I have a new nephew, but I don't care

My whole life, my mother has been the ONLY constant family member in my life. My father, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins all were around sporadically and when they were, there was never really any love shown. No one was ever excited to see me or took any interest. My grandfather did, but of course he died when I was 4 and my second oldest brother got killed by the cops when I was just 14.
All of this hurt me so much, I think I subconsciously taught myself to numb myself to it. If they don't and won't care, then i'll do the same. So, my oldest brother who was in jail when I had my son, just had a kid saturday. Since he was never around for me, I have no emotions towards the birth of his kid. I refuse to give his kid any more thought than he gave mine. He does a lot for my son NOW, since he's been out of jail the last 2 years, but i'm still hung up on how he wasn't there for me really at all for ANY important events in my life.

So, I know it's not the baby's fault, but it wasn't my sons fault either when he was born and no one was really there. I just feel that I have to make people feel how I felt because it hurt and still does hurt very much that no one was or is there. I won't talk to my grandmother because she doesn't act like one, same with the rest of my family.

It's an awful coping mechanism I have learned, but I was formed into this mental mess by these people. Maybe once I actually see the kid something might change, but I'm in no hurry to see him. Don't want to hold him or anything, just because his father is a HUUUUUGE A**hole.

So, please tell me your views on this. ALL comments are welcome!

It's really your choice whether you love someone or you don't. You are not under any obligation to love this little baby because he is your nephew, nor are you forbidden from loving him no matter how badly you think of his father. If it seems impossible to love, it could be because you live in the past, not the present. You discard the present, in fact, and prefer to remain in the past.

Perhaps this current situation can help illuminate what a prison you have created for yourself with holding all these grudges against people who should have loved you, but did not, just as you are about to do to this little innocent, fresh in this world.

What if you could let everyone 'in', and took life as it is now, from this day forward?
I hear in your post that you wish things were different. They can be and it's up to you. Healing old hurts is really helpful to move on and build new relationships, even new relationships with those people already in our lives.

You have suffered many, many hurts . I hope you are working with a psychotherapist to help your life, and your son's life, feel much better.

Great feedback already. @Sunna...It's the fact that I don't know HOW to let it go. Even when I TRY to stop thinking, my brain NEVER shuts down those bad thoughts. No matter what. Maybe I'll be good for a day or so, but it never lasts. Which brings me to ECHOES...I can NOT find a therapist that I feel is trying to help me. I always get the ones where I tell them what's going on and they just say "oh yeah, you're right" or suggest stupid things like tapping exercises and crap. I can't do those things because I already DOUBT that anything will work. Same with hypnosis and all. Then the ones that seem good aren't taking my insurance or there's some other freaking issue to cause a road block for me. My search continues though.

I don't want to be like this, but it's been this way for so long...reaching out to everyone with no one to reach back. I can't even have a healthy relationship with someone else because of this. I have to consciously work at it everyday. These people MADE this way and I suffer EVERYDAY. So, why do they get off so easy?

(((emptybee15))) - yeah, i've had similar feelings. i could not have kids or a family and, when my siblings married or had children, i had mixed feelings. their successes raised issues with my personal failures / problems. i was asked to be a godparent though i really didn't want to be; still, i said yes despite my feelings.

i think you are seeing the child through your brother. but, children do not ask to be born and when he grows up he will be a person possibly very different to your brother and, he might even turn out to be a good friend to your child. please remember that this just born boy will need all the help he can in this difficult world. please do not pre-judge him. i can relate to and understand your feelings with all you have been through, and all the water under the bridge with the boy's dad. i have a feeling that once you lay your eyes on the boy and pick him up and hold him that he will bring you joy.

when i was young, my godmother (an aunt) was the constant reliable person in my life. (mom did not like me much and often mistreated me.) without my aunt, i don't know what would have happened to me. i have tried to follow her lead with my nieces and nephew. it is my way of saying thanks to her. all the best to you!

