[Trace14]

Had a horrible day today. Today is Tuesday, 05-12-15, and I thought it was Monday 05-11-15. I am out of work on STD and I have to call in every day to say I will not be coming in , even though they know I will not be coming because I haven't been cleared by the company to return. Anyway, I realize I hadn't called in on time today and I panicked. So I called in, admitting my guilt. Then it hit me today is Tuesday and I don't think I called in at all on Monday. For some reason I remember very little about Monday. I know I went to an appt., don't remember much about what happened there, I came home and lost the house cat outside and didn't freak out and I took a nap. That's all I remember about that day and it scares me and makes me mad too. So now I may lose my job over a no-call/no show. I know I have been having these moments of losing time , being in a fog. But not for this long of time, out of all times for this to happen. Why couldn't it have happened on my days off?

[Open Eyes]

Hi ((Trace14)), what you are discribing is definitely a symptom of PTSD. It "is" scarey because you did lose track of time. What that means is that your conscious mind was very distracted while sorting through your personal challenges. Our conscious mind is not used to doing that, instead what it does is it focuses more on what we are doing in the now, while tapping off of whatever we have learned how to "automatically" do in our subconscious mind.

You posted in another thread a lot of your history, you have been challenged a great deal in your history. Yes, you managed to take these experiences and put them aside while you continued to function, you did that for a long time too. Well, something traumatized you so much that it basically stopped you in your tracks. This is called PTSD, and now you are looking back on a lot of things that you managed to live through, but they were also challenging you too. Well, there is a lot there for you to review, it would totally make sense that you would lose track of what is taking place in the "now". Also, when you use the conscious mind this way, it is very tiring too.

What many who struggle talk about doing is that when they begin to talk about one event, what often happens is they end up skipping around to several events and this has been misdiagnosed by psychiatrists/therapists when they do not know what they are actually witnessing.

What my therapist (who has treated many with PTSD) has observed is that when he first works with these patients, they are typically "desperate and overwhelmed" at first and yes, often express racing thoughts. To an untrained eye, this can look like "bipolar" or having some kind of "manic" episode, and yes it must be because often what follows is a tired depressed period too. Often people will include "bipolar" in their list of diagnoses, and even include "depression, Gerd, social anxiety" to name a few, when in reality, it is infact all "PTSD" and the symptoms that are expressed with a person who struggles with PTSD.

What my therapist said is that as his patients are allowed to talk out their history, in whatever way it comes out, they gradually begin to "improve" and the desperation slowly weakens and they are more able to focus.

You say, "oh, I must have always had PTSD" right? Well, no not really because you were able to function with your "conscious" executive part of your brain staying in the "now" and keeping track of "the now" too. You most likely experienced/learned to function "with" some hyper vigilance, possibly more awareness too, but that was a skill you had that was included in your "subconscious skill building". So you tended to function on a level where you "could" even though there was more awareness and stressors taking place at the same time.

Well, when a person experiences a trauma that has too much impact, this can affect how that person percieves everything in their history. It would only be "normal" for that person to then ask, "did I make a mistake all along somehow?".

This is where "most" get very confused about being told "you were a survivor". The individual can even get very "angry" too because they will often say, "well if I was a survivor then why am I struggling so badly now?".

What is really taking place is that you are at a point where you faced something that stopped you in your tracks. You are now reviewing your history and you are doing so with this injury that is called PTSD. What is happening "now" is that because you experienced a trauma that did stop you in your tracks, you are looking back on everything else that you survived that was also "scarier" than you had consciously realized at the time. So, what you are doing now is you are stopped in your tracks and actually reviewing your past in a very different way. However, you are doing this as a person who has developed PTSD, which means that you have been "hurt" and are now are much more "sensitive" as with any kind of injury.

This is "why" PATIENCE is very important. You have been hurt and it's going to take you time to sit and review and slowly learn that "yes" you were a survivor in spite of, and yes, something you experienced really impacted you so much that you are now actually "stunned and confused and very sensitive". Yes, when this takes place a person is very confused and very sensitive and "yes" it is also tiring too. What you do need to do and sort through your past, understand that you are a survivor, that yes there were things you did not know, not like you know now, now that you have more "life experience". You need time to slowly settle all that is "unsettled" in you and as you gain a better understanding of all of these experiences, you will slowly make gains to where your final step in your healing is to find your way to moving forward again, but just in a different way.

It is actually "normal" to want to find some kind of peaceful place where you can feel less stress and life demands so you can sort through things and make peace with whatever is there that you are now seeing in a different light.

When you have these experiences with "losing track of time" all that means is that you have been very distracted with "reviewing" and that does take away from being "in the now and keeping track in the now". Don't "self punish" for that or feed into how you will be punished for that either. It does take time to "sort through" and slowly make gains on understanding not only "how to do that", but to understand "why" you do that and yes, at times you will lose track of the "now", or you can also experience a cycle, but as time progresses you will realize that cycles are "questions" and that as you work on slowly resolving these questions, they will decrease in intensity and your ability to be more "in the now" will slowly "increase" too.

[Trace14]

Wow, you never cease to amaze me with your wisdom on PTSD issues. I'm a little better today. Yesterday I was off the chain stressing. Mainly because I know they will fire me for this and there's not one thing I can do about it. So the waiting for the other shoe to fall intensifies greatly. Thank you for putting the time in on responding back. Thank you so much.

[Open Eyes]

Don't allow yourself to feed into "the next shoe is just going to drop" mentality. I know that is hard because I tend to do that myself. Try to catch yourself, and instead work on managing this challenge, you need to learn you "can" actually do that.

