This is reoccurring.

I feel I'm ugly. I feel I look not that attractive not the once least bit physically. I am working out a lot more to accomodate my stress on it. I am getting rid of everything I hate about my body on the outside. I'm only 160 male, and I am currently still losing weight. I was over weight, then under weight and underweight before that. I am going back to a normal weight, but I want muscles and it's coming out good so far. I love what exercise has done for me so far.

I hate how I look, I feel like my chizelled face is ugly to me, I think that's normal to hate how they look, but damn. I don't feel I don't measure up to someone else's expectations, because of the reactions I get or maybe I can't read people right.

I truly feel, that I maybe expecting too much out of another person. I don't know, I just get the feeling I'm so hated, or that I'm ugly. I know my insecurities all lie in the superficial and my pain is in the deep roots of people calling me ugly a lot or people passing me up all the time.

I tell myself I'm attractive to ease, but it makes me feel like I'm overexaggerating.

I hate my beard, I hate my hair, I look like a girl. I don't intentionally mean to, but I feel like it's not that looking like a female or feminine is a bad thing, but in my circumstances it's caused lots of problems. I don't understand.

I am stuck with who I am, I feel like every time I go out in public, I wish I could put a bag over my head. I just want to hide.

I think what's gotten me the most upset everyone is so superficial, I'm not what they want me to be on the outside, he's probably not a good person deep down assumptions. That's normal, but the fact it's happened to me so much more. The fact I act awkward or uncomfortable around females who flirt with me, because I don't think they are sincere with my looks. I think I maybe narcassistic. I don't know I'm so confused.

I just want to be a model, I want to be all I imagine myself, as someone objectified and desired, it sounds crazy, but I really want it. I'd kill to be what I'd imagine myself, I don't care what people would say about me. I want them to like me, I don't get it enough or ever. I mean even if it loses it's flare of being special, I don't care. I am so deprived, I feel that my self esteem doesn't rely on others, but damn can people try to be friendly or notice me. I be open honest and positive and happy and people are superficial dicks. Flat out if you look like a gorgeous person or guy with lots of body muscles, or a certain type of face, baby face whatever, or even have tats.

People like that make me mad and people who say they aren't like that, but actually are and lying about it to me expecting me to get all worked up. Really piss me off. It's not fun or hot, it's telling me to go **** myself you ugly mother ****er. Seriously it's what people treat me like.

I don't want to be near anyone, because if I'm not that good looking all the time or have anything they want to take from me I'm worthless.

It's why I can't stand anyone trying to come up with me, I feel everyone is fake to some degree and the people who are realistic are just my friends sometimes they think I still are in love with them or infatuated like before. I'm like no, "back the **** off. I'm not going to go on your knees and beg for you to notice me. Seriously I'm not something you showcase or use. I'm beyond hateful and angry and sad and hopeless, and feel heart broken because people only care about me in the most superficial way." Making friends for life is nearly impossible, I'm saying my friends for life are real they just moved far away and contacting them is near impossible. I'm alone hating myself, wishing I could leave here and be more like them...

I wish my parents knew or even cared about this, instead of saying, quit complaining you need to go to work and stay at a job. I am working my *** off, I go to work to avoid you mom and dad and all my friends.

When people try to start something with me, I told some guy who was getting all road rage with me while crossing the street, to "go watch yourself you mother ****er" I told him to "suck a ****!" "*****!" Because my patience is at zero so many damn years. I'm putting up with people's **** and all I want to do is shoot myself in the face and just go away.

It's that toxic relationships and people are cancerous and so many I can't let anyone in that long. When I suspect bs, I shut them out. This girl who is nice and is a friend of mine. I don't mind her being a friend, I appreciated her reaching out, but the fact she's trying to get close she won't.

I feel lied to, every girl who ends up being my friend does this to me that I almost had feelings for. She did or maybe still does for me, but it's bs when they pull my damn strings tell me how awesome and perfect I am. Ignore me for a long time, and shut me out when their best guy friend takes over their life and shuts me out like I'm a casual guy she doesn't know.

