[Angelique67]

The freaks downstairs turned up their noise. I could spend eternity never having to worry about hearing their crap ever again.

I'm taking a trip tomorrow for the weekend. I HOPE my BPD doesn't interfere. I hope I only get stuck in the ego states I like. Not sure if this will make sense.

[-Astral-]

I hate myself

Originally Posted by -Asphyxia-

I hate myself

what happened?

do you want to talk

((((hugs)))))

[-Astral-]

Possible trigger:

its my step dads birthday in a few days he killed himself 5 years ago
the reason i hate myself is because am alive and he isnt

Originally Posted by -Asphyxia-

Possible trigger:

its my step dads birthday in a few days he killed himself 5 years ago
the reason i hate myself is because am alive and he isnt

you're alive because it's not your turn to go yet

(((((hugs))))))

and i'm sure he's looking down on you and he's smiling knowing how brave you are to continue without him

i don't know why he decided to kill himself, but everyone who does it has a reason

[-Astral-]

Originally Posted by -Asphyxia-

((((hugs you some more))))

[shezbut]

I finally found a man that treats me decently. He cares about me. Treats me with utmost respect & caring. How do I feel?

Scared as hell! I'm fighting my "instincts" to push him away. I'm 45 y.o., he's my age too. We're too old to be playing against that devilish side of me. I am trying to take it slowly, but that seems to go against my "instincts" as well! What in the world am I to do?

He is jumping right in with me....I don't want to hurt him, nor do I want to mess things up for myself.

I'm bouncing all over the place. One minute, I'm excited and turned on by Bill. Next minute, and I have a ball of anxiety in my tummy. Ugggh!

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I finally found a man that treats me decently. He cares about me. Treats me with utmost respect & caring. How do I feel?

Scared as hell! I'm fighting my "instincts" to push him away. I'm 45 y.o., he's my age too. We're too old to be playing against that devilish side of me. I am trying to take it slowly, but that seems to go against my "instincts" as well! What in the world am I to do?

He is jumping right in with me....I don't want to hurt him, nor do I want to mess things up for myself.

I'm bouncing all over the place. One minute, I'm excited and turned on by Bill. Next minute, and I have a ball of anxiety in my tummy. Ugggh!

That sounds familiar to me. Anytime a good guy was interested in me, I'd mess it up with all my phobias and anxieties. I'm soon to be 58 and I never let anything become too close, except for my friendship with my one real life friend. (And my other friends in the 80s and part of the 90s.)

So, my advice? Give it a chance to see if you can get over all these heightened emotions. Maybe they will pass naturally (that's what I'd think could happen). Just let it develop how it should. Don't be too up and too down. Try to get it on an even keel and be grateful to any higher power for the experience. You're not too old to fall in love.

[-Astral-]

Good Morning !!!
I just woke up had breakfast banana and coffee

[-Astral-]

Anyone around ?
had my coffee going to make another one before my husband makes me drink decaff

[Angelique67]

☕☕☕☕☕ i have not had coffee yet because I didn't sleep last night. I'm not sure whether I should start some coffee because I know I'll just have a sugar crash and feel worse. 😰

[Unrigged64072835]

Been a quiet morning so far. Just checking up on things and not really getting into anything at this moment. It's been a hectic week so I could use the break.

hey -Asphyxia-

how are you?. i hope you are better than yesterday.

(((((hugs))))

Originally Posted by Angelique67

☕☕☕☕☕ i have not had coffee yet because I didn't sleep last night. I'm not sure whether I should start some coffee because I know I'll just have a sugar crash and feel worse. 😰

i wanna know how you do that smiley face now

[-Astral-]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

hey -Asphyxia-

how are you?. i hope you are better than yesterday.

(((((hugs))))

Am doing ok ... its tomorrow am worried about
Going to church though making sure i am with my husband
i Cant travel anywhere on my own due to my mental health
Am a danger to myself
I hope you are doing ok

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

i wanna know how you do that smiley face now

The roll eyes one on that post? They're on my phone. If you have an Android or iPhone, they come with the keyboard, or you can download a set (pretty sure about that, but I haven't looked recently).

Here is one from the Google play store, free. https://play.google.com/store/apps/d...i.coolkeyboard There are many others, some of which can be installed from your texting app.

[Angelique67]

Here is another emoji pack (with the ones on my phone). https://play.google.com/store/apps/d...heme.whiteblue

[-Astral-]

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by -Asphyxia-

Aw, I'm sorry. Free hugs to all who want them.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm struggling with the biases inherent in this diagnosis. I spent a long time this summer inpatient and left feeling awful because the pdoc who took over my inpatient care when the other one went on vacation was so rude to me, I can't stop ruminating and have developed an even worse fear of going to the ER for stitches. they say they judge on individuals and not diagnoses, but when it comes to BPD, this is a load of crap. I didn't even enter the hospital with a BPD dx (just traits) but somehow acquired one. I was so afraid of being judged in the ER that

Possible trigger:

i tried to duct tape my wounds shut and ended up with a bad infection

Didn't think it was possible to hate myself worse but

Possible trigger:

when you are involuntarily admitted and your life falls apart because of it, and you finally gather up the strength to say for the first time ever that you are not going to be safe if you go home, and the pdoc tells you to "deal with it," and discharges you early, it's hard to feel valuable. Now I'm left with the fallout and pretty sure I am not all that safe.

Feel worth nothing. My therapist is on vacation.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I'm struggling with the biases inherent in this diagnosis. I spent a long time this summer inpatient and left feeling awful because the pdoc who took over my inpatient care when the other one went on vacation was so rude to me, I can't stop ruminating and have developed an even worse fear of going to the ER for stitches. they say they judge on individuals and not diagnoses, but when it comes to BPD, this is a load of crap. I didn't even enter the hospital with a BPD dx (just traits) but somehow acquired one. I was so afraid of being judged in the ER that

Possible trigger:

i tried to duct tape my wounds shut and ended up with a bad infection

Didn't think it was possible to hate myself worse but

Possible trigger:

when you are involuntarily admitted and your life falls apart because of it, and you finally gather up the strength to say for the first time ever that you are not going to be safe if you go home, and the pdoc tells you to "deal with it," and discharges you early, it's hard to feel valuable. Now I'm left with the fallout and pretty sure I am not all that safe.

Feel worth nothing. My therapist is on vacation.

that sounds like a horrible experience.

(((((((hugs)))))

i hope you feel better

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks the pdoc in question was fairly old. I think often, they think outdated things about personality disorders. I was there involuntarily on a 30 day hold and he still somehow managed to make me feel guilty for being there...

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Thanks the pdoc in question was fairly old. I think often, they think outdated things about personality disorders. I was there involuntarily on a 30 day hold and he still somehow managed to make me feel guilty for being there...

Yep and until All of these old PDocs retire nothing will change. They give all the BPD to the worst pDOCs cuz the new ones usually want nothing to do with the major screw ups.