I work at it a lot, I still struggle, except that I have been slowly learning, it has not been easy for me, I still have bad days. However, as I have mentioned, I am still very much trapped in the trauma with this ongoing lawsuit that continues to keep it in the now. What is happening with me is "wrong" and what I want more than ever is to be able to TALK ABOUT JUST HOW WRONG IT IS.

I had a bad day Monday because my lawyer called and now the opposing attorney is being "nice" and that is because the opposing attorney now realizes that they do not have their own appraisal. It is only "being nice" in order to get whatever cooperation is needed so she can find a way to only "slam" me again. It's a GAME, and I have been seeing just how TOXIC it is for too many years now. It is WRONG and it is "abuse" with the right to "abuse" and when someone like me is telling the truth and suffering with PTSD, this GAME is actually INHUMANE.

One day when I was waiting to see my exlawyer, I picked up a pamphlet to read that talked about how the opposing side (especially if it is an insurance company) purposely prolongs the process with every intention of "wearing" the plaintiff (me) down so they will either give up or settle. They even present settlement offers around the holidays in hope the person will settle because they need money. It talked about how in a deposition they are very nice, yet they are only nice in "the game", they are not your friend, their intention is to get you comfortable so you might make a mistake. THAT IS WHAT ABUSERS DO.

Like I mentioned, I watched the behavior of this lawyer who "played so nice" with me in my deposition, she would not acknowledge me and her entire body language was telling me her only interest that day was to get away with not paying anything out at all. TRUTH is not what matters in this game.

However, the individuals that should really be held accountable because they were in fact NEGLIGENT are my neighbors. They KNEW their system was not working, they KNEW that meant their dog was gaining access to my property, and they did not FIX it by installing a new system until MOST of what I had that I worked so hard for was in fact DESTROYED OR DAMAGED. And they were told several times to contain their dogs, they were even told about the laws stating they have to do so too. IMHO, they are the ones that should have to pay for the damage, it was NOT an accident, and an insurance company should not have to pay for their NEGLIGENCE.

[Open Eyes]

I am and always have been a fighter, and so have you always been a fighter too ((Trace)).
You did a lot of things in your life that showed how strong you are. You struggle with PTSD, not because you are weak, but because you are hurt.

[Trace14]

Lawyers are a piece of work. When you need one you want the meanest one around but when you are fighting with one you want the nicest, most fair one The whole "Justice" (and I use that term lightly) is screwed up. The laws were written by lawyers to protect the rights of the criminals, not the victims. How messed up is that? Sorry you are having to go through this. I'm sure it is a painful constant reminder of what happened. Stay strong and steady.

[Open Eyes]

Well, unfortunately for me my experience with this process has been one that traumatized me on top of already being traumatized. My ex-lawyer was trying to practice even though he was mentally failing. It was so bad that even the firm he was part of broke up so they could distance from him. Unfortunately, when someone is declining into dementia they at first practice denial and can be very good at putting on an act of being capable when in fact their ability to actually remember and do tasks is increasingly becoming more and more difficult for them. They can be very "smart" as they always were, however, as I mentioned, doing tasks gets harder and harder for them as was the case with my attorney. I had tried to get rid of him but EVERY lawyer I reached out to knew him and he had been a great lawyer in his day. NO ONE would help me, it had to get so blatently bad that eventually I found a lawyer that recognized that yes, it was bad.

Unfortunately, that was a major trigger because that is also what happened with my neighbors too, their negligence caused so much damage that I was completely overwhelmed. Then, when I developed a post traumatic stress breakdown, and ended up in a psych ward, the psychiatrist also completely missed ALL THE CLEAR RED FLAGS I was expressing that said TRAUMA PATIENT, and he failed me too.

Then my older sister also treated me badly and literally blamed me while I was actually experiencing PTS SHOCK. Then my husband was also mean to me, and my neighbors kept on intruding.

I have been treated so badly and as my therapist has said, been retraumatized so much that the period of my being able to recover and deserved to have the right treatment, came and went to where I develope full blown PTSD.

That is why I really cannot tell others "how long" based on my own experience because of how many times I have been retraumatized, even by professionals that were supposed to actually "help me" who completely failed me instead.

My exlawyer last I heard has 11 malpractice suits against him. He ruined his own career by continuing to practice when he could not mentally do so. I have not pursued that myself because quite honestly, the thought of sueing anyone else and how long that could take and keeping this trauma going on even longer would be too much for me.

Getting "help" when a lawyer is failing you is NOT AS EASY AS PEOPLE THINK, I have lived it and searched the net, called the court house, tried to get advice and NO ONE would advise me, they can't really do that. Also, this lawyer had my medical file, he could have just called "me" crazy in his defense. Even an old pro who is declining mentally is able to "self protect". Needless to say being around Lawyers now is a major trigger, whether I want it to be or not.

[Trace14]

Wow, you have been through a lot with lawyers. It's all about the $$$$$$ just as it is with medical and mental health. People caring and doing whats right is pretty much a thing of the past. Makes you want to just stay away from all of them, if you can.

[Open Eyes]

Oh yes, seen how lawyers can be quite selfish and cold. It's definitely a "game" they all play and I do understand they do have to form a pretty hard shell. It isn't about true "justice" for them either. They have to learn how to be very detached and just do whatever they can to "win" their case, even if they feel their client is guilty. Insurance company lawyers do everything they can to get out of paying out, that can and will include prolonging the process in hopes of the plaintiff growing weary enough to give in and either walk away or settle for a fraction of the true worth of the case.

