Getting a Life...

I can really feel your anger and frustration (((Zen))) - especially with an overloaded and inefficient mental health care system - unfortunately, I can relate all too well. It is so hard to advocate for yourself when you are struggling with MI and can barely cope with just day-to-day life. All I can say is keep at it until you can get someone to really listen to you. Also, you might want to discuss the situation with your regular medical doctor and have him/her advocate for you with the "system."

As for your house repairs - I hear you loud and clear. No, you do not "sound rude or like a total B" - sometimes when people "help" it really is no help at all. But, consider this - that gentleman's workmanship was so poor that you are going to have to pay a professional to repair his repair; however, had he not repaired your walls, then you were going to have to pay a professional to do it, anyway. Either way, you were going to have to pay a professional to do the job, so just try to let it go. (I used to do interior repairs and painting - it isn't that big a deal to repair someone else's poor repair - and it's a good thing you prevented him from hanging that door, so don't feel bad about lying about it to him to spare his feelings.)

Everything you are dealing with right now is triggering all of your conditions which makes you hypersensitive to everything. You have enough on your plate already - try not to get upset over the "small" stuff. Save your energy for dealing with the mental health care system, getting the appropriate treatment and support you need, and adjusting to life without your brother's involvement. We'll all be here to offer whatever support we can.

How do I let go of my brother and hopes that he will have a change of heart when I know he will not?

If you go to www.youtube.com and search this video: "The Last Song" by Elton John...it makes me cry because this is how I felt everytime my brother would come and visit me while I was hospitalized. Even though as the lyrics in the song say "talk about things that were never spoken" or something like that...this never happened with us. I always saw my brother as being both my dad and my brother at the same time. This is why it is so freaking hard to adjust to not having my brother/dad in my life anymore.

I know that it is hard and so painful, but you have to accept the situation as it is. Having unrealistic expectations about what role your brother wants or is able to play in your life just sets you up for disappointment and hurt. It doesn't matter right now why he doesn't want to be present in your life - that's his problem to sort out on his own, in his own time, and if he chooses to sort it out at all. It's time for you to take charge of your life - build a support system around you that isn't based on such emotional attachments. You don't have to give up hoping that he will possibly someday have a change of heart, but that is not where he is right now and there is nothing you can do to force him into that change of heart. You have to be just as loving, accepting, and supportive of him and what he wants for his life as you want him to be of you and your life - even if that means he isn't present in your life right now or ever. He isn't your father, and it is unrealistic for you to expect him to fulfill that role in your life. You have to seek out others - professionals who are trained to assist you in developing the skills you need to survive and function on your own. I know this is difficult - right now, you are grieving the loss of the relationship you want to have with your brother - but grieve it you must, then let it go, and move forward with your life. And there are counselors and other professionals who can assist you in that process - and groups who can help provide support and empathy during that process. You need to develop these independent skills so that you do not have to rely on others who have their own lives and problems to deal with and cannot be present consistently. All of us have to make this kind of adjustment when we reach adulthood - relationships with our parents and siblings must change, or we remain helpless, dependent children throughout our lives. I hope my words help you see your situation from a different, more realistic perspective - and I hope you find the appropriate treatment and support you need soon. Take care of YOU.

(((((((((ZEN888)))))))))) It sounds like it's not so much him you're holding onto as the hopes of having someone there who can be the friend and brother you need. He's not in that package. He's probably out there somewhere, just not there. So hard to break a connection wneh you're hoping so hard in the face of what he's done.

((((((((((ZEN))))))))))

How are you doing today, hun?

Have you checked out NAMI? They have free support groups for the MI. Maybe you could get some help there and meet people too.

((((((((((Berries))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Today, I am a bundle of nervous energy and stress. I just called a place where I had an interview for Saturday and canceled it. I didn't really want to work there anyways.

What is NAMI? I live in Canada.

I ordered a 3 month subscription to my local newspaper so I can look for jobs the traditional way instead of online.

I seem to have no luck finding a job as a cashier, restaurant worker,...etc. My background is psychology and working with children. So, I will give it one more shot and apply at a well known grocery store and then start looking for work with children. Which means I will have to take first aid and cpr training again. grr! There were never any major emergencies where I have worked in the past with children just things that required a band aid and something to stop a bleeding nose....and some supportive and kind words.

Does anyone have any grounding tips on how to settle my anxiety/nervousness the day before and day of an interview. I get no sleep the night before.

Thank-you to everyone for your support, kindness, and caring!

NAMI is an organization for the mentally ill and their friends and family memebers. They have support groups and educational groups. And it's all free. I'd google it to see if they have it in Canada and in your city.

At night I feel very lonely and dejected (sad). I reflect on all my misfortunes, short comings, life that I have missed out on, how desparate I am to have loads of friends, ... lists goes on forever!

