On some level I have always known there is something wrong with me on this. From a young age I have "enjoyed' grudges or overreacted to things. Usually at the time, I thought I was in the right, but later realized I might have been out there. Right now I have a massive grudge at work, and though, I know.. I am in the right on this.. I also know it only really hurts me and makes me look like a fool but I can't give it up.

My feelings just cannot allow it.

Recently I saw the TV mini series FEUD... Bette and Joan. I could see the stupidity of their feud but I do understand how sometimes your feelings just cannot allow you to act rationally. Anyone else have this?

[Sunflower123]

No. I dislike and don't hold grudges. It really does only hurt you. I hope you're able to let it go soon. Have you talked with a therapist about why you do this? Sending big hugs.

I get this. I've been considering a lot lately my Black and White thinking; how this makes me irritable, and yes hold onto grudges. It is taking a great deal of work. the irritability thing is still strong but I am starting to be able to let go of the grudges. Note this doesn't mean forgiving and forgetting. Rather it means asking myself if these are battles really worth getting my shirt in a knot for?

I always hold grudges against those who hurt me; no matter how minor the offense. I still hold grudges against every girl that has ever rejected me; even girls from 6-8 years ago that I haven't talked to since as well as almost every person who has ever blocked me on Facebook or any other social media or even this site.

I hate everybody who dares to cause me needless pain and heartache in my life and I hope they all fail at life or at the very least become less successful than myself.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I always hold grudges against those who hurt me; no matter how minor the offense. I still hold grudges against every girl that has ever rejected me; even girls from 6-8 years ago that I haven't talked to since as well as almost every person who has ever blocked me on Facebook or any other social media or even this site.I hate everybody who dares to cause me needless pain and heartache in my life and I hope they all fail at life or at the very least become less successful than myself.

This is exactly how I really feel. This got me thinking this week though. As a teen my BFF was not another teen.. but a 40 year old lady I worked with at a retail store. I like to think I am an old soul. Our arch enemies at work were Tara and Paula. Paula was one of those really nasty people who liked to go for your weakness and pretend she wasn't. At the same time she was an utter loser. She also stole friends. Tara had been our friend until Paula came along and then she sort of became her minion. I ended up leaving the job because of Paula. Tired of being judged and frankly losing.

Years later I happened to run into her -- she was working retail and I was buying something. I didn't recognize her. But the moment I realized who she was I left. She made me feel bad about myself. But of course, she wanted to be BFFs. Of course... she wanted to find out all about me so she could use any fact to judge me. I just turned on a dime and left.

Then my long term BFF friended me on Facebook. I was thrilled to put her on and see what was up with her. Then within a few months she friended Paula. How could she friend Paula? Weren't we arch enemies with Paula? How could she do that? It just made me feel like my BFF is just another one of those people who will do anything for "friends". Even if those friends aren't real friends and she would sell me out for "friends." I unfriended her immediately.

Now my BFF facebooked me and wanted to know why she hasn't heard from me. And I know in my heart it is crazy to be angry with her. I know I should just refriend her. But, I just can't. I just can't.

If she would Facebook friend Paula.. she isn't the person I thought she was.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

This is exactly how I really feel. This got me thinking this week though. As a teen my BFF was not another teen.. but a 40 year old lady I worked with at a retail store. I like to think I am an old soul. Our arch enemies at work were Tara and Paula. Paula was one of those really nasty people who liked to go for your weakness and pretend she wasn't. At the same time she was an utter loser. She also stole friends. Tara had been our friend until Paula came along and then she sort of became her minion. I ended up leaving the job because of Paula. Tired of being judged and frankly losing.

Yeah, that is what happens when you have to deal with a series of events in your life that makes you feel worthless.

I've had issues with envying people who have something that I want, such as money, fame, or that perfect relationship for a long time now but my problem got to the extreme that it is at now when my mother passed away about 4 years ago and I found out that she lied to me my whole life. If somebody has something that I crave and they come in my life or get in my way, I see them as a threat and act accordingly.

I can't offer any advice because I don't know how to change myself. It might just be best to find a way to deal with it on our own.

I've had issues with envying people who have something that I want, such as money, fame, or that perfect relationship for a long time now

Ironically, I have the better life on this. It is just that Paula is a bitter horrible person who's very existence makes me feel as if I am somehow the skank at the ball. It would not matter if I was married to Prince Harry she would say... notice.. not William.

In a weird way I wonder if I enjoy these grudges ... they make me feel superior or something. But I also recognize they are not beneficial to me.. but to step off them is to "compromise" something I don't know if I want to live my life with. In general in my life I have decided that I don't want to live with compromise. And to compromise for "friendship" or friendly relations seems silly because I can't be guaranteed that those "relationships" will be fruitful. But in failing to compromise I can be guaranteed I will get something out of it.

[divine1966]

No I am not like that, but I understand what you are saying.

Now talking about Feud I like that show, what really caught my eye is that at the end of their lives Bette and Joan realized they were very alike. And that's why they fought. It was too late though.

I am not saying you are exactly like these people you fight with, but is it possible you subconsciously recognize something of yourself in these people and that's why you can't let it go?

