Jealous of my boyfriend's past

Hi everyone,

I have never done this before and I am generally a very private person, so forgive me if I seem like I don't know what I'm doing. I am a 25 year old female and I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly three years now. We also dated in high school for a year, but broke it off amicably when I went to college and he joined the military. By the time we met again in 2009, he had been with 12 more women. During those four years, I had the same boyfriend on and off for the entire four years of college, which was not the greatest relationship, but during our off periods I had a few fairly miserable one night stands as a result of being too drunk.

I have been struggling from the beginning of this relationship with jealousy and anger towards my current boyfriend because of the other women he has had sex with. It was not only the number of women, but their quality and way that he dealt with them. The 12 occurred within just a few months (maybe 8?) and he had a lot of random stranger sex that he would continue for a few weeks or months, sometimes overlapping girls. For some reason this bothers me, though I rationally know that he did nothing wrong and that enjoying sex with others is healthy. Maybe I was in denial, but I had come to the conclusion that he felt much like I did about the other people I had been with: he regretted it and felt they were mistakes.

Last night he told me this was not true, he did not regret it and he enjoyed being with them. This changed my entire perspective on him and I broke down, alternating from raging anger to feeling suicidal and weeping uncontrollably. In my view, the women that he was with were trashy, stupid, and disgusting (He has told me about them, huge mistake, but my fault) and I can't fathom how one would enjoy their company. He says his relationships did not mean anything, but that he still had fun with them. The idea that he could have fun with and enjoy sex with these women that I think are so gross makes me ill. And please excuse my graphicness, but the thought of his penis inside me after having been in all those women absolutely makes me want to die.

I often imagine him enjoying sex with them against my own will and I want to end the imaginary show so badly, I would do nearly anything if I thought it would help. I am incredibly jealous and I feel like I am just one of many, an interchangeable part. I feel that I am not good enough and somehow his enjoying these other girls lessens what we have. I thought I was special in some way, but this makes that feeling disappear, though I know it shouldn't. I was seriously considering suicide, but I am too afraid of death and I could not do it to my family or my boyfriend. The emotions are so unbearable I can't do anything. I tried to read, go for a walk, write something, but nothing is taking my mind off of it and thinking about it is so painful I feel like I can't breathe. I was supposed to go to work and class today, but I don't know if I'll be able to with my puffed-up face from crying and this emotional instability.

I feel like I know all the typical answers/solutions to jealously, I've read a lot about them in the past three years. I know that this is irrational and I should be happy that he enjoyed his time with others. I know that he loves me and never has felt anything like what he's felt for me for any other woman, but that even if he did, it shouldn't bother me. I recognize that he is his own person and has his own life outside of me. I know he is normal and healthy and I am the one that is screwed up. He has been an incredibly supportive and loving boyfriend and he doesn't deserve my anger or jealousy.

I've thought about breaking up with him to save he and myself the trouble, but I have been too weak so far. It does not help that I know even if did I break up with him, nothing would change. I love him immensely, he is my best friend, and I just don't see this sick feeling going away even if he's gone. I also know that if I wanted to find someone else eventually, nobody would fit the little mold of purity and dedication that I want, as normal human beings enjoy having sex with random people and most people my age have already lost their virginity. It makes me feel hopeless and incredibly irrational.

I think I have mostly avoided any jealous outbreaks in the past (though that's not to say that I haven't had any, but most were towards the beginning of our relationship) by lying to myself about him enjoying it and trying my best not to think about it. In my moments of sanity, which is really most of the time, it doesn't necessarily bother me so much.

Right now I am crying and I feel an incredible amount of anxiety and anger. I am alternating between hating him and wanting to punch him in the face, to wanting him to hold me while I cry. Oftentimes I want him to hurt, and I try as hard as I can to avoid saying and doing hurtful things because I love him, but I don't always succeed. I both hate myself and him in times like these. It feels like a repeated punch in the gut and I might vomit. It does not help that I am also PMSing and I was dealing with a baseline smoldering anger the whole day yesterday when this was brought up. I also believe I am in withdrawal from marijuana addiction as I have just recently quit and I have had many other symptoms of withdrawal, such as: nausea, irritability, inability to sleep, anxiety, etc.