I have no one to call for comfort or support. I am just left waiting till it's time to take my night medications so the emotional pain is reduced. And then pray that I fall asleep quickly.

This is a ritual of mine. I have only recently "awakened" to how low I feel and where I am in my life. I feel desparate for affection, attention, closeness with someone, a social life, someone I can confide in and won't run away and abandon me...etc.

I feel like such a waste to society and myself.

I guess I am feeling low because I have started to look for work in jobs that I have no training in. And I am realizing that I have no choice but to work in the field of psychology and child care. All I want is a simple job that pays well (good hourly wage). With flexible hours (meaning no early mornings).

Saturday, I get my first copy of my subscription to my local city newspaper. And I will look for possible child care jobs.

I have also put the word out to a person that I volunteered for that I am looking for work with children. See what happens...

I canceled a job interview I had scheduled for Saturday at a grocery store because I am 95% sure they wouldn't hire me due to no previous experience.

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I guess it's official my brother will not even communicate with me via e-mail.

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I have to reschedule my physical appointment because my menstrual cycle keeps changing due to medications and stress.

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How do you make friends when you are naturally shy, easy going, mild mannered, and slow to warm up to new ppl and situations?

I cancelled my pottery classes because I wanted to keep my schedule free so I could be flexible for job schedules.

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Now all I feel like doing is going shopping and seeing a movie. My new friend works during the week and is busy on weekends with family, other friends, and church.

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I would do anything just to have someone in real life to talk to at anytime or to go anywhere with so I don't feel so ________ lonely and isolated. I feel like a freak of nature.

(((Zen)))

(((Zen)))) Just wrote you a long answer but it didn't get saved. Folks are dumb and most can't go the distance we do if given the same conditions. That's just it. Take care of yourself, OK

(((((((((((Zen))))))))))

I hear your sorrow loud and clear. Your suffering is real and justified. I am so sorry you feel this way that you have to live under these circumstances.
I applaud you on your strength and determination. You probably don't see that in yourself, but I do.
Maybe a volunteer job would be a better place to start? It might be easier to get hired and a way to meet friends.
I think you should keep up with your hobbies and re-enroll in your pottery class--it may be a good place to meet friends.
Counting things in your apartment that are a certain color. Thinking of countries with the same beginning letter. Saying the alphabet backwards. All are grounding techniques.
Are you on a waiting list for a therapist?
A lot of private therapists work on a sliding scale for low income people. You might start looking in the private practice therapy practices.
I think under the circumstances you are doing great.
Continue to Take Care

((((((((((((((((( Zen888 ))))))))))))))))))

Thank-you for your support!

This morning I have placed an advert in my local newspaper saying that a childcare worker is seeking employment...etc. The advert will run for 14 days.

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I don't know if anyone read about the abuse I experienced as a child in our family bathrooms by my dad who has since passed away.

Don't get me wrong I do like to keep my body clean...etc. But there are days were I just don't give a _______ because I have no where to go. I know it is gross to go without showering my body for a day. But the bathroom is not a welcoming/friendly place for me to be. If my body could magical self-clean itself I would be in heaven!

What are some things I can do to encourage myself to shower on a daily basis even when I don't give a ________?

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I have been invited to go to listen to a presentation my new friend will be doing in October at her church about her time in Africa this past summer. I think I will force myself to go in order to foster this relationship with her. I am more of a spiritual person rather than a religious person. So, I think this is a small step in the right direction. Plus she said we could go to Starbucks afterwards.

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As for private therapy, in Canada you have to be refered by a doctor in order to get on a waiting list. I don't know even if my family doctor has placed me on a waiting list (I have been waiting since March 2009). I don't want to come across to my family doctor as pushy or rude but I would like to know when and if I am on a waiting list.

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Next week I plan on doing some errands, going to see The Time Traveller's Wife movie, and possibly some shopping (I need to get some new clothes...etc...not just shopping cause I am bored).

Hi, (((((Zen))))). Good for you placing the ad - good start.

Re: Bathroom - One of my past pdocs said to me about my family's physical, emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse, "You're here now - you survived that past abuse - now you are working on healing the wounds." Your father/abuser has already taken so much away from you, but now he's gone - do not allow him to continue to abuse you by abusing yourself for him - do not punish yourself for what he did. Believe me, I know just how hard this is to do, but I assure you that it can be done. You need to take your bathroom back and turn it into a "safe" place - make it your own, not his. Everytime you walk in that bathroom, declare out loud, "This is MY bathroom and you father/abuser cannot come in - you are NOT welcome here." Perform a "ritualistic" cleaning - scrub everything down to symbolically remove every trace of him - remove the contamination. You're going shopping next week - pick up a few things to make your bathroom yours - turn it into your personal "spa" filled with things that comfort you - soft, pretty towels, scented bath salts, pretty colored bath puffs, scented candles, pretty bottles of perfume and lotions - just fill it with everything that is YOU.