There is a post of mine titled by wolfsong in creative corner that you may want to read.Tried to post the link,but failed.If religion is distasteful to you,try to overlook that and see the message I tried to convey in this old post of mine.I struggle with hurt that equals anger.I hate it.I see that it only robs ME.Therefore,it is in my best interest to forgive.You may end up being a light shining in the childs darkness and a soft place to fall.Try to understand that this child is a clean slate and has made no offence by the fact it was born to him.You CAN take control of thoughts.I obsessively had a very disturbing repetitive thought that almost destroyed me.I battled it.I would war with it by repeating a verse of a song which countered the thought,and sometimes even wrote it out in my head.

You say I can't do it because I already doubt it will work.The only way to change....is to want to change.You have to want it.If you are comfortable remaining in this state of toxic bitterness and don't want to 'do the work' of forgiving them,forgiving you,accepting the past was jacked up,but is still the past,you remain bound to it.The only thing focusing on it does is to isolate you from these relationships which may provide you some growth and healing,and even colors the relationships you DO cultivate.The power to transform yourself to be 'not like them' is within you.If you wish to heal,you must make a choice.None of it is really dependent on accepting/loving the child.But it is at the core of your pain that you are hurt....which manifests anger,and that turns into bitterness,and healing will occur when you release the power of bitterness,and its power over you.I am just like you and the fight to feel good inside is something I must always contend with,it requires me to always be mindful.Mindful that my thoughts can damage me,so I must revise my thought process and replace it with healthy purposeful thoughts.Don't feel guilty for how you feel,just understand that you are hurt and need to heal.

p.s your status in your profile says :Alone completely.How can you change that?What can you do to bring relief to feelings of being alone?

You all give such great advice. I'm in a funk right now, I feel so empty and dead inside. I FEEL like the only way to get over this is to have someone SHOW me love. I need it, we all do as people. I'm scared to get close to anyone because everyone ends up out of my life. I didn'tm even know how to love my son when I had him. I have grown to handle it better, but I still don't feel that motherly thing that women have. I don't even get near babies and I refuse to have anymore because I don't have enough of myself to give. UGH!!!! I hate who I turned out to be. Damn you, BPD.

I can be around million people and still feel alone. I have no idea how to stop that.

Someone who helped me tremendously was Byron Katie. She is even quoted in articles here on Psych Central. There is a lot of her materials you can find for free in many places. You can start with her website which contains a brief video of her lecture and session as well as "the work" materials for you to start working on it yourself.

http://www.thework.com/index.php

I heard her work miracles with victims of childhood sexual abuse, with grief and betrayal, with weight issues, with seemingly intollerable life's circumstances.

I am not surprised that therapy and digging into the past does not work. What I found is that no matter how deeply I dig into where my current painful feelings originate it does nothing to allieviate them, in fact often merely adds to my victimhood feelings. We then CLING to those feelings and thoughts and rip to shreds anyone who would mention forgiveness "These a-holes did such horrible things to me, how DARE YOU!!! even suggest I forgive them one iota".

But forgiveness is the only way to freedom. Them begging for your forgiveness is not, because no matter how good they are today what was, was and can't ever be undone, as you know with your brother. You forgive them not because they sufficiently made it up to you and now deserve it (they never will), but because you deserve it. You deserve peace.

You might want to try looking for a therapist who is trained in psychoanalysis. If you live near a large city you can contact a psychoanalytic institute for a referral. This is how I found my therapist.
Here are some: http://www.apsa.org/About_APsaA/Accr...nstitutes.aspx

It might be an idea to see a therapist who isn't on your insurance, if possible. Some insurance plans offer only brief therapy.

You don't have to suffer. Your life can feel better.

I understand when you have been hurt, you want others to feel that too in similar situations. the pain others cause is heartbreaking, and sometimes the pain is handed down from each one. The dance has begun, and if anyone dare miss a step or try to change the step, everyone is watching and it is no small matter that The Dance has been disrupted.
I appreciate your honesty.

oh boy i know where your coming from when it comes to not wanting to acknowledge your new born nephew, but i think you need to wear your big girl shoes and show some loving to this bundle of joy.
your nephew had nothing to do with your brother being absent in your life.