[TishaBuv]

I don't even know where to post this. Here we go again, I am getting myself worked up on my way to my next tantrum attack. I don't know if I have BPD or just a lousy marriage.

Sunday, I initiated sex with husband and he didn't 'reciprocate'.
Monday, we got a new bed which means a lot because we have had sexual problems our whole marriage and partly blamed the bed. He just gives me a good night peck on the lips and goes to sleep.
It's Tuesday morning, I am getting worked up.
So, how do I deal with this constructively? I am going to try to keep my mouth shut and not complain to him. I am going to have to patiently wait for him to initiate sex, which he will do come the weekend. Because that is what he thinks the plan it. He doesn't even think I am wanting or expecting sex. He wouldnn't even dream of initiating it. He is so passive and lacks any personality, he waits for orders from me. I don't even want to have sex with this man. I just hate having to be stuck with another human being to cooperate with me in my sexuality, who I don't even click with. It's like being constipated. Could you imagine needing to make a BM but being dependent on another person to tell you when to go?

[divine1966]

How much sex do you think would be sufficient? I wouldn't have sex on weekdays at all as I am too tired. Who has the energy?
Sure at 30 but I at 50 I just cannot.

Honestly having sex just on a weekend doesn't sound bad at all as we are getting older . Frankly my fiancée wants sex pretty much every day no matter how tired he is, but he realizes it's just not going to happen. We do other expression of affection in between. So he is fine.

You had sex on Sunday and want it again on Monday. And you are upset about it. Could it be you are using sex to substitute for something else. The only time I wanted sex all the time was in a bad relationship to substitute for lack of emotional connection

Do you really need that much sex?

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[TishaBuv]

The sex on Sunday was unsatisfying for me. I want the sex to be an expression of joy and I want it to be satisfying. He knows I wasn't satisfied Sunday. We didn't say anything about it. But, I have certainly let him know enough that if that happens, I want him to satisfy me shortly thereafter. And since we got the new bed, I wanted him to act like 'let's break it in' and satisfy me. I want him to be somebody that he is not. I feel so ugly and unloved because of this. I am sitting here crying in the parking lot now before I go into a class. I've already reached out to someone in hopes they will get me pot. I want to just get high by myself and try to cope with it that way. My friend was at work and I probably won't even ask him by the time he calls me back. I'll make up some other excuse for having called him. I'm not supposed to smoke pot because of my job. I feel so disconnected from my h. He doesn't get me. He never will. No matter what I say or do, I will not get what I want. I am trapped in a living hell of my own making. I don't want to be married to him. I don't want to be divorced from him. I just want to run away, but I can't. I hate this life, and I shouldn't because I have so much. He doesn't even care what I do. I could cheat on him and screw anybody I want, but I won't. I am honorable. I am trapped. I am miserable.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry. I know feelings of powerlessness (not sex related, more related to living with someone with addiction), at some point it just downs on you that you cannot change the other person. You ( hypothetical you) can either accept what is or leave.

I don't recommend you smoke pot. What does your t say?



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Perhaps try to consider what is going on in his life. Is work an issue? How much is going on in his life - is he simply tired? Is there a medical problem? Does he have depression or a poor sense of self-worth? What is the evidence that he doesnt want to have relations? And finally how healthy was your sex life before your comittment?

[Artchic528]

Leave that good for nothing loser. Never use pot as a means to fix a broken relationship.

[kamikazebaby]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I feel so ugly and unloved because of this. I am sitting here crying in the parking lot now before I go into a class.

This will break you down in all sorts of ways and take years to recover from, so the sooner you bite the bullet, the better. It will eventually get to the point that you have no other choice, but the price of staying will only continue to get higher and higher every day.

I agree with this. While I previously posted about his difficulties I neglected to acknowledge yours. I guess the message I was wanting to provide was that this isn't your problem it's his. Look instead to the evidence that there is nothing wrong with you that on the contrary you are a beautiful worthwhile person.