I am sorry for the wall of rambling text and I will be surprised if anyone answers at all. If I don't get some relief, I am afraid of what I might do. Please help me if you can.

I may be cripplingly old fashioned, but I do think there's something wrong with that many casual partners on that time frame - I'm a sex in relationships kind of guy - and when I break that I generally feel crap for months (However I'm 22 and have had 3 sexual partners - enforced by me, generally (ironically, 2 were 'casual' in the sense that there was no formal relationship ('taking it easy and simple' they said), but they lasted a few months and were solely with the same people).

It's normal for you to be jealous in this case, and I definitely don't think you should be happy that he enjoyed himself in that way! :P

Are your objections of his lifestyle because of your moral code, or just because it makes you feel unimportant/unloved? Or is it because it makes you feel like you're not taking advantage of life?

Don't beat yourself up so much about it - you're definitely not alone (and I don't think that normal human beings enjoy having sex with random people either - but again, I'm an unconventional conservative).

Try to resist punching him in the face.

You are totally over reacting that is the past. If you can't let the past go than you don't need to be with him.My ex fiance was a virgin when I met him and I had a few sexual encouters with men before him. He completly understood that it was part of my past and it never changed anything between us. I didn't cheat on him that's what mattered. As long as he didn't cheat on you with any of those girls than there is nothing wrong with what he did. He is a young guy and many young guys do that. They have many sexual partners. You are expecting too much from a man at that age to be a virgin. You really need to decide can you handle it or are you going to walk away.Its not fair to him that you are pissed about his past. The past is the past and you need to move on.

I would get into therapy if I were you, and try to understand why you feel compelled to stay with a person whose values are so different from yours. You never really discussed them, you just assumed they were the same, then one day you found out, and now you're devastated. What else don't you two talk about? And you don't seem to be able to appreciate him as a separate person, but just as an extension of yourself, which makes me wonder if that's how you were raised? Cos that's how I was raised, and it left me blind to my partners' realities. I simply did not see what I didn't want to see.

Maybe he had all those partners to try and get over you or something. Don't people generally follow up a serious relationship with a series of flings or at least a relationship that is different to the last one?

I don't mean to be rude, but this was not helpful. Referencing the fact that your boyfriend had no trouble with it means nothing to me. Great, I'm happy that he has a healthy mentality. I recognize that I do not and that I need help fixing it.

I understand that this is my issue, and I am asking HOW to get over it. I want to be with him. Telling me to "get over it" is not constructive. You really shouldn't answer if you have nothing to add but that I am "over-reacting", as I clearly know that I am, and have identified that as the problem.

My point with saying that nobody will fit my "mold of purity" was that I know that it is unrealistic, so it makes me feel incredibly hopeless that even if I were to break up with my current boyfriend, I would never be able to find someone else that would make me happy if I keep this current mindset. Which is why I would like to change it.

My boyfriend and I talk about everything and we've beat this topic to death, really. My problem was that I misunderstood what he was saying and filled in the blanks with my own preconceptions. Our communication is not an issue at all.

I am currently in therapy, but it is not helping with this problem. I would like another point of view so I can get over this.

I clearly stated in my post that I understand that he is a separate person and he is entitled to his own life. Unfortunately, knowing this rationally does not change how I feel about the situation. I need help "coping with emotions"... as per the title of the forum.

I wish this were true, but no. We've talked about it and he did it because he thought it was fun.

It's both a moral thing and it makes me feel like I am sharing him with all the other women. If I thought that he regretted it, I'd feel as if I wasn't missing part of him, but in my mind, however distorted this thinking is, he cannot love me completely if he feels those relationships were valuable.

