[Alive99]

Hey all. I am really bad at noticing nuances of feelings so I can mislabel them and I don't know anyway what I do with the feeling after labelling. And that may be simply due to mislabelling. Or due to never dealing with that particular feeling before. But I decided I want to give this a stronger attempt. I have a feeling that is negative, gets in the way of me doing tasks, especially if it requires a little mental effort, e.g. work tasks. I thought maybe I was bored with the task though somewhere that didn't totally make sense...because I usually like to do things well-done. And then I noticed that I do actually enjoy to engage with the task intellectually wehn I am actually focusing on the task itself. I had no idea I was not directly focusing on the task when I feel this bad feeling. But it seems like I am not. When I feel this bad feeling it gets in the way, I'm not able to continue with the task for long. And maybe that is because I cannot process the feeling because I don't even know what it is. I have no thoughts about it other than "run away I don't want this feeling, I wanna avoid bc I'm sick of it". So because I do not perceive that it is actually NOT about the task, I want to run away from the task and everything else during the day. I have it less at night.


So what it is not:


- it is not a feeling of boredom about the task
- it is not a feeling of overwhelm about the task (though I can get eventually overwhelmed trying to control or block out the emotions, this one and other bad ones and then the task does feel overwhelming but it's really just me not dealing with the emotions)

What it likely is not but is the only things I could think of:

- somewhat like a feeling of "self-sabotaging" but I don't think it is that.
- somewhat like a feeling of "sulking" but I don't think it is that.

I have no idea what it is. I do have a lot of bad moods in general.

Can someone engage with me walking me through this identification of the feeling step by step? Like ask me questions or give me tips for narrowing it down.

Thanks so much.

[Marie123]

Perhaps seeing a therapist would bring you some clarity.

[MickeyCheeky]

i, too, have difficulties imagining what it may Be. i agree about consulting a therapist or professional figure to Better examine these Feelings You're experiencing. May it be depression or something like that? Do You have any specific diagnosis at the Moment? Sorry i am not much helpful, just wanted to Better UnderstAnd what You're going through. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Alive99, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Marie123

Perhaps seeing a therapist would bring you some clarity.

Thank you, I have been to multiple therapists, they were usually following very rigid protocols on this: handing me a long emotion list and expecting me to figure things out from that, or asking me "how do you feel" and just not worrying about it when I was unable to answer that.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

i, too, have difficulties imagining what it may Be. i agree about consulting a therapist or professional figure to Better examine these Feelings You're experiencing. May it be depression or something like that? Do You have any specific diagnosis at the Moment? Sorry i am not much helpful, just wanted to Better UnderstAnd what You're going through. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks to you too. My diagnosis is "other bipolar/affective disorder". Yeah it could be depression, absolutely could be. I'd just like a name for the feeling.

I tried to tune into the emotion, I tried to "live" it fully and then I sorta got these thoughts:

"I don't wanna do this, why should I do this, fuk you"

And

"why what's the point" ? not sure if that thought is there too.


But I still don't feel it's simply "sulking" or "self-sabotaging". I'd like to narrow it down more.

Would this make sense to anyone better?

[Sophgenn]

Originally Posted by Alive99

Thanks to you too. My diagnosis is "other bipolar/affective disorder". Yeah it could be depression, absolutely could be. I'd just like a name for the feeling.

I tried to tune into the emotion, I tried to "live" it fully and then I sorta got these thoughts:

"I don't wanna do this, why should I do this, fuk you"

And

"why what's the point" ? not sure if that thought is there too.


But I still don't feel it's simply "sulking" or "self-sabotaging". I'd like to narrow it down more.

Would this make sense to anyone better?

This is how I feel when my depression kicks in. I think what your feeling is mental exhaustion probably can’t pinpoint the feeling because it’s not just the one it’s probably many things

[Trying to heal]

Hi there,

I may be way off base here, but I am struggling with emotional identification as well. I sort of get the kind of feeling you're describing especially when I might enjoy the task, but it becomes repetitive or I don't get recognition for what I've done as I also put my all into doing something. So it's important that it feels important and worth while to me.

I have discovered that I usually go through a feeling of rebelliousness (where I say the **** u part, which normally indicates that I'm feeling kind of like the task isn't seen as all that important by others. As in they palm it off to me and even though I might enjoy the task for a time I get peeved that it's not really that important. ( I don't know if I'm describing it right, but it kind of comes close I guess. Like there's an element of frustration and anger as well as feeling under appreciated?... kind of?)

The other emotion I feel is if I've done it really well and no-one even notices, which makes me feel like I did something wrong or I'm guilty of something and that triggers more self-hatred etc.