Seriously, NO ONE HAS A SOUL! I can't stress how much I want to die, because people are ****ing with me. I can't say or do so much to push them away they keep coming to me. Man, they don't truly appreciate me. That's it, that's why I want to kill myself. I don't feel in anyway valued or appreciated no matter how hard I tell myself. It's why I say I'm the ugliest person earth, I'm hideous, I need to starve myself, I need to dress right. I need to talk right, I need to make lots and lots of money, I need a car and house and everything to prove I'm worth something.

This is why I want to kill myself. No one wants me here, just to have me around them as an accessory I can't dissociate myself from this, because they are everywhere. I leave one group and end up in another, I go to from the hood to churches, to college parties, to social outings in a park for a 5k run, it's like no matter where I go. I can't leave these insane inhuman people.

What the **** is wrong with me? Am I so much of a problem? Am I too hard on myself? people don't give me a straight answer, because they don't have the balls to tell my face what they feel.

People get mad or annoyed I act the way I do, because I don't give a ****. I don't care if I hurt your feelings if it's going to help you it should, but if you hurt me. Why should I even bother trying to forgive you, I'll forgive you anyways and say it's not my problem, but why should I even bother being around anyone.

I get ignored 24/7 why can't I be famous, why can't I just have what I want. In the end, I'm seriously will kill myself when I can't do what I've wanted to achieve from my hard work. This **** is too much and people don't care they lost my credibility and I lost theirs, the world doesn't revolve around me they say all the time. I tell myself how horrible I am because it doesn't, and I have to lie to my heart, I'm not worth it, because my mother and father tell me to shut up stop complaining, my sister, my family, and everyone except my therapist tell me I shouldn't worry about what others think, but they are the ones constantly telling me how bad I am, always telling me I can't do enough, I gotta do this and that. You shouldn't be so mad, you should feel guilty for feeling..

Seriously, they'll never know why I would of died, or try to lose 150 lbs and try to be underweight. They never will have the patience or heart to stand being around me and actually want to give me encouragement for staying at my job, for caring about my daughter who was aborted and not wanting to leave her before finding out, the fact I never cheated even if I badly wanted to, the fact I put my effort into myself to be around my friends as happy as I can be, the fact I put so much effort to be perfect for myself that they don't see, the fact I got signed to a label, the fact I care about them and do my best to show it, the fact I am not in jail or fighting people or being immature.

No I don't get the recognition ever, I was raped by a predator different predators people call me the spawn of satan for the lack of understanding. Since I've not killed myself as a child, and I'm still alive still wanting to die feeling trapped by the people who say they care, but are my perpetrators.

There is no such thing as emotional neglect or abuse in their mind, it's grow the **** up and be a man and you need to not beat yourself up so much, because I'm beating you up so you don't have to.

Seriously I make these posts because I can't do it in the real world, I'm not allowed to my mom will call the cops if I say any of this. Everyone hates me enough from this, it's nothing I can do. I'm not sorry for myself, I just want to kill myself, because these people are crazy they believe so firmly something about me and it's admiring the effort they do, but it's how they do it. It feels like I'm being abused truly does, it feels my needs are less important than there and they have to dump all their **** on me like I'm a trash bin.

The fact people see it happen, and tell me to ****ing grow up and stop whining. You'll never know why one day, I'll just leave. I won't have a phone or be around people. One day I'll be invisible and when the fbi finds me from a lead they'll find a body hopefully, because I'm not going back to prison alive.

That's why I can't relate to anyone, I'm trapped behind mean, stupid people, who don't care about my feelings only theirs. I can't relate to anyone anywhere even on here. I am probably mentally ill, but I'm so desensitized emotionally a man died in front of my face at my work choking on his food and had a heart attack and my face was cheery like I'm about to make jokes and which I did, not knowing the severity. Deep down, I grieved for him, because he's suffered enough, and I hope I gave him some sanity and hope when I served him some food. This is what keeps me motivated. "I just want to help people, because the people who are helping me,
"suck" I want to go away from them. I'm cutting the umbilical chord and they can't stop me and being independent how I want to be, unless they call the cops to get their way."

Who I am referring to in the quotes is my parents. My "friends"are a whole nightmare I think I just explained to big to discuss.

Y.....

You are projecting. I don't know why, I am not a therapist.

And you can't be "desensitized" to people....if you were, you wouldn't think so badly of them, would you? You would feel nothing.

