i feel horrible my psychologist appointment was canceled AGAIN he didnt even tell me and i showed up at his office only to be told by one of the other psychologists there that he wasnt there i think they said that week and it is thursday so why wouldnt he have said anything i feel horrible and angry and annoyed as this is the 11th time this sort of thing has happened and i am so fed up with it all and i really dont know what to do anymore

Possible trigger:

i have already cut myself today but now i feel like i need to again and i keep hitting myself and i want to scream and cry and i cant stand this and i am also really annoyed because it is another freaking week without an answer and i cant take this i have been having pretty much non stop panic attacks i cant remember half of this week i just i feel so terrible i dont even know what to do anymore i havent slept in months and am really so over this

ugh i hate this feeling and i really dont know what to do i dont know if i can take all of this

[BlueWhisky]

That is so out of order. You mentally prepare yourself for therapy so to arrive and then be told NO is incredibly counterproductive, especially for people with our condition. x

i know it takes me a few days to prepare and now i feel horrible i dont know if i can take this i just i dont even know what to do and i dont know why people always cancel on me and why everyone seems to hate me i just i cant take it.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, I'm sorry you've been so let down
I'd say that we have to accept that occasionally unavoidable situations might come up whereas someone has to cancel through no fault of their own, but this seems to be more than occasionally and at times when you need that input/or to be able to trust that they will be there, right??
Do you think that you could explain how this is making you feel to your psychologist (when you manage to meet!!) then maybe if it's going to be a matter of prioritising appointments at any time he might prioritize being there for your appointments more highly and, at other times, at least make sure you're contacted as far ahead of time as possible if they need to be cancelled.
But if that's not working and you're regularly missing appointments/being cancelled on, then I'd say it was definitely time to ask for another psychologist.
Afterall you need to know that you can trust them, that what you're going through is important to them, and you need to feel secure in the "relationship", right??

And now.......maybe write down (if you haven't already!!) all the things you wanted to/want to say to them for next time around. Then deep breaths, remember no-one is worth causing you to feel this badly. No-one!!! So try not to give them that power over you, hey?? They don't deserve it!!!
Just try to keep the focus on you, and on making it through........so any coping skills you have that might help just a bit.......even just a bit is going to be good.
And if there's anyone else you can contact for now........??? E.g. maybe your doctor could help with mediation???

But the everybody hating you bit........It can be easy to feel rejected, abandoned, dismissed by others when you're struggling but that isn't always going to portray their true feelings towards you. Maybe talk to them about the way they're making you feel and give them a chance to give you their perspectives/reasons for........ how they really feel???
But just know, you're NOT hated on here!!!

Alison

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi eden, I'm sorry you've been so let down
I'd say that we have to accept that occasionally unavoidable situations might come up whereas someone has to cancel through no fault of their own, but this seems to be more than occasionally and at times when you need that input/or to be able to trust that they will be there, right??
Do you think that you could explain how this is making you feel to your psychologist (when you manage to meet!!) then maybe if it's going to be a matter of prioritising appointments at any time he might prioritize being there for your appointments more highly and, at other times, at least make sure you're contacted as far ahead of time as possible if they need to be cancelled.
But if that's not working and you're regularly missing appointments/being cancelled on, then I'd say it was definitely time to ask for another psychologist.
Afterall you need to know that you can trust them, that what you're going through is important to them, and you need to feel secure in the "relationship", right??

And now.......maybe write down (if you haven't already!!) all the things you wanted to/want to say to them for next time around. Then deep breaths, remember no-one is worth causing you to feel this badly. No-one!!! So try not to give them that power over you, hey?? They don't deserve it!!!
Just try to keep the focus on you, and on making it through........so any coping skills you have that might help just a bit.......even just a bit is going to be good.
And if there's anyone else you can contact for now........??? E.g. maybe your doctor could help with mediation???

But the everybody hating you bit........It can be easy to feel rejected, abandoned, dismissed by others when you're struggling but that isn't always going to portray their true feelings towards you. Maybe talk to them about the way they're making you feel and give them a chance to give you their perspectives/reasons for........ how they really feel???
But just know, you're NOT hated on here!!!

