I have been read the riot act by everyone I had asked to help me. I get told what I need to do - beginning with get over it.

I knew that I was in a very bad place with my BPD. I tried to explain what BPD is to my family but they weren't interested so they just ignored me - out of sight out of mind.

Feeling abandoned, I acted out and said mean things which I am not proud of. The things I said were my reaction to their silence and abandonment.

Being mentally ill is the only illness where the sick are commanded to fix themselves - they get no sympathy, no understanding and frankly I am fed the **** up.

Being emotionally abandoned by a child I find there is no end to it. I'm angry that I'm supposed to deal with being abused mentally and physically - I'm not allowed to have any fallout or negative feelings.

I'm supposed to take it all on the chin and smile and say thank you when people abandon me.

Things go from bad to worse and i realize that my lot in life is to ALWAYS BE BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING.

[dancinglady]

Sorry to agree but that is exactly the way it is. Have fun for the rest of your life. I have been in it for 44 years my opinion others responses to mentally ill people has not changed.

[aloneinmusic]

It's sad. It's just like when people will dress up as 'mentally ill' or 'psychotic' for halloween. And yet if a company were to produce a 'cancer' halloween outfit they'd probably be prosecuted.

So how is this any different? Mental illnesses can kill, not always through suicide in illnesses like eating disorders too, and it's just horrible how we are treated like it's our fault. The brain is one of the most important organs, it should be treated just as seriously as any other organ in the body.

[dancinglady]

With that said welcome to PC you will get to know many really nice and supportive people who would not dare say the above things to you. Other people ignorant behavior and our inability to control their behavior is a major reason why this forum got started. Remember just look at the source evaluate it and if helpful use what they offer if not throw what they say and do in the trash bin. In this day and time there are numerous trash bins off and on the Internet some of them even have roses attached. Lol

[AzulOscuro]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling in this way. Mental issues are not easily understood by people who never had a similar problem. Many times, these people simply ignore their relatives problem or blame them for the suffering.
Ignoring the suffering a relative is having is the worst thing to do.
I can understand that people don't want to cope with someone mentally ill bc they are not ready to stay with the person bc they simply can't do it but I understand your desperation.

Let me tell you something. I hope it doesn't sound rude but people who leave you alone, it's better they go on ahead with their lives. You will have other people by your side.

In the case of your relatives, you mentioned your mother, was she called to go to see the therapist? Many times, they need a therapist guides them.

My mother is dead. I had many issues with her yet I was there when she died. She was not abandoned like rubbish and left alone to die. I cried for her after she died. My father has passed away too as is my sister. My sister is the only person who would have an understanding of what I'm feeling and saying. She knew how manipulative my mother was not to mention cold and abusive.

I feel in a panic tonight. I have just had my checkup with the doctor and she asked me if I had an Advance Directive which is your wishes how you wish to be taken care of, resuscitated or not etc. I need to complete one but I never worried before - I wanted to believe my children would be with me and that they loved me enough to help me, to make choices if I couldn't and now they are gone. My worst fear has been to die alone. I would like to leave this life now, I truly would but I will not kill myself my religion prohibits me from doing so but i wish more than anything else in this world to be off this horrible roller coaster ride.

I think it is beyond cruel that the love withheld from me as a child will be withheld from me forever. There is no language that can properly convey the degree of my despair, pain and anguish, my sorrow, my longing, my need to feel someone touch me. I have tried the British "stiff upper lip" and for a while I suppose it helped but now I am older and death is a reality i must face alone. This life has been a nightmare with a few bits of joy when my children were little scattered here and there.

Possible trigger:

I have read about the people who were having surgery only the anesthesia did not work properly and they felt every cut and inside they were screaming, but they are paralyzed they can signal no one except endure in silence the pain of being ripped apart locked inside their own mind.

The above scenario is a very accurate analogy of how I feel. How I wish I had never been born, I have wished so before that I would have been another of my mother's miscarriages. I was the only pregnancy she ever had that did not end in miscarriage - I wish the same had been for me so that this entire nightmare, this pain and suffering alone without a soul to hear me or see me or touch me with kindness, would never have occurred.

