[ThePainNeverDies]

If I knew what was wrong then i'd tell people what was wrong, but all I know is that I just feel like a complete failure now. I was doing okay with my ED, now I'm slipping back into restricting heavily and starving and now I feel so, so much like just drawing that blade across my skin once more..

I've not done it for about 6 or 7 weeks and I know for a fact that I've pushed past all those urges.. But since the fire, I've just felt like starving, cutting, OD'ing.. Anything to harm me and now that I've eaten something today, I have plans to OD and i hate it. Why do I have to punish myself for eating, for helping me live? Because I want to die? Porbably.. I'm just so sick of it and I have no-one to talk to who won't lecture me about it or who will understand or who won't hate me for it. I'm sick of it.

I wish I wasn't even alive anymore and now I just want to OD and my life to be over with. God I must sound so selfish, but I can't help it. I just wish I'd never lived this life for it to be so s--t. I've been through hell and almost back, but no-one notices that I'm coming back from hell, that me, the one that always has to be chirpy, happy, strong, helpful all the freakin' time, is struggling to come back from hell, and has actually BEEN through hell. It's like I'm not even allowed to ****ing struggle and as soon as I do, people hate me for it.

Well hate me all you lke. This is me and me is who I want to be, but I just want to be happy and I'm trying my best to make that happen. I wish I could cut so deep that I hit an artery or something and then no-one wold know and I'd just die. Or just OD it'd be much less easy to find out the cause of death or something, idk. I just don't want to live this life anymore. It sucks and I hate it and i hate me.

All I want is a bit of support when I give out so much support to people I don't even know, even IRL.. I'm not begrudging that... I just need a bit of support myself today..

I'm sorry..

[depressedalaskan]

((((((ThePainNeverDies)))))) Do you have a professional that you can call? I am not a professional but it looks to me like depression has a grip on you today. A professional person would be able to losen the grip of depression. I am sending hugs, I hope that will help some.

If you have no one you can call 911 or go to your local hospital. They will help.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I would call my usual counsellor, but I don't have her number. Idon't have anyone else to call tbh. I was supposed to call about seeing a psych today. I have to do that in half an hour. But apart from that I have no-one that I can talk to.

I got back to my flat this morning and had a panic attack straight away and now I can't stop thinking about it. I keep sweating buckets, my hair was soaked this morning where I was sweating so much from anxiety and I just can't take all this s--t anymore. Friends lying to me, telling me things have happened to them that they know have happened to me and then me finding out they've llied about it all.

I'm sick of myself. Just sick of everything now

[Rohag]

No lecture here...just a gentle cyber-hug, if that's OK.

Thank you for taking the time to post. May you quickly find some non-judgemental soul who'll be a friend and from whom you'll feel no reproach.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you Rohag. I needed a hug.

I wish I could find someone who I could talk to but I just can't. I can't even confide in my key support worker because he'll get the crisis team onto me, I just know he will and i couldn't stand that, i really couldn't. I'm panicking again now and I really don't know what ot do i just wantto die so much. Everytime I think of it, I want t more and more and I just.. Arrrrrgggghhhhh!!!

I hate this everyone hates me and no-one wants me around and everybody lies to me and is just out to get me and I can't do anything anymore vecause I';ll just get hurt

[lindee]

I never say the right things but I'm sending you hugs to help you realize that there are people here that care for you and want your pain to go away. I wish I had a magic wand to help you. Please know that your situation is temporary. It WILL get better. Hang in there. We need and want you here at PC.

I know your pain is real because I've been there. But I am better now.

Take Care.
lindee

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you

I'm glad people here want and need me here, althoughas always I never believe that people need me...

I've gotta go see my key support worker now and I really don't want to because I can't talk to him because last time I did that, the crisis team were sent to see me and I can't stand the crisis team and I hate this.

God, everything so f-cked up at the moment and I wish it wasn't. Why do I always get my hopes up, thinking everything's amazing when I KNOW, I just KNOW that something major's going to go wrong?!?!

I'm such a retard and I never learn my lesson. Maybe I should just let those urges in and let them take over and do their bit, instead of constantly trying to fight them. Why do I never give up?!?!