Alison

Thank you I am going to try and talk to him but I really don't know how I feel I am partly super annoyed and then also really scared to talk to him and there isn't anyone else I can see I just I really don't know part of me just feels like it is my fault because I am difficult and also I feel like it is my fault because I should have known better that you can never trust anyone no matter how much they say you can I just I really don't know what to do anymore I told my mum and she said it was starting to get annoying and so I don't think it is just me expecting too much completely I don't know I just feel really betrayed to be honest like someone has said you can trust me and feel safe here and then they go and make you feel the complete opposite.

((((((((Eden))))))))))

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, the annoyed bit is completely understandable and maybe he needs to see some of that.........and the scared bit..........well that's understandable too but just remember he's there to support you......he's accountable to you, and you have a right to have certain expectations of him, including not to keep cancelling on you, and at times without you even knowing........
So let him know how you feel, and give him a chance to give you some reasonable/acceptable explanations if he can, and then if possible make some compromises e.g. he'll give you another appointment very soon afterwards if he needs to cancel and he'll make sure you know beforehand if he needs to cancel.

"..........and also I feel like it is my fault because I should have known better that you can never trust anyone no matter how much they say you can..........."
It's completely understandable how your trust might have been shaken in him and hopefully he can work with you to help you past that/he can restore some of the trust you had...........but in general with other people, I think having trust in others needs to include having trust in them that they will make mistakes at times.......that's unavoidable, having trust in them that if they do hurt you it won't be because they don't care about you, and having trust in them that they are going to be understanding/sensitive towards you/your feelings if they do cause you pain.
I'm in no way suggesting you accept anything thrown at you by others, not at all but..........sometimes trust involves accepting weaknesses in others too.



Alison

I feel like I have trusted him with that in the past we have actually had a few fights and I have pushed myself to come back thinking maybe it was all my fault and other things and I just don't know if I can keep doing it especially since he knows I have been feeling VERY bad lately I feel like he just doesn't want to deal with me. I also have A LOT of trouble speaking as I often get to scared and pretty much go mute and I have tried very hard to speak and be open and tell him things but I just feel like I keep getting slapped in the face over and over again. I just don't get it the counsellor before him told me she hated me and that I was annoying and others laughed at me when I tried to explain something very complicated and I just feel like I am wasting my time and that no one really wants me around.

[moodycow]

I hope that you can resolve this very soon , it always annoys me that even so called professionals do not seem to get how hard this is on us with this condition

Thank you I just really don't know what I should do I don't even know if I can face him.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, the counsellor before him........*****!!!! Not only is that so unprofessional to be saying that, but where is the empathy in that, that counselors are supposed to, of all people, feel??!!!
Sounds like she had real problems of her own!!! So I know it might be really hard, but please try not to take that personally, it clearly shows her faults within that comment not yours!!!
And the current psychologist........the few fights you've had.........the concerns about them being your fault.........well he's there to understand/support/help you and if that wasn't happening, or not happening in the right way for you, then how is the conflict all your fault??? Although sometimes conflicts can come up as a natural part of the process, and that doesn't have to mean in the slightest that either of you are wrong, that the conflicts are wrong or that they are stopping you from moving forward. It can all be part of that moving forward. I don't know if that's the case in your situation though, just something to think about, that's all.
And the fear in raising your concerns about your sessions and the way he seems to be coming across to you.......do you think it would it help if you went in to the next session with an written agenda to discuss?? Might help you feel a bit more "in control"?? Even try writing those concerns down in full, try to "detach" emotionally yourself a little and "just" read them off??
So just some thoughts........
And I am sorry you're having such a hard time.........and don't forget at least we definitely want you around, OK??!!

Alison

Thank you I just feel quite betrayed and I don't know how to explain it I just my head won't stop and I can't I don't know how to explain it I just my head hurts.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, it's OK you don't have to explain
But I'm guessing some of what you're feeling right now is real hurt, abandonment, emptiness, feeling worthless, feeling frustrated with yourself for trusting/believing/trying...........??
But give yourself some time, keep reaching out for support even on here when you can, and it can get to feeling better.

