im a fool...

im a fool....

i need serious help...

im not getting it where im going...

i dont know if im being triggered or if its just emotional instability...

i cant jst delete this ****... im going to end up killing myself at this rate....

i dont want to go back to the inpatient place they sent me last time...

it will not benefit me at all... it will not help at all... i need special help...

that place was just some crisis stabilization place and it didnt focus on any of my problems they just doped me up and made me go to 8 group meetings a day... for 9 days...

i am really getting scared because its so out of my control...

i wanted to just forget about it and i really tried to put it in the back of my mind but it wont go away!

the smallest thing can set off a nuclear reaction...

i fall apart... it hurts so bad... i cant handle it anymore...

yes i have an appointment on monday....

im going to talk to my therapist about a new place i found on psychology today website... they sound like a really good place where they have therapist and psychiatrists that work together to help the patients...

the clinic i am going to now my doctor and therapist just dont seem to be working together at all... maybe they are... i dont know... but its not working... doctor says bipolar stuff... therapist says no, its other stuff...

medications are not working... therapy has not helped...

i feel like i've just gotten worse... im suicidal and dont want to live anymore... im in so much pain i cant take it...

im so scared.... hurt... alone... i just want it to stop... but i dont want to be the one that ends it all...

why cant i just make it all go away... why cant it all just get better....

why does it hurt so much.... ****...

i need to go to a hospital that can help but i cant afford any thing... im a poor bastard unemployed with no income no disability nothing to my name living with my dad pathetic .... i have only little insurance and seems to cover like nothing....

feel like there is no help for me.... i dont know what i am supposed to do....
besides just ****ing die....

I'm sorry to hear things seem so tough for you right now and that you don't feel you are getting the help you need. I hope you can be open with your T on Monday about how difficult it feels for you at the moment. It's horrible when those thoughts and feelings seem to gain control. Please take care of yourself over the weekend.

I'm so sorry Elevatedsoul. I want to ease your pain. When the symptoms are so strong...it's so frustrating and awful. I've felt it and when I couldn't make it stop...its defeating. It sounds like triggers and ptsd, but what do I know.

That's good how you've been investigating places and people that offer smarter, more organized and more careful help. Take bits and pieces of knowledge and encouragement from as many sources as you can. You didn't ask for this trouble, yet you must find your way through it.

i saw you wrote something about journaling. I can't journal either, its was more like clusters of words scribbled everywhere, and arrows and circles, underlines and question marks. But eventually I do see some little answer on the paper. It won't make much sense to me later, or seem like a big deal, but I guess that's the subconscious for you? getting through the fear, anger, sorrow, and clawing towards some power, some joy, some peace. I've fought like hell to rise above the beliefs, words, actions that say I'm "bad" or a burden.

This forum is such a great place to express ourselves. Getting things out, confession, collaboration, we are all doing a good thing here, I think.

I'll be thinking about you, elevatedsoul, and sending love and hope to you you're no fool.

i confession that im a fool because i was going to delete my account...

try to create a magic place in my mind and stuff everything inside it and lock it away... deep in my psyche....

i thought i could do it... but i dont think there is any way i can as there is no place for me to lock it away... no place for me to go and be whole...

i've been broken since i was born because of my dysfunctional family....

its just not right... i want to be whole...

i dont remember my childhood...

any of it... besides blurbs of bad things...

i dont know who i am...

i had my first beer when i was like 5 years old....

Yes all the painful things are there right now. It's hard to think of anything else. Five is a significant age for me, too. I'm glad you didn't delete your account because there are people here who can understand, which is more than just sympathy.

If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me.

part of me wants to go to a hospital... but a really nice hospital... where i can receive real help...

the rest of me knows that where they will send me i will not receive the help i need...

this place looked nice....https://www.silverhillhospital.org/
but its so far away...

i also "suffer" from smiling depression as it were...

but i crash hard and have severe mood swings... borderline personality traits...

That place looks really nice.
thats a lot of feelings to deal with. You may have traits of this and that, but I saw you want love, to be loved, which is a totally normal and healthy thing to want.
sorting emotions and seeing things for what they are takes time and is so hard.

apparently im also a drug addict....

no one gets it

what its like

to feel like ****

while high as a kite

i just want to start all over....

its not fair.....

i've lost like 30 or 40lbs so far... since getting out of rehab... 2 months ago...

feel so sick... mentally.. physically... spiritually.. everything...

to be brutally ... damaged... and then be treated like this because of it....

like its my fault...

like the choices i made are ultimately my choices to begin with....

just makes you want to end it all the much sooner....

redemption...?

there is no understanding....

some people will never understand. It's hard to say why. Maybe figuring out why other people don't understand will help, maybe not.
You can't start over from the beginning of time, but you can discard beliefs that aren't serving you. Drugs are going to help you to a point, and then too much will make you feel more vulnerable, as you already know.
I don't know why you say redemption, but I know Ive gone through periods of intense shame and confusion. And I never thought those feelings would go away. But once I started lining up who i am deep inside and being true to her, believing in her, etc etc, i grew true love for myself, little by little.

I can relate to not knowing who I am, wanting to shut everything out and crawl into myself. Thankfully I have a patient and determined T who has thwarted my attempts to shut my T out, by quitting therapy.