That being said, they have to be this way because people do and will sue for anything these days. So I am aware of that. But because of that, when someone really "is" hurt and wronged, they end up suffering through a long process that as with me, can do a lot of damage because it literally keeps the trauma I experienced "in the now". I have not been able to have closure to this for, as I mentioned, 8 years now and counting. And what has been hard for me is that the case becomes most active when I need to "try" to work so I can feed the ones I have left and continue to pay on the debt my neighbor created for me, as well as "try" to earn money so I can get therapy too.

Reminders are constant for me, every month I have to pay on the debt four times a month too. I went from having perfect credit rating to god only knows what it is now because I could not keep up with the debt and literally had to beg to get on hardship programs which left me with "no credit" that I can access in case of emergency.

The other problem I have is that because so much trauma happened "here" on my farm, the farm I loved and worked so damn hard to create, is now one big trigger. It was so bad at one point that all I could do is stare out the window totally detached, not even understanding "why" I was like that. It's very hard to actually "be" in the now when there are so many reminders of "then" all around me. I did not understand that, no one expects to experience that, not like like that.

I have had to work very hard at understanding all of this. I do share whatever I learn, even wish I had the help to understand when I was trying to understand it so I share what I learn because one thing I know very well is how lonely it can get. I know all about the fog, losing track of time, disassociating, not sleeping, wanting to get away somehow and asking that question of "why can't I just" like I used to. Even that question of "where does one start" too. Oh, I know all about the anger too, I can definitely say I have plenty to be angry about too.

I work at it "One day at a time", and I do have bad days, but have realized that when I have them it means something and to be patient with them. I cannot say enough PATIENCE with self is a must and that YOU REALLY DO DESERVE IT.

[Trace14]

I would love to live on a farm. I'm looking for some land now, about 5 acres, to get away from people and be surrounded by loving animals, no snakes though. They have to live on someone else's farm. I'll take the mice over the snake, plus I'll have guard cats on duty Maybe you should find another farm, easier said than done though, especially when money is tight. Best wishes to you and thanks for all you do for others here on the forum.

[Open Eyes]

I really loved my little farm, it is off the road and has a nice little pond just full of fish and turtles and all kinds of life. I have not seen another place I like as much either. I put a lot of time into it on my own too, crawled around all of it clearing it and building stone walls myself too. I am not in a place where I can give up anything or remove. I think that is because so much was "taken", does that make sense?

I don't know what I am going to do, move, stay, Idk. I want to finish this case first. And I do love the ponies/horses I have left too. I just wish these crappy neighbors would move away.

I believe my neighbors will push to try to buy it, they had mentioned early on they liked it better than their place and wished they had seen my place before they got theirs. The thought of them getting in my home makes me sick.

I put up a no trespassing sign, he tore it down, admitted he tore it down because "he" did not like it. He told me a lot that day, and what he really meant is he doesn't want to respect "my" boundaries. He doesn't respect boundaries, that is the kind of people they are and they are used to getting their way too.

I don't give up, I don't know why exactly but I don't, if I leave it will be because "I" want to leave and not because I need to "run from" him. You know even here at PC, I was triggered a lot when I joined, never did anything like it before, never had the time to either. Oh, I thought about leaving, even changing my PC name too. But you know what, that doesn't change anything, it doesn't help me "learn" and I sure had to do that, I had to see what triggered me and work through it each and every time. I was really struggling, did not share just how much either, did not share that I was seriously suicidal either at one point.

I did feel bad when I was struggling so badly, all I could think of is "oh how awful that people struggle like this" and there was this little light that kept burning of "I must understand this so I can help others with it". People have said to me, "OE, you need to be more selfish and do things for yourself". Well, you know what? I always have done just that, however, I just always like "helping" others in productive ways so I was doing something I liked doing, people just could NOT get that about me. I had a child psychologist come out with her grand daughter and after she watched me with her grand daughter told me that I should go back to college and "become" a child psychologist because I was so gifted. But, that is what I had been doing, but just differently than how she practices. I taught them privately, and paid attention to whatever challenged them and worked on it through teaching them about riding. You see, children can learn a great deal by "doing" and seeing the way they can gain by doing, not with a gold star amongst many, but a gold star within themselves. I also taught them to "see" the pony, which in turn helped them learn "empathy and appreciation" for other living things too.

I don't have PTSD because my neighbor is a "disrespectful jerk", I have PTSD because I stood there and witnessed so much of what I loved and worked so hard for destroyed. They were not "just" ponies to me, I trained and worked with all of them and I loved them like I love children. They were so good for children and they were appreciated for that by me and the children. They had a presense in their eyes, a presence that happens when and animal is loved and appreciated.

My daughter's show horse, well, she loved him so much he too has that presence, and he grew to "love" people and he was so social with people. He was so damaged that he was no longer capable of showing and competing. He did not feel "safe" on my farm either, always worried about the dogs next door, it was very obvious, so much so that I had to put up this black stuff that is supposed to be used for under gardens that comes in a roll that I used to block his view from seeing my neighbor's dogs. This is a horse that had NEVER been afraid of dogs, never worried about them and saw them alot too.
You know where he is now? He is at a therapudic riding academy where he is a therapy horse, and is loved because HE LOVES and HAS THAT PRESENCE about him that is "yes" irresistable. No reminders of dogs there as is the case here on my farm.

My daughter DESERVED to enjoy all the work and time and money we invested in him. She had just graduated from college, got a good job and was so looking forward to being able to compete more with him because it is so expensive, but now she was going to have some money to do that. No, it just got taken right away from her because of my neighbor's carelessness.

We had to remortgage our home to buy this horse, I worked very hard so she could have him and keep him in training and learn and teach him all that he knew. The big question the opposing attorney has is his appraised value. Well, this opposing attorney has NO IDEA how much work and money it takes to produce this kind of athlete that my daughter worked so hard on.

