I feel like I lost everyone in my life

I don't know what to say. I think I lost everyone in my life. There weren't many, but it was hard finding them in the first place. But slowly, they all disappeared. Now I'm alone again. It's my fault. Keeping in touch with people is agonizing for me.

Friends and family aren't the answer, I realize. I end up just as alone as I was before. I feel really empty right now.

I think I'll have to go back to my old way of living. Thinking about it feels like a mixture of relief and deep sadness, like mourning.

I remember how I used to live. I was like a wild fox. I would walk among people, but I'd shyly avoid them. I'd work among them, but do the bare-minimum conversing and socializing that I needed to. I'd spend all of my free-time alone. People hanging out with friends was a mystery to me. I suppose it still is now, but to a lesser extent. If I was invited over, I'd keep my distance but try to be entertaining all the same, then would tuck my tail in and run back home in a hurry, very drained from putting on the constant act. It wasn't always enjoyable, but I did enjoy the moments of being around people and the life I felt.

I don't know what's worse, being alone or being around a bunch of self centered phonies.
I always felt that if you don't like people then you haven't met the right ones yet.
Learning how to live with oneself is a hard thing to do. I do believe we are social animals
to begin with. BUT , there is something to be said for being able to enjoy ones own company without the distractions. Hang in there. I think people who can be happy alone , and not in the selfish sense , of not caring , can come to understand and feel life more intensely than the robotic societal creature.
Maybe those you lost weren't worth having around to begin with ?

We're here for you, if you need us.

I'm sorry you feel that way. Did something happen that made you feel you had no one? You always have us to turn to whenever you leave. I hope things start looking up for you soon. I'm here if you need to talk or vent. Best wishes.

Breezy, you describe this feeling beautifully, you have a wonderful way with words. I have felt this too, but I could never express it as well as you.

I have good and bad days, when I do manage to socialise at any level I inwardly praise myself. Be kind to yourself, none of us are perfect and you are trying your best.

Quote: "If you would find gold,you must look where gold is."

Thanks so much. You all are really sweet. I don't feel like I deserve the support I got here, though. I think the reason I have trouble making connections is my fault, after all.

I think what I really wanted was to feel loved. Growing up, I always had this promise to myself that I'd feel loved and appreciated someday, and to just keep holding out until then. Well, I'm all grown up, and I don't think that promise is going to happen anymore. So, I don't know where to find happiness anymore. Not to mention that my life's a mess and that I suffer from depression pretty chronically.

I've pushed myself to act like a normal person, and thought the life and love I wanted would eventually come to me, but it doesn't seem like it. I wonder if a good life for me would be living in the middle of nowhere and not having anyone around.

Not to mention that I feel like I'm wasting away feeling sorry for myself all the time. I just feel unwanted and like a burden to everyone around me. I can barely do anything these days without my feelings overcoming me and having to stop almost immediately. This is no way for anyone to live. I wish I wasn't born. My poor family might've never broken up with me gone, and my family didn't like me very much. I was the kid everyone ignored. I was destined to become a loser from the start, it feels like.

Breezy sometimes I have phases where I need my 'down time' my alone time, I think many of us do and that is okay. Some of us don't need as much social time as others and need to recharge.

But if you are isolating because you feel you are unwanted and a burden then that is worrisome. You may be feeling like this because you grew up with emotional neglect in your childhood - that wasn't your fault. If your emotional needs weren't met early on in life then that may well have set a pattern, that you never learned a healthy way of getting your needs met because no one showed you. I'm not a T, and I am just giving you my observations from your post, have you discussed this with a T? It's something they could help you explore.

How you feel now is important, it is telling you how you need to get help and address those needs which may have been neglected.

You do deserve the replies/support you got - we are always here for you.