I still struggle accepting "her" the younger me. Mostly I have an intense hatred towards her, but with my work with T, sometimes I can be a little more accepting of her and acknowledge that she was just a child.

I have tried meds, previously drank heavily from age of 15, they helped temporarily to shut my brain down, but gave no lasting relief and actually with the alcohol, made things worse as it placed me in vulnerable situations which has unfortunately added to my trauma.

I don't think there is a quick fix, although for me, things have got easier over the last couple of years. What kept me going, was reminding myself, that life is precious, even a miracle, thinking of all the uninhabited planets in the universe and here I am on planet earth. Also telling myself to have faith (not in a religious sense), but faith that things would get better, as long as I kept picking myself up and trying again.

I am glad you didn't delete your account. I think this is a place, where although we may not be actually having each others experiences, we can relate to those tough times and know how terribly hard it can be sometimes.

I'm glad you are here.

my dad...

the person i am dependent on...

the person i live with and that buys everything for me...

because i am worthless....

and too damn broken and pathetic to be able to work ....



he is explosive.... i cant take it any more.....

i bottle it up... i try to reason with him...

i try to help him or teach him to see things the propper way without using anger...

it does not work.... i cant take it anymore...

everything makes him angry.... he is always saying something bad about something or someone....

he never says something nice or good...

he never makes me feel happy or good....

he is so hateful and mean.... but he acts like he is so nice and kind...

everyone thinks he is a good person... like maybe he is... he does good things for people but is so angry... i am so confused by it all i cant think straight....

i am trapped... i cant get out because of my mental illness...

dependent...

scared....

when everyone goes away he changes.... i just want to tell him to shut the **** up sometimes but then i turn into a scared little child that just wants to go into the corner and cry .....

bottle it up... hide... numb... dissociate... my world is not Kansas anymore... welcome to alice in wonderland... i hate my life... i dont know what i am... my personality changes so much i cant handle it... im just going to go insane.... feeling like this... i need a really big doctor... a really important person that can save me...

please save me....

Hello elevatedsoul,

I see you post on here often and am never sure what to say because you always say so much, it is hard for me to keep track. But it is quite obvious to me that you have been through quite a painful past, and are going through a painful time at the present.

In your last post you mentioned wanting to find someone to save you. Unfortunately that will not happen. The only person who can save you, is you. Sure, you can get help from a psychiatrist or therapist, you can have support of family and friends, but they cannot dig you out of this hole.

I love this website and spend quite a bit of time here on the chat, or checking out the forums, but it does concern me when someone posts very often because I can't help but think: "How much is this helping the person, and how much is it holding them back?" When we make constant negative posts about where we are in life and why it sucks...that only gets us so far. It doesn't help us to move forward, rather, it keeps us stuck. I am getting the feeling that you are stuck right now, and I wish I could help you get unstuck but unfortunately that will be up to you. I encourage you to think about what things you can do to get to that place in life you want to be.

I agree,when someone constantly focuses on the negative,constantly puts their self down,constantly complains about their self and their life,it only makes things worse,not better.And I know this from experience,it's hard to fight the negative,it's hard to find good things about ourselves or our lives at times,but trying to do so can make a big difference.

i am ****ing trying so god damn hard....

talking to the doctors... fighting all the negativity surrounding me...

trying not to give in to the pain....

i am living duality....

i have multiple lives going on right now...

this is why i cant explain...

i try to express myself here... to understand my inner world... what is really happening to me? who am i... where am i... what do i need to do to find peace.... to really get better...

because this multiverse that i live in is killing me... to live like this is killing me... and will ultimately end in my suicide...

to live in a compartmentalized world... a world of severe distress.... crying out for help... where i am so lost that i cant see my own reflection...

every morning i wake up.... i fight the "demons" inside... they are not demons... they are my scars... my pains... my pasts...
i fight to move forward... i walk through barbwired realities, multiverse of worlds hiding severe pain from surrounding people in ways that i cant explain...

in ways to live a life... a way that no one can see me... who am i... what am i...

i dont even know anymore...

i am trying harder than everyone seems to think... everyone tells me to try harder....
no one sees how god damn hard i am trying to stay alive....

I can feel the stuck frustration. you can work with the doctors you have, take the best help they can give you. This is a tough time for you, and maybe you're straddling the line between staying how things are, and making some changes. It seems like you're trying to figure out which way to go, which way is better or which way explains things, and it's making you feel trapped. Maybe you want to make your dad better/wish he was happier, so that you can stay there and be cared for. But, energy sent in that direction might be energy lost...plus frustrating and disappointing for you, and it might feel like rejection. You might feel too broken to work right now, but believe that you can repair and rebuild.
You can get through this...you probably know what makes it worse for you..try not to feed it if you can.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...fuse-self-pity

You might want to read this elevatedsoul,it might be helpful for you.


p.s.,you keep stating how suicidal you are,you really need to go to the hospital.It's not really fair to put that on members here,we are all struggling ourselves and there's nothing we can do online to keep you safe or save you as you are asking,all we can do is tell you to call a crisis line or go to your local hospital asap.