Is being a nice BPD worse?

When I was first diagnosed with BPD, I went into a great depression. I had an earlier blow of being diagnosed with Cyclothymia 3 months earlier. I've always suffered with panic and insomnia. How could I lead a normal life?

But, I've done OK.

BPD scared me because the people that I've known with it are so mean and manipulative and whatnot.

But, I've accepted that I manifest this illness differently. I'm not mean. I do not call people names and do not cheat and do a lot of good things for others.

So, I've gotten over the fear that I am a shithead. However, my mean BPD friends all have successful relationships and I don't.

So that's my new fear. I don't have it in me to guilt or manipulate anyone into loving me.

So, who will? I'm difficult. No one cares about the good in me.

I feel like I'm going to be misunderstood forever. I feel unlovable. I'm willing to try to get over this, but I don't want to be always alone.

What can I do? If I tell anyone about it, they will judge me. Or not get it. I'm stuck.

The only solution that I have is to travel the world, build my career, volunteer for organizations, and cry in my free time.

It isn't an enjoyable life. Why can't anyone like me?

You might think this is forever, but it's not. You listed things that will keep you busy, expose you to new people and situations. Just remember everything passes, good and bad, and you might cry but soon you will enjoy life and laugh. I know btw what you are feeling, I'm just trying to be rational here.

You're right. I know my emotions are temporary, but my lot in life seems permanent. It just seems like I can only be happy for so long and then **** always goes down. People will always misunderstand me. It's hard to think that "life will be good one day for the long term" when my 5 years as an adult has proven the opposite.

Its hard to judge what goes on in other peoples relationships. You dont know what they want out of life. I think its important to find somebody that i like. But i was so worried that nobody would like me, worried because of my stupid upbringing, that i had the wrong focus in looking for a partner. I think the right one is out there for you. The question is, how do you recognize him when you see him?

Well yeah I want to like them too. What do you mean "will you recognize them?" You like a person or you don't.

I'm the same kind of BPD as you. I'm nice and more of a pushover than a manipulator. I just want to be loved, I beg to be loved.
but you can have a relationship being this kind of BPD, you just have to find the right guy.

I know that I can. I'm just beginning to think that these guys don't exist or are all taken.

People with BPD are all nice, sometimes we do things that are viewed by others as manipulative or attention seeking because we don't know how else to be, but we all just desperately feel unworthy of love yet that's the one thing we crave.

I heard a quote by Martha (I don't know her surname but she developed DBT)

She said something like 'if a victim of burn was taken off morph one they would exhibit 'attention seeking,' behaviours in order to have their pain taken away.'

Why is it so scary? I'm not too attention seeking. I am a little. But still. Why is it so scary to others?

Because people are scared of what they don't understand

Wanna drink of pepsi? I will even open it for you?

people always say I am a nice person I buy them food when they have none. even though they tell me I don't have to then it seems like a necessary option after awhile and they become little leeches and suck me dry

Oh My God!!

I am going through the same thing! I just started dating again and I thought I should tell this guy (after 3 dates) that I have this "thing".. Because I was starting to feel the first feelings of "perceived abandonment" and not to manipulate him into doing something so I not longer have to face those feelings, it was more to give him a heads up if I come across 'needy'.. geez I hate that word..

Well, away he went.. didn't speak with me again..then rang me days later and apologised.. We aren't seeing eachother but we do chat..

I am broken, and I feel like damaged goods, and I envy those who have found patient and caring partners..

I am nice, I am extremely caring, I will wash your dog and mop your floors and buy Christmas cards for your grandmother, I will ring around and get quotes for your car insurance and I will cook you your favourite meal after a long hard day... but all I ask is you just have a little patience with me when I need reassurance that you wont leave me after you drove off in a hurry this morning after getting cranky with me because I wanted to know why you didn't hug me..

So yes, I am a nice "one" I am sooo loving and compassionate... but can I ever be shown love and compassion back??

Sorry HDTR, I just used your post to blurt out my own concerns because I can relate soooo much to what you said..

And how do you recognise them??

How do you recognize what?

I feel so hurt. Why won't he even just talk to me?

I had a male friend like this a few months ago. (yep, another one) I told him I have been struggling again lately and he never replied to me for nearly a week (we used to text most days).. finally he says.. so how have you been? HTF? does he think Ive been..?? anyhoo..
Idk..

I think a lot of ppl fear what they don't know..