Oddly, because his appraised value is so high (An appraisal done by a professional appraiser), the focus is on HIM the most, and while I love him and worked so hard so my daughter could have him ALL THE OTHER ONES THAT WERE DAMAGED were JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ME.
Yeah, well I would like to see these people go out and actually try to find ponies like the ones I had, ponies that were GOOD for little 4 and 5 year olds to ride ALL BY THEMSELVES, and walk, trot, canter and jump and NOT run off with them or get angry if they got off balance and pulled on their bit too much.
A pony that can be PATIENT while parents put their severely disabled child on her back and stand on each side holding that child up while the pony slowly walks to give that child a real pony ride. And do this in ALL KINDS of different places too. You cannot have a pony that spooks or dart off in that kind of scenario. WELL THAT IS HARD TO FIND, and TAKES TIME TO TRAIN.

I never really imagined being put into a position where so many people DO NOT GET THE SIGNIFICANCE of that, INCLUDING PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PSYCHIATRISTS AND PSYCHOLOGISTS.

Do I get a JURY that can possibly relate to that? NO, the opposing lawyers do NOT WANT THAT to happen. Well, that is NOT A JURY OF MY PEIRS. Can I take that jury out and hand them just ANY pony and let them see JUST HOW HARD IT REALLY IS? Then allow them to take one of mine and actually SEE THE BIG DIFFERENCE?

I had both a psychiatrist and a psychologist decide WITHOUT ANY EXPERIENCE WHAT SO EVER with horses and ponies IF I DESERVED TO BE SO UPSET. They did not but instead MISDIAGNOSED ME. Sure, I must be crazy or delusional to think what I had was actually WORTH WHAT I SAID IT WAS WORTH.

How can ANYONE stand in judgement when they themselves HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED what I had/did/worked very hard at achieving? They CANNOT, and it has been blatently obvious to me in every aspect of this battle I am fighting both psychologically and legally.

[Open Eyes]

Well, did not mean to get into "me" here in your thread. But when you talked about all that you have done, I can definitely see you have been a very strong and outgoing person in your life. You "can" be strong with this challenge too, yeah, it's a very difficult challenge, but be patient with it and keep working at it. Remember that you are actually a "strong" person. I think it's good for you to think about finding a little farm of somekind for yourself, looking forward is always good.

((Hugs))
OE

[Trace14]

Wow, I probably would have shot something or someone in this situation. I believe in protecting what's mine, if someone makes that poor choice to challenge me on that it will not turn out good. Thoughts and prayers are with you. I love my animals also, they are my kids, my family, something you don't mess with.

[Trace14]

Too bad you don't live closer. I could help you out with those neighbors

[Open Eyes]

What bothers me to my core is how my neighbors have basically been "protected" when I am the one that has gone through 8 years of not only suffering from the trauma of witnessing everything I loved so much destroyed, but have been retraumatized again and again in so many ways. The term "blame the victim" has been my reality so much that I really do find it unbelievable. It doesn't seem to even matter that I have my neighbor admitting their fence was malfunctioning, or that I have on police record him admitting to tearing down my no trespassing sign, or even trespassing on my property pulling apart/dismantling a stone wall I was building, even admitting that to the police and then saying he did it because he thought it was a couple of inches on his property, which strangely the property line is not only marked with cement markers, but also with stakes and orange tape. And again, he decided to raise guinea hens which are large birds and they are very noisey, he lets them loose, about 20 of them and they are literally running around right where my horses are? Again, he has to be told that he can't do that. Now keep in mind that I am working with very small/young children and think about how something like that can spook a pony to where the pony is caught off guard and a child can fall off and get seriously hurt. I have that on police record too, and this is "after" I have already suffered so much damage from their dog.

I know this lawyer that represents the insurance company has children well, WHAT WOULD SHE THINK OF THAT if she was bringing one of HER children to my farm to take riding lessons? Would she be able to act or behave like I AM A CRIMINAL the way she did at that Mediation? Would she do her best to make sure that there is NO ONE in the Jury that could really relate to me? Because that is what they try to do.

You know, that day that the Dr. of Child psychology that specializes in treating children and is also a college professor watched me with her grandaughter and then kept telling me how gifted I am and that I should seriously consider becoming a child psychologist, I did get mad. I was not really mad "at her", I was just mad that SOMEONE who is actually a PROFESSIONAL actually recognized that I actually "do" love children and are good with them. I got mad because she did not really recognize that I was actually using that in a positive way, maybe not "her" way, but what I did do was also very effective. However, she would have not been able to see that happen HAD I NOT HAD A NICE PONY TO DO THAT WITH. That is a very important PIECE OF THE WHOLE PUZZLE that people seem to MISS. She was all about ME, and yes, that bothered me, because this ALL ABOUT ME would not really be something she would be seeing if not for that PRESENCE that was the whole reason she and her grand child got to have that experience.

This is something that also bothered me a great deal in the horse show world too. This is very expensive sport, it's definitely a game for the wealthy because it really is very expensive. They spend a great deal of money on the horses and ponies their children compete on. Often these animals live in barns/facilities where they have living conditions that are better than humans live in too. However, often these horses are only treated this way because they are "servicing" and they are only cared about as long as they service a need. One day I asked a top trainer that specialized in training the children that come from wealthy homes if he loved the ponies because I could see they were so well trained and obediant with these children. His reply was, "Hell, no, it's the children I love". I thought to myself, "How could a person call themselves a horseman and not love the horses and ponies?" I thought to myself, how can one miss such an amazing opportunity to teach a child to think/look/care outside themselves for a presence outside themselves? To understand that NONE OF THIS SPORT could take place without that AMAZING PRESENCE?

