I did something most people would think unconscionable to help out a friend uncertain if I can trust the friend or not. If I can, life will be good and all will be well. If I can't, it will cost me untold amounts of pain. Why am I so willing to take such chances? Why does everyone seem to matter more to me than me? Will I do anything in a vain attempt to have and keep a friend?

[beautifulfreak]

Unfortunately, still feeling intense emotional and physical pain. My eyes are swollen and sore from crying. I am shaking. My urges and behaviours escalating (if that is possible).

I have a terrible sense of foreboding. I wonder where I will end up? Back in Psych Unit? Somewhere else?

Why can't I ask for proper help? I don't even know who I am. Feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I tried reaching out to someone in real life, someone who had offered, however, got badly burned…his words were harsh and it felt like a physical and powerful slap on the face. I am still reeling in mixed emotions from this.

Here come the tears…again.

I feel anxious all the time, about things that I can't control, things that aren't going to happen for a while, about my job, about going out with friends (so I start to talk myself into just staying home), about everything and nothing. I don't want to rely on taking meds for this because they make me sleepy and you get used to them after a while. I also don't want to rely on just taking a nap and "checking out" when I feel anxious because when I'm at work and feel anxious that's not an option for me. I need better coping skills for when I'm stuck somewhere (like work) and feel like I'm climbing the walls.

[Ultra Darkness]

Little hailstones are falling like rain outside. So cool!

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Little hailstones are falling like rain outside. So cool!

LOL....keep in mind that I just moved to Idaho from Florida. Several times over the summer we got what I called the "dippin' dots" snow. Snow...maybe more of hail...the size of dippin dots.

[greentires4me]

so my day goes something like this wake up at 2am then 4am then 7:30am then get a text at 9:30am then roll around in bed for awhile until the cat wakes me up with her meowing...

get up and come back to room smelling like urine the cat has peed on my clothes...

put them in the laundry machine...

go to town then go to my apartment pick up clean underwear...then wait for the bus to come then take the bus all the way back up the hill to my parents place then walk from the bus stop to my parents house get inside and feel like barricading myself inside and not leaving ever again...

[hawthoerne]

I was thoroughly convinced that my boyfriend hated me (again) is this the BPD or a delusion from my Schizoaffective? because i took a half a dose of my zyprexa (taking it only 4 hours early, decided to take half so i don't fall apart even earlier tomorrow, i take it at night) and that solved it.......... but the klonopin didn't........

I'm thinking of all the friends and family who've stopped talking to me and it's making me very sad. I wish I could change it more than anything in the world, but I know better than to try.

[greentires4me]

I decided to make homemade soup for dinner just waiting for it to boil...
With meat and noodles I think...or it might be rice I haven't decided yet until it starts boiling...
right now its just meat and vegetables..

I had a complete meltdown today, first one in a while. I hate the way my mind works and makes me think that everyone is against me.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

BPD is still like a wild horse I am trying to tame.

I am still full of cold and my throat is so sore, I am going to dye my hair today and then I plan on having a lazy day

I'm better. I'm spending way too much time indoors and in the house. I'm alone a lot and can usually deal with that, but I was never meant to be a reclude, and those two things compiled with a few others are not very good for me, but I don't know of a way out of my situation right now. We have only one car, there is nothing I can go to within walking or even bike riding distance, and my husband is using it pretty much every day for his job. At least I'm making money at home.

Have you ever felt good and horrible at the same time?

Self hatred is running pretty deep right now...

I hate showing how sensitive and vulnerable I am to other people as well as how much this stupid disorder affects me. I makes me look like a fool.

I hate myself and everyone hates me.

[greentires4me]

well today got up and it was raining then slightly in the afternoon the clouds went away out came the sunshine...