[divine1966]

Are you afraid to be divorced? Financially depend on him? But you work and probably will qualify for alimony. You can manage. I see no need to stay in marriage that is that difficult

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[amandalouise]

heres an idea that a couples therapist told my now wife when we were having a problem where I was not reciprocating my loved ones advances....

not everyone is "ready and wanting" at the same time. sometimes sex and hormones are controlled by many things...stress, past problems, medications, physical health issues, mental health issues, pressure to perform on demand.. even a persons diet (yes there are such a thing as some foods turn a persons hormones on or off).

that its ok for one to not want the other when one is "ready and wanting" thats why as human beings we have the capacity do things for our selves. to think back to before there was a couple and think about how you full filled being "ready and wanting"

there are many great books out there that teach a person must first know how to take care of their self and their own needs before taking on or having someone else "fix" those needs and desires.

my now wife learned its ok to go take a very long shower or bath and learn how to satisfy those needs when she was "ready and wanting" at times when I wasnt. I also had to learn that when my now wife turns to her how ways of satisfying her needs as those "ready and wanting" times happen is no reflection upon me and whether our relationship is going bad. and vice vera..its just natural for humans to do things for their self.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment provider or a treatment provider in your location, they will explain and help you to learn what you need to know about how your loved one is different from you and their "ready and wanting" may be affected by many things and how you can take care of business when your love doesnt want it as much, or when and how you do. they can also work with you on setting boundaries for when you are not "ready and willing"

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

heres an idea that a couples therapist told my now wife when we were having a problem where I was not reciprocating my loved ones advances....

not everyone is "ready and wanting" at the same time. sometimes sex and hormones are controlled by many things...stress, past problems, medications, physical health issues, mental health issues, pressure to perform on demand.. even a persons diet (yes there are such a thing as some foods turn a persons hormones on or off).

that its ok for one to not want the other when one is "ready and wanting" thats why as human beings we have the capacity do things for our selves. to think back to before there was a couple and think about how you full filled being "ready and wanting"

there are many great books out there that teach a person must first know how to take care of their self and their own needs before taking on or having someone else "fix" those needs and desires.

my now wife learned its ok to go take a very long shower or bath and learn how to satisfy those needs when she was "ready and wanting" at times when I wasnt. I also had to learn that when my now wife turns to her how ways of satisfying her needs as those "ready and wanting" times happen is no reflection upon me and whether our relationship is going bad. and vice vera..its just natural for humans to do things for their self.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment provider or a treatment provider in your location, they will explain and help you to learn what you need to know about how your loved one is different from you and their "ready and wanting" may be affected by many things and how you can take care of business when your love doesnt want it as much, or when and how you do. they can also work with you on setting boundaries for when you are not "ready and willing"

I know how to masturbate, and have many times while he was at work-- it felt lonely and made me angry and cry. I crave a man who will know me, 'get' me, be my lover. I am by no means a nympho. I want sex once or twice a week. If he and I negotiated that arrangement, like you did, I would not be ok with it. You have a lower sex drive than your wife. If she's ok with that and pleasing herself, fine. I am not. I mean, once in a while, sure. But, not as a regular thing.

I need a man who has a sex drive. Period. Non-negotiable.

I would rather have no man and please myself, than have it otherwise.

If he has a slightly high sex drive than me, I would keep up with him. If he had an insatiable drive, that would be another issue.

I feel that a committed sexual relationship means you take care of each other's sexual needs. It should just be easy.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Leave that good for nothing loser. Never use pot as a means to fix a broken relationship.

If he was good for nothing, it would've been easy to leave.

I didn't talk to the friend with the pot, and you are right. I'm glad I didn't do it.

I tried to cope with this in a better way, but I just can't. I was self destructive once again, because he presses my buttons. He won't let up. He triggers me.

I said horrible things to him. Unforgivable things that you can't take back. I thought that would be the end.

But this morning he tries to make peace and still wants to stay together. I told him I don't have any respect for him for still wanting me after what I said.