Yes, I saw how often the wealthy were literally "buying" it, and spending huge sums of money on these animals too. But, what became clear to me many times is that often these children were not really appreciating what it means to actually create what they were buying, that they were buying it, and supposed to be achieving on it, but COULD THEY ACTUALLY MAKE ONE UP THEMSELVES? Well, here I was certainly far from wealthy and everything I had that my daughter rode MY DAUGHTER LEARNED HOW TO MAKE UP. That in that process she also LEARNED TO REALLY LOVE AND APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM TOO.

After I stood and watched so much of my hard work so badly damage and destroyed, that I saw my daughter go from totally being excited that FINALLY she graduated from college IN SPITE OF HAVING A CHALLENGING LEARNING DISABILITY, and all the years she put into LOVING AND TRAINING her horse, that she had been SO EXCITED, that she got a good job and was now going to be able to have money to SHOW THIS HORSE that she worked so hard training, that she also loved and appreciated SO MUCH, and she was winning, just starting to get to enjoy the fruits of all her hard work. Then it was taken from her, taken because of my neighbor's negligence??

I did break, had a post traumatic stress breakdown after getting up day after day addressing SO MUCH DAMAGE. Having to figure out HOW I could come up with enough money to have veterinarians access all the injuries. That I kept calling my neighbor's insurance company and upon finally reaching their agent was told verbatum, "Don't do this to them, they are a nice family", and also "I am not going to talk to you, hire a lawyer". I saw my daughter EVERY DAY trying to process the damage her horse had suffered and how that meant HE WAS NOT REALLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO ALL THE THINGS SHE WORKED SO HARD TO TRAIN HIM TO DO. And honestly, it did not even matter what the appraiser said he was worth either, because NO MONEY CAN REALLY REPLACE WHAT WAS TAKEN FROM HER. The truth is you cannot BUY THE YEARS OF CREATING A PARTNERSHIP THAT MY DAUGHTER HAD WITH HER HORSE. And, you can't even CLONE IT either, she did ask about that too.

Every day my daughter searched the internet, and I knew what she wanted was NEVER going to come up on that screen. I searched the internet too, and what I lost NEVER CAME UP ON THE SCREEN EITHER, not in ANY PRICE RANGE.

I also found my husband crying in the woods, you see, the pony I had trained for him was hurt badly too. That pony suffered a fractured pelvis, damaged hip joint, and torn ligaments down is leg. This pony was so important too. You see, my husband also had learning disabilities too. He had wanted to work with special needs children, but he did not finish college because his learning disabilites were too challenging. I had wanted to fill that dream of his and found this white pony that I had trained that became his partner that he took out to be around children, including special needs children. While he did work as a builder during the week, he did this on the weekends, and it was clear to me it filled that long ago wish he had but just could not seem to accomplish. He grew to really LOVE that pony, he called him "his buddy". Well, that pony had to be pretty damn special because my husband did not know all that much about horses/ponies. That pony had to be extra special SAFE to trailer, and go to all kinds of environments and BEHAVE and BE SAFE for my husband. Well, THAT IS VERY HARD TO FIND. And there is no money that can replace the relationship my husband slowly established with HIS BUDDY either. So me finding him in the woods CRYING really did hit me HARD. That pony was too damage to be able to do what they did together too.

When I ended up experiencing a post traumatic breakdown, not even understanding what that was, I ended up in this psych ward, and the psychiatrist who had an accent and was from "India" decided that I should not be so upset, and he concluded I had Narcissitic Traits. I did not see that at the time however. I was way too tired, and I could not stop shaking with what I now know as PTS shock chills.

As I have mentioned, I was kept there for nine days and over the Thanksgiving Holiday.
My older sister would not let my mother and father come visit me, and she sat across from me with a cold stare and treated me like I was such a bad person to break down that way. I was sitting across from her having the PTS chills, and being told "I WAS A BAD GIRL". She did not hug me, or express empathy for how much I had lost, that even my own little favorite pony ended up dying, I could not save her, and I sure did try.

My own little pony OH GOD I DID LOVER HER, she was so amazing with children. Every time I used her with handicapped children or taught a little child on her, after the child left I always knelt down and look in her big brown eyes, kissed her on the mouth and thanked her and told her how much I loved and appreciated her, because I really did.
Well, when that dog was out there running around them purposely wanting them to be frightened and panick so badly, she did panick too, and she ended up choking. It created wounds in her throat and that happened to a few of them and they would not eat. When that happens as the throat tries to heal it gets smaller and smaller, making it even harder to eat. And they cough too and if there is damage that damage can get infected to. That is what happened with my little friend and I took her to the hospital and they told me that if "they" treated her it would cost me $14,000, maybe more. I did not have that kind of money. The vet took pitty on me, as he has also seen my daughter's horse and he showed me and my husband how to treat her on our own. He set her up so my husband and I could treat her three times a day through an IV. Then I also had to make a very watery gruel and feed her through a saringe so her digestive track would continue to work too. Every day I would kneel on the stall floor and slowly give her this watery gruel, and she would struggle to swallow it and I would tell her what a good girl she was. Then I would take her for a walk, her neck all bandaged to protect the cathreta in her neck. I would walk her up the driveway because that was shaded. You know, my neighbors would drive by and race by us almost hitting us? One day I stepped out in front of them and yelled at them. They called the police on me and the police came and "basically yelled at me".