Do you have any suggestions to get over this?

My generation was the 60's where sex was rampant, and everyone did it and often! But even *I* think that he "over-did" things in that amount of time. Doesn't he realize there are diseases out there -- that even if he used protection, it's not always foolproof? I hope you got tested cause anyone who tells you they've had alot of partners is a time bomb. GEt tested!!! And do it soon!

If you're going to stay with this guy, don't talk about his past anymore. It's just not worth it. It's going to drive you insane.

Also, the withdrawing from the marijuana could be a factor in your emotions lately. It's hard to get off stuff that you're addicted to, and I applaud your admission and the fact that you're getting off the marijuana. You'll feel MUCH better and you'll think MUCH clearer!! Good for you!

I wish you the very best. Try not to obsess over this. It and HE isn't worth it. No one is. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

We've both been tested numerous times, and he used condoms with everyone.

I really wish it was as easy as 'not talking about it.' Even if we don't talk, it runs through my mind constantly. Everything reminds me of it. I can barely function. I feel like I've lost the person I loved.

Is there any way I can think about it that might not hurt so much? How can I make this OK?

Wow. I am really sorry you are going through this. I can relate a little.

First thing, though, (if you haven't already done it), get to the doctor or campus health center. You both had multiple partners, and it is really important that you take control and make sure you are OK health-wise (he can tell you until the cows come home that he used protection every single time, and you can think you remember your partners using protection while you were drunk, but it's up to you to look after your own health at this point).

Once you do that you may feel a little better knowing you are OK in that dept. and there is no need to have concern there. Knowledge is power. Also, you may want to discuss your other feelings and symptoms with your health care provider. (I know you mentioned you are super private, but this is something worth sharing, as well).

I really would encourage you to speak with a T. Do you have a T or know of one that you can speak with?

Although, you were "on a break" (famous last words ), clearly you are not OK with what happened and are taking it very much to heart. There is something lovely to be said for that. But it's not healthy that you would take it so far as to contemplate hurting yourself.

Whether your feelings are "irrational" (or not) is irrelevant. They are your feelings, and you deserve to feel them, talk about them, share them and have them acknowledged and validated. To deserve the opportunity to get them out with a trusted, caring party who will help you find your way back on your path again.

My first long-term, serious bf and I took a very short break (at his request) right before he went to law school. After, two weeks, he called me and asked me out on a date I drove to his condo and the second he opened the front door, I could TELL he had been with someone else. It was written all over his face. I asked him flat out and he was absolutely stunned. lol! He admitted it, I ran into the bathroom, locked myself in, and was in tears. I had to know all the details (like you). He totally spilled it.

I forgave him and we got back together. I was fine actually. BUT HE could not handle the fact that I forgave him and was able to move past it. He literally became paranoid. I continued to be faithful as I'd always been. But he just broke down (maybe it was a little bit of law school, too). Anyway, he behaved unforgivably after that in an effort to try to gain control of things again for his own sanity.

I broke up with him and never looked back.

I also learned a lot (and at your very age about relationships, being in love, being with my best friend, infidelity, taking breaks, breakdown of trust, aftermath, forgiveness, etc).

There are very caring, supportive people here that have and will provide as much feedback and input as you request; however, it's also important to focus on RL self-care and get to the root of the matter so you aren't hurting so much.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Rose

Excuse me for mailing you months after your post. I feel quite the same about my boyfriend's past. I know everything I should be doing to make things better but my insecurity is like an animal I can't control and it rears its ugly head again and again. I at times feel intense anger where I want to punch him or hopelessness where I wish I didn't exist. It's destroying things with him, I no longer feel our relationship is pure.

I was wondering if you came to any conclusion since then? Maybe I can PM you my full story and we can help each other Im not sure.

I hope to hear from you, and I hope you're situation has gotten better since then.
Sharon

Time is the best healing xx