I spent the day with my mother. We're all numb from all this back and forth drama that's been going on with me for the whole marriage.

Everyone, m family, my friends, agree that I do not have a MI. It's my relationship with him that is just bad and incompatible, and has driven me crazy.

I guess I should be posting in the Abuse section. That's what this is. It's an abusive, toxic relationship. . I am so sorry.

[divine1966]

Is there more here then him refusing frequent sex or not initiating it? Is there something else?

I
recall you shared he never buys gifts or acknowledges holidays etc is that still an issue? I think it has to be more than just not having sex twice or once a week. Your sex drive seems incompatible but I am not sure it's abuse? Have you talked to your t? I don't know if you have MI or not but your reaction is very intense.

Are there any enjoyable aspects like enjoying time together or travel or having fun together? Do you do anything together? Are you good friends?

Taking care of each other sexual needs all the time just isn't always doable or realistic. People can't perform on demand especially if they get older

. I personally work two jobs. My moms cancer came back and spread to other organs and we are dealing with testing this week etc sex is the last thing on my mind. If having sex twice a week, because I need to meet his needs, was a requirement I would reconsider marrying my fiancé .

Did your sex drive get any less with age?

Is this really about sex or us it about not being heard or valued?

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[TishaBuv]

I guess it's about not being able to handle rejection. You are right, Divine, it's about much more.

[TishaBuv]

Now I'm drunk on vodka and didn't eat anything today except a can of tuna at lunch. He won't leave. Since he wouldn't go, I told him to make our son dinner and I locked myself in my room. I can't even swallow from the stress. Since I ran out of pills, I broke into the vodka. One big shot and I'm good for now. I am going to have to stay drunk in order to cope here. He knows this. He is causing this because he won't leave. He thinks I will give in, like I always do, in a few days. He always gets his way.

Of course this man doesn't love me. Look how he lies just enough to get me back and then torments me. I am too weak to go. My low self esteem keeps me subservient. Yes, I am very angry and hysterical, but he doesn't really care.

I'm thinking about calling someone to help me. A crisis center?

Wouldn't it be something if I walked into a women's shelter? They'd say ' lady, go rent yourself an apartment!' Is there such a person who helps people who can't help themselves get themselves out of dangerous situations?

When I was trying to divorce him in 2013, the psychiatrist said he thought it sounded like a very sound and logical idea. I gave a lawyer a HUGE retainer, then I backed down. I still have that lawyer to use and I spoke to him recently. He's standing by.

At that time, well... I was getting support from and encouraging a relationship with a man that was the one I have mentioned on here on other threads that I had to have a restraining order on.

[TishaBuv]

Divine--
"Are there any enjoyable aspects like enjoying time together or travel or having fun together? Do you do anything together? Are you good friends?"

Would you believe we just came back from Cancun? We had a very good time together with two of our sons. We had a lot of physical activity at the Xcaret water park there. I came back feeling great.

Then Monday I was feeling down. It was after Father's Day. I had done everything nice for him, but as soon as we came home he stopped being a lover to me. And then yesterday was Tuesday, where I cracked up because he gave me 'the peck'.

[TishaBuv]

Not to mention the Father's Day experience was crazy. It's hard to go into, but our parents are works of art, let me tell you. My h chose the restaurant, which triggered his father, a WWII decorated veteran who is nearly 100 years old to start reliving his bombing the Nazi's. And my mother immediately became adversarial with the waitress, who was dressed like St. Pauli Girl, and gave my mom attitude (you do not do that to The Queen!). Today she said she was sure the girl spit in her food. My son called the dinner Inglorious Bastards, the dinner.

[amandalouise]

ok Im confused. you try and divorce him in the past and now you want him to leave but yet you keep trying to initiate having sex with him...

