[uncle-d]

Hi all, just looking for someone to share my thoughts with. Maybe someone who has been through something similar?

I got with a girl at 16. She left me at 19 for someone else. We got back together a few months later. Stayed together until we were 24 and engaged. A month before the wedding she left me again for someone else. We got back together again a few months later. Since then we got married and now have a little boy 10 months old. When he was 2 months old I left her for another woman at work. Sub consciously maybe revenge? I don't know but I don't think so. I think it was a toxic relationship and my insecurity made me get back with her both times and I should have been stronger. I'm just so scared I will be alone forever.

So now my girlfriend I left my wife for told me she thinks she cant handle I have a son. She knew this from the start but has found it harder than she thought she would. I was shattered, broken. And as a result my confidence went through the floor, paranoia, jealousy, fear, insecurity have now made the situation worse and I'm driving her away. To be honest I think I've lost her now.

I have huge self esteem issues, and like I said fear I wont find anybody to share my life with. I'm a loving, kind person with a lot to give. But I'm 30, have a son with another woman, live at my parents through financial difficulty. The future seems bleak. I am so scared of losing my girlfriend. I'm needy, clingy. I will miss everything about her and feel like she is the one. I think we can be happy together but think I've blown it now. The connection we had, the intimacy, the shared interests, we were perfect. And I've sabotaged it with my mental state. The thought of her having what we have/had with someone else makes me feel physically sick.

Really struggling with my thoughts and emotions right now and see no end to it and a life of unhappiness.

I am feeling for you UNCL-D.

You have indicated having a son is problematic. Have you sat down with her to discuss why? Is it that it is distateful? Is it that she is fearful? Is it that she is younger and doesn't feel ready? It could be too that she is nervous about where she will fit in with the dynamics you have with your wife? Talk to her too about what she wants from the relationship and what she wants it to look like? So too let her know your own ideas about the future.

You two may very well come to an agreement on what your relatioship ought to be like.

Have you yet introduced the child into your relationship? This is really important.

Finally, this child should be the most important thing and come first in your life. If she can't accept that then I think you know the decision.

That may not be a bad thing. It doesn't sound like you've had much of a chance experiencing life on your own. In the long run this may be the best thing for you.

[uncle-d]

Thanks for the reply rcat.

Regarding my girlfriend. She has found it difficult to talk to me about it because i have gotten defensive and aggressive in the past when she tells me she finds it hard. As a dad i find it hard that my precious boy can evoke such feelings to someone. Its emotional naivity on my part i know that. I needed to be more sympathetic towards her feelings. I think we've now got to the point where its futile and despite me telling her there is no pressure on this and i will be more supportive she still doesnt completely open up to me.

We have spoken about a lot of things future-wise. we have both said we are 'the one', we want a family together including my boy. Marriage too. But this situation seems to have completely obliterated all that.

You are right. I dont know how to be on my own, its scary, ive never had to do it before. maybe if i can learn to love myself then any future relationships (or this current one if it survives) can work.

Its very raw at the moment and i am grieving for what i think i have already lost with her. Her touch, her kiss, her smell, her voice. I am pining for it and thinking that i will never get to hold her again, make love to her again. It really kills me.

I am finding it hard to get out of this cycle. Self-loathing, sefl-pitying, insecure, paranoid, dependant. Pretty much every negative thing a person can attribute to themselves. Im self aware to realise this, yet too weak to change it right now.

I am seeking professional help and maybe some sort of medication to raise me enough to just cope perhaps. Ive never been keen on the idea of medication, but im at a point where im willing to try anything

[Lost_in_the_woods]

As a former single parent years ago, I went thru something similar. Looking back, I know that my desire to not be alone clouded my better judgment. There are many ppl who I'm sure will love you and your son. You are a package deal. If someone says they want you but not your son... move on. They are not right for you and staying with them thinking in time they will warm up to your kid is only setting yourself up for further possible pain. Keep your head up and keep smiling... The right person for you is out there somewhere!

Okay, my next questions are about your level of independence within the relationship.

It is never healthy to be clingy and make another person 'your whole life." It is really important to still have a level of independence.

Are you able or do you feel free to go out at times on your own? What does having aquaintanceships outside the relationship look like? Similarly, do you encourage her to get out, socialize, and have activities of her own?

Even while being in a committed relationship it is good and healthy to have (appropriate) outside interests. BUT, the important thing though is that you two talk about these expectations and limitations.

What is NOT healthy is doing every single thing together, or one person sitting at home all the time while the other has a life.