I think I can't do this anymore but I cannot escape my body or my mind. I thought those same thoughts during the terrible long lonely painful ordeal while I gave birth to my children without a soul then to comfort me either. But then the pain did end and at least I had my baby to show for it. I was younger with more endurance and now all I am is old and frightened and painfully alone. I can think of nothing else but what a miserable failure my life has been and that when I die my children will remember me with loathing and disgust and be glad I am gone. No one knows who I am inside, no one will know my tender, raw, wounded, loving heart and no one ever will. This life has been torture for me. I want it to end even while I fear and dread it: alone without a friend to speak for me and ALWAYS & FOREVER VOICELESS.

[AzulOscuro]

Hello, again Little Lost!
Why do you think that your children will be happy when you pass away?
Are you having problems with them? If you don't mind answer the question.

You had children. You created life. This is something very important you did.
How are your kids? Are they studying...? If you feel like talking about the topic.

Nothing could replace the love from your children or your family, but you do have us here. It won't fill the void, and I don't think that we could ever come close, but it is something and we are here for you as much as we can.

My family is hurting right now and I know I've caused their pain and I'm having trouble accepting/dealing with that. I'm having trouble accepting that at least my sister, is preferring to be away from me and I'm going to have to accept that. I'm still angry at them, but I'm also angry with myself because I caused their pain and I can't seem to undo the damage.

I'm slowly thinking of this as when a couple divorces - sometimes - family must stay away from one another in order to be healthy - I absolutely can feel, like you, your desire to have someone near - I so wish I had that with my family right now. But, I do feel a comfort that I can come here and I actually don't feel rejected (even if a post doesn't get a reply sometimes.

I agree with AzulOscuro in that comment - it's horribly painful to want someone close and they won't get close. But, I'm not even going to try to say that my pain is similar to yours because I have no children (that part I don't know), but I know a little. I know you coming here is a great thing and I hope you do find even a little comfort that you do have a LOT of people here who do support you. We're all walking similar paths. And, hopefully we can all help one another on the right path too....and we'll stumble and some of us fall, but we'll help each other back up again,....I really believe that.

Bean

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Hello, again Little Lost!
Why do you think that your children will be happy when you pass away?
Are you having problems with them? If you don't mind answer the question.

You had children. You created life. This is something very important you did.
How are your kids? Are they studying...? If you feel like talking about the topic.

It is a long story - I have it in a couple discussions but thank you for asking. It is way long but there is no easy short way to so it and I don't blame anyone who says "too much info". If you want to - maybe this will get you there http://forums.psychcentral.com/copin...eptable-2.html

I know my younger son has said over a decade ago that he felt like he had the greater "responsibility" or involvement whenever I was sick because he lives closer and now I'm sure that feeling has multiplied.

I think I am a burden to them. I think they have forgotten all the good things and they don't like who I am today - they might not have admitted it before.

Borderline people, i have read, have black and white thinking - something or someone is either good or bad, no in between and i guess I have to agree with that. There's no such thing as mediocre relationships - its either good or not as far as friends go etc.

I don't like that but for me I think I "learned it" or "acquired it" from my sorry association with the Catholic Church. Because of my nature, introspective and sensitive, I took it all too much to heart - more than it should have been or deserved - and that's where I learned about good vs. bad as far as sins go. I could never decide between venial and mortal sins so I just decided to be on the safe side I would assume they were all mortal sins. Which painted me into a very tight corner to go along with the very tight corner my parents strict nature painted me into as well.

My dad would have let me go, though, my mother couldn't let go - and that's what all children eventually need and want - to be on their own - she had an iron fist and wasn't afraid to use it. Even when I was married with a home of my own and children she interfered in places she had no right to - she was very opinionated. Somehow she always had an excuse why the very things that i did that she condemned were okay for her - there was always a "but you don't understand its different for me". I think she pretty much was the driving force in our house - if she was on her war horse and you were the target you're in for a very hard time - my dad felt it - so did my sister.

My brother whom she worshipped lived in another world really - he did not know the mother the rest of us did.

Originally Posted by MMBean

Nothing could replace the love from your children or your family, but you do have us here. It won't fill the void, and I don't think that we could ever come close, but it is something and we are here for you as much as we can.

My family is hurting right now and I know I've caused their pain and I'm having trouble accepting/dealing with that. I'm having trouble accepting that at least my sister, is preferring to be away from me and I'm going to have to accept that. I'm still angry at them, but I'm also angry with myself because I caused their pain and I can't seem to undo the damage.