I hope this maybe helped a bit? If I'm completely wrong, I'm really very sorry and I'll try be better at this next time. I just wanted to help

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Sophgenn

This is how I feel when my depression kicks in. I think what your feeling is mental exhaustion probably can’t pinpoint the feeling because it’s not just the one it’s probably many things

Thanks, yes I imagine depression would feel similar to the other two things I listed above. Feels just as silly to me : (

So I really don't feel the depression by default, only when I try to start on tasks.

And you are right I have mental exhaustion too and a mix of stuff too yep, but I identified the other ones mostly I think.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Trying to heal

Hi there,

I may be way off base here, but I am struggling with emotional identification as well. I sort of get the kind of feeling you're describing especially when I might enjoy the task, but it becomes repetitive or I don't get recognition for what I've done as I also put my all into doing something. So it's important that it feels important and worth while to me.

I have discovered that I usually go through a feeling of rebelliousness (where I say the **** u part, which normally indicates that I'm feeling kind of like the task isn't seen as all that important by others. As in they palm it off to me and even though I might enjoy the task for a time I get peeved that it's not really that important. ( I don't know if I'm describing it right, but it kind of comes close I guess. Like there's an element of frustration and anger as well as feeling under appreciated?... kind of?)

The other emotion I feel is if I've done it really well and no-one even notices, which makes me feel like I did something wrong or I'm guilty of something and that triggers more self-hatred etc.

I hope this maybe helped a bit? If I'm completely wrong, I'm really very sorry and I'll try be better at this next time. I just wanted to help

Thanks to you too. The thing is it's definitely tasks where you do need some discipline to start. But I actually like doing them when I can be free of this feeling. It's a lot like, you need a little discipline too to go do your workout/training too. But then it feels good while you are doing it. And afterwards too ofc.

You mention being underappreciated, I definitely feel like no one, NO ONE thinks of me during the day to pay attention to me much.

I actually don't mind repetitive tasks...less load on my overloaded brain. And they have a calming effect too.

The above poster mentioned it may be a mix of feelings too, well, I said it's not feeling overwhelmed but overwhelm also probably triggers it like, I'm used to feeling overwhelmed pretty often so.... It's like this feeling doesn't trust me that I'll spare myself from overwhelm in future. Lol.



And then you mention you like doing a task if you feel it's important and worthwhile to you. I can't say I am doing my dream job currently but that on its own shouldn't be a problem, I get enjoyment out of it alright. That is, when I can do it without being incredibly slow and feeling crappy.

I once read something about how a guy was seen putting bricks together to build a house (as a construction worker or whatever, IIRC), and they were working pretty slow and grumpy. They were working purely to survive. And .... OK wait. I've just found the quote and will copypaste it.

"A long time ago, a man was making bricks from mud. He looked rather bored, lifeless, and tired. He was asked, “What are you doing?”
He said, “I am making bricks from mud.”
Another man was doing the same thing but he looked much more energetic. He was asked, “What are you doing?”
He said, “I am making the best bricks from mud.”
Another man was doing the same thing but he looked even more energetic and was excited. He was asked, “What are you doing?”
He said, “I am making the best bricks from mud to earn more money to get married one day.”
Another man was doing the same thing but he looked even more energetic and excited, with a smile that radiated happiness and
fulfillment. He was asked, “What are you doing?”
He said, “I am supporting the happiness of my wife and family by earning more money by making the best bricks from mud.”"

.....................SO true.

(No I'm not a man but I relate)



So it's obviously like I lost all meaning in my life or whatever and then sometimes when I can get past that I am like the 2nd guy and that's fine for me now, I'd like to also be like the 3rd guy ofc but for now, I'd be fine with being the 2nd one consistently and not just when I get lucky.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Trying to heal

I have discovered that I usually go through a feeling of rebelliousness (where I say the **** u part

I forgot to add that I don't actually feel rebellious. This was just me trying to verbalise the subconscious thoughts belonging to the feeling. But I don't really feel rebellious.......in a passive way at most???? Like that's why I said I thought maybe it was some self-sabotage feeling

[Alive99]

I also realise that it has nothing to do with the task's characteristics really i.e how boring or interesting it would be otherwise. It has to do with how much mental effort & time the task will take.

But it doesn't feel the same as being overwhelmed feels, at least being overwhelmed to me I imagine is like really overloaded and lots of pressure and chaos, though I don't often feel this but I have for short times (I prioritise fast so I don't really have that issue)

Pressure overall is ofcourse a problem too when I know I got too much to be done fast enough or whatever obligations are there that are too many but that again feels different. Feeling of pressure feels very different from this feeling.

[Prycejosh1987]

Seek a therapist, i think it (your actions) stems from internal issues, and negative outlooks.