Breezy~Day-
You matter. I am so sorry you are feeling so worthles and depressed. It is good you are posting about it here.
Have you tried therapy? Perhaps that would be helpful. Sometimes focussing on spiritual things can help as well. I suggest visiting the library and checking out self help books. Titles such as The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Power of Now, Rich Dad Poor Dad, As a Man Thinketh, The Power of Positive Thinking, and What to Say When You Talk to Yourself. There may be books on how to deal with childhood emotional neglect as well. Knowledge is power. Also, don't forget to exercise, enjoy some sunshine and "stop to smell the roses"--it will help you with your depression.

Hi Breezy~Day

I am sorry you feel like you lost everyone in your life. I hear you. My ex said to me the other day that I was going to end up alone because no one likes me, the kids love me but they don't like me. I am fifty three, I have a boyfriend who likes me. My cat likes me and he is 20 pounds, his brother is on the fence. Do I like me? Does God like me? Mostly I am sure that I like McDonalds flurries. Hopefully, I will add to my repertoire. I think I am mostly just really pissed off. I wanted to be a good mom, a wise lady. I was feeling so balanced for a while and everyone I know was taking pot shots at me to get me to fall. I think I am back to me, after the shock has worn off that my husband walked away two years ago and magically found someone to go to Las Vegas with after being single a month. It was just me in the lounge and then I found you on my computer. Thank you, for a moment it was me and you. A moment is really nice, you touched my heart.

Hello Breezy, I am sorry you are feeling alone, isolated and powerless over your life. I hear you. I have very similar circumstances to what you have described.

I have had some therapy and done a lot of self-reflection this year and I have learned a lot. I have severe social anxiety, which is exactly what you seem to be describing as well.

For me, the cause of that anxiety was the emotional neglect I was treated with all my life by my parents. Just as Prefabsprout said, and to elaborate a bit more, what we learn in childhood is what we repeat for the rest of our lives - while that is all we know. Our templates/patterns of relating with others also applies to relating to our Selves. As a child, if we didn't receive the clear consistent messages that we are worthy of unconditional love as we should have, then we assume the opposite and come to believe that we are unworthy and end up becoming fearful. I, like you, am fearful (and thus severely anxious) of other people but have learned there are reasons for this. Reasons that can be addressed through hard work on ourselves. We now need to fill ourselves up, so we are no longer empty inside, and give ourselves the unconditional love we never received, to 'see' ourselves instead of seeking to feel 'seen' by others, to believe in our own worthiness.

Google: Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb.
Read a blog post of hers and see if it resonates with you. Her book is really good, made sense of my lifelong struggles and now I have sought therapy to help with the aftermath of the neglect.

Hope this helps. Nice to meet you on here.

All the best x

prefabsprout, thank you. I did start seeing a therapist, but it didn't turn out very well, and I saw them for over half a year. I'll keep trying. I didn't think about emotional neglect. My therapist did say that my problems stem from my childhood, and I wasn't surprised, but to be honest, I suppose I don't really understand what that means or how it works. I think I'll try with another therapist and do some research on that.

Hopingtrying, thanks so much. I'll have a look at those books. I think seeing life in a more spiritual way could help.

Curry, thank you very much. I'm really glad the post helped you that way. Makes me feel better.

That sounds extremely harsh, telling someone that no one likes them. Not a good way to handle a separation, if I might speak my mind on that. Especially since he was the one who chose to marry you! The Las Vegas person sounded like a rebound to calm his hurt, I'd assume. Even if you separated, and it's obvious it was for the better, I'm sure he was going through a grieving process as well, and was not used to being alone. Seems like a lot of people take out their hurt on their exes after a separation. It's sad; I do wish people would break up peacefully, knowing it was for the best, and wishing the best for the other's future. I'm glad you have a boyfriend who likes you now.

I'm glad you're back to you, now. It can be hard keeping your chin up sometimes, and you forget what it's like to be happy until you get to your old self again. Well, at least for me.

I do like Wendy's shakes... I do have 2 cats that like me, especially my chubby furball of a cat who loves to be pet. I suppose when I'm the most down, I like to laugh and listen to music. It takes my mind off what's going on.

Jess2217, nice to meet you. Thanks for all the info! I'm glad you've been making progress with yourself.