I feel like beauty and the beast... except I'm the misunderstood beast..

Im sorry you feel this way...

Thank you, aventurine. I hope that the world becomes more accommodating to us

I'm a nice one too, there's almost no length I'm willing to go to "steal my bf's heart"...

So no, you don't have to be a manipulative b1tch to be liked or loved. But like Hankster said, we have to learn how to recognize the partners who will be a good match for us, and not just fall willy nilly at the feet of those who pay us attention.

My personal issue (besides bpd) in my relationship? Is that I get so wrapped up in my own needs, how to get them met (in a non needy way) how to communicate what I'm experiencing without seeming off putting, that I barely stop to notice exactly HOW my behaviour may be conflicting toward HIS needs in our relationship.

Tough pill to swallow, but whoop, there it is.
I don't always realize how I impact him and it sometimes makes me look inconsiderate when that's so obviously NOT my character.
I think it must be very confusing for bf indeed...



I've followed your saga with your guy, and I'm sorry things are taking a turn down hill, but I have a feeling that part of the reason he tells you to chill is because he was expecting a "no expectations" setup, yet you frequently ask to spend time and nights with him. Which is the opposite of a "see you when I see you" casual setup. Our behaviour is very telling, even when we think its not...

I hope you start feeling better soon, you are not unlovable, you just haven't met the man who can love you as you are yet.

Trippen, that was one of the most helpful responses that I have received on this site. Thank you.

I do want to say though that I don't go willy nilly for just anyone! I'm a beautiful girl and I get a lot of attention.

"My personal issue (besides bpd) in my relationship? Is that I get so wrapped up in my own needs, how to get them met (in a non needy way) how to communicate what I'm experiencing without seeming off putting, that I barely stop to notice exactly HOW my behavior may be conflicting toward HIS needs in our relationship."

That sounds JUST like me. I felt bad the last night we spent together. I was going off on how I felt that he thought that my personality type was wrong (I think he wants me to be a B, when I'm an A) and when I go off, I can get very fast and passionate with is "intimidating" to others. He asked if I even wanted him here and I immediately felt awful and apologized and changed my tune.

I think that he and I have a very different idea of what a casual relationship is. He did mention "see you when I see you" once, but he came down deliberately to see me every week (which he said he would do until I moved), demanded that I visit him to, introduced me to members of his family, called us a relationship, said that I would be his gf if he wasn't leaving, took me on dates all of the time, said he wasn't going to disappear, wanted to make me happy, was giving me a camera to take overseas, and planned to Skype with me when I landed. These are all things that HE set up.

I think that he thinks that a casual relationship means that e gets to call all of the shots and completely ignore me when he feels like it. I think that a casual relationship means that we can take it slow, but that communication, respect, and consideration is still a must.

I also think that we view "adulthood" differently. I think that he thinks that it is all about finding more about yourself (which is important) and expecting others to unapologetically accommodate to that. I think he thinks that you only have to accommodate to others when you knock a woman up. Which is sad. He is 6 years my senior. I feel sorry for him.

I think that being an adult is about more than self-discovery. It is about understanding that you share this planet with others and that it is important to be a good citizen and to help others alongside finding what makes you happy.

I'm not unlovable. I just feel disposable in this society that has a "is it breaking, don't fix it, throw it away" ideology and knowing that there are plenty of women who will settle. I fear that all of the good ones will be gone by the time that I can settle down. I still have a year long contract in China and two degrees to earn. I want companionship later and during these intervals (though I don't need it constantly), but everyone is pairing off now :/

i would guess it depends on the situation, as a guy with bpd for me it defenitely feels worse, i'm a total pushover and waay too nice. but i can't help it because i want to be loved so bad.it's awful, i try to do everything right, buy flowers, take them out to dinner, don't cheat just want lots of love and affection. maybe i'm too needy, but i always have put 250% into my relationships and get about 30% back in return, seems like i go straight from zero to idealization, in return i get verbally abused, they take my money or cheat on me. straight to devaluation and hatred then i leave.i put up with it for years because i hate being lonely so bad, so i put up with the abuse until i snap and can't take it no more, then i'm back in this same horrible boat i'm in now, sad and lonely. my brother has been married 12yrs, i can't even keep a girlfriend, so i absolutely feel your pain, i just wonder when will it ever end?

((((( henrydavidtherobot ))))) kudos on your intelligent and well considered posts here.

