So far so good.

[ThunderGoddess]

Super hyper rocking out to arch enemy and such things

[Unrigged64072835]

Trying to get into some hobby or interest but nothing doing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I can tell the depression is there. Pdoc is exasperated because I was fine two weeks ago (though I really wasn't--I was more agitated than depressed). I think I'm just going to lay low for awhile. Hopefully the holidays won't be as much of an emotional disaster as they usually are.

I'll be okay. It'll be okay.

[BadWolfC]

The job I was supposed to get called me back the day after my last post. Turns out it took so long because it took them a couple days to get ahold of my references and then the hiring manager had a day off. So basically, I was worried for no reason. On the downside, I don't have my fist real day until the 27th, so lack of money is still a real issue. Not to mention that the psychiatrist I've started seeing since my last one disappeared is out of network with my insurance, so each appointment costs me $200. I've only had one appointment with her, and I liked her a lot, but I just can't afford it... I think I'm just going to have to deal with not having a psychiatrist for the next few months until I move. Just going to try to have my primary care doc fill my meds since I don't have another option. I've literally gone through every psychiatrist in town that's covered by my insurance, and I'd have to drive 60 miles away to find another one. I'm just glad I have my therapist, otherwise I might not be in great shape right now.

Surprisingly enough, I'm not really worried about anything. I've been stable for about 4 months now, and it doesn't seem to be going away any time soon, which is a comforting thought. I was finally re-diagnosed when I saw the most recent psychiatrist, so I'm officially Bipolar 2 with Borderline traits. I kind of feel better knowing, I like having answers. Makes a lot more sense now, anyway.

I hope those of you who are struggling right now find some kind of peace at least for a little while. I know how hard it is to stay positive through the holidays sometimes.

[TryingToMoveForward]

I found out I have a sinus infection....and have been sick for at least 3 weeks without being aware. I was stable yesterday and today, but maybe because I'm sick. I am feeling a little down though. And very tired despite sleeping. I work 6 hours tomorrow then have 3 days off, so I should be able to recuperate.

Originally Posted by ThunderGoddess

Super hyper rocking out to arch enemy and such things

Arch Enemy...which singer?

[crosstobear]

I think the previous singer was better... Angela Gossow. Alyssa White-Gluz is eye candy for sure, but not my thing...

[TryingToMoveForward]

Wasting time before my 6 hour shift. Not looking forward to working when my head is swimming but I can't afford to take the night off. Gonna have to power through. At least work ends at 8:30 instead of 10:00pm. Sundays are usually busy though. I'll manage.

Today I am self-centered. Trying to turn that around.

[Espresso]

Life sucks.

[TryingToMoveForward]

Exhausted. Sore. Wasn't all here today.

[cryingontheinside]

Feeling sad , lonely , angry , want to die .

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by cryingontheinside

Feeling sad , lonely , angry , want to die .

Sent from my GT-S6810P using Tapatalk

[Seraphine]

Seething. Idk if I want to self harm or harm a particular someone more, though I will do neither.

[BadWolfC]

Tired from starting my new job a couple days ago... have to work again this afternoon. I'm not sure about it so far. I kind of like it, but I kind of don't. Not getting many hours right now, but hopefully that'll change soon enough. I'm tired of not having any money.

[TryingToMoveForward]

I am exhausted. Utterly burnt out. Between work and the emotional turmoil the past 4 weeks. I've got nothing left in me. I'd like to sleep for 6 days straight. Tomorrow I have to be up at 4am for a 7 hour shift. Still have a sinus infection. I'll be grabbing an energy drink. The chiropractor wants me to cut back on caffeine but how when if I do, I won't have energy to do my job and function. Yes. I need the drug. I can't do this without being fueled by caffeine, its just an ugly reality.

Thinking about this makes me tear up. The doctors want you to be healthy, but society doesn't allow you to be healthy. When you're sick, go to bed and drink water. Like I can take 2 days off to spend in bed to recover from a sinus infection. That isn't even realistic.

Just lost my little bit of energy to rant. Time for dinner and bed. Though I never seem to get enough sleep to actually feel rested, even if I sleep for 9 hours.

[Angelique67]

I'm still upset about my mother. But she didn't do anything she hasn't done all my life. I actually cried today because of her. All these years I've been praying for her to stay healthy and well because I thought I'd forgiven her, and was afraid to go through the loss, but today I feel free of her in the sense that I won't care when she dies because she was never a real mother to me, more like a sworn enemy.

