I have come "home" after staying abroad for more than 7 years, because I couldn't find a job, but more importantly because I was feeling very low and lonely. I deferred my coming back for a number of months, because I was afraid to be put in a situation where I have little to no control over my life and my choices. I know how life is here, but I was hoping naively for something different. I live in my parents' home, and I am more lonely than I have ever been. My mother from day one and she bosses me around. She thinks I am still a 3 year old child who follows order and yelling. She has no respect for me whatsoever. I regret the moment I decided to go home. I sold all my stuff abroad and cancelled my medical insurance to come home.

I think my main reason for coming home was that to find someone and get married and then leave again because I was so alone and lonely abroad, but now I am wondering if this is the right reason to get married, because I don't want to drag someone in my life while I am so low and socially inept. My life is so cold and dark at the moment. I also don't have the energy to engage socially with people. Because of how things are done here, I don't have to be sociable with and impress one person, but I have to do so for her entire family. So, you have to visit her in her parents' home and talk to her parents, to her brothers and sisters, ... etc. I don't think I can do that.

I wish I didn't come home and stayed abroad. At least I would have my personal freedom. Now I feel alone, lonely, not free, and probably won't get married. I want to leave home as soon as possible, but now I have to find a new apartment, to place new furniture, and buy things ... etc to prepare the apartment. The idea of doing all of this is so depressing for me to leave now. I lived in my apartment abroad for 5 years, and it was very nice and in a quiet neighborhood. I cried when I left it because it felt like home to me.

All these thoughts make me feel helpless and hopeless.

I am sorry you are feeling this way after moving back home Mr.S.

It is usually hard for any adult to return to their parents home, I have seen this before. The old parent-child dynamic can appear, and for an adult used to running their own life this can be very stressful.

I would normally encourage you to talk to your parents about how you are feeling, to gently let them know that you are not a child now but an adult who until recently ran his own life and coped independently. But from your previous posts I am not sure this would be helpful for you, your parents do seen to have very 'fixed' ideas.

Please don't dismiss the idea of marriage/partnership, now may be not a good time to bring someone into your life but how about you make your well-being a priority right now so you will be ready for that move in future?

I really hope you can make your own well-being a priority at this stressful time. You are going through a big period of change and that will take some adjustment. Take it gently and give yourself time and space to consider and plan.

[Ljj7000]

I'm sorry to hear about this. I've been feeling white lonely for a while myself.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I am sorry you are feeling this way after moving back home Mr.S.

It is usually hard for any adult to return to their parents home, I have seen this before. The old parent-child dynamic can appear, and for an adult used to running their own life this can be very stressful.

I would normally encourage you to talk to your parents about how you are feeling, to gently let them know that you are not a child now but an adult who until recently ran his own life and coped independently. But from your previous posts I am not sure this would be helpful for you, your parents do seen to have very 'fixed' ideas.

Please don't dismiss the idea of marriage/partnership, now may be not a good time to bring someone into your life but how about you make your well-being a priority right now so you will be ready for that move in future?

I really hope you can make your own well-being a priority at this stressful time. You are going through a big period of change and that will take some adjustment. Take it gently and give yourself time and space to consider and plan.

Talking to them is useless, especially with my mother. She is very aggressive, and if I make any remark, no matter how polite and gentle it is, she will take negatively and become even more aggressive and mad. I am avoiding them most of time. I don't sit with them. For God's sake, I cannot even eat what I want and when I want without confrontation. Abroad I ate whatever I decided whenever I felt hungry.

I agree with you about marriage, and that's why I am not encouraged to make that move now, although at my age, people normally would have been married for at least 6 years now. I am the only one among my all school peers who isn't married in my town. I feel the pressure but I am not thinking to make that move right now. At the same time, I am not hopeful for any change any time soon. So, I am not sure how to get out of this dilemma. I mean do I need to change first before getting married and will that ever happen, or getting married and having responsibility could bring change? I don't know

It could be a bit of both. Maybe you need to get your life into a certain order before you can make that move, to give any relationship a chance to flourish. But 'change' might be small at first, baby steps rather than a big jump, and just a bit better might be a good goal to aim for.

You seem overwhelmed with the situation at the moment (which is understandable) so breaking 'change' into small steps seems wise.

[newday2020]

I wonder if you might maybe rent a small place for yourself away from the family.
You could take your time and take care of yourself.
I "went home" after a divorce and it was the same ****
Are the working conditions any better there?
If you can afford it you dont have to be in a hurry.
Take small steps to get some good things.

