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#1
Apr 22, 2014, 10:56 AM
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A while ago, I told my best friend I'm in love with her. She is everything I've ever wanted and she always manages to make me incredibly happy. We BOTH struggle with BPD and PTSD and she has a pretty damn serious addiction to heroin... so let's just say neither of us is emotionally stable. When I told her, over a text (we both hate talking about emotional stuff in person or on the phone as we either go blank, don't feel anything at all and therefor become awkward or we get emotional outbursts and... yeah lol) she replied saying this was all a bit too good to be true, that she never let herself fall for me as she thought I wouldn't feel the same, that she couldn't believe someone "as perfect as me" would fall for someone "as disgusting as her" and that she wanted to just hold me and allow herself to fall for me. That was about a month ago, and we haven't been treating each other differently, I think. She's been giving me some hints about wanting to give us a chance and I guess I've been a bit more affectionate. But this sunday, I was at her place and we just sat on her bed and talked for hours about litteraly everything. Everything was perfect except for the fact that I was too scared to touch her or get close to her as I'm too ugly and gross for her and I don't want her to notice. Nothing happened between the two of us, but yesterday she texted me saying "Is it bad that I thought about kissing you like half the time yesterday?". My heart first skipped a beat and I became all warm and fuzzy inside... being a borderline can be beautiful those few times you get to experience positive feelings. They're so intense. But then the anxiety kicked in. I'm ****ing SCARED. Cause even though I want to be with her more than anything, I know she'll be forced to see how utterly disgusting I am. I don't want to scare her off. And even though we love and care for each other SO much, we're both unstable and mentally ill. I refuse to lose her. She's all I have... and our friendship is oh so beautiful. She's 18 and I'm 17... relationships don't tend to last at our age anyway, and our illness will make it even harder. Is it worth the risk? And how would you suggest I deal with this?
Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk |
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#2
Apr 22, 2014, 05:27 PM
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it sounds like you need to get over your negative self talk. she obviously doesn't find you to be disgusting, only you see yourself that way and that will be the down fall of this relationship. she obviously likes you very much. she has told you so, told you she wants to kiss you. how more obvious can she be about how she feels about you? it has just as much of a chance of working as any other relationship. at least you are going into it with open eyes and know what the obstacles are. take care.
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#3
Apr 22, 2014, 06:11 PM
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She seems to like you a lot. I suggest not getting too engulfed with her, finding other things that you're passionate about aside from her if there's not already something. Because if she's the only thing you have... what would happen if it were to end badly? I say go for it though, just be careful.
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#4
Apr 23, 2014, 03:47 AM
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Thankyou... I'll try to ignore how insecure I am and focus on the fact that she, for some odd reason ISN'T disgusted by me and even thinks I'm beautiful.
I am passionate about music, animals, human rights, psychology and crimonology BUT none of that would matter if she disappeared. Because I get too attached to people, my brain hardly ever lets me feel anything for anyone. I've only cared for two people apart from my family my whole life... so getting other close friends isn't really an option. I always feel too bad about not caring for them. It's not that I don't care for their feelings, I do, I wanna help them, but I couldn't care less about keeping them in my life. If she dies, I'll kill myself, and if she just leaves then I'll lock myself in some psychiatric hospital for a couple of years so that I can't kill myself... as she'd blame herself and I could never do that to her. But oh well... I guess I SHOULD take this chance.  Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk |
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#5
Apr 23, 2014, 11:41 AM
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She seems to like you for who you are. You shouldn't be so down on yourself. Don't be so consumed with her that you lose yourself...but I would go for it. Good luck to you!