I'm slowly thinking of this as when a couple divorces - sometimes - family must stay away from one another in order to be healthy - I absolutely can feel, like you, your desire to have someone near - I so wish I had that with my family right now. But, I do feel a comfort that I can come here and I actually don't feel rejected (even if a post doesn't get a reply sometimes.

I agree with AzulOscuro in that comment - it's horribly painful to want someone close and they won't get close. But, I'm not even going to try to say that my pain is similar to yours because I have no children (that part I don't know), but I know a little. I know you coming here is a great thing and I hope you do find even a little comfort that you do have a LOT of people here who do support you. We're all walking similar paths. And, hopefully we can all help one another on the right path too....and we'll stumble and some of us fall, but we'll help each other back up again,....I really believe that.

Bean

Thanks for your input and your empathy. I always wondered about people who chose not to have children when they were younger - did they regret it when they got older and feeling lonely?

Now in my case I think as much as you might regret it - It can't be as bad to miss kids so bad that you never knew - that are just in your imagination I guess - as opposed to having kids and losing them; especially when it sort of comes out of the blue.

But my "grandma lady" - not my real grandma but every bit as special - she was grandma to my kids too - and she lost her husband and all her kids before she passed away but she was a determined person who just kept going - I admire that - glad that in the end she had a granddaughter who really came thru for her and she went to live in Iowa near her and she was taken good care of - as she deserved to be because in her lifetime she had people living with her off and on - her cantankerous old dad who would pinch you and not for fun either - her granddaughter - her sister and brother - had to say who else. I have found out a lot more about her while doing my ancestry research i added her to my list. She was an amazing woman who worked hard all her life but never had much to show for it - I think her husband drank too much and that is one reason she had so little - but she certainly made a huge difference in a lot of people's lives. She was the nicest woman I ever knew, that's the honest truth. -

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Hello, again Little Lost!
Why do you think that your children will be happy when you pass away?
Are you having problems with them? If you don't mind answer the question.

You had children. You created life. This is something very important you did.
How are your kids? Are they studying...? If you feel like talking about the topic.

Oh I noticed your - I guess its "signature"
If someone tries to take advantages of your weakness, avoid avoid avoid

I agree with that for sure - trouble is for the most part kids are weaker than their parents and even though you need to avoid them you can't even when its time they won't let go. But I agree with your "motto".

btw - that shows how old I am - my children are 45 and 47 - they both have jobs - sad to say that my older son much of his income goes to ransom money for a son he can't see due to parental alienation and a court system that would be a joke if the results of their interference (not help) in families weren't so devastatingly destructive. His ex-wife began to push him away almost the minute the baby was born - she might as well have had it surgically attached - once in a while he was "allowed" to give him a bath. What a witch.

[AzulOscuro]

I read the link you sticked. I'm sorry you found a therapist like that. I have heard about the reticences and even the rejection from many therapists to treat people with borderline personalities. I guess these therapists projects their own issues and are unable to cope properly with these patients.

I'm sorry so much that you are having problems with your son.
I guess a good therapist could play a good role in this issue as well. I hope you soon find the treatment you deserve.

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I read the link you sticked. I'm sorry you found a therapist like that. I have heard about the reticences and even the rejection from many therapists to treat people with borderline personalities. I guess these therapists projects their own issues and are unable to cope properly with these patients.

I'm sorry so much that you are having problems with your son.
I guess a good therapist could play a good role in this issue as well. I hope you soon find the treatment you deserve.

Thank you for taking the time to read what i have shared her and for your expressions of empathy. Unfortunately its not so easy to find a therapist that is just right for me or for anyone. I feel that the psychologist I saw may have good credentials education-wise but it ends there. he was initially helpful but then there came a noticeable change and chill in the air. The fact that he continued to see my son knowing I opposed it since I expressly stated that in an email - he continued to do so not even having the decency to respond. Any "professional" who is so clearly not able to represent his patient/client and instead switches loyalties does not belong in the business in my opinion. I will report him not that anything will come of it. i've seen to many times how the industry, whether it be judges or health care cover for each other. Sad but true - however i will do my part and report him anyway.

You would think that if my children truly cared for me they would see the injustice and also question the ethics of this psychologist. They know about conflict of interests in legal matters so surely they can see it also must apply here.

I always find myself fighting these uphill battles alone, incredibly, no matter how obviously I have been wronged beginning with the gang rape I was traumatized by that my mother sought no knowledge of the particulars, she skipped over all that and went right to the blaming and shaming of me. Now I find that I can add others to the list of family who are able to be equally cruel. My ex-husband was no support, he was a male version of my mother.