I don't think you need to compromise per se but maybe separating from people who create negativity in your life. Keep your distance. And sometimes I prefer to be "happy than right". Certain things aren't worth fighting for (and certain things are like if this person is discriminating others based on their race or something, you shouldn't compromise your values, but other stuff is just not important)

I think therapy is the best bet here

Originally Posted by divine1966

Now talking about Feud I like that show, what really caught my eye is that at the end of their lives Bette and Joan realized they were very alike. And that's why they fought. It was too late though.

No. My grudges don't take that form. Usually they are people that either have done something to me.. or I think have. Or they are people who have proven themselves to be troublemakers and I don't want to be around in any capacity. I usually don't fight with them.. I just avoid them.

Some things are just hard to shake.

There have been occassions when I have overacted towards people who are two faced or caught in a lie. They were not deserving of sympathy but the anger felt was damaging towards me since I still had to deal with these people. Do you think that lies (the type where they lied for their own gain and to the detriment of others) are the hardest things to forgive and forget? Yet I cannot say I have never lied.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

No. My grudges don't take that form. Usually they are people that either have done something to me.. or I think have. Or they are people who have proven themselves to be troublemakers and I don't want to be around in any capacity. I usually don't fight with them.. I just avoid them.

Oh I see. Avoiding toxic people or people who don't bring value to your life, is perfectly fine imho. We have accouple of abrasive people at work. I keep my distance and only communicate if need to per work assignment. They are of no importance for me. I am better off avoiding. I think you are doing the right thing. It's not a grudge but self-preservation.

[reb569]

I'm not sure that I hold grudges really, but I do avoid certain people because I don't trust them, either because they have done something to me in the past to give me reason to not trust them, or because of the fact that I don't trust easily.

Just one example of many I could give. I live about 1/2 mile from my "best friend" from high school. I avoid her as much as possible. If I see her I do talk to her, but I won't go out of my way to see or talk to her. I have good reason for it. I won't go into details, but let's just say that she is part of the reason I now have CPTSD. And, I suppose, these incidents are part of the reason I don't trust easily.

I guess for me, I see it as self-preservation more than anything.

Originally Posted by reb569

I'm not sure that I hold grudges really, but I do avoid certain people because I don't trust them, either because they have done something to me in the past to give me reason to not trust them, or because of the fact that I don't trust easily.

That is me. I suppose when the grudge comes in is.. when do you decide to let those people back in your life a little bit because you realize you could be hurting yourself in some way...avoiding a good friend or looking foolish at work.

Another "grudge" at work involves someone who went behind my back to steal a job from me. She still works there and we still run into each other from time to time. She gets to act like a normal human and by my having the grudge.. I somehow seem to be insane or childish. I find her talking with my boss often and puts it on me to tell him all of our past which, probably will make me look insane and small.

So should I just let it go? But if I do.. she wins. But has she won anyway and I am just making it harder on myself by acting this way?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

That is me. I suppose when the grudge comes in is.. when do you decide to let those people back in your life a little bit because you realize you could be hurting yourself in some way...avoiding a good friend or looking foolish at work.

Another "grudge" at work involves someone who went behind my back to steal a job from me. She still works there and we still run into each other from time to time. She gets to act like a normal human and by my having the grudge.. I somehow seem to be insane or childish. I find her talking with my boss often and puts it on me to tell him all of our past which, probably will make me look insane and small.

So should I just let it go? But if I do.. she wins. But has she won anyway and I am just making it harder on myself by acting this way?

I don't think you need to tell your boss that you two had issues. Sometimes due to the nature of work place (it's not like regular friendships), you have to put up with stuff and behave normal even if you want to kick somebody lol sometimes you can't avoid people.

We had somebody at work who'd get into arguments with people and then make it hard for them, every time there was a problem she ran to complain about people, or she acted weird/insane around people because she was mad at them, she was told "you teach high school, you aren't IN high school". Lol she was eventually transferred to a different building. Administration usually dislikes complainers.

I think since it's a work place, you might let it go. Not become BFF but just be decent and neutral

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't think you need to tell your boss that you two had issues. l

I find my boss to be a dear man and surprisingly smart about this stuff.. so it is possible he already knows. I feel like I can't tell him. When he was applying for the job she was the first one to talk smack about him. I would love to tell him that.. but he is the kind of person who like wouldn't want to know. He is a super bygones type of person.

The only possible time it might come up is that her boss and mine sometimes have meetings and sometimes we might have to work together and at that point I might have to tell him I would prefer not to work with her. But she is about 62 years old and I keep hoping she will retire soon. She has been able to since she was 55.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

I find my boss to be a dear man and surprisingly smart about this stuff.. so it is possible he already knows. I feel like I can't tell him. When he was applying for the job she was the first one to talk smack about him. I would love to tell him that.. but he is the kind of person who like wouldn't want to know. He is a super bygones type of person.

The only possible time it might come up is that her boss and mine sometimes have meetings and sometimes we might have to work together and at that point I might have to tell him I would prefer not to work with her. But she is about 62 years old and I keep hoping she will retire soon. She has been able to since she was 55.

There are people in every work place who talk smack about their bosses. It's a very bad idea to tell your boss that someone speaks poorly of him.

But sometimes it might be ok to request not to work with certain people for personal reasons.