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People love me... I hate myself. I'm a celebrity in my own mind... |
 isntlifewonderful
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#6
Apr 23, 2014, 01:16 PM
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| HD7970GHZ, isntlifewonderful
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#7
Apr 23, 2014, 04:26 PM
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Hey isntlifewonderful,
It is good to hear about your life and your relationship with your friend, who’s a girl.  I am genuinely happy that you have someone else in your life – who understands, who appreciates you on some deeper level - and who is willing to listen to your, ‘stuff,’ without judging you. Being that you are asking for advice; I will do just that. I can, however, see how some of the advice I give you - may indeed go against what you would like to hear. I apologize in advance if what I say is in anyway offensive to you, and or anyone else in similar situations / circumstances… I only wish to help you – and let’s be honest – sometimes hearing what we don’t want to hear is the best thing to hear in our pursuit of happiness. In saying this, it is obvious how wonderful life is – when we have someone such as this in our lives… Especially for us borderlines... “Being borderline is intense as you have already said. It can blind us by emotions and make something that feels good - appear as though it is the only good thing to feel.” But that is just it - there is not only ONE good thing to feel... There are many things that can bring you the same level of happiness or content. And believe it or not - you can achieve this feeling of content all by yourself, without the need or requirement of anyone else in doing so. Unfortunately - so many people get caught up on receiving these feelings from other things outside of themselves - that they never really take the time to explore alternatives directly available to themselves - by themselves - for themselves... It is important for you to explore these things. For myself - it is music. I can listen to music and become so inspired and enlightened - that I can get over any immediate borderline emotions present. With practice and awareness - I can learn to listen to music whenever I feel like my emotions are becoming dysregulated and taking over my logical side. It is a choice - not a skill. Returning to your issue; I believe that your feelings for one another are purely genuine. I do not discredit your feelings for one another, whatsoever. The feelings that you share and the trust you have for one another is unmistakably a beautiful thing – and it could potentially be a lifelong experience. However, I will say that in my experience – and personal experience at that – dating a fellow borderline is NOT good. That is not to say that it is impossible. I am not talking in a black and white – all or nothing way. I am merely suggesting that going into a relationship with a fellow borderline - who also happens to be invested in a highly codependent relationship with you - is not grounds for a positive outcome... To explain myself: I dated a fellow borderline – coming out of a DBT program. She and I loved each other. We were each other’s bricks. Despite my therapist urging me not to invest myself into someone at the time, let alone - and especially – another borderline sufferer – I proceeded anyways. I stopped going to therapy, because I felt I did not need it anymore, I trusted my girlfriend so much – that I gave up on therapy altogether and even gave my therapist a cold shoulder upon hearing her suggestions to stop dating this particular girl... Well, both of us got worse. Within a month we broke up. We lost control of our own lives – I was miserable and depressed and went right back into therapy in need of another form of support… And to make a long story short - I then fell in love with my therapist... And that was extremely hard to deal with when she left soon after. She claimed it had nothing to do with me - however, deep down I still have the inkling nagging at me that it was entirely my fault - and that the only way to help me as a patient and borderline sufferer - was to set boundaries and separate herself from me...  The thing is – no matter how much we think a fellow borderline will understand and know how to cope and support another borderline in a relationship – it is a recipe for disaster. And that is coming from my own experience. Please – set boundaries for yourself, re-consider asking her out or going into an intimate relationship. Keep the trust circle between the two of you – but do yourself a favor – and look after yourself. As others have already said on this thread - concentrate on other things and other people... Just imagine this for a moment… Five years from now you have received a degree pertaining to music, animals, human rights, psychology or criminology… You come out of university looking for a job and a destination in life… You call up this particular girl that you are currently talking about. She says she has been doing well and got over her addictions and went to school and also got a degree. Both of you have level heads – both of you have your individual aspirations and goals. Both of you, “WANT,” each other – but neither of you, “NEED,” each-other… You are both healthy individuals at this time – and because of this, you merely, “WANT,” each-other… And that is healthy. IF that was how things were – I would say go for it. If that was how things were - you two could succeed in a relationship – given that you remain aware of your borderline tendencies and try hard to stay on top of any urges for that - WANT – turning in a NEED. Being borderline and maintaining relationships is ultimately a lifelong process. It is a constant part-time job. If you fail to recognize the importance of such a task – then things can easily falter and you can be left all alone and depressed – wondering what on earth happened. Next thing you know – you cling onto the closest person to you at the time – and repeat the cycle on and