[idontknow13]

ThePainNeverDies
I am so sorry you feel so much pain, I wish I had the words to comfort you but be assured I am thinking of you
You are not a retard, you are a beautiful caring person

[Miracle1986]

(((ThePainNeverDies)))
Hang in there!!!

[Naturefreak]

(((ThePainNeverDies)))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you idontknow13. Sometimes I feel like the most retarded person on this planet. Like by now, I should know to just get over things that happen to me, just like everybody wants and expects me to. So why won't my f--ked up head let me just get over it?!?! I hate being anxious!!!!

Thanks for the hugs manda86 and Babysteps09.

I had someone today tell me to just keep taking small steps along the way today and she said that she knows how hard it can be to just put one foot in front of the other. That helped, but I just saw my key support worker and he asked how I am and I just came out with it... "I'm fine! "

We talked a bit about exactly what happened and how I got trapped and stuff and I just sat there feeling like I could cry! I can't get my assessment until 10th Sept which is almost a month away! WTF?!?!?!

I have no-one to talk to IRL anymore and I just don't know what to do. i wish I could bury myself underground and never come back up again

I'm sorry for being so crap..

[Berries]

(((((((((((ThePainNeverDies)))))))))))



Take it one moment at a time. Remember to breath fully, slowly and deeply when the anxiety hits.
Keep posting. We care, I care, a great deal about you.
YOu CAN get thru this. You WILL get thru this.
Things ALWAYS change.
And remember it is the Big Liar Depression telling you that you are all those terrible things you said you were.
The TRUTH is quite the opposite.

Keep posting. Keep breathing.

[ThePainNeverDies]

How do people know the truth is the opposite? Confused...

I guess I just feel that demon sitting on my head, wishing I would die, wishing I could rid myself of the demon and I hate that demon, but then I feel like that deon is me becaise the demon is a part of me now, but they made that demon and I don't want ANYTHING to do with them...

But I just can't seem to get rid of this demon. The AD's work, I feel happy for 2 weeks, but then something huge happens top just s--t right on my face and kick me in the stomach and take me right back down to the bottom of that pit of depression and find myself splayed on my back with the demon sat on me. It's just not fair! Why can't someting good EVER happen without something bad happning that's so big it cancels out all the good stuff that's happened?!?!?!

I just don't get it

[depressedalaskan]

(((((ThePainNeverDies))))) Keep fighting, keep posting, the more you post the more you learn, the more you learn the harder you can fight. Keep up the fight you are worth it. Hugs for your day.

[idontknow13]

ThePainNeverDies
We care, keep posting, we are here for you

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you, depressedalaskan and idontknow13.

I had a "friend" over to stay last night. He was going to help me clean my flat after the fire and all that. I was going to cut his hair for him too, but I was pretty damn tired last night so we ended up going to be at around 1.45am after chatting and stuff. He was staying in my front room, I was in my bedroom. I left both doors open so that I could get some light into my room and so that I could feel the presence of the guy staying over, just to comfort me and enable me to sleep.

I woke up this morning wondering why I felt so warm and why his bed was empty. Funnily enough, when I woke up enough, I realised he was lying behind me, on my bed, touching me. I turned my head back and he was fully engrossed in what he was doing, trying to put his hands down my pj bottoms. i freaked out and started to panic a little, so elbowed him in the ribs and said "OI!" When I sat up to rub my eyes and try to get away from him, he grabbed my sides and tried pulling me back towards him, so I told him "You really think I want to even BE in this bed with you?!?! For f--ks sake, R! I didn't even do anything to make you think i wanted you in my bed! I made sure you were in the other room, I told you that you were sleeping there and I wore pjs. Leave me alone. Get your grubby paws off me." On that note, I jumped out of bed leaving him there because he wouldn't move and went to my kitchen to geta glass of milk. Last night I was sick twice because of anxiety and still feel sick this morning, so the milk's helped a little. He came into the kitchen and wanted me to hug him. before I could move away, he'd got his arm around my back and pulled me in, soI pushed him off and glared at him.