Well, after treating my little friend for a couple of months like this, the infection from this damage was taking over in spite of all my efforts. The vein the cathrater was in had collapsed too. I called the vet at the hospital that told me to call my regular vet and have him quickly insert one on the other side of her neck. Well, while I was waiting, I was kneeling on the ground in the stall looking up at her and then she stared right into my eyes with such an intense serious look, it was just like a human serious look. I have to say, I have never had that kind of experience, not like this. She was scared, and yet worried at the same time. She knew she was dying and she was trying to tell me. When the vet finally pulled up, she began bleeding from her nose. Well, my vet told me that her body was shutting down and that the last thing would be her brain. He told me to euthanize her before that took place because it would be painful for her. Well, I walked her one last time and as always she just trustingly followed me to what would be her final resting place. The vet administered the anesthesia medication first, he never got to finish with anything else, she just dropped down in front of me. She was gone, and she was there in front of me, but I would never get to look in her eyes again.

You know I relive that every morning? I did not realize it, that my subconscious does that, that it remembers not only that morning but every morning I had to get up and go out there and address so much damage.

I have been told I am a bad person now in so many ways since then. After I got out of the psych ward and saw the first outpatient psychologist and tried to tell her what I lost and the value of it. She wrote down that I had "illusions of grandeur" and again nothing about PTSD, even though she also wrote down what I had said to her that were again ALL CLEAR RED FLAGS THAT SAYS "PTSD TRAUMA PATIENT".

I finally got the diagnosis from a psychiatrist who actually listened. I did not really know then the gravity of PTSD, I only thought it meant "extreme grief" because that is all I felt. I could not afford to keep seeing this psychiatrist so he told me that I could get my prescription renewed of the Klonopin that helped me sleep without having night terrors filled by my regular GP. Well, when I went to see my regular GP, he came in to the examining room very angry. He sat down across from me and chanted all these disorders and looked at me and said he was not going to treat such an extremely mentally disturbed person. He literally threw my records in my lap in his anger. I did not know what to say, and I got up and was frightened and ran to my car. I sat there and for the first time looked at my records and what was said about me from all these so called professionals I had reached out to for help. Well, the only thing I had ever been told by a psychiatrist was PTSD, well, that was not what my records were saying, and quite honestly I was very confused.

I have to say that in the condition I was in, the last thing I deserved to see was records that were basically saying "THIS WOMAN IS A BAD PERSON". The last thing I should be doing is searching the net to understand HOW BAD A PERSON I AM too.

So, I have had to have therapy with other professionals that actually know what PTSD really is to tell me I WAS MISDIAGNOSED AND MISTREATED BADLY.

When I finally went back to see the out patient psychiatrist to talk about my records, I was struggling, with the typical PTSD confusion to verbalize what had happened that was wrong and that I wanted my records corrected to reflect my true diagnoses. The very last thing this psychiatrist said to me is "You are a very misunderstood person", and TIME IS UP. That is the last time I saw him, and because at that time we had no insurance because of all the debt my neighbor had created for us, that one visit cost me $500.00.

Well, also he had lied to me about how addictive Klonopin really is too. And when I did try to get it renewed with my GP, he would NOT renew it, so as I ran out and began to experience withdrawls so bad, it ended up where the only way I could get it was to go to an emergency room where they would only give me a few pills to hold me over until I could see someone who could write a prescription. It cost me about $1,000 to get those few pills. And even more to see a nurse practioner to finally get my prescription renewed.

So, I have definitely been through a lot of challenges on top of the major traumatic challenge. I understand the confusion about "what is PTSD" and "how do I manage it?". I definitely know first hand that just because a person has some kind of title, it doesn't mean that person understands what PTSD is, what the individual says/behaves like/expresses that are clear red flags that they are suffering from it. I can see how individuals can end up with a list of disorders when instead it is all one disorder, PTSD too.

I have not met one member in this forum that was actually a "bad" person either, or a person that did not deserve to be helped and supported. I have definitely met several that have been misunderstood by professionals who are supposed to know better too. I know very intimately how one can even be treated as though they are a bad person somehow too. Well, they are not, they are genuinely HURT.

You know what I REALLY WANT? I want to sit in a court room and TELL MY STORY because the truth is this case IS MY CASE. I want to talk about the PTSD, I want to talk about WHAT I DID that was DISRESPECTED AND DESTROYED BECAUSE OF NEGLIGENCE too. I don't want to be told to NOT TELL BECAUSE IT WILL BE USED AGAINST ME. That is telling me TO ACCEPT that IF I DO TELL I WILL BE ABUSED. I don't want to PLAY THE GAME either, I want to TELL THE TRUTH. I developed PTSD because I DID WITNESS MY NEIGHBOR'S DOG destroy everything I WORKED HARD FOR AND LOVED. I don't want to be told IT WAS WRONG OR CRAZY FOR ME TO LOVE either.

I want to say out loud to the JURY, that I hung one no trespassing sign as was told by the police that posts my property to warn people IT IS MY PROPERTY and they are not allowed to trespass. That my neighbor not only pulled it down, but tore it up and threw it on the ground. The very next day he popped up while I was feeding and startled me. He said, "YOU GODDA PROBLEM WID ME?" (that is how he talks). Then he told me that YES he tore down my sign because HE did not like it. Then he said, "I know for a fact when that electric containment system went down, the beginning of May". He went on to say, how they had been fiddling with it on the weekends but could not find where it was broken. Then he said, "IT'S YOUR WORD AGAINST MINE and YOU WILL LOSE". He DID admit to the police that he did tear my sign down, I do have that on record.