on through time – and history continues to repeat itself… Not fun. I think that you two are so alike in so many ways that it appears as though it may be the, ‘right,’ kind of love. That it will in some way; fulfill the borderline void in the both of you… It makes sense – logically it makes perfect sense, to us borderlines. After-all, who better to date and marry - than someone just like us – who can understand without requiring an emotion driven explanation of utmost proportions… But remember - love is blind. Unhealthy people typically attract unhealthy people... It is just the way things are and in this specific case - I'd say it is so. I think you should set boundaries. I think you should not date your friend. I think you should remain great friends with her – appreciate the feelings that you have for one another – but truly ask yourself whether they are a product of your human needs, wants and desires – or a product of your borderline tendencies… Please –please – please: truly dig down into your foundation and make a solid support for yourself - if you do decide to date this girl. Regardless if you date this girl - you should build up a solid foundation for yourself anyways - because you sound like you could use more resilience by your way of your own hand. I only say this because I cannot see things going smoothly. I think it’s a recipe for disaster. I think you would be harming both yourself and her if you decide to go through with the intimate relationship… Lots of friends try dating and they ruin what they already have, which is beautiful. This is something you really need to think about – given your dependency on her after you said: “If she dies, I'll kill myself, and if she just leaves then I'll lock myself in some psychiatric hospital for a couple of years so that I can't kill myself... as she'd blame herself and I could never do that to her.” Genuinely – that concerns me. It concerns everyone who hears it. And it’s important for you to validate these feelings because in all honesty – the advice you are seeking – it seems that you have been so blinded by emotions and feelings for this girl - that you cannot see the advice that should so easily come to you. I know how it is – once I have a girl in my head – everything else goes out the door. I am like the millennium falcon being sucked into the death star by the tractor beam… But that’s just it – I am stuck – I am blind – and I am slowly moving towards death… It’s the borderline way – and it happens if we aren't on top of things. There’s one thing in particular that my therapist said to me. That is: “To set yourself up for success.” I do not see in anyway – how you would be setting yourself up for success – by dating this girl. None - whatsoever. There is just too much risk, you both are too unhealthy – there are too many negatives and too few positives in your lives. What you really want is someone who is healthy – who can bring out the best in you. Someone who can test you and help you to see - the need for change in your own life. Someone who keeps you moving forward – not someone who will stagnate growth and allow you to continue being unhealthy… There's a reason why unhealthy people attract unhealthy people - and my first guess would be that two unhealthy people would feel more comfortable being together and continuing to live unhealthy lives without feeling the pressures to change. After-all, change is hard. Problem is: some people mistake that as merely being accepted for who they are, but really - it is just an excuse to continue being unhealthy and feeling good about it... It's sad. Another thing you could do – is test the waters. For us borderlines; we always seem to fall HARD for someone. Well, given that you are both borderlines and that you both talk about, ‘stuff,’ - perhaps by laying down the law – and mutually agreeing - to a testing of the waters before making any big decisions or big assumptions – would be better than just acting on emotions and impulses without saying anything at all… Before you know it both of you could fall hard for one another and things will go sour and both of you will end up hurt and worse off than before... The important thing is to maintain the current level of communication and trust between the two of you - if you decide to go forward – regardless of whether or not; a good or bad outcome results in transitioning to a more intimate relationship… You say that you have only ever been close to two people and that you cannot see yourself having other close friends… That is unhealthy. It’s unhealthy to, “put all your eggs in one basket,” regardless of what aspect we are talking. That phrase can literally be applied to anything and everything… It tells me that you have become so reliant on this friend of yours that you no longer feel the need to find relationships elsewhere… It also tells me that you are so infatuated by this person that you are willing to let her control your life – as in: because you feel like she alone; completely fills the void inside – you no longer require other friends or social connections… That is not healthy. In case you feel as though you cannot possibly find another friendship like the one you have - you CAN. There are so many people out there who deserve your friendship and you theirs. It's just a matter of finding the necessity to pursue those friendships. That will make all the difference. As hard as it is to get out there and try to find new and worthy friendships – in your current situation I think it is of vital importance to spread your wings and fly – and go out and build a more rounded social support system and network… That goes for everyone. What happens if things go sour between this particular friend of yours? Who do you lean on then? Who do you seek support from? And just so we're clear - it is NOT a solo trademark of borderline personality disorder: to need others to lean on in times of need… It’s a human need and a requirement in the evolution of living and maintaining, an otherwise: healthy lifestyle from the ground up. What we with borderline tend to do