[AzulOscuro]

Not sure if your son can understand the whole picture. It sometimes difficult to understand a whole situation, mainly when a "proffessional" like your ex therapist are painting a different picture to your son.

You know what i'm realizing those days. It's not that I am diagnosed with borderlina personality, but, it's only enough that someone hangs this label on you for they thinking or showing you that the only thing they can expect from you is that you have lost your way of thinking in a rational way, you lie or you are selfish...I have been given those adjectives lately and it's really fustrating. I can't even figure out how you can feel when someone like your son can't trust you.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I read the link you sticked. I'm sorry you found a therapist like that. I have heard about the reticences and even the rejection from many therapists to treat people with borderline personalities. I guess these therapists projects their own issues and are unable to cope properly with these patients.

I'm sorry so much that you are having problems with your son.
I guess a good therapist could play a good role in this issue as well. I hope you soon find the treatment you deserve.

I initially chose a therapist because I was on a budget - I didn't research anything about what type of therapy they specialize in. I went to her for an anger management issue (because I thought that's what I needed). After I told her why I was there, she said "I don't think you have anger management issues" and I wanted to let her have it right then and there. She made such a quick judgment from what felt like a few minutes of discussion - Of course I did not return. I know they're professionals and studied (well, they're supposed to be), but I felt that she invalidated what goes on in my mind every day. It's like telling somebody, you don't feel your arm burning....and your arm is actually on fire!!
I don't think she told me what she thought I had and I can't remember if I asked 'well, then what the hell do you think I have?" That left such a bad feeling, I didn't want to continue looking because I was afraid that I'd encounter the same.

My mother was also a strict parent -single parent. She was very judgmental - I wouldn't doubt she has BPD - she's mellowed out with age, but she is the main source of my triggers - I have to work very hard to not lose it with her. I feel guilty when I feel angry with her. But, I struggle more when I'm angry with her for a legitimate reason -

Like you Little Lost, I was also raised catholic - so I can DEFINITELY agree with your feelings. My mother invalidated my anger or emotions as a child and would use guilt (just like in the church) to change my behavior. You can imagine the conflict in my thinking when I'm feeling angry at my mother for X reason...and I'm feeling guilty for being angry at my mother, because you should love they mother and thy father. And then turn it back again on myself, "well then I must be a bad person for being angry at my mother...."
Such a conflicting view - like you said no grey area - black or white - good or bad, but no in between.

Originally Posted by MMBean

I initially chose a therapist because I was on a budget - I didn't research anything about what type of therapy they specialize in. I went to her for an anger management issue (because I thought that's what I needed). After I told her why I was there, she said "I don't think you have anger management issues" and I wanted to let her have it right then and there. She made such a quick judgment from what felt like a few minutes of discussion - Of course I did not return. I know they're professionals and studied (well, they're supposed to be), but I felt that she invalidated what goes on in my mind every day. It's like telling somebody, you don't feel your arm burning....and your arm is actually on fire!!
I don't think she told me what she thought I had and I can't remember if I asked 'well, then what the hell do you think I have?" That left such a bad feeling, I didn't want to continue looking because I was afraid that I'd encounter the same.

My mother was also a strict parent -single parent. She was very judgmental - I wouldn't doubt she has BPD - she's mellowed out with age, but she is the main source of my triggers - I have to work very hard to not lose it with her. I feel guilty when I feel angry with her. But, I struggle more when I'm angry with her for a legitimate reason -

Like you Little Lost, I was also raised catholic - so I can DEFINITELY agree with your feelings. My mother invalidated my anger or emotions as a child and would use guilt (just like in the church) to change my behavior. You can imagine the conflict in my thinking when I'm feeling angry at my mother for X reason...and I'm feeling guilty for being angry at my mother, because you should love they mother and thy father. And then turn it back again on myself, "well then I must be a bad person for being angry at my mother...."
Such a conflicting view - like you said no grey area - black or white - good or bad, but no in between.

While it is comforting in a way to know there are others who have shared similar experiences, i am sorry that you too were treated with such disregard and intimidated by people and a church you should have been able to trust.