I understand the need to vent. You are entitled 100%. But there are very good people on these boards. We are not mean and stupid.

It's because of a lack of gratitude and love and constantly being ignored no matter who I go to and how hard. I want a quality relationship to happen, I take every avenue necessary even if I don't like it. Just to feel loved.

Desensitized, not by people, I should of clarified, by the way they put me in this lowly state when I tell myself I'm not like this. When I do hate myself and scream hateful things in order to vent. The pain I'm going through just to fill the quiet of the people who constantly ignore me.

I wish I wasn't so lonely, but I can't be anymore blunt as it appears to me. The whole situation hasn't changed. It has to be me, and I constantly tell myself it's me. I want to find an answer of why and fix this if it's myself or move somewhere else and feel like I am loved. Deep down, when my therapist tells me only I can love myself. It's deep and meaningful, it's probably me not accepting the truth I'm in a fantasy world, just to escape the harshness of that people don't like me. If they did they would want to be around me. I wish my mother is so proud of me, even if she says she is I can't understand why I can't accept it. I can't understand that side either.

I don't know, I've not had healthy relationships, because my early life is exposed on how true compassion and love come from people who perversely use you up till your dried and useless to them.

In the simplest form of all this madness, I wish someone was here to tell me they love me.

I get so mad, because I don't feel people love me. I'm so scared, and miserable. It's like looking from the outside in from a mirror they see what they only observe no matter what I say and from me vise versa. The is no room for actual growth, if I make a change they back off, if they make a move and change I back off.

My boundaries of people saying they love me and don't. I may have bpd, I don't know.

I just want someone to love me and show me they do. I don't mean like in romance, I want someone to really be involved in my life as someone as a best friend I've never had before. Something that isn't fake, more realistic, much more realistic, but currently is unattainable and has been all my life.

I don't know am I doing this right? Do I have to love myself am I doing it right? I don't know, is people being so harsh on me and expecting too much causing me to hate myself in my subconscious that it's going to be impossible for someone to love me when everyone is an asshole to me.

Every time it's a perception problem, or something that's has to deal within me, I beat myself up and tell myself I should of known no one's going to love me.
But if it's something wrong with them, I feel like a used piece of idk.

Is this what I am supposed to feel?

I'm used to being excited for casual relationships going every direction, I'm traumitized and at the same time filled with a rush of pleasure from the hell I'm going through.. It's like I need to feel this or else I'll kill myself and that the true peace and love that everyone is achieving is not going to be my dream come true. No matter how much success and money I get, because I wanted someone to love me when I needed them the most and they were never there and still aren't.

My pain is bad, many days, I just want to be a boy I used to be and die then. I don't want be old and I don't want to be a live, because I miss my mom who I remember who fought for me. I miss my dad who even though he didn't pay attention it seemed like everyone and everything was much more positive in my mind and people I looked for guidance, but they were the same people who weren't encouraging me or telling me how good I did. They always asked what's wrong and tell me how I should of done it better.

Like my rapist who beat me a lot and told me how worthless I am.

It's the fact, I wanted a girlfriend, and find out what my sexuality was if I'm bi or not. Which I know I'm bi, but I don't want any relationships with anyone because of this. I don't think I'll ever be in the position of happiness to draw them in what I'm expected to.

It's that fear of abandonment I've grown used to that feeling of that people really want to show you the ugliest sides of them, because they can't tell you what's wrong with them they want you to figure it out for yourself.

I didn't want to grow up to be a strong man, I wanted to be me. I don't want what people expect me to be, but that's the only phrase and idea that gives me hope.

I wish people really heard my story. I wish I wasn't told, "I'm sorry that happened, but that's in the past let it go." When I see everywhere people getting the satisfaction of justice served and that people care. I'm told to shut up..

I was raped... I was beaten all through out my childhood by people I called friends.. People I loved and wanted in my life . They were the men I looked up to, I dated girls who resembled that, but were more broken individuals deep down and satisfied me in the most pain I've wanted, because I was conditioned at a very early age. I'm not normal and that I've been doing this for years trying to get out, but my subconscious and body think I'm safer when people abuse me as a punching back or a sexual object.