I want the opposing attorney to SEE THIS MAN AND HEAR HIM too. I want the JURY TO SEE AND HEAR HIM AS WELL. I want this opposing attorney to really think about how she would feel if either she was me, or if she brought her children to me and BE SAFE while I taught them how to ride. What would she think or say if her child got seriously hurt because I HAVE A NEIGHBOR WHO WILL NOT RESPECT what I do and so much so that HE PUTS RISK where a small child can end up SERIOUSLY HURT.

I seriously doubt this opposing attorney that expressed so much negative body language in front of me that day of the Mediation, that would not look at or acknowledge me as though I am the scum of the earth. To see the reality of her behavior FROM MY POV. When an abuser is protected WE ALL SUFFER, not just me.

And I know that when someone has PTSD, they do crave JUSTICE. I know that is one of the strong symptoms that is constant with it.

[Open Eyes]

Oh Sorry Tracy, I dumped in your thread here and I have not done that is a very long time, I had a lot brewing and a lot really came up when I watched this opposing attorney with all her body language. I sat there in that big fancy foyer and I never got to meet the judge or say anything at all. I sat there and basically just "observed" and for eight years now that is what I have been trapped in, and it really has been as if I have been bound and gaged.

The one thing this tends to trigger is all the years I watched my older brother abused for just struggling with Dylexia and ADHD. Back then people did not understand these challenges as they do now, and he sure did suffer horribly because of that. I was his ONLY friend in all that mess. My daughter had been treated that way too. However, I made sure I stood up for her in every way possible so she would not fall through the cracks. I had my little family where the two people I loved struggled with learning disabilities. I did everything I could think of to support them, and it was not easy either.
I have always believed to the depths of me that if someone is "trying" they deserve to be respected for it. Even when it is a little pony or a horse too. I have been told I "care" too much. Well, someone has to "care' right? I am so grateful to all those who actually DID CARE and it's because of that "caring" that I was able to learn about what Dyslexia is and how to help my daughter learn "in spite" of it. It is because of those who DID CARE that I can read about PTSD and that I can even get help for it too.

I also had a guest yesterday, and his mother died suddenly and I was helping him with that, he is only 22 and sometimes he comes here and works to help me catch up. I also happened to talk to his mother the day before she died suddenly, something he did not know about. It was a shock to me that I had spent a long time talking to her and the next day she was gone. So, I was helping him process it and he told me what had happened. He is also having a hard time with his father so I talked to him about what that means and how to handle that so he doesn't just absorb it.

Then for some reason my dog would not stop barking last night, so I ended up taking him out and I walked around to make sure all the ponies/horses were ok. That is what my dog did when my neighbor's dog was out there and I did not pick up on it soon enough, also because of how it was not an every night thing and so when my dog was barking and I took him out and walked around it did disturb bad memories/triggers and I ended up having a horrible nights sleep with bad dreams, had not had that in a long time.

So, this morning I was not doing well, and that's why I dumped here. I hope I did not trigger you with "my" issues, I try not to do that in this forum as I know many of the members are just at the beginning of trying to figure things out.

As for YOU Tracy, well, you can decide to run and hide, or you can decide, like I have to learn about it and tap onto that strength you have in you to develop patience and allow yourself time to sort things out and heal. Where do you begin? Well, it doesn't really matter or have to be exact, because you were strong and outgoing many times in your life "in spite of". But from what you have shared, I also can see how you turned things around into positives. It's important that you also recognize that about yourself though. It isn't always what you did not quite know, or what you even did wrong, it's how you kept moving forward in some positive ways, in spite of the challenges tossed into your path.

[Trace14]

It's okay OE dump in my thread anytime. Always here to listen, as you have been for me so many times Do you take a gun with you when go out and check the farm at night? I would. You never know what , or who, you may run into. Be careful.
Are you in counseling?

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I have been in therapy, I have not been seeing my regular T because I owe him too much and I want to catch up before I see him again. In the meantime I am seeing a new T that my new insurance covers. I feel terrible because one appointment I totally missed because that was just after the Mediation and I also had other challenges (with me whenever I am challenged, it is always too many things all at once). I lost track of time, just as you have discribed and Thursday went by and I did not even realize I had missed my appointment until I realized it was Friday. I had an appointment today and this morning I got caught up in dumping, however I did have a bad night and when I noticed I needed to get going to my appointment, I also noticed that I really was not doing well and should not be driving that long distance. I tried to do a session over the phone as my other T and I did that a lot, however, this T doesn't do that as he doesn't get paid unless I am there in person. I did not expect that and felt bad for missing another appointment, however, I did explain myself and this new T was not angry with me.

My lawyer called me on Monday morning to ask me if I could bring her some videos of my daughter's horse that got hurt. In the Mediation the opposing side questioned the appraised value, but she did not have her "own" appraisal. So, she called my lawyer playing "nice" again also said a new adjuster was assigned to the case on her end and she wants to have some videos so they can also get an appraisal. My lawyer told me that now they don't like it because now its going to cost them money. They are playing it in hopes they can get some kind of "lower" appraisal so they can beat me up with it.
I don't know who they are getting, there are so few appraisers available for this. Plus, their appraiser is not going to get to actually physically see the horse like the appraiser I had. He is beautiful in the videos, however, he is even more beautiful in person. However, he "is" 8 years older now. Yet, he is still beautiful, as I mentioned he is being used and is one of the favorite therapy horses in a therapudic riding school.