[RoxanneToto]

I’m wondering if it’s something to do with procrastination - basically not wanting to do something because you have a fear of failure. That’s something I read when I was having trouble getting on with a personal project I actually really enjoy when I get into it. The fear of failure I’m a little on the fence about, because it won’t actually matter a huge amount if I do “fail” at this. But, as they say, your mileage may vary.
I’m not too great at identifying feelings, either, so feel free to ignore this if you don’t think it applies to your situation.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

Seek a therapist, i think it (your actions) stems from internal issues, and negative outlooks.

Thank you, I have been to several therapists.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I’m wondering if it’s something to do with procrastination - basically not wanting to do something because you have a fear of failure. That’s something I read when I was having trouble getting on with a personal project I actually really enjoy when I get into it. The fear of failure I’m a little on the fence about, because it won’t actually matter a huge amount if I do “fail” at this. But, as they say, your mileage may vary.
I’m not too great at identifying feelings, either, so feel free to ignore this if you don’t think it applies to your situation.

Thanks, any input can help with perspective.


It's not about fear of failure about the particular task, though I do have a problem with not wanting to fail with my obligations overall and wanting to be able to perform at a level that I view as the absolute minimum. Which is hard when you have a really fluctuating and almost unpredictable well-being. (I'm predictable really but when something extra comes up it all falls apart because it's a fine balance with how I am now.) I liked your post, actually, I have recently tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter even if I can't always do that absolute minimum. Actually I tried to increase my standards a few months ago and when I failed at it recently I felt like really bad I really had to fight off a feeling of failure, and it took me a full day to realise that if THAT was failure then I was constantly failing before (before I started expecting more).

Anyway YES this feeling causes me to avoid and thus procrastinate, yes. That's why it bothers me in the first place lol.

edit: I avoid it so hard because it feels so unpleasant actually and I don't know how I can manage it or process it or whatever is what makes it hard. That is why I tried to identify it.

[Alive99]

I got this far: part of it really is "self-sabotage" but isn't really that....maybe more like a very valid way to protect myself from further negatives: I do not want to hope too much because if I lose hope again then it's harder to get back to try and hope again and try and do anything. So it's like I'm hanging on in this life by one thin rope or something, and I don't want to risk totally tearing the rope.

Like, if I somehow get myself to do the task, then I'll be faced with the issue of how I'll have to go through the same nightmare the next time and so on and so on and then I'll just have complete burnout.

So that's why I have this unidentified feeling. I noticed I can try and make a "pact" with it in that I present a plan to myself that takes into account the above issue.

Like I've just made one now that says "I do this task now, I get to use my emergency resources for a few hours to do it*. Then I can sleep all day, I can do whatever else I want, the other task I need to be done I can then break up in 3 parts for Saturday, Sunday, Monday morning. I can admit that it's ok to break it up in 3 parts whereas I used not to in the past. Because I understand I want to avoid any extra overload, burden, obligation for a few days at least. And hey. On Saturday I'll have some extra fun if I can try and work on the train for a change (I have to travel a bit, I do this once a year but never tried to work on my laptop on the train because I didn't even have the laptop last time). So this way it's not so unbearable and I almost got a full buy-in from myself for this plan or I did for a second before I lost it?... See more below.


So this idea for such plan stuff is nice. Though I think with these plans now I'm having an issue of there still being some doubt because I used positive thinking for so long and used to do the hope thing for so long, and used to tell myself for so long that I won't have to go on like this for long, I'll find some solution etc etc. And now it's really harder to trust the plans without the doubt. And THEN it does get to feel like self-sabotage but it still isn't really that. Because this doubt is very realistic and grounded infact and I have to admit to that.



(Yes right now I am trying to start on the task and have been trying "indirectly" for 2 hours lol. So have had this burden on me for 2 hours by now. Yeah, I got up 2 hours ago. Yeah it's dawn here.)




*: I did not use my emergency resources yesterday or use them in a crazy way anymore (I won't and can't anymore) and I rested some last night so I feel like I have the resources. I feel like I am okay with this.... but damn, doubt? What feeling is still in the way?

[Alive99]

3 hours by now. But at least I decided it really is just "dysphoria". This feeling. That means really just a really unpleasant feeling but it's also a complex feeling. This article is good What Is Dysphoria?



This pdf also is nice though hard to read but explains more on how it's not depression: https://www.ranzcp.org/RANZCP/media/...-Starcevic.pdf

I liked it where it mentioned gender dysphoria, I don't have that but I TOTALLY imagine the feeling this way. Like you can't exist in your own skin in this world

I also especially liked the PTSD variant of dysphoria as described in there. I've definitely had trauma (PTSD/cPTSD). And it definitely started right around the trauma stuff also starting up. 3 years ago.

Ugh

Thanks for all the posts & the chat once. It helped me think and talk it out.

[Trying to heal]

Hey,

I'm glad we were able to help, even if it's in a small way. I sincerely hope and wish the very best for you and remember that there are those here who sincerely care for you

[mountainstream]