I came home as a break. I am going back to where I was. I thought I would feel better home, but I was wrong. I already feel bad after just a short time of being here. I used to be independent, now I feel like a child again. Renting a place would be perfect for me, but this is against the tradition here. Besides it won't be long. I wasn't sure if I was going back, I thought if things were good and I felt better I was open to the possibility of staying, but now I am so sure, and this time I will leave and won't return. I prefer to be alone and lonely and to be in control of my life than to be with people and lonely and not respected and have no control over my life and decisions. My parents succeeded in guilt tripping me back, but never again. It is better for me and for them to stay away from each others. Now I have to start over abroad, which is so overwhelming for me. It was a mistake coming back and I regret it.

[newday2020]

well you tried and found out it was the same way it was back there.
So you know you don't want to "go back."
Some things don't change (like parents).

You'll find your way....you don't have to hurry.

[avlady]

take it one day at a time and take it as it comes-i know it sounds old fashioned but it rings true for everyone

[newday2020]

Mr. Stranger I see there's alot of people who like you here. Me too

Originally Posted by susanemily

Mr. Stranger I see there's alot of people who like you here. Me too

Thanks

I don't think any learning experience is a "mistake"....

You have to try things or you never know. Now you know that you can't move back home and that's a valuable lesson. Probably most of us tried it at some point.

It also means that being away changed you....you grew as a person.

[MessyD]

Wow, makes me feels sad that her going through that. I've been abroad for 12 years and I've been playing with a thought of going back but it just seems really hard to make that kind of decision, so I do admire you for doing that, because I know it's really hard to leave everything. I hope it works out for you eventually, maybe once you settle and get your own freedom, it will be hard at the beginning but if you already went that far , I think you get do it

[HeatherMercado]

I feel very lonely nowadays after loosing my sister in the vehicle accident.

I was feeling bad for my parents because they made me feel bad, but to be honest, and after living with them, they deserve to be alone and be sad. Now I won't regret being abroad if they even die alone, to be honest.

I don't have to follow their wishes, and be sad and not free for them. I told them from abroad that I don't want to come home because I don't want to be put in social and traditional chains, and my father assured me no one would interfere with my choices and decisions, but he wasn't honest with me. Now he wants me to do things I don't want to do, even things related to my look. I am used to certain things, but he thinks I have, for example, to dress formally, which is something I don't do. He still thinks the world is the same as it was in the eighties, and nineties. I don't do these things.

I was really stupid by coming home. I should have established myself abroad first and then came for a visit, so that I have the capabilities to go back. Now I feel things will be more complicated like finding a job abroad from where I am now, and finding an apartment abroad, ... etc. What was I thinking?

Of course I don't want and I won't comply, but the idea of keep telling me what to do and not to do is so annoying and disrespectful. I really hate how they think we are just just puppets in their hands. As someone said before, everything revolves around the elderly in my tradition. I would get little respect compared to someone who is older even if he is illiterate and talking nonsense in the same social setting. They would tell me it is a shame to speak in the presence of older people. That is how we are treated.

I feel bad for the females in my culture, but it seems they have bought the common narrative, and they live it. I hope they will wake up and defend their rights someday, although nowadays they go to the university and work outside the home. But still the culture is (elderly) male-dominant. It is so messed up.

Reading your recent posts I can better understand the loneliness you describe. It sounds like it is in good part a cultural disconnection, the culture with which you grew up with and shaped you no longer fits your life.

You had bags of courage making your own way in another country - not sure many people could do that myself included. I can see it can't have been easy for you.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Reading your recent posts I can better understand the loneliness you describe. It sounds like it is in good part a cultural disconnection, the culture with which you grew up with and shaped you no longer fits your life.

You had bags of courage making your own way in another country - not sure many people could do that myself included. I can see it can't have been easy for you.

I think you are right. I have grown in my thinking in a way that no longer fits my culture, but at the same time, I cannot live somewhere else as a normal person since I am a foreigner and a stranger anywhere else. This means that I don't completely fit anywhere. I have to compromise in this case, and I think I am better fit in where I was. I suffered and sacrificed a lot abroad, but after this visit I will try to find a way to live a stable life abroad at any cost. That's why I was thinking to get married and go back to where I was, because I would have someone who is close to me, but at the same time I (and she) would have the freedom to shape our lives as we desire.