is lean on others so heavily - that without them - our entire world would be upside down. In retrospect: it is about balancing supports for ourselves on many things - so that if one goes down - we have a choice of other supports to lean on if necessary... My advice: take time to explore these feelings that you are having for this girl. You already know that you are Borderline, so you already know how impulsive we can become while inspired by an emotion or a thought… There’s absolutely no reason why you have to make any decision right now. You can take your time. You can journal, go see a therapist – and ask for advice in person. You can work on getting yourself to a more healthy place before making a decision. You can allow your friend to get herself free from addictions and on a more positive path in life. You can both work together, (as friends) to make a better life for one another - and not get into an intimate relationship. You can do so many things – and believe it or not: "You don’t need her in order to do those things. You CAN do whatever you want – by your own accord – without any help from her." I hope I haven’t written too much. I could continue – and I probably should – because I’m genuinely worried about how you’re going to respond to this – let alone how you are going to handle the situation you are in… Personally – I have been alone on purpose for about 4 years – and in that time I have learned the importance of learning to become self sufficient, independent and without the requirements of any one thing in my life… I could just as easily become absorbed by one girl, or an addiction as anyone else. I am just as fallible as anyone else – but I continue to accept and recognize the importance of dealing with a borderline diagnosis – and I know that I can easily become blinded by my own emotions if I let them… In saying this – it is not a bad thing that you are currently feeling the need to enter an intimate relationship with your friend… You are both, after-all – 18 years old or younger… Perhaps you need to learn for yourself what it all means. Perhaps you need to make some mistakes of your own rather than relying on the advice from other’s and their own mistakes… In this sense: please let us know what you decide to do. And PLEASE – look after yourself and always PREPARE for the worst. Always. Because you are too important to let something as silly as one girl ruin your life – regardless of how highly you hold her in your mind. Thanks, HD7970ghz
__________________
"stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" Last edited by HD7970GHZ; Apr 23, 2014 at 04:56 PM. |
| ginaaa22, trying2survive
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#8
Apr 23, 2014, 06:05 PM
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I don't know how to find happiness in things. Drugs sort of do it, sometimes, but I've promised this girl never to do anything heavier than weed and alcohol again. I'm so very sorry to hear about your relationship, and I know it's probably not such a good idea considering how fragile both of us are. It's not that I would give up therapy etc for her, because I agreed to living at this treatment center BECAUSE of her. I want to recover so that I can be the best that I can be for her even though I can't really see a future for myself. And it's not like she's not trying to get better either... she's giving quitting another shot (she's been trying pretty much since we met) and she's been clean for 2 days now, she's in psychotherapy (I wish she would try DBT but she doesn't believe in it) and she's promised to stay alive for me. She claims I'm the reason she's trying so hard to recover, too. However, we do fight. Not a lot, but it tears me apart every time. It usually starts with me (being pathetic and unable to control my intense feelings) believing she's gonna leave me/hates me, so I basically tell her things like "You know, if it'd make you happier, you should leave me. It's not like anyone would care if I killed myself anyway.", she panics and gets mad at me ("Why do you ALWAYS do this?! ****ing deja vu, EVERYONE does this to me. You just gave me a panic attack but I guess I deserve it."), I get a panic attack too, start to cry hysterically, apologize and then we both go to bed full of anxiety and feeling like ****. I don't know if a relationship would complicate things even more. It's just so very hard to fight the urge to wrap my arms around her and kiss her all over when she looks at me. I can't love other people. I wish I could, trust me, but I can't. My mind wont let me. I've tried so many times, but all those friends, some that I've known for years just don't mean anything to me. I can't do anything on my own, I'm weak and unstable. And truth be told, I hate myself and I don't believe I deserve to be happy. I look at myself as a monster... so I do need her. Because for once in my life, I don't feel like a destructive force in the person I love's life. For once in my life I can be myself around someone, and my anxiety almost disappears completely in her presence. I need her to hold me, tell her she loves me, make me smile. I do not necessarily need to sleep with her or kiss her however, but I really want to. Without her, I'd go back to just being that ugly, worthless, gross and evil little girl with nothing to live for. I don't know if I'm gonna go for this or not... I think I'll just sit down with her and talk this through. I'll let you know if we agreed or anything. Once again, thankyou so much! Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk |
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#9
Apr 23, 2014, 07:46 PM
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Be careful...you are more important than you know. You shouldn't make yr whole world around her. Trust me. You both have alot of growing to do. Esp since there are so many issues you both have to work through. It's never healthy to live only for aa person. You need to stand on yr own and love yr self before you can even begin to love someone else. Good luck and take care of you.
Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk |
| HD7970GHZ, isntlifewonderful
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#10
Apr 23, 2014, 08:25 PM
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Hey Isntlifewonderful,
Thanks for replying so quickly. To be frank - everything that you just said - makes me even more supportive of the advice I threw in your direction... I think it's a bad idea. I think it's a recipe for disaster. I cannot tell you what to do - no one can but yourself... But make sure you take your time and really process the costs / benefits - surrounding an intimate relationship with this girl. To me it sounds like you've already made a decision deep down - and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it - but trust me: almost all impulsive decisions pertaining to relationships - made by a borderline: result in a worse outcome. Hearing how you describe her - the feelings that you have - the fact that you couldn't go on living anymore without her - that your aspirations mean nothing without her in your life - those are textbook rationale's from borderline sufferers. The people on this forum have given you VERY good advice on this thread - and you can be rest assured that they do INDEED: have YOUR best interests in mind when sharing their advice... It is not to be taken lightly when so many people say the same thing, and that is what you've been told on your thread. The question is: did you ask for advice; for advice? Or did you ask for advice - to better justify the decision you have already made...? Given that you are so young - it makes sense that you stumble into your current scenario. Trust me - we all do it. I still could do it if I'm not careful... But I wish I had someone there at the time when I made, [[that decision]] - to fall so hard for someone I had feelings for - because it would have saved both myself, herself - and just about anyone else I knew - a whole lot of trouble and anger and anxiety... Ultimately it was purely bad for all parties... And the way you are expressing your feelings for her - it sounds so close to what I would have said at the time, let alone compared to all borderline feelings when we're being sucked in. It is quite literally - the type of thing that can make or break us borderlines. However, if it does make us better or make us feel whole - it only lasts for a time... Soon enough we still have to learn to be happy and content with ourselves because things change. Whether they be things that are in our control or not - they still happen - and that is something you need to prepare yourself for at ALL costs... Even if it means stopping yourself from falling into a relationship like the one that you're describing... Literally - right now - you could set boundaries with yourself and with her. By saying to yourself: "Yeah, I do have genuine feelings about this girl and she has them for me, but honestly - I would rather have a genuine friend - than nothing at all," you would be saving everyone a whole lot of trouble in the future. I am sorry that you are so, 'absorbed,' by this person. It is not a healthy scenario whatsoever and I would do everything in my power to distract you from doing what you seem to be, "all in," for - if I was your friend. Because that is what a genuine friend would do. Thanks, HD7970ghz
__________________
"stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
| trying2survive
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#11
Apr 24, 2014, 06:58 AM
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I agree with what HD7970ghz said.
When I was 17 I found someone who I fell in love with from the begining. I felt like I needed him. I ignored all the warning signs. He was a drug user, didnt have any goals in life, wasnt going anywhere and furthermore couldnt keep a job. BUT I thought my love for him would change him and make him want to do better for his life...I was soooo wrong. That is a hard lesson I have learned- asking someone to change for you isnt healthy- they should want to change for themselves and that is when it will actually become a habit and have a good chance of sticking to it. We got married a year after being together...We were together for 5 years. Things started to get really hard because I was working, going to college and taking care of the house. He was using drugs, "hanging out", and being lazy. It really started to bother me. A relationship is a partnership and when one is weak the other should be strong. This is why two borderlines being together is a recipe for disaster. Just think if you are splitting (as in you love them SOO much and then you hate them) and you tell her that you hate her and you say all these hurtful things. We all do it. She, being a borderline, will get insecure and this will play on her emotions and she will think you are going to abdandon her. As this happens more and more times she will become more and more emotionally unstable until you or her end up in the psych ward because you cant deal with it. I'm currently in another relationship with someone who isnt a borderline. He knows about my issues and he knows how to respond to me when I'm in emotional distress. I'm not saying that you two couldnt learn how to do this but it is very hard. Its hard for all us borderlines. Some people think that borderline can be "cured" but I don't believe that. Borderline traits will always be with you it just depends on the degree of how severe it is. Take it from me who got into a very serious, codependant, and unhealthy relationship at a young age. It was really hard to get over even though I knew I didnt want to be with him. The only way I got through it was having a good support network. I hung out with my friends almost every day. You have to find other ways to make yourself happy. You cant expect someone else to give you happiness. I know this is hard to hear and your emotions are so strong for this girl that your willing