Some things I really need to express today. I'm not Borderline (as far as I know and based on the evidence, I have other issues). However these issues seem to make it easier to relate to people with BPD; that plus educating myself on what it is, what it feels like, all I can say is I feel nothing but empathy for all of you and a desire to support.

This begs the question, what do you need? How can people be more fully and usefully supportive of you all? How can others offer effective support without possibly appearing overprotective or condescending and so on? (especially people like me who can practically "feel the pain from over here" and then have a strong urge to "tend and befriend" that could come across as awkward or even smothering?) If this question needs its own thread or belongs elsewhere, please let me know.

I want emotional validation and advice that isn't wishy washy. I hate the whole "good riddance thing". I mean, thanks, but how is that supposed to make me feel better?

I hope you don't mind this novel, I have a habit of picking things apart and analyzing every angle. I know that not everyone is into that type of thing.

Trippen, thank you for the thoughtful novel. it's nice of you to take so much time to write me back.

I need people to call me out on my BS. I am horrible at realizing how I come off to people, so I require people pointing it out to me. I wish that more would. I wish that my beau could have talked to me and been patient with me. I'm a rational human. But, what's done is done and I can't change him.

I'm happy that you're pointing out the reality of human relationships to me. It is discouraging though. Everything is so complex. I'm already complex enough. Having BPD makes is SO much harder. At least I can be grateful that I was diagnosed at a younger age (23). At least I've seen some progress. My moods are more stable, I don't self injure, my bulimia is at bay, the emptiness is not as frequent as it used to be, and though I question who I am a lot, my identity is fairly stable and I don't try to be what others want me to be.

I guess that it's hard to believe that I'm going to find someone because my last three dating experiences have involved one of us leaving, which stunts everything. Who wants to get involved with a leaving person.

I'm in a difficult stage of recovery right now. I used to be very good at abandoning before being abandoned. I let few in and cut people off if they did the slightest thing to irritate me. Now, I'm pushing myself to work with others and see past their flaws. I'm doing a good job, but this leads me to having to deal with actually getting abandoned now, which is not getting any easier.

i think that being a nice bpd could be worse, it depends on the situation.
for me as a guy with bpd it definitely feels like it, im a big time pushover and me neediness has gotten me into all sorts of trouble in my relationships.
i have had girls steal money from me,verbally abuse me and cheat on me. all i ever wanted was to be loved intensely & in return i got trampled.because of my abandonment issues i would stay for years and tolerate the abuse. i believe everyone is lovable to some extent, you just haven't found the right person yet. building your career is a great thing to be doing and it should help & who knows you may find the right guy while doing that! good luck!good guys just like good girls are like needles in a haystack, hard to find, but once you have it you know what you got.my last ex was one of those needles, but of course with my bpd i blew it, now she is bi polar so obviously that didn't help
but we still talk and little by little things appear to be getting better, last night we had a long talk about our coping skills (which i have very little of) and us working on them, so hopefully things will get better for you!

The person I love has borderline. We're currently just seeing each other as best friends though... but we're both "nice BPDs", we're easily manipulated and both of us get pushed around a lot. Even though I act stupid when I'm afraid of abandonment (suicide threats and accusing her of wanting to leave me), she gets it and she'll always forgive me as soon as I realize how horrible I was acting and apologize. She thought I was hurt or starting to get sick of her yesterday and basically said "I'm sorry if I come off as clingy or needy and I'm not saying this to control you, but you seem a bit distant lately. You seem less loving in the way you talk to me. Have I done or said anything that upset or hurt you? I'm sorry if I did. I love you more than anything in the world, I hope you know that. I'd kill or die for you anyday." And I could assure her immediately that she still means the world to me and I've just been feeling like **** lately and therefor shut everyone out a little. We love each other unconditionally and I guess what I'm trying to say is that, even I, who am an ugly, worthless, pathetic human being can be loved. And I love HER more than anything, her personality disorder could never change that. Good look sweetie, you'll find someone eventually. If they turn away from you because they're ignorant then they're not even worthy of your love.

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I think it's less about nice and more to do with self awareness.

The vast majority of us will do anything for that 5 minutes of affection- from bending over backwards to self harm and even suicide but some of us are that little bit more aware of the damage we are inflicting on those around us and are therefore better at curbing the more brutal manipulative impulses.

In the end though whatever we're doing we're all doing it for the same reason and there's more than enough BPD hate out there without us hating on ourselves.