hopless & helpless

So profoundly depressed. I feel hopeless and helpless.
I thought I’d feel better. I thought I’d think differently, if the tests showed that my suffering was real—not just histrionic ravings.
My pdoc and tdoc keep telling me that I have illnesses—that it is real and I am not faking anything.
I thought that I would believe them if the tests showed it to be accurate. I was told if I was faking it the tests would say—she’s faking. And the tests didn’t say that. And I just can’t believe it. Why? I do not know.
I am still having the thoughts that I am a liar and faker and I believe them—however horrible that makes me.
Plus now I have new thoughts that tell me to stop taking the antipsychotic and mood stabilizer—that if it is true that I have mental illnesses that I should suffer their symptoms without the help of meds. And it is very difficult to take the pills when that is going through my mind.
I am so depressed. No one understands why. Not my T. Not me. Not my mom.
I am a sinking ship without a life boat.

How awful (((Berries)))! I feel like I've been sinking down a drain too 'cause I've been struggling with SI again. I haven't done it, and that's why it's a struggle; I want to, but it's not okay and I know I shouldn't. It's so frustrating! Can't really give you much advice...but I can help rescue you from drowning. I can sail in on a Help boat and throw you a floating ring! Hope you feel better very soon.

(((((Berries))))) - I'm sorry that you are still struggling so with this. Did someone in your past accuse you of being a liar and faker (like to get attention), and that you deserve to suffer (deserve to be punished), or are these thoughts strictly self-generated?

Hang on tight Berries and never let go. So sorry you're feeling so sad. Try not to struggle too much with labelling how you feel. All that matters is you are entitled to feel. Your illness is just a small part of you and doesn't represent your whole being or consume you. You're more than your illness!! I hope you feel better very soon sweetie!

They are intrusive thoughts. May be stemming from a T who said she "didn't see it" meaning a mental illness.
But mostly I think they are thoughts inpired by Satan.

We all have negative thoughts - some more than others. Just remember they're just thoughts and it doesn't mean they're true. If we listen to them they can make us feel sad. Try not to pay attention to them that way they will lose their power. Don't worry Berries these bad feelings will pass - okay?

Have you shared what that former T said to you with your current T and pdoc? Perhaps if they knew about it, it would help them address those thoughts more specifically, and help you develop some techniques for defusing them. I understand that even if you rid yourself of those specific intrusive thoughts that your MI will replace them with others, but perhaps if you and they address the specific intrusive thoughts each time, you could at least quiet some of them. I'm just musing about this (((Berries))) - just want so much to find a way to be more of a help to you.

(((((Berries))))))) I hope you are telling ALL of this to both your T and your Pdoc. I think the right medication would help you with these thoughts. Please don't stop taking your meds until you discuss all this with your pdoc. These thoughts are your mental illness speaking, don't believe these thoughts. We are here for you.

(((((((Pomegranate))))))) & (((((((Lynn09)))))))
Both Pdoc and Tdoc know everyting. They can't help me.

(((((((lynnP))))))) & ((((((((Lboogieg))))))) thank you for your words of support

Hi, Berries! I'm sorry you're down, though I'm not surprised -- you've been through so much the past few weeks with the "reassessment" climaxing in that on-stage interview yesterday. A post-adrenaline slump with your mind reaching for the usual prerecorded tapes wouldn't be out of the question, regardless of the conclusions of the doctors as to the reality of your illness.

Your mind - and hence body - need a rest from that "marathon" you've run. I wish you could rest and relax without the depressing thoughts and feelings, but R&R is maybe what you need right now.

I'll try to swim out to your ship with a bucket and help you bail.

(((Berries)))

I wish there was something I can do to help. I offer my support. Try to be good to yourself, OK?

(((((((Rohag))))))) Ever since the presentation yesterday I have felt exhausted--mentally and physically. Maybe after some r & r I will feel better. I hope so. Thank you for the offer to bail.

(((((((BNLsMom)))))) Thank you for your support.

(((((((((Berries))))))))I rememmber one time that I was told the brain forms neuron connections along lines of thought we tend to use the most. It sounds like your mind is just plain in a rut, dear. Even though you have proof that you aren't a fake, and that you are very much ill, your brain hasn't been able to change those tracks yet, and will go back to them because it's easier thn making new ones, sort of like cows.

Of course, depression and horrible comments from the past don't help, but see what you can do to find other thoughts to occupy your poor mind with. You're not faking, Berries. If you are, then we all are, and I don't buy that, dear, I just don't. "when you gonna love you the way that we do?" Hugs dear.

Um.....DON'T STOP TAKING YOUR MEDS WITHOUT TALKING TO PDOC...k? I've seen too many get lost by not taking their meds. I've been there too. My meds bring me to a level of normality that gives me the impression that I'm cured and I would go off them. Guess what? My meds work. Not taking the doesn't work. It is only a matter of time before I'm "crazy" again if I don't take my meds.

Nooinberg, that is the point of going off my meds--so I will suffer the symptoms of my illness.

Makes sense.

Thank you for your kind words (((((((lonegael)))))))

(((((((((((((((( Berries )))))))))))))))))

(all I can offer right now is a gentle hug, and a grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at those thoughts)

My pdoc called to check in after the presentation.

The plan we had to get back on my miracle drug (the one that stopped hospitals and ECT treatments) is OFF.

Other than doubling the lamictal, was too grooggy with nighttime meds when she called so don't recall what the new plan is.

I have an appointment in 2 weeks. I guess I'll find out then.

I feel like chucking it all.

Stay with it, Berries. You don't "deserve" this illness any more than the rest of us do, or any more than a diabetic, a cancer patient or a burn victim deserve what happens to them. Call it bum luck, call it genetic poker, whatever, but don't call it a punishment or "fate" in that you have to lie down and roll in it. Depression wants to continue, and he will say whatever it takes to beat you. You are not obligated to do what he wants!!!!! Say after me: I am not obligated to suffer so Depression can be happy. One more time. The big D is not your friend. Inspite of what he might tell you, he's not God's either, so that angle can be scrapped

Ok, I know I am hypomanic right now, and for me that means spoiling for a fight, but it's not with you, berries, it's with the thing that is trying to make you take part in hurting yourself. Every time I see such a warm, caring, giving person start down that route, I ... never mind, dear. You are worth so much better, and I really, really hope you stick with it, even if the feeling that you should stop can feel overwhelming. That's why we're here, to help you carry the load. And I for one do so gladly. Take goodcare of yourself.

I'm sorry you're still feeling so low, (((((Berries))))). Since you were too groggy to remember what your pdoc said to you on the phone and you don't see her again for another 2 weeks, perhaps you should give her a call on Monday to have her go over the new plan again. Hopefully she'll have some encouraging information and words for you to help get you through. I also hope whatever adjustments she made to your current meds begin to give you some relief - I just hate to see you suffering so.

((((((((Berries)))))))
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with these intrusive thoughts. I know that sometimes when I get really depressed it seems like there is nothing I can do to pull/push/drag my mind away from the negative thoughts. I am sad to say that I don't know what the solution is. But we are here for you! You say that you have an appointment in two weeks with your pdoc. Do you have an appointment with your T before that? I hope so. I also agree that you should call your pdoc to find out what the plan is. Please take care of yourself.

(((((((Berries)))))))
low on words, but plenty of hugs always