The BPD Check-In Thread #6

Kek de la Doge · May 30, 2016, 03:58 AM

Been close to insanity because of BPD last week. The emotions were so overwhelming I could feel how they twist my view of reality. Not in a way that made me have hallucinations or delusions or whatever. Just the feeling that everyone is inherently evil and that I'll always be hurt by people. The crushing feeling of loneliness I feel all the time was amplified and I almost lost it, and by "it" I mean my mind. I went to therapy yesterday and my therapist helped ground me in reality and see the truth.

onionknight · May 30, 2016, 05:45 PM

How I feeling?

Honestly--depressed, unfocused, dizzy.

*shrug*

HUNGRYSwan · Jun 07, 2016, 02:37 AM

Extremly close to intravenus heroin use once again. Sobriety and solitude hurt. 'Quick fix'. As it were.

Cavegirl · Jun 08, 2016, 04:24 PM

why is my memory so f**ked up? why can't i remember the thing that i was just about to do one second ago. it drives me crazy! then that crazy, turns into another crazy and into another. it's a maddening snowball effect. i'm currently unemployed, broke, the bills are about to start piling up. my mental health is not good. how am i supposed to get a job when i am currently barely able to function?

Angelique67 · Jun 08, 2016, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cavegirl

why is my memory so f**ked up? why can't i remember the thing that i was just about to do one second ago. it drives me crazy! then that crazy, turns into another crazy and into another. it's a maddening snowball effect. i'm currently unemployed, broke, the bills are about to start piling up. my mental health is not good. how am i supposed to get a job when i am currently barely able to function?

I have that too. I am very afraid I have dementia. I'm telling myself they've made some advancements since the late 1950s and I won't necessarily die alone and forgotten.

Everything this week is endangering my SSDI. I got mail saying if I plan to get a job, do blah blah blah. There is no way in hell I can manage a job.

Then the cop last night, then my meds today.

The world (my head) has a huge red destructo switch and everyone has been pulling it. I'm sick to death of everything.

Chuva · Jun 09, 2016, 09:59 AM

Possible trigger:

I don't know if it's allowed to say this, it's NOT a suicidal post, but I'll put it under trigger just in case.
I told my boyfriend I feel suicidal. I also gave him my razorblades. I'm feeling quite proud of myself. Though this doesn't make me feel better, in the end.

Jun 09, 2016, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chuva

Possible trigger:

I don't know if it's allowed to say this, it's NOT a suicidal post, but I'll put it under trigger just in case.
I told my boyfriend I feel suicidal. I also gave him my razorblades. I'm feeling quite proud of myself. Though this doesn't make me feel better, in the end.

It might not make you feel better but this is such a positive step to take. You realised thatyou didn't feel safeand as a result let someone know how badthins were and gaveupyour blades. Thats a huuuuge step! Good job chuva

Ps sorry for typos, having a smashed screen seems to make it so much harder to type!

Jun 09, 2016, 08:09 PM

I went out to dinner with friends for the first time in ages. I feel all stirred up.

StrawberryFieldsss · Jun 10, 2016, 12:36 AM

Theres a really good chance I will lose my job... or maybe its wishful thinking... anyway I feel like I am treated ok at work but on the other hand I am treated like crap. I know we're supposed to respect our supervisors, but I just dont. I view them as dumb for the most part.

I told someone that I am looking for a job, and I am pretty sure it will get back to my boss. I think on some level that is why I said something. Well, technically I am trying to move to another department but it wont suit their plans so they will be upset on that level, even if they were planning to get rid of me (which is what I think)

Right now, I cant distinguish between my borderline and reality. I feel like sometimes I do push just to make what I think will happen, happen. I'm a responsible person but in this sense my life is a trainwreck.

Even worse, I have felt this way before and never lost my job. I feel like I am on a downward spiral but somehow I feel like this time I am right. If I didnt have family members that I had to help financially I wouldnt care. I think thats making the feelings even worse. I feel totally trapped and I just want out... but theres no way that I would abandon my family... thats the only thing that keeps me going. The only thing.

Anrea · Jun 10, 2016, 08:00 PM

Boredom. Overeating. Annoyed at nothing. Depressed. Lacking inspiration and drive.

technigal · Jun 13, 2016, 02:44 PM

applied for a couple of jobs today

Cavegirl · Jun 13, 2016, 04:53 PM

Anxious to finally meet my new therapist tomorrow. I desperately need a new therapist. I meet with my whole mental health team tomorrow one at a time. I need to make certain that my needs are met and hope not to forget everything I need to address.

StrawberryFieldsss · Jun 13, 2016, 11:53 PM

Still kinda paranoid but managing. taking action really helps for me.. applying for new jobs ... DECLUTTERING!! decluttering helps me so much ... out with a lot of the old, in with a little bit of new.

i really do want to ditch that job

Anrea · Jun 14, 2016, 12:06 PM

Appointment today with nurse practioner who prescribes my meds. 20 minutes every 3 months. I am thinking I need to start seeing a talk therapist again, but I don't feel like it. I haven't been taking my meds consistently for awhile now, just pop one (instead of the 11 I am supposed to take daily). Have had a couple bad episodes, but I don't really care.

Cavegirl · Jun 15, 2016, 01:46 PM

I'm feeling ok. But, I think that is due to the fact I keep myself hidden from most of the human population. When I begin feeling overwhelmed with everything that's going on I zone out on Pinterest. I look at interesting places, and big castles, and little cottages on the English countryside. I try to transport myself away from the shyte.

MobiusPsyche · Jun 15, 2016, 04:27 PM

Realizing that much of the apparent improvement in my depression might be due to the modafinil I've been taking from my sleep/CPAP Doctor. Without it (I skipped it today), I am just back to where I was three months ago....which is to say, functional but barely. Not sure how I feel about this development. I might not be able to keep taking the modafinil so I am definitely worried about that.

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Fuzzybear · Jun 15, 2016, 05:08 PM

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

dancinglady · Jun 15, 2016, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cavegirl

I'm feeling ok. But, I think that is due to the fact I keep myself hidden from most of the human population. When I begin feeling overwhelmed with everything that's going on I zone out on Pinterest. I look at interesting places, and big castles, and little cottages on the English countryside. I try to transport myself away from the shyte.

Same here the farthest away from people I can get the better.