Me and my friend decided to have a camp fire last night and stayed up to about 1:30am in the morning before calling it quits...it was great fun we got really drunk and really stoned...good ole fun times...

today we played yahtzee then went and got some coffee then diverged a plan to get him his new car...so hes off to the races doing that...I am little sad that he is gone but it hasn't hit me that hes not here to talk to and do stuff with. But I am trying my best to delay my emotions. Hes always a like piece of myself when he is here then when he leaves then I am all sad because a piece of me leaves...and I cannot usually get over it quickly.

[Love/Hate09]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I hate showing how sensitive and vulnerable I am to other people as well as how much this stupid disorder affects me. I makes me look like a fool.

I think it gets easier the more you do it. I never used to be able to talk about myself at all, it was only after intensive counselling that i started to be able to talk about myself. To start with it was absolute murder, i remember my counsellor pointing out that i was talking to her but i was sat not facing her but facing the wall instead, it's true i was. Even now i still struggle a lot of the time to make eye contact but i do manage to talk about things a lot easier. It makes a big difference if you can open up and talk with someone, be it a Doctor, Counsellor, Therapist, or a close friend. It takes practice, a lot of practice, but it is very worthwhile in my opinion.

I had a two-hour text convo with my ex-friend, J, tonight. (Many of you know the story.) Long story how it started and, long story short, he invited me to go to a brewery with him this coming Saturday. Or rather, "Let's see how we're doing with each other on Saturday and text each other then." I said that if we didn't go then, we could always go another time, and he agreed. I'm not getting my hopes up but...maybe...possibly...hopefully...J and I are mending things. This would make me very happy.

Originally Posted by Love/Hate09

I think it gets easier the more you do it. I never used to be able to talk about myself at all, it was only after intensive counselling that i started to be able to talk about myself. To start with it was absolute murder, i remember my counsellor pointing out that i was talking to her but i was sat not facing her but facing the wall instead, it's true i was. Even now i still struggle a lot of the time to make eye contact but i do manage to talk about things a lot easier. It makes a big difference if you can open up and talk with someone, be it a Doctor, Counsellor, Therapist, or a close friend. It takes practice, a lot of practice, but it is very worthwhile in my opinion.

I was taught, from a very young age, not to talk. I can write my problems now...at one point I couldn't do that either. It will be a long time before I can talk. I go completely mute and the last time or two I attempted to talk to people I thought I could trust and who would listen, I was completely invalidated.

[Luctor]

Some days are easier than others. This weekend was a particularly difficult one. My thoughts obsess about her. About how, if only I'd had more self-control, been a little ore stable, done a few things differently, she'd have stayed.

I obsess over how she was the most perfect person for me. From her looks to the patience she showed me (at first).

How will I ever find someone like her again. Then the panic sets in, and I have to try distract myself. Or dose up on meds. Something, anything to numb the unrelenting pain at the loss of the love of my life.

Then shame, and guilt, because I feel like it's all I think about, that I should be stronger than this. That I'm handling this breakup like a teenage girl. I'm such an idiot. I ruin everything.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

(I can't find the trigger icon)

I will write it out:


TRIGGER

TRIGGER

TRIGGER

(negative stuff in my head; I am safe; just had a rough time with my symptoms)



I lost a favorite album tonight (music), had an interaction with Bruce and his friend. I was sure they did not want me along again on their outings. We shall see. Maybe they will.

I just spent an hour trying to fix a tape and it was a lost cause. I should have never taken it apart, but the cruddy sound just drove me nuts.

It turns out there was a knot in the tape!

Okay, so I will order it on Amazon.

But I feel like a retard.

"Cant' do nuthin' right" goes the old stuff in my head.

I dont' know when it's ever going to go away.

The rage.

The frustration.

the lack of respect I have for myself.

still calling myself names, after learning all that DBT...

And now feeling guilty about being negative.

it never ends...

[beautifulfreak]

Hate myself. Tired of hurting. Tired of existing.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I hate showing how sensitive and vulnerable I am to other people as well as how much this stupid disorder affects me. I makes me look like a fool.

Being sensitive and vulnerable doesn't make you a fool, it makes you a human. So what if other people don't seem to be that way? They're just hiding. We're all sensitive and vulnerable about something.