This is pain people don't see about me, this is pain I wish people really knew. This is something I've tried to tell you. I'm not a cry baby and I'm worth something, but no they only care about shutting me up because I have to be strong. "No seriously **** you!" I am strong and you question my strength because you are uncomfortable and want to keep me quiet.

How come all these people have their cold cases reprimended and taken seriously by congressmen. I hear about these female rape cases that are horrifying for anyone to hear, but mine. No I didn't get that reaction, I got. You are a worthless human and you are a fag and you don't deserve love. Seriously by a town of people and my whole life people misunderstood me. I would rather die for what I know is right for me, than submit to this forever.

Can't anyone see this.

I wish my family and friends, believed me and stopped being so damn hard and mean to me. Because I was a raped as a guy by another male doesn't make it less serious if it was a girl.... or someone else with a similar disadvantage from their attacker.

It's hurt me what I can't believe what people are rationalizing has really hurt and blown my mind so badly. I really don't care what happens to everyone. I'm sorry and not sorry for feeling like this, but what am I supposed to feel. Grateful and happy everyone is kicking my *** to get my life together on their rational, they don't even talk to me. They don't see my progress they only see the mistakes in my life. Never my triumphs. My mother is insecure and won't see it. I'm blinded, by this mindset because I want someone to give me something I've never had.

I don't know, I'm just trying so hard to feel loved. It's so hard. I'm so desperate to feel what I need I'm never getting it from anyone. I only do it to myself as an antidote for the temporary and long term pain, but that's where someone else comes in and helps me boost my self esteem with my own efforts combined. I seriously need that someone here physically here with me. Not online or texting or in imagination. I want someone to hold on to a feeling I know I can touch and acknowledge they are here and they are not leaving me forever.

That's all I want.

They tell me they love me, they don't show it in their tough "love". It's just pushing me to the side and not getting any encouragement or being validated or recognized for my growth. It's just shut up and if you open mouth again I'm calling the cops, or beating you up, or going to leave you.

That's not tough love, that's seriously abuse. I don't what else to say.

I don't know why people don't see it. I know I'm projecting on here. It's what I scream with conversations with nothing expecting the feeling that hasn't come to come. That feeling I can relax and that something is happening for once from my pain and efforts of dealing with it as long as I did.

My sister tells me in a weird tone, "I'm surprised he is a live now as he is. I surely believe I'd grow up as an only child if my brother killed himself at 8 years old by hanging in a classroom or whatever means." The fact my sister remembers those feelings shown she cared, but it's how she said it in a sarcastic tone that wasn't meant to be funny came off very rude and insensitive intentionally. It's like people have used me as a some type of example of inner strength pedestal to prove how awesome they can achieve and inspire people on their own lives, because I inspired myself to keep my ticker moving even though I can't stand being alive and everyone knowing my hell I lived with like it's some fable from a past story time.

It feels so painful, that people objectify me like this and expect me to be grateful of them.

No you're just assholes.

I am very sorry that you're feeling like this. I don't know what else to say except I think that it's a good thing to realize that you're projecting.

Perhaps it would help you a little if you were to try to see the good in people, rather than viewing them as an embodiment of the negative things that you THINK you see in them.

We are not our actions, whether they are accurate or simply projected onto us. Including you. You are NOT only this person you portray, here. You are more than that.

I've talked to my therapist today and like she said, people I get close to no matter who always screw me over. I never get close and always alone because someone screws me in a big nasty way in some weird incident after another. Trauma on top of trauma like it's a regular thing, and I've only wanted a friendship to dissolve all of this a best friend that's so rare many people who have it don't realize how rare it is.

I only wanted a best friend who I new wont' leave me, she and i were talking about this. I've been so lonely more than ever, knowing everyone is drifting away like all adults and growing out of my shell of the groups who say they are my friends who really aren't and the people who are my friends for real, but don't talk to me or have time for me.

I only have those types of people to choose from, not one person who will be always here always knows me, if the person was a male we'd be like a gay couple or look like one, if it was a girl, we'd be considered married or dating like we are on honey moon phase, but we really aren't we like to mess around have fun and piss eachother off and we are inseperable. That's all I want before I die one person to fill that.

I don't care about anything else just that.