to take the risk of being with a serious drug user and a borderline. You have to fight it. It is good that you have such a great friend but it is a horrible idea to start a relationship. This isnt to say that in a few years- when both of you have things going for you- ALONE that things might not work out for you two. You need to have security for yourself. Never rely on someone else for money or anything. You need to be strong for yourself. On another note, and HD7970ghz didnt touch upon this...I don't know how much you know about addiction but heroin addiction is very hard to overcome. She needs to go to inpatient rehab. She will not be successful in quitting alone. It is dangerous. She needs to be monitored by a dr. Lots of people in my family are addicts and I truely believe that once you have a serious problem with drugs it is likely they will relapse. It takes a very strong person to be able to overcome addiction. Not to say that it cant be done. But given that she is a borderline and she is impulsive and relies on her emotions this is a recipe for relapse. It is completely and 100% not healthy to be with a drug user. This doesnt mean she is a bad person at all. She needs help. The first step in trying to get help is realizing you have a problem. If she doesnt realize this then she will never get better. This is taught in the 12 step program and in alanon. I attended alanon for years and learned alot about addiction. Her addiction problem is going to be an uphill battle. If she starts to think that you arent ok with her using she will start to hide it from you. Addicts will do anything to get high no matter what the costs. My mom is an addict and has used drugs for a better part of 20 years. It got so bad that I disowned her. She is the reason I am a borderline. She was emotionally neglectful, abusive and absent alot of the time. I sent her a letter in the mail saying how could a mother do this and if you really loved me you would stop using and get help. I told her it was all her fault I was so messed up and she should feel like crap because of what she had done to me. She ignored my letter and kept using. She only went to rehab when she hit rock bottom- no money, no place to live, no food..nothing. She has relapsed since then. She used narcotics mostly and a heroin addiction is alot stronger than that. Its going to be a long hard road for her to recover from her addiction and I think its beneficial to her for you to be her friend and be there for her instead of being romantically involved. I'm not trying to tell you what to do...it is your decision. But I can say that it will likely end up bad and when it does how are you going to be able to cope with it? You can barely function now without her.
__________________
Dx: Bipolar NOS BPD Chronic Pain related to Interstitial Cystitis, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Migraines, IBS and Chronic Pancreatitis Medication: Welbutrin xl 300mg Xanax .25mg 4x a day (take it prn though) trazadone 200mg lamictal 300mg aldactone 100mg linzess 145mg butrans 15mcg topimax 50mg |
 Anonymous100108, HD7970GHZ
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| HD7970GHZ
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#12
Apr 24, 2014, 02:51 PM
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I agree with Ginaaa222 110%
Thanks, Hd7970ghz
__________________
"stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
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#13
Apr 24, 2014, 04:07 PM
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I've never told her I hate her, and I never will. I'd never hurt her on purpose. But you know, we BOTH love each other. It's not just me. And when either one of us is feeling like **** the other one usually finds a way to make us feel a bit better. I want to be able to love her right... it motivates me to work on my issues and become a better person. And she's not like other addicts... the first person I loved did coke. He was a scumbag. Didn't give a **** about me and used me for money and sex for a long time. She's not anything like that, trust me. She KNOWS she's got a problem and that she has to quit. If she didn't hate herself so much, she'd quit for herself, but she's trying SO hard to do it for me. I used to think she would never be able to make it if she didn't do it for HER, but she just replied with "When you love someone as much as I love you, it is possible". And I believe her, because I can tell how she manages to stay clean a little longer each time. Addicts aren't their addictions. Addicts are PEOPLE with addictions. She tells me when she's relapsed and keeps me updated when she tries to quit. She knows I'm supportive, no matter what, and that I'm simply proud of her for trying so hard. We're very open and honest with each other about everything. IF we were to start seeing each other as girlfriends rather than friends, it's not like we'd stop being close friends. I'd still be just as supportive, I wouldn't ask anything more of her. And if we end up breaking up... we could probably stay friends. Neither of us are the abusive type , and as we're so afraid of abandonment, forgiving and trying our hardest to make broken things work comes naturally to both of us. I'm still not sure about whether I'm doing this or not. I'll have to talk to her face to face before we make any decisions... and I probably wont be able to see her untill saturday or sunday. Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk |
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#14
Apr 24, 2014, 04:16 PM
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#15
Apr 25, 2014, 12:55 AM
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Hey lifeiswonderful,