How? Just.. How could he do that?! I trusted him, I thought he was going to help me, I thought he wanted to be there for me to help me feel better, not to grope me when I was ASLEEP! He apologised in the end, but how can i possibly say "oh it's okay just don't do it again"? He KNOWS I have a boyfriend, he KNOWS I love Connor very much and would NEVER EVER do anything to hurt him again. He KNOWS I'm not interested and just want to be friends and he KNOWS that I'm fragile, so why do it?! I asked him that very question and he said "I'd been frustrated all night, I couldn't stop thinking about it and at the last minute, I just thought I'd take the opportunity while it was there. It's not my fault your body's so hot. Can't help being attracted to you." Ugh f--k off you disgusting and nasty piece of work! Yes, maybe he was trying to flatter me, win me over by telling me he likes my body, but it sure as hell didn't work. I just laughed and said "bulls--t. There's nothing special about me and I certainly don't want to hear that from YOU! just leave me alone, don't touch me."

He went to hug me again a bit later on and I stared at him and blankly said "No." and he said "Aww come on.." "No, R! I told you no once and you just don't get the message, you didn't get the message to get the f--k out of my bed and I've told you to leave me alone! Do you ever listen?? You did this before and I forgave you, took advatage of me whilst I was on sleeping pills and now you're doing it again when I'm actually asleep! I thought I could trust you. Obviously not." Later on he asked me if he could stay again tonight! He really thinks I'll say yes?? Sigh. What the hell did I do for him to do that? I told him I'm not interested when he tried to flirt, I reminded him I have a boyfriend and also reminded him that he's just a friend and that's how it's staying, nothing more.

Just don't know what to do now. He was saying to me not long ago "Just imagine if I'd ceased the moment earlier, how far it would have gone.." So I replied with "Pff, you wouldn't have any fingers left! You were too close for comfort as it was! If you actually got your hands where you wanted them, you'd be screaming in pain because I'd have kicked you in the balls. I almost slapped you when I woke up to you fumbling about with me, but do you know why I didn't?" Uhhh. "No, why?" Duh! "Because you're supposed to be my friend and because I'm not violent and couldn't face doing it!" Heh. I liked this bit. "I sure as hell deserved it though." Yep he sure as hell did.

I haven't spoken to him much for the rest of the morning. He asked me to not let it ruin our friendship, but he's got some trust building to do if he thinks he's staying at mine again. Pff. Fat chance. Just need to talk to someone about it now, but I don't know who. I'm shaken by it and he was only saying last night "You don't have to go through living here on your own you know, you don't have to go through the fear alone.. You've got friends around you to help you through it." Hm. I thought I did, but pbviously not. He's only after one thing.

I wanted to speak to Sara, one of the Key Support Workers here this morning, at breakfast club, but He was there so I couldn't. Plus I chickened out because I was scared of being judged and I didn't know how to go about saying it.. So I'm all nice and shaken up this morning, not to mention I was sick twice last night and anxius and still am this morning. I'm sick of all this. So, so fed up of it. I'm due to see my dr today about the anxiety. She may even want to do blood tests again, I don't know. All I know is I just don't want to see anyone today tbh..

What the hell do I do now? Everything's going wrong

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( tpnd ))))))))))))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks Fuzzy, the hugs are much appreciated

[Sabrina]

May I offer a supportive hug too? ((((ThePainNeverDies))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Yes you can, thanls Sabrina.

I'm just worrying over everything and I can't even call my dr to go and have a checkup because I'm so ill and I know I ought to have one... I'm just terrified of breaking down to her and crying or getting angry about last night or something.. Idk.

I just wish I wasn't here now tbh. All I am is a rag doll that anyone can do whatever they like with and there;'s no point in me even being here if that's all I am to people..

[Sannah]

Hi TPND, are you going back to see your counselor now???? You just suffered a trauma with that fire and I think that you need to process that. Maybe this is why you are restricting again now because you want to feel some control again since you are having panic attacks, most likely from the fire???? I have read that some people have discovered that it is better to not fight the panic attacks and to let them happen. Here is some info on panic attacks.

http://www.geocities.com/spiroll2/stoppa.html

I would never trust that guy again............