My reserves are depleted, too many holes to preserve what few resources i have. I have resisted adamantly any attempts to cause me to bend my standards or surrender my beliefs but for the first time i feel an increasing sense of "why bother" to resist or fight. Everyone including my family, the government who has betrayed us, the professionals we hoped we could trust for guidance - at some point it just seems futile to CARE anymore about ANYTHING except the animals in my care. For them I can make a difference at least temporarily all else is out of my control.

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I read the link you sticked. I'm sorry you found a therapist like that. I have heard about the reticences and even the rejection from many therapists to treat people with borderline personalities. I guess these therapists projects their own issues and are unable to cope properly with these patients.

I'm sorry so much that you are having problems with your son.
I guess a good therapist could play a good role in this issue as well. I hope you soon find the treatment you deserve.

Thanks for your suggestions and encouragement and for being open to seeing my conflicts. I'm not sure I can put my trust in anyone when my own family betrays me why be foolish enough to think I can buy someone to help or to care.

I don't mean to discount your suggestions, i'm just being honest, one of the few things I have left.

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

Not sure if your son can understand the whole picture. It sometimes difficult to understand a whole situation, mainly when a "proffessional" like your ex therapist are painting a different picture to your son.

You know what i'm realizing those days. It's not that I am diagnosed with borderlina personality, but, it's only enough that someone hangs this label on you for they thinking or showing you that the only thing they can expect from you is that you have lost your way of thinking in a rational way, you lie or you are selfish...I have been given those adjectives lately and it's really fustrating. I can't even figure out how you can feel when someone like your son can't trust you.

I agree with your thinking. I wonder if perhaps the problems we have, the emotions we have are actually quite accurate and it is those suggesting that we have no right to our feelings or to act on betrayal are the ones who are wrong.

We have to think for ourselves no one else surely is. Thanks for bringing up the subject and the possibilities of alternative "realities". Maybe the asylum inmates are not the crazy ones but their captors restraining them.

[waggiedog]

Hello there ''A little Lost'' and a big WELCOME to PC and it's safe haven for us to share our very REAL problems and issues.

I'm a Borderline who lives in fear of abandonment so I understand a little of what you are saying and PLEASE try not to worry about ''to much info'', that's why we have a PC community hunny.

You WILL find genuine understanding here, and yes, I know exactly what you mean by the ''stigma'' of mental illness. There's no stigma here hun.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hello there ''A little Lost'' and a big WELCOME to PC and it's safe haven for us to share our very REAL problems and issues.

I'm a Borderline who lives in fear of abandonment so I understand a little of what you are saying and PLEASE try not to worry about ''to much info'', that's why we have a PC community hunny.

You WILL find genuine understanding here, and yes, I know exactly what you mean by the ''stigma'' of mental illness. There's no stigma here hun.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thanks very much for your encouragement and assurances - I am often hesitant to engage myself in anything new or different preferring to "play it safe". In this instance, which is the worst thing I have ever experienced because for one thing it involves the people and values that are most important to me. When i was younger I valued new clothes or something new for my surroundings (my house or apartment) - but I have moved beyond all that - I think knowing that I am getting older and acceptance that like anyone else, my time is limited - I wanted to reassure myself that at least my children would have some good memories of me and not just the ones where i was depressed or distracted - I hoped to find out that unlike the past I was valued and my opinions and experiences acknowledged and hopefully respected or at least understood. I felt at first confused and gradually betrayed getting the sense that nothing had changed no matter how much I FELT I had done to leave my children with positive memories - coming away with the message that all my heartfelt conversations with my children and being open and honest with them about who i was meant nothing, that I was the least important person in their lives - painful and sadly anger-inducing for someone who is BPD - I wanted to believe it was miscommunication that resulted in our differences and the harder i tried the greater the gulf between us until eventually it became all-consuming. I think its important to have people and places where we can tell the truth and hopefully not be banished for what we shared. I think there is a limit to that - I'm not sure how much I could still be there for someone who had engaged in monstrous acts - but thats just a "what if" right now. Especially being estranged from my children I need someplace like this with the kinds of people I have found here and i appreciate it very much. it hasn't fixed anything - but it has given me a place to find at least temporary solace. Anyway thank you again for taking the time to reassure me - something i very much need at this point in my life especially. I have had experiences in the past in online places - getting into conflicts with people who seem to have as their purpose in getting up everyday the desire to bully and harass - it was overwhelming the first few times but now that i know its not just me it helps. Still I hope to avoid such unpleasantness particularly now when i feel already stressed to the limits of my endurance. So far my experience has been a very positive one. Hopefully someday I will "have my head on straight" again and be able to discuss things that don't feel so life and death important to me. I like "people watching" even if its just online - learning what makes people who they are. Maybe some day I can do that again - for now I am trying to find my way out of the perfect storm I seem to have fallen into.

i hope I have the good sense to recognize when I've lost my way and am going the wrong direction instead of stubbornly insisting on staying the course no "adjustments" allowed. Thanks for taking the time to share and "be" who you are and what you know. I have met one or two other people who stand out in my mind as people in whom it would not be foolhardy to trust. TRUST is a big issue with so much to be gained and/or lost, life is scary isn't it?