I'm still messed up from my years as a child of hers. I'll never get over what I went through because my whole life was ruined from it. I became mentally ill in early childhood. For years my father and she beat me for it. With belts and closed fists. They thought it was a phase I was deliberately going through. When I begged them after one such beating to take me to a psychiatrist, they were surprised, but they never got me any help. The physical abuse continued until I was big enough to punch them back, which I never did, of course. The emotional/psychological abuse never stopped. And it goes on every time I call that woman on the phone.

My old psychoanalyst used to tell me I might feel great relief when she died. This is the first time I believe that might really be the case. I stuffed my emotional pain down very far as I've continued calling her, believing it was my duty as far as honoring my parents. I don't think I'm going to call her anymore though. She's a horrible mother and she had no business having kids.

[Angelique67]

And the reason crying is unusual is because normally my Abilify completely blocks me from crying. Laughing, too. I basically have no range of emotional affect anymore. Just anxiety, or blah.

[BadWolfC]

I feel half frustrated, half scared, and I really don't like it.

Work last night was awful. It lasted forever, we didn't finish what needed to be done at the end of the night, and my boss was in a bad mood the whole time. I don't know what to make of my boss. I kind of like him as a person, but I kind of hate him as a boss. All that is the frustrating part.

The part that is making me afraid is because of what has been going on where I live. I live down the street from where the planned parenthood shooting took place last week. And if that wasn't bad enough, two hospitals near me were put on lockdown for unknown reasons this afternoon. My mom works at one of those hospitals, but she works nights so at least I know she isn't there right now. I didn't know anyone who was effected by the shooting, but it scares me that it happened so close to my home. I feel like I'm scared to even go outside. My fiance is gone right now getting a hair cut, and I'm on edge thinking something is going to happen to him and that he won't come back.

I guess I'm lucky that all this stuff happening around here hasn't directly effected me, but it's still really scary. I feel like I have no control over anything, and I hate that feeling. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I want to move already and get away from here, but I have to wait until May for that. I just don't know what to do...

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by BadWolfC

I feel half frustrated, half scared, and I really don't like it.

Work last night was awful. It lasted forever, we didn't finish what needed to be done at the end of the night, and my boss was in a bad mood the whole time. I don't know what to make of my boss. I kind of like him as a person, but I kind of hate him as a boss. All that is the frustrating part.

The part that is making me afraid is because of what has been going on where I live. I live down the street from where the planned parenthood shooting took place last week. And if that wasn't bad enough, two hospitals near me were put on lockdown for unknown reasons this afternoon. My mom works at one of those hospitals, but she works nights so at least I know she isn't there right now. I didn't know anyone who was effected by the shooting, but it scares me that it happened so close to my home. I feel like I'm scared to even go outside. My fiance is gone right now getting a hair cut, and I'm on edge thinking something is going to happen to him and that he won't come back.

I guess I'm lucky that all this stuff happening around here hasn't directly effected me, but it's still really scary. I feel like I have no control over anything, and I hate that feeling. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I want to move already and get away from here, but I have to wait until May for that. I just don't know what to do...

I would be scared too. Hang in there.

[Seraphine]

Not doing so well today. Feeling depressed, anxious, and rage all at once. Dumba** the bf is out of smokes and making my life hell.
All I wish was that my fb friends lived close enough to visit, or even were online atm. I could use a hug from someone who doesn't make me feel like **** on a regular basis.

Originally Posted by Seraphine

Not doing so well today. Feeling depressed, anxious, and rage all at once. Dumba** the bf is out of smokes and making my life hell.
All I wish was that my fb friends lived close enough to visit, or even were online atm. I could use a hug from someone who doesn't make me feel like **** on a regular basis.

awww Seraphine

you're wanted here on PC

hope you're feeling better today

[technigal]

Scared and shaking at the moment. In a couple of hours I have a mammogram and ultrasound booked for a lump I found. Never been so scared in my life.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by technigal

Scared and shaking at the moment. In a couple of hours I have a mammogram and ultrasound booked for a lump I found. Never been so scared in my life.

I felt that way when I had my first lump. I had it checked out and it turned out to be a cyst. I have more cysts now. Good luck. I hope it will be nothing more than benign cysts.

[Espresso]

My life is hopeless. I'm completely alone.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I felt that way when I had my first lump. I had it checked out and it turned out to be a cyst. I have more cysts now. Good luck. I hope it will be nothing more than benign cysts.

It is a complex cyst and I am to get checked again in 6 months.