[ThePainNeverDies]

Oh Sannah, you make so much sense! Reading the second article was interesting. Something I need to thik about there. FooZe talks about stuff in this kind of way too and I like it I hadn't really wanted to think about why I was restricting, I guess I didn't want to know but I just ate something and now I feel really sick.. But I'm going to eat at least one thing whilst on the residential. I just went shopping with a friend who's going to be coming with me on the residential, to get some food.

No, I am not seeing my counsellor now. I won't be seeing her until 2nd September.
It's not that I try to fight the panic attacks it's that I panic more and more as I get less able to breathe, one of my friends passed out during a panic attack because she stopped breathing and that thought always makes my panicking even worse. I just flap about a lot especially when people are around and they try to touch me to ground me or something and make me calm. It just makes me flap even more and try to talk even more therefore be able to breathe even less!

I have decided that I need to talk about the abuse to someone and find out what I ought to do about what happened in my childhood. I need justice to be served before I can just move on. Once they have felt pain for the pain that they caused me to feel, I will be relieved of the heavy burden of their lies and with more therapy I hope and believe I will begin to be happier and more able to lead my life myself. So I have the number to a helpline and althoguh I hate helplines and don't like talking to people on them/using them, this time I have a strong knowledge that I need to phone them and tallk to them. I can call them for free from my mobile too, which makes it even better!

I'm still sweating buckets just sat here, I'm so anxious about going home tonight. Seeing the bedding from where HE lay last night and remembering what he did. Ugh. It's just so much to make me panic and it's doing my head in!!!! ARGH! How COULD I possibly trust this guy again?!?!? NI never ever will! I'm not cutting his hair for him anymore, not letting him help me to clean my flat, not going anywhere with him whether alone or with someone else ---I don't care and I'm avoiding him now as much as possible. I hate him.

[pachyderm]

(((((ThePainNeverDies)))))

[Jeni12]

I'm so sorry you feel the way you do! I know the feeling of not having anyone to turn to and everyone trying to "fix" you and not understanding. I do hope that you are able to find peace. Know that there are others who can relate so that you don't feel so alone. I hope that you can find people who will listen and understand

[crislsoul]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

If I knew what was wrong then i'd tell people what was wrong, but all I know is that I just feel like a complete failure now. I was doing okay with my ED, now I'm slipping back into restricting heavily and starving and now I feel so, so much like just drawing that blade across my skin once more..

I've not done it for about 6 or 7 weeks and I know for a fact that I've pushed past all those urges.. But since the fire, I've just felt like starving, cutting, OD'ing.. Anything to harm me and now that I've eaten something today, I have plans to OD and i hate it. Why do I have to punish myself for eating, for helping me live? Because I want to die? Porbably.. I'm just so sick of it and I have no-one to talk to who won't lecture me about it or who will understand or who won't hate me for it. I'm sick of it.

I wish I wasn't even alive anymore and now I just want to OD and my life to be over with. God I must sound so selfish, but I can't help it. I just wish I'd never lived this life for it to be so s--t. I've been through hell and almost back, but no-one notices that I'm coming back from hell, that me, the one that always has to be chirpy, happy, strong, helpful all the freakin' time, is struggling to come back from hell, and has actually BEEN through hell. It's like I'm not even allowed to ****ing struggle and as soon as I do, people hate me for it.

Well hate me all you lke. This is me and me is who I want to be, but I just want to be happy and I'm trying my best to make that happen. I wish I could cut so deep that I hit an artery or something and then no-one wold know and I'd just die. Or just OD it'd be much less easy to find out the cause of death or something, idk. I just don't want to live this life anymore. It sucks and I hate it and i hate me.

All I want is a bit of support when I give out so much support to people I don't even know, even IRL.. I'm not begrudging that... I just need a bit of support myself today..

I'm sorry..

There are so many here who would wrap their arms around yu if they could... including me! Please do not harm yourself. My life is sooo hard at times. I often tell myself :I must have been Hitler in a past life to deserve such a crappy life now. We do not know all the answers but people in here can give you love and support just not in person. You are never alone though. I personally believe that we all have a guardian Angel or something of that sort I often pray that my angel will help me and something happens to make me feel like they heard me. You might try talking or writing a letter to yours. I send you my good thoughts now...