Getting a Life...

I think my difficulties are fears of different social situations. How should I behave? How should I react to people I meet? Should I use my sense of humour that some people don't understand (some ppl take me too literally when I make a joke)? Can I force myself to appear exterverted? Will I forget my manners because I am so nervous? Will I be boring? What if I have nothing interesting to say? What if there is a pregnant pause in the conversation?

First, just relax (((((Zen)))). Next - you are not there (in social situations) to perform or to entertain others. It sounds to me like you are so focused on trying to make people "like" you that you feel you have to do something or be someone other than who you are. Relax. Take the spotlight off yourself and shine it on others. Focus more on drawing others out and listening to what they have to say about themselves - more people than you know are uncomfortable in social situations - focus on making them feel comfortable and welcome. Believe me, you will feel much more relaxed if you are not imagining yourself to be under a microscope. Divert the attention away from yourself. Here's a little secret - a good listener is never considered "boring" or "inappropriate." Don't demand so much of yourself. If there is an uncomfortable "pregnant pause," ask someone a question about themselves - their interests - their occupation - you are not soley responsible for maintaining conversation. No need for you to do anything to appear extroverted. Relax - breathe - simply be in the moment - focus on others rather than worrying about how you appear to them. View each social encounter as an opportunity to practice and develop these skills - it truly can help drastically reduce the anticipatory anxiety you experience prior to the social interaction and you may find yourself actually looking forward to more opportunities to socialize with others. Hope this helps. Please let us know how it goes.

This evening I decided to give up the "fight" of wanting my brother in my life. It is a "fight" that I will never win and it is making me feel unhealthy.

I find that reading a good book helps to clear my mind of unwanted thoughts and calms me down.

I have set some goals for myself this week that aren't too big or complex. Just simple things like getting out of my home and doing something. I think part of the reason I live such a private and isolated lifestyle is because of many reasons but one sticks out the most for me right now.

I have had 4 manic episodes during the past 10 years living at my current home. My manic episodes are extremely embarrassing to put it even mildly. I just snap in an instant to the manic phase. And these are some of the things that I remember doing and saying while manic:

> taking off all my clothes and walking around my parking lot dancing like a hyperactive 5 year old with not a care in the world.

> actually believing and wanting others to believe that I am related to the British Royal family and that Elton John is my biological father...etc.

> yelling in an abusive manner to any man I come across telling him that he abuses children sexually (sorry I cannot spell the actual term correctly).

> I have flashed my neighbours showing them my chest and bum area.

List goes on....

When I am manic I don't even realize what I am doing or saying is bizarre or illegal. When I am manic I think what I am doing and saying is normal.

So to make a long story shorter...I am paranoid whenever I leave my home that my neighbours are watching me, gossiping about me,...etc. I feel like hiding underneath a rock and inching my way to my car. And driving off like a ghost.

One male neighbour that I did accuse of sexually abusing children has never taken legal action against me or treated me poorly afterwards. He usually says hello to me and at Christmas sends me a Christmas card with a Christmas CD inside.

I just feel like freak and wonder what my neighbours must think of me. Hopefully some of them will realize that I wasn't drunk or high on illegal drugs...that it was a medical condition causing the bizarre behaviour.

_____________________

How do I calm myself down and feel safe going outside?

(((Zen888))) Sounds like you are taking some very positive steps in creating a calmer and more peaceful atmosphere for yourself. Good job! You know that your manic episodes are part of your illness; unfortunately, you can't control what other people choose to think, believe, or say about you. However, I can assure you that most of the people on this planet are not as "normal" as you or they might think. It is difficult to overcome that self-consciousness, but rest assured that most people are more concerned with what is going on in their own lives than in yours - and many are probably worried about what you think of them. Just do your thing and let everyone else worry about themselves. Again, take the spotlight off of you and put it on others - be more concerned with what you think about everyone else rather than what they think about you.

I had a good day today. I got all my errands done!

((((((((((zen))))))))))))

KUDOS!!!!

Good news!!

I have an interview at an organic food store as a demo clerk! I know it doesn't sound like much but I absolutely love shopping at this store! When I walk into this store I feel like I am in heaven!

And I also submitted my resume and cover letter via e-mail to a daycare centre!

__________

How do I calm my nerves the night before the interview? My heart is usually pounding, thoughts racing out of control, and loads of negative self-talk.

I know I should just be myself during the interview for the demo clerk position but I am certain that they will want to see that I am outgoing and have a extrovert like personality. I tend to be very calm, mild mannered, and slow to warm up to new ppl.