I do think I should read about childhood emotional neglect. Thanks for the suggestions. I do have a lot of trouble with the areas you mentioned that you have.

I've been trying therapy, but so far it hasn't worked for me, and I haven't been diagnosed with anything. My whole family has anxiety, and many have depression and other diagnoses, so I wouldn't be surprised if I have it as well. I brought up getting a diagnosis with my last therapist, but they were very anxious about even starting the process and ignored it. I wonder if being diagnosed would make things better or worse for me, as my therapist mentioned social stigma, and seemed to hope that I'd overcome my problems without a diagnosis. Maybe he was right? I'm not sure. Now, my drive to get diagnosed has disappeared.

I have to admit, these posts have really helped me. Thank you all.

I'm glad to read you get happiness from your cats and music, I enjoy escaping with music too.

Diagnosis is something that some people find helpful and some don't (social stigma and 'labelling' as your T described), it seems many T's are cautious about diagnosing too quickly and have to say I agree with caution as misdiagnosis can be something that is harmful, best to be very cautious IMO.

Childhood emotional neglect can happen when parents are caring but wrapped up in their own problems (such as their own MH issues) so not really 'present' for the child. Not to say that definitely did happen to you but it might be something that resonates if you read up on it.

I am so glad to read these posts helped you!

I too lament the years lost and opportunities squandered. Time has seemed to stand still for me, years & years of wading through bouts of debilitating depression, coupled with my fear and dread of the world.

Mental illness bought on by an accident of birth, trauma, environment, faulty brain chemistry or associated illness/circumstances… is for all of us a heavy cross to bear, and is almost always exacerbated by those around us who perpetually tell us that we just aren't good enough, that we are damaged, that we have no value as citizens of the world.....a heartbreaking waste of life.

So where to from here?...how do we find our place in the world? A place where our endeavors are valued? A place where we can strive, accomplish and be all the better for it? Well to start with we need to be realistic….I would have loved to have been a dancer…but at my stage in life this just isn’t going to happen. However…I do have skills, bankable skills that I have slowly nurtured over my years of dark exile.

Yet choosing how and where to use these skills is the hard part…Self doubt, fear of ridicule, and indeed failure all come into play causing us to procrastinate and bemoan the inertia of our lives. I spent many many years in therapy and medicated...it wasn’t until I started implementing changes by modifying my thinking and behavior that I began to move forward...It was like the gears on my life had been out of whack, the only way forward it seemed was to realign them.

Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99.9% of people care little about what I think or what I do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself. The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all.

Should I have chosen sooner?... of course I should have, but what is more important is that I have chosen NOW…It is never too late to seek out some joy.

Be kind and generous to yourself Breezy~Day

Hi Quarter Life, what you describe really sounds like me. I feel like I am wasting so much of my life just keeping my head above water. I do think that I've been only trying to keep myself afloat for a long while. You know, I have the energy to make changes lately. Maybe this post brought it on, or something else did.

I've realized that most people usually go on with their lives and don't care what others they don't know think of them. Thinking about my own thoughts, I realize how alien this is to me. Even knowing someone doesn't like me drags me into this depressed state, even though it shouldn't matter at all. Thoughts only exist inside heads, after all. And thinking about this, and other thoughts similar recently, I feel like I'm getting an inkling of what it's like to live for yourself.

I do agree that it's never too late. I do realize this is the only life we all have, so it's not a bad decision to do the best I can while I have it.

Thank you.

Breezy~day and Quarter life ......... your last posts were really well written and touched my heart. You guys hit the nail right on the head. People like us will never get a life as long as we care about what others think of us. I've spent so much of my life people pleasing while letting myself slowly become nonexistent.
I'm not talking about being selfish. It's about not being used also. At least in my case. People used my deficiencies to suck the life out of myself. As long as they got theirs, didn't really care about me or how I was feeling or what I was going thru. NO MORE. This doormat doesn't say welcome anymore, it says enter but beware!
Best to you all