Im wondering if he is as confused as I am.. maybe this is why he doesnt return your advances... because he knows you really want a divorce and may not actually love him....

there is a difference between lust (sex for the joy of sex, sex because of attraction, sex because of maybe if I have sex that will fix everything..) vs love ( deep caring, want nothing but the best for someone, fondness for someone, tenderness, warmth, not all about sex, its about hand holding, cuddling, doing things together and enjoying doing so, wanting to be close to that person, not run away from them, not push them away.)

my suggestion is think about how you really feel about him and then show him, not by pushing him away and locking yourself in your room and get drunk. maybe you can find a way to really show him you love him in non sexual ways. you know the ways you showed him you love him when you first met, when you were dating when you first realized you loved him. those kinds of things.

maybe once the double messages (I love you,get out now) gets cleared up for you things will be clearer for him and then maybe that will carry over to your sex life.....just a suggestion to think about.

[divine1966]

You don't seem to lose sense of humor no matter what's happening. What does your husband say about all this? Is he blaming you? Does he think you are unreasonable?

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[TishaBuv]

What MI runs the gamut from all the loving feelings and actions AmandaLouise described to the fight/flight, must end it for my health, hate him for failing us, not sure about loving feelings?

That's what I feel!

These mood swings go from one end of the spectrum to the other maybe several times a day!

You're right, Divine, I don't lose my sense of humor. I keep my wits about me. I am able to go from zero to crazy.

For example, I had to see a customer last night just after dinner. Even with the swollen eyes, I acted like all was well and did business. Then I walk back in the house and instantly that anxiety comes over me because he's there and isn't leaving.

That's when I went into the room and took the shot of vodka.

But he came in the room and started up with me that he was going to sleep in our bed instead of at least going into the other room and just staying away from me.

He says that I can sleep in the bed with him.

This isn't a battle that I set up alone. It takes two. It's a battle for control. It's so stupid that no reasonable person can even understand it. That's why nobody can grasp this on here as I explain it. It is so stupid.

Ok. I want my husband to act like I want him to act. In this last case, it was to have initiated sex with me on Monday in our new bed. Why? Sunday, I initiated and it was only he who came. The new bed was a symbol of a new start and getting this battle fixed. We had come home from a good trip, where he initiated sex and he needed to keep that momentum going.

Now I am not naturally this rigid a person. Keep in mind that this dysfunctional way we have been living began 20 years ago with his neglect of me, miscommunication , misunderstandings. We have had countless discussions over what I want vs. what he wants. So he knows my thinking and 'with a gun to his head' in threat of imminent divorce, he has promised time and time again to act on this.

I have demanded 'give me what I want, make it consistent, and we will heal'. To which he has agreed and swore he would do.

Again-- I am not this rigid a person. This is 20 years dysfunction.

Why on vacation is my h able to perform, but as soon as we are home he is not? Why is his memory selective?

Doesn't this sound like the worst way of living to you, dear reader? It does to me, too. This has been a living hell. This never should have even been an issue. Again, it is not me alone in this. It is us two idiots.

[TishaBuv]

So this is how my 'attacks' got programmed.

We set up that I am waiting for him to give me what I want. What that is, is for him to show his love in a way that makes me feel loved.

I have narrowed it down and verbalized it, as I described above. Believe me, he knows exactly what I am wanting him to do.

If he doesn't do it, I go ballistic. I have emotional tantrums so bad I call them 'attacks'. They really are attacks. It comes over me like I've described in real time, while they were happening on here.

Yet still, knowing what his inaction causes, he won't deliver.

It's gas lighting.

[TishaBuv]

I woke up now to the creatures of the night singing so loud. My neighbor seriously thinks the block is haunted. My sister thinks so, too. I can't help but wonder if that is the cause for all our misery.

The neighbor has had a suspicious amount of problems and health issues in her entire family.

[Artchic528]

If he won't deliver, leave him.

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[Hairball]

Have u two been to counselling? Has he changed quite a bit since you married him?

Think back and tell us why you married him in the first place u must have seen something u liked.

Have u thought of spicing it up in the bedroom? a little romanticism?

Have u read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray? This book really opened by eyes to the differences we had when I was married.

You mentioned you thought maybe you had BPD. Have you asked a therapist about this?