How do I pretend or become more comfortable acting outgoing...etc?

Take a deep breath. Talk loudly (not shouting, though) and keep a smile plastered on your face.
GOOD LUCK on the interview!!!!!

Zenn,
Be Yourself.
They are looking for someone who knows how to be friendly and sincere...
Around here, the demonstrators are smiling, calm, and know their product.

Try not to be nervous--yeah, I know it's hard. Try anyway, ok?
Be relaxed and straight forward with them...don't pretend. If you "present" as being calm and confident, it will impress them.

You are a good person; don't be anyone but yourself...

In Peace

I am really nervous about this afternoon's interview. I cannot relax at all. I am a bundle of nerves.

Dear Zen,

If you had the life you want,
what would you be doing/thinking differently?

Wondering,
Holmes

xoxo

I would be married with children and have a part-time job until my children were in grade school.

Thinking...I would be less paranoid, anxious, sad, and lonely.

((((((((((((((((( Zen888 ))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((Zen)))))))))))
GOOD LUCK!!! I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way!

You won't be proud of me at all. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I totally paniced (excuse my spelling) and canceled this afternoon's interview at the organic store. And left a voice mail requesting an interview for Friday.

These are my reasons beside my anxiety levels that are not under control:

I have a job interview on Oct.1st at a daycare in the morning. I am very capable and familar with working with children in daycare, out-of-school care, and as a volunteer classroom assistant. So answering the questions during the interview wouldn't stress me out completely. I also have post-secondary education in psychology, sociology, and special needs. So, I am less nervous about this interview than the organic store interview. I think that I am just too interverted to have a job that requires me to feel at ease and outgoing with strangers everyday.

And if I were to get this daycare job I would have to take first aid and cpr training again. The only thing I don't like about this is the fact that the courses start at around 8am and end at around 4pm for 2 days. And in my previous work experience with children the only emergencies that I came across were wounds/cuts that required cleaning and a band aid. All other emergencies only required a hug and some supportive words..etc. And half the things that were taught in the cpr and first aid courses I couldn't remember it all...I only remembered the basics. Even though I scored in the high 80 %.

Then there is the criminal record check and child welfare check. I have never been arrested or convicted of any criminal offense. Nor have I ever harmed a child. But just the thought of going to the police department and having to fill out the forms for these checks makes me nervous. Or shall I say paranoid. I don't see why I traumatized myself like this because I have never been arrested or convicted of any criminal offense nor have I abused a child. Why do I think this way? And how can I force myself to rationalize things?

I feel like a hopeless mess right now.

Dear ZEN~

In this day & age I'm sure you can understand the necessty for the police report. This may all be done by a school secretary w/ out you needing to go to the police station, &/or filling out lots of forms. You are neither a convict or a criminal -I'll pay for any outstanding Starbuck's coffee
bills you may have.
WOW! All those people in that school are sooo fortunate! They are going to meet one awesome person - YOU.

Be good to Yourself Zen you are Wonderful.

Holmes, xoxo

Hi ZEN!

Please see post above!

Live in Love,
Holmes

Thank-you so much Holmes! FYI I have no outstanding Starbucks bills!

I think that's great that you took care of yourself! If you were panicked, that is a bad place to be and requires care not putting yourself in a stressful place. I, personally, AM proud of you for knowing your limits.

I hope you feel better really soon!

Zen I think it was a good idea to go for the daycare position and wait on the other one. You have experience in child care. You feel more comfortable there, sounds like a wise choice to me.

Consider the CPR class and the background check simply as something you have to do to reach your goal. You don't have to enjoy it. Just put one foot in front of the other and do what is required. That's all you can do, is show up and do your part. The rest is out of your hands. Good luck!

But why do I worry myself to the point I feel physically and mentally ill by just thinking about having to get a criminal record check and child welfare check? As I have stated before I have never been arrested or convicted of any crime nor have I abused any children.

Could it be because I was abused as a child that I am hyper sensitive/paranoid about getting my records checked? Could it be because my dad was never held accountable for his abusive actions towards me?

I try over and over again to remind myself that I am not a criminal nor am I a child abuser.

I haven't worked in childcare for 3 years now. I did have to file accident reports when a child would hurt themselves...etc. And if anything came into question I would think by now that the police or social services would have contacted me? See this is how my OCD thinking or stress affects my logical and intelligent reasoning skills.

How do I get a life? How do I stop feeling so freaking lonely and desparate for affection? How do I stop being so paranoid about life and ppl? How do I stop worrying myself sick about my health...I tend to think I have a new disease or disorder every other week?