I should go and visit him, I have not gone, it is one thing I "avoid" that comes from deep in my "hurt" part. I have seen a picture where he does look happy, and I do know he is extremely popular and they really love him there. I wish I knew how to post pictures so you can see how really beautiful he is Tracy. He is a blood bay with four white stockings, with a strip going up is face that goes into what looks like a flame on a candle. He has a beautiful face and a black mane and tale, he definitely stands out in the crowd of horses. When my daughter had him at a show barn, they always had to hide him when someone came to look at sale horses because they always pointed at him and said, "I want one just like that one". Well, my daughters trainers went back to Europe to try to find another like him and they never could find one. He is a Dutch Warmblood out of a very expensive bloodline, his papers are in Dutch. He is a Concord, and that line is known for being not only beautiful but very athletically talented.

[Open Eyes]

Here is his father's father Voltaire, a very famous horse and he looks just like his father however, he has four white stockings instead of just two. The face and head are the same. These are very expensive horses.

Warmblood Stallions Voltaire & Concorde KWPN Approved

Here is a video and this is the stallion, my daughter's horse is built and looks a lot like this, however is a blood bay. When you first look at the video look at the white strip going up the face, see how it goes into a candle like flame? This is exactly what my daughter's horse's face looks like same stripe and flame too.

Here is some history from Wikapedia. Oh, but I must have illusions of grandeur right?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voltaire_(horse)

I worked my a ss off for the horse she had, you can't "just" replace what she had.

[Trace14]

Wow that is a beautiful horse. No you can't replace the love for that horse you lost. But you can love another one, it will not replace the one lost, but you can honor his life and soul by continuing to love. One thing about animals...there are a lot of them out there that need love and good homes. That is a beautiful horse though and I am very sorry for your loss.

[Open Eyes]

That is what I had told my daughter as she had lost two tragically already before this one suffered so much damage.

I on the other hand am having a problem, as I developed PTSD and struggle with "detachment" issues. I disassociate, but it is not on purpose. I think it is because not only did I see it, but that it was so many, with too many sad endings. Plus, I was also actually treated badly for being so overwhelmed that I developed post traumatic stress. Combined with that is that I have also been consistently invalidated in my lawsuit too, and that has dragged on for way too many years. My therapist has told me that I suffered emotional abuse on top of the trauma, so what I also developed is "complicated grief disorder too".

What also happened is that because for several months I got up every morning and every day was about addressing the damages and it was so sad, especially when I lost my little pony, I literally had like a "battle fatique" taking place. I got so bad I just could not get up and do it one more day, plus I was not getting sleep at night either. I ended up going to that psych ward, and that only traumatized me even more, no rest there either, no grief counseling, just being locked in with strangers that were very changed/disturbed and quite honestly scarey. When I got out after literally "begging" to get out, my husband came to pick me up and he was VERY ANGRY and on that ride home I realized that I had to somehow find a way to shove whatever it was deep down and get back into again addressing it all every day. It has now been 8 years and I have not had a break. Instead I slowly developed full blown PTSD. Plus, my neighbor continued to be intrusive and disrespectful and I also got trapped with a mentally declining lawyer. I did not find a true trauma therapist until over 3 years of slowly declining further into PTSD.

I don't even know "how" I managed to run my business either. It was very hard and part of why I kept up was to try to not only pay on the bills I already had accumulated in veterinary expenses, but I kept trying to earn enough to continue figuring out the extent of the damages, something that is being used against me too. But, it's not the same as when a human being can go to the hospital and worry about paying "afterwards", animal hospitals and veterinarians will not treat unless they are paid.

It took me a really long time to figure out "how" the PTSD was affecting me, at one point I was extremely detached. Honestly, I think my brain was trying to "get a break", because I did not get a break. I had begged for "rest and greif counseling", did not ever really get that. I wanted, needed to get some distance from it all so I could process it, never got that.

I do know what you are saying, and that has been my answer many times too. I keep "trying" to reconnect again and when I struggle, the first thing out of pretty much everyones mouth (except my T) is I need to get rid of my horses and ponies.

It's been VERY HARD to explain to others how challenging this is to me and that as much as I want to JUST again, something is very hurt in me and I have to do the best I can to understand it and work on it.

[Trace14]

I think you know what you need to do. Getting rid of something you love so much can't be the right answer. Maybe getting some help with them to lighten the workload may be an option. Let yourself rest. I love animals but I would kill another animal for hurting my babies, and may be another person. Not sure, but I might be able to.

[Open Eyes]

Well, when someone develops PTSD, they don't understand what it means, I didn't. I had no idea how bad it was going to get either. I have had to really work hard at understanding it. As I mentioned, I went through a period where I was extremely detached and I did not understand what that meant.

When most new members join here, they are often very confused about it too, I had all the same questions myself, I did not understand it.

I hover over this forum because I definitely know how scarely and lonely it is and I also know how hard it is to get help for too. I even know how one's own family can treat them the worst too. Oh, I know exactly "why" a person avoids and isolates. It's very important to have the right help and support for it. It is definitely not your fault, it really is an injury and it really takes a person time to understand it and slowly work through it. I also know anyone who struggles with it REALLY DOES DESERVE TO GET SUPPORT FOR IT.

[Trace14]

It is hard and I have so isolated myself and let myself go. Sad part is I'm totally okay with it and I used to be such an outgoing people person. So that is why so many people don't "get it" with me. And I don't care to explain it them and make it look like I'm looking for sympathy or pity. People are taking it wrong and getting mad about it...and I don't care. Really don't want them to be mad but if they don't care enough to try to understand then I really have no room in my life for them. There's a counselor that looks promising here, but so did the other one. Not sure if it's worth the trouble and stress.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, that is what PTSD does, it can change an outgoing social person to one that begins to isolate and withdraw, and be ok with it too. One of the big reasons is because when staying away from others, it is easier to manage the anxiety that takes place that is so uncomfortable.

However, as is the case with "any" injury we learn to avoid doing things that causes it to hurt. It's the same with the brain too.