[uncle-d]

Hi Lost, Thank you for your honesty, not want i want to hear right now but starting to feel like you are right and as difficult as it will be, calling it a day and moving on might be fr the best.

Havng said that, the intense feelings i have for her being the one are hard to stop. We are so good together and all the common interests, the little unique 'our' things we have (jokes, sayings etc) i feel like i will never get that again, especially with me having baggage. Feel like 'all the good ones are taken' and 'no one worthwhile will want me with a son'. Over critical and harsh maybe, but i find it hard to think otherwise (because of confidence and insecurity)

rcat, I find myself doing things i enjoy but getting no joy from them. there are things i like doing but get no satisfaction from them when im not with her. so its hard to break the cycle.

i am happier doing something i dont like or find boring with her, than doing something i love with mates. i dont know why though? its so destructive and demoralising

[uncle-d]

Still going through this really tough time and feeling no better right now. I have made steps though and start seeing a counsellor next week.

Feeling so low at the moment

[avlady]

i am sorry you feel so bad right now. i have a son who is 24 now but when he was 5 i left his dad, i thought no one would want me because of it. well i found a man who just loves me and my son to pieces, its been 20 years now. i hope you feel better about yourself and am sure therapy would work. good luck

[TerriLynn]

Uncle D, I am sure you already know this in your head, but not yet in your heart, but this goes much deeper than your girlfriend not being able to handle you having a son. This all might sound harsh, but I am not trying to be, just trying to show you what I see as an outsider, and it might help you to hear this from someone who is objective.

Your first relationship was never healthy to begin with, the back and forth leaving for another man showed plainly that she did not love you. Taking her back each time, marrying her and bringing a child into the world together, were not good decisions. You apparently already know that, but now have to make the best of it and make sure that your son does not suffer for it.

Your leaving your wife for another woman... I think what is happening here is that your insecurity and low self esteem is taking over your life and your decisions are being made based on those emotions rather than thinking with your head and heart.

It is very rare that a relationship that began based on lies and broken vows will make it. And that is what you have with your girlfriend. She watched you lie to the woman you were married to, can you be trusted to not do the same thing to her if you meet another woman. These are probably things she is thinking.

There are plenty of women out there who are willing and able to love and marry a man that has children, and this takes a strong woman who is willing to share you with a whole part of your life that was before her. I married a man with two boys from two previous marriages, and it isn't easy by any means! And I wasn't the other woman. She has to be willing to make a lot of sacrifices, and be very understanding and this is made even more difficult by her being the other woman. You and she put her in a very difficult position. She needs to consider very strongly if this is the best decision for herself and you need to consider if this is the best for you and for your son.

But the biggest thing here, is that it is VERY difficult to love someone who does not love and cherish themselves. I personally think it would be best for you to let the relationship go and work on yourself and get your life together. Once you are financially stable, have your own place, that will help you feel somewhat better about yourself, but also some therapy would be a good start to get yourself to a position where you can have a relationship that is healthy and honest.

[uncle-d]

Well, we have split up. It basically ended with her saying she needed time and left me. I've accused her of having someone else (evidence is high but not concrete). She has denied this and now we've ended on very bad blood. I don't think there is a chance we will ever get back together (mainly because i flipped out and told her i would never have her back anyway)

I'm absolutely heart broken, hurt, lost, lonely, devastated.

I feel like I will never find love again or someone as good as my now ex. All the usual post break-up feelings I guess but it still feels so real, raw, painful.

I suppose now i work on fixing myself and moving forward, as hard as that is and as bleak as it looks. Thanks for the support

[uncle-d]

Just wanted to add, the thing that hurts the most is i think that if i wasnt so insecure, clingy, needy, dependant, we could have been perfect together. I bring the blame on myself and feel that my problems have ended this. Its hard to take her off the pedestal by thinking about the negatives in the relationship because i feel like my state of mind and my actions caused all this. If only I wasnt the way i am, it could have been the best thing in my life

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by uncle-d

Just wanted to add, the thing that hurts the most is i think that if i wasnt so insecure, clingy, needy, dependant, we could have been perfect together. I bring the blame on myself and feel that my problems have ended this. Its hard to take her off the pedestal by thinking about the negatives in the relationship because i feel like my state of mind and my actions caused all this. If only I wasnt the way i am, it could have been the best thing in my life

That word should be stricken from the English language. No one and nothing on this earth is perfect. It appears you have invested your entire self-worth in how well or how poorly your love relationship is (or was) going.

What else do you have going for yourself? If you want to model healthy manly behavior for your son, explain what you have here to your counselor and keep working at developing a healthy, more-well-rounded life..