Hello, My name is Robin. I am 43 years old. I feel about 2o something LOL however i live in this 43 year old body. I just joined this site. its very interesting to say the least. We all have things that are just not exactly perfect but we have something to work with. I took a few of the test on here and i sky rocketed the charts..... add and bipolar totally depressed and have some ocd.........without medications.........so far....and i drive myself and my family crazy. I think in this life its all a learning lesson....sometimes we are just not prepared for the test. I am a very positive individual regardless of the things i go through and have been through. I see things differently then a few.... yet less than most....lol I gotta laugh sorry.........im funny to boot........or try to be ..........I have my down times too where i totally withdraw from everyone so i can gather my senses again. I have a son who is 24. He was diagnoised with addh in 2nd grade............he out grew his and i never did do anything about my problems......howeve i was always to busy with so much **** in my life i never noticed my conditions until the last 5-6 years.....how i have changed is amazing in itself. All things takes times...........and change in our lives comes when we get so sick of seeing the bottom of things ........and make a change within ourselves to make things happen in our lives. What matters in life............Knowing you are loved regardless of who we are. We all need and want love. Without that human touch........we become like a hermit.... Life is so much worth living and enjoying i say Live, love and laugh often for those are the things we all miss in our lives....... Never feel you are alone.........theres a big world out there and there are alot of good people in it who care. I feel it all starts with in our thinking process..........its like ok.....lets get the delete button working on all the **** weve been processed over the years that doesnt work. LOL its time for a reorganization of thoughts..........and you will be surprised the changes YOU can make in yourself with some support.... MY life ive kept a big secrete and afraid to talk about but i have realized we all go through it........and the more we share and talk about things....with people who care We get a new perspective on the way we look at things............I never liked to read and i read and read.......and talk and talk finding the answers i need to be happy and carefree............ another way i look at things is we come in this world naked and we will leave it naked........Hopefully with clothes on our bodies if we are fortunate to live a ripe old age...........lol neways the idea we need to live today like its our last day.........dont live in the past.......dont live to far in the future but live right here right now.......... do somethng today for someone else.........Sometimes thats all it takes is a smile from a complete stranger and yet it could wake you or me up..........i have had that done many times right at the time i needed it............there it was............ We are the ones who make a difference the ones who pulls our boots by the boot straps and pick ourselves up and just start living. We only have One life to live and i tell you the secretes is how we talk to ourselves and the way we thnk......needs to change some............we are so programed the way someone else wanted us and God made us who we are with and with out problems.....the rain comes and goes.......then the sun shines...........we shall always have valleys and mountains to climb up and to know the cycles that we go through......ups and downs........and around turns and many storms Ihope i make sense........but neways Iknow we have the power within ourselves and with Gods help.........we can overcome any obsticle we face even right down to addh add bipolar ect ect......its all in knowledge and then applying it to our lives and our situations. I have felt exactly like you do........many times and yet i still keep thriving in life for .............im determind we can be happy right here right now............without anyone but yet we need and want. We are taught mans ways in life..........and we get let down.......we live carnially....for we are a carnally minded until we open up our spiritual side........we feel empty in this life.......i dont go to church ........its just a building but i do believe without a doubt theres a God and He is what and my whys of why i keep going and being positive and making better choices for myself. The choices we make today decitate our lives we live. Trust me wake up your spiritual side and it will help you overcome the depression and help you understand and see things differently...thats what alot of our problems we know something and then we think we are always right.......being closed minded and closed hearted towards people. We end up being our own worse night mare. Trust me,,, i felt the same things........and i opened up my mind and heart...........learned to live ..........forgive and be at peace at whatever state of mind i am in........You are never alone........and You have the power to do something about your situation.......We all do .....the very first thing is to always remember to breath, pray and believe.........after that God will help you as you help yourself...... and it always starts when we forget about ourselves in a sense and put someone else before our problems..........and it always comes back to you even more sometime than ten fold. Heres to you .....heres to me......Lets keep the Faith and Believe for it starts witin yourself. and then give it away for someone else to become strong.....and its a circle of friends and family.......striving to overcome this life and make it to Heaven..........i know life was intended to be that .......Heaven and we can live in peace without much............if we but understand how it all works. May God bless you and yours........and just start with a litle act of kindness ........perhaps with yourself and tell yourself YOU are someoe Special and God gave you breath and a life.......Make it worth living..........Live , Love and laugh often. with all my love, Ms. Robin ps...feel free to text Ms.Robin on this site. until then Have a beautiful day..........Breath, my favorite saying Pray, Breath, in knowing and believe. Pray, breath and Believe.