Re: Your friend's talk about Africa - sounds like it would be really interesting and then going out for coffee with her afterwards would be really good for you.

Re: Referral for mental health care - you are not being rude or pushy to ask your doctor about getting treatment that you need. It is his responsibility to advocate for you. You have been waiting since March - make certain that you are on a waiting list at least, otherwise you have already waited all this time for nothing.

You are doing pretty well - taking positive step after positive step. Be patient with yourself - you can't do everything at once - just little step by little step. Perhaps you could list everyday what you accomplished that day and reward yourself for each and every accomplishment instead of focusing on the negatives in your life, it would help you begin to attain a more positive perspective on everything - would energize you rather than dragging you down further. Please keep posting and updating us on your progress.

I am still struggling with the same thing. I miss my brother and hate him at the same time. How do I move on when all I can think about is what a giant void he has left in my life?

I am experiencing the same issues. I tell off my brothers, I have one friend that I love but fight with her off and on, but she is a true friend.

I hope we can get support and suggestions here.

Hey, (((Zen))). Why not start out by writing down specifically what constitutes the "giant void" that your brother has left in your life? What specifically is now missing from your life that your brother previously provided? His insults? His dismissive and condescending attitude? I don't think that you truly miss your brother specifically - I think what you miss is a close connection with another person. I truly think that "void" has been there all along - and you wanted your brother to fill it - you tried to force yourself to believe that he was filling it because that's what you wanted him to do - but look back through your posts in this thread - you wanted him to fulfill a particular role in your life - more than that, you wanted him to WANT to fulfill a particular role in your life. Truth is, though, he never really has and simply cannot or does not want to do so now. You must find the means to fill that void yourself - you must create a strong support structure around you of trained professionals to provide you the assistance and treatment you need, and to help you develop necessary coping and survival skills. You have tunnel vision right now - you are still focusing on your brother instead of focusing on what support and assistance you need to be able to live as independently as possible. What if your brother lived in another state or country and was not within reach? You would have to find a way to take care of yourself and provide for your needs without his assistance. You cannot place that kind of pressure and responsibility on one person; and it isn't fair to your brother to expect him to replace your father - and it isn't fair to you, either.

Give it a try (((Zen))). Write down everything you have difficulty doing without assistance - put each item on a separate page. Then write down on each page what things you can do to handle each item yourself. If necessary, take these to your regular doctor and discuss the situation with him and ask him to advocate for you in getting you the appropriate treatment and assistance that you need. Let us know how you are progressing - we'll hear you and give you whatever support we can. You can do this, (((Zen))).

Zen...
Perhaps it's also a void that was created by keeping you from attending family gatherings? Not just the void of missing him, but also what he "took" away from you...
Things you would like to do family-wise but choose not to in order to keep some kind of peace...may play a part in the void that was created in your life.

You can do this, Zen. You are doing an excellent job of expressing yourself here, people that support and care for you...it will come together for you, Zen...unfortunately it won't happen quickly or easily.
One thing at a time, and you are doing this.

Yes, please do keep posting so we know how you are, ok?

In Peace

((((((((((((Zen)))))))))))))

YES! Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing!

What do I have to do so that I don't back out of going to see my friend talk about Africa at her church on Saturday night? I have a bad habit of not keeping appointments.

you say you have a bad habit of keeping appointments.

First: What do you usually say to yourself that keeps you from honoring appointments?

perhaps remind yourself how much it hurts when this has been done to you?
many times, if we put yourselves in the other person's place...we see things differently.

Zen, doing this with your friend is all a part of making a life for yourself. Habits, things from the past, can be changed...they are not set in stone. Doing it before does not mean you have to continue doing it.

In Peace

I usually say that I have made an obligation to keep this appointment and I will feel better about myself after I have kept it. I just need to take my anxiety medication and give myself a kick in the bum for some motivation to get out the door.

Zen, how I handle this kind of situation is by asking myself "WHY am I feeling like I don't want to keep the appointment?" If I am honest with myself - which is a skill in itself that needs to be learned and takes time to do so - and the answer is simply my fear of social situations, then I would most likely force myself to go. (Unless there were other troubling things going on in my life and it was all just too overwhelming.)

If my answer was because I had no real interest in the event or subject matter. Or that I really didn't enjoy being around this friend or the people in the group, then I would call and make an excuse to cancel. Then I would try to be more honest from then on, at least with myself, and not commit to things I really have no interest in or don't enjoy. I have found this to be very practical and helpful in my own life. It has meant for me that I spend more time alone and with few friends, but when I weigh the options of being honest with myself or pretending just for the sake of having a social life, for me it's preferable to spend more time alone that to be stuck in situations I don't enjoy, with people I don't like and feeling lonely in a group of people.

At least if I feel lonely when I'm by myself, I have a good reason for feeling lonely. It's easier to bear for me. But we are all different, you have to figure out what is best for you.