I must apologize if you feel like we're judging you or pressuring you into doing one thing or another... That is not at all how I want to come across to you... So please - if that is in anyway a bother to you - know it isn't necessary. We are your friends. The truth is - you can do whatever you want - and we all know that. You could try and formulate an explanation for love - and feelings and use it to justify your desires to date this girl - but really - there's no need to. We all understand what it is like. Love triumph's all as far as I am concerned. One doesn't have to be borderline to understand love and the temptations and all the rest. So please know that we are not invalidating your feelings whatsoever. Your feelings are real - they are valid - and they are genuine. No one can take those away. But I truly believe that your desire for this girl is (primarily) fueled by borderline insecurities... And that is why I am concerned about you building an intimate relationship with this particular girl. Think of it as a mirage in a desert... It looks like exactly what you need - but when you get too close - you've fallen for a mix of self deception and wishful thinking - and before you know it - you have nothing left. (No offence intended whatsoever) I just don't want you to lose what you already have with her. You know how important this person is to you - and by taking a risk - you truly do risk losing it all with her. I know you have a strong bond with this girl and feel as though nothing on earth could separate you from her and vice-versa - but trust me - nothing rules you out from all the nasty things that can happen - as a result of a ruined intimate relationship... Very few people can maintain a friendship after failing to become intimate... It is really, really, really hard. If there's any way to better help you understand what I've been trying to emphasize in all my posts on your thread - it is that you are not alone. You are VERY similar to us - and despite our anonymity - we all [in this borderline section of the forums] know how to smell a fellow borderline when we see one. And because I am forced to build an image of you - based purely on what I see you write - and given that you are asking for advice: my advice still stands... as follows: ...Based on what you have shared - I cannot advise you to date this particular girl. I think it is a recipe for disaster. And that is my genuine, honest - wholehearted, who just farted - absolutely - positively - personally - flabbergasted - overstated - constipated - manifested - final answer. (ran out of words lol) Thanks, HD7970ghz
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"stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
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#16
Apr 25, 2014, 01:24 AM
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I wish I was this emotionally stable person who could be every little thing she needs me to be. I hate myself for being a clingy, scared, emotional, traumatized and impulsive person. But I know how others have treated her... 90% of her exes have been assholes who beat her, put her down, threatened to kill her and just made her feel small and worthless. I KNOW I'd never do that. I'm so scared she'll find another guy/girl like that... I feel so helpless. And even though I'm a **** up, I know how to make her feel loved and needed and I HAVE to believe that's enough. She's such a beautiful person... don't believe all of that about addicts not caring for anyone but theirselves. It's true in a lot of cases, but not all. We all know there are so many false myths about people with Borderline aswell... so don't judge her for having an addiction. Thanks for actually taking your time to try to talk some sense into me haha it means a lot that you care! Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk |
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#17
Apr 25, 2014, 01:58 AM
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Hey Lifeiswonderful,
I am happy that you have been so engaged in this search for advice. I think you gotta pat yourself on the back for seeking out advice - even if you do the opposite to what the advice entails. I don't have any major drug addictions myself, so my experience in that arena is somewhat limited. I don't judge addicts at all. I feel a deep and profound sympathy for them... I feel like I was cursed in having an alcoholic father who abused us - but I also see the blessing in that it allowed me to steer clear of addictions. (Well - I still got a video game addiction if that counts) But seeing how much he has changed over the years - getting sober, remarried, happy once again. It is proof enough to me that addicts have the ability to truly change, just like anyone else. So as of now - do you think you're leaning more towards one side of the fence than the other? I really do want to hear how things go. I think it's good that you have us as a support if things don't go as planned as well! Look after yourself! Thanks, HD7970ghz
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"stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget" "roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles" "the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy" "don't put all your eggs - in one basket" "promote pleasure - prevent pain" "with change - comes loss" |
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#18
Apr 25, 2014, 04:18 AM
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I think that, if she kisses me I wont be able to resist. I will PROBABLY go for it, but I'll have to talk this through and plan it with her, we have to be extremely careful... You seem like such a lovely person, I just had to say that. I've read your comments on other people's posts as well and you seem to genuinly care for other people. That's pretty beautiful. Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk |
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#19
May 23, 2014, 01:23 AM
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Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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