Alison

But there isn't anyone else to go to this is the 5th person I have tried and there is no one else where I live not to mention to I can't start all over again with someone else I really can't I just feel so stuck like why do I let myself ever start to trust people I always end up getting hurt always.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, if the 5 people you mean are professionals you've been to and you're counting in the counselor you talked about..........let's take that number straight back down to 4, because from what she's said/her attitude, I sure aren't counting her as a professional!!!
And sometimes it can be a process of working through a few professionals and giving it time to make progress.
Just hoping your psychiatrist isn't so bad when you manage to see him..........I know your family and their views aren't making that easy for you, but it's you and your well-being that matters at the end of the day, so whatever appointments you need........well push for them.
And if you can work on real clearly telling him what's going on for you........the more information you can put out there the better.
And the psychologist.........maybe you don't need to necessarily see him as the one who should be able to help..........maybe he isn't right now, or maybe he's only going to be able to give you bits which might be able to help a little (and every bit counts!!) because there is more support out there too, starting with..........there are some amazing people on here!!!
On here you can get understanding, empathy, support, information, inspiration........so much!!! Like I said, some amazing people around!!!
So every avenue available for help, hey??
And you were thinking you were undeserving.........you're not!!! Really you're not!!!

Alison

thank you i dont see my psychiatrist for just over a month and havent seen him for a few months so that wont be in the near future and i dont know how to push for things i never have and probably never will and really dont know that i am deserving. all i know right now is that i dont feel good.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, if you can do you think you could make a sooner appointment?? Even if you're making that yourself??
And: "i dont know how to push for things i never have and probably never will......." eden, you're pushing for help/support on here, right now
And that is awesome!!! I know it might not be anywhere near as easy IRL, but you have got it in you........sounds like you are stronger than you think
So keep on trying, hey??
But the way you're feeling...........if nothing else then
Alison

Thank you but I am not forcing anyone to answer here or putting them in an awarkward position. And I can't make an earlier appointment ugh I am so tried I can't think starlight either.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, yes you're not forcing anyone to answer here when you're posting/making threads.
It's what PC's about, there are so many caring people on here who answer because they want to
I just wish I was able to give you more help, there are plenty more "qualified" people on here than me, but one thing I can guarantee is that I'm answering because I want to.
And IRL, well there are going to be people who want to help too........it's maybe as much about hanging in there, finding them and giving them that chance to show they want to help.......and always that first step of letting them know how it really is.
But for now.....keep on posting, threading, hey?? We're here for you.

Alison

Thank you but I don't know that I could ever trust anyone enough I try but I just can't also I don't know that there is going to be anyone who wants to help me I don't think anyone else will think I am worth the trouble.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, do you think maybe a little less of the trying to trust people would help?? Sure keep on trying where you can, but also take a bit of a step back and try to allow them to earn your trust a bit more too??? Naturally they may make some mistakes but........
And of course with the things you've been through it could take you longer (maybe much longer) than for some other people, but you could always explain to people some of how you've been "let down" before, and that it may take longer for you to trust them..........and then if they're really genuine/caring they should understand.
And hey, we want to help you, we think you're worth it, so we're not going to be/can't be the only ones.

Alison

It seems like you guys are the only ones no one in my life offline seems to care at all they would just rather I kept quite so I didn't bother them and I have tried but I don't think anyone can earn my trust even if they are nice to me for 10 years I don't think it would happen. I just feel like such a useless person.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, I'm sorry you seem to have such unsupportive people in your life right now
Just don't allow them to make you think that your feelings don't matter, they DO!!!
So even if there's only us you feel you can talk to right now, please do that
Because we care and you ARE worth caring about!!

Alison
P.S. Glad to see that you're still posting threads, as much as you need to, OK??!!

Thank you I just don't know how much longer I can take all of this.

[Frankbtl]

Hi eden, I understand it must feel really hard for you and seem neverending, like there's nothing that can help much anyway right now.........
But you are doing great in starting to open up about what's going on for you and reaching out for support, please don't stop doing that. Sometimes when things are so hard for you it can take time to find support that's actually meaningful to you. But stick with it, hey?? You are worth it.

Alison