[AzulOscuro]

Yes, it is. Life is sometimes scary. And you know what? You can do your own life. The past can't be changed but you can change the future.
Each day is a present for you. You deserve it. You can work each day for you to get your goals.
Your children have a mother and this mother is you, only you, and ok,this mother is not perfect. Who is? What it really counts is the present.

My dad wasn't perfect but I love him and care of him. Ok. He made me damage in the past but what it really counts for me are the couple of serious conversations I had with him when I was old enough. He did the best he knew coping with his own issues but he told me that the best he has in his life are his son and daughters.

I hope you can find the same understanding in your children. I don't know what happened in the past but do you think is it possible to find some receptivity on their part? Is not necessary you reply here in public. Only think about it.
Some people are surprising. There, where you don't expect a positive reaction it can happen.

[Dobby67]

not In response to your question about deciding not to have children.

When I was 14 I wanted children. But when I was 21 my temper was so bad that when I saw the things I would do during my rage, i made the responsible decision not to have children. I am 47 now and I don't regret my decision. Have I wondered what kind of mother I would have been, Yes about 5 times during my life.

Having BPD at least for me is as debilitating you described. But the difference is I don't have children. But I have the same thoughts about being alone when I die. I think I could say exactly the same ones with out children.

I have said to myself that if I would of had children that they wouldn't like me or care about me. Learning more about BPD has shown me that the abandonment issue is very real in my head as my mind can make it.

My biggest lesson about abandonment was when my mother died. She said that she would never leave me. Well she lied, she left me. So now when someone says that they won't leave I know they are lying. Because in the end they all leave.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Sorry to agree but that is exactly the way it is. Have fun for the rest of your life. I have been in it for 44 years my opinion others responses to mentally ill people has not changed.

I don't understand your response - please clarify. If you are saying that you agree with the way this has played out and that you have no problem with what I have gone thru here - I take serious issue with that.

What do you mean you have "been in it" for 44 years. What is the "it" you refer to? Is "it" a hospital, or might "it" be a reference to your being in counseling or as a counselor for 44 years, please clarify - this thread is very important to me and don't want to leave the wrong understanding in perpetuity.

I hope I am wrong and that you were not attempting to blow off what happened to me. Please clarify as to whom you respond, the issues involved, etc. Right now I cannot understand what you were meaning to convey. And like I said, this discussion revolves around something in my life that has been rife with potential misunderstandings and so I don't want the discussion to be misunderstood either.

Thank you for clarifying please.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

I don't understand your response - please clarify. If you are saying that you agree with the way this has played out and that you have no problem with what I have gone thru here - I take serious issue with that.

What do you mean you have "been in it" for 44 years. What is the "it" you refer to? Is "it" a hospital, or might "it" be a reference to your being in counseling or as a counselor for 44 years, please clarify - this thread is very important to me and don't want to leave the wrong understanding in perpetuity.

I hope I am wrong and that you were not attempting to blow off what happened to me. Please clarify as to whom you respond, the issues involved, etc. Right now I cannot understand what you were meaning to convey. And like I said, this discussion revolves around something in my life that has been rife with potential misunderstandings and so I don't want the discussion to be misunderstood either.

Thank you for clarifying please.

I hope this helps. I just wanted you to know that in my experience what is happening to you is nothing new. It is what I and many other people with mental illness endure. I am not trying to minimize your pain or your experience at all. Sorry that I upset you. What I meant by "being in it" for 44 years. Is being mentally ill, being told to fix myself, being blamed for everything that had gone wrong in everyone else's life, getting no sympathy, being abandoned etc. It is a horrible lonely life. The people who succeed in life with a mental illness are the ones that isolate take care of themselves and stay as far away from people with no mental illness, never go get a full time job etc.