[ThePainNeverDies]

Sorry I haven't been around in ages. I wrote a huge reply, got interrupted, had a major blast out on someone, getting really angry and upset and actually very nearly cried in front of someone I've promised never to cry in front of when I've spoken to him about much more difficult stuff.

I'm just finding everyting impossible at the moment and I can't honestly do this anymore. Everything's just getting worse. Arguments with Connor, with friends, with this voice in my stupid skull that won't leave me alone, me being stressed and now making myself very ill. I've started purging a lot recently too which is something I promised myself I'd never do and no matter how much I try to distract myself from it, I can't just not do it

I have cut, I've tried overdosing, but been caught and I just can't stand being in the skin I'm in anymore. Connor keeps complaining that I'm losing weight too rapidly, saying that I'm at a perfectly healthy weight now, a low enough weight and he doesn't want me losing anymore, but I just won't listen which I know is dangerous and stupid.

I tried talking to my dr about it, but she just seemed unfazed, so I'm just hiding away in my new flat doing amounts of sit ups that not even people in the army do, doing weights, walking everywhere with an incredibly sore knee that I keep ignoring.

Gaaaaahhhhh! Just wish I'd go away.

[crystalrose]

maybe u should get a new dr. A dr should be concerned with your stress and illness.

[In_The_Darkness]

I second that emotion!

It's a horrible way to feel about yourself ("aaargh just go away, I hate you, I hate you!!") and it's a feeling that, I think, a lot of us here on PC feel.

I'm not good at advice so I will just say this: We here certainly do not hate you and I am positive you're loved by many. If only we could learn to love ourselves Just hang on in there and ho-pe things will get better!

Huggsies
< I_T_D >

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that so much is going on for you. Please find someone familiar wit ED's to work with you on your eating disorders. They can grab hold so tight and it can take a long time to untangle everything. The voices can be very strong and sound so convincing. But many times your objectivity lessens. I urge you strongly to see someone and get some help. You are a wonderful person. Please try and reach out. You may also want to post in the ED forum for additional support. Good luck and I am here and been there.

BB

[nowheretorun]

(((pain)))))) breathe, relax, remember stress control, take some time out for you, you are a good person who is becoming... fight the good fight but dont wear yourself out, Spirit doesnt want it that way, too messy and too violent to yourself... love happens, its in you, you are a good person, just remember that

[HatingHerReflection]

No people in the army "me" dont do that amount of sit ups lol.... I love that bit... Makes me feel special that you think of me!!

I know things are hard babe... I know that feeling all to well.... You know I will help as much as I can on the Conner side of it.... And the cutting side... The only thing I cant help you get better on is the food side of it Because Im doing bad (in my mind good).... But anything else you know Im willing to help you even if its just to call me!!

Love you girl!!

[depressedalaskan]

((((ThePainNeverDies)))) Sorry you are so hard on yourself, this is not you and you most likely know that. This is your illness getting the better of your mind. Not sure if you have ever tried this but you might want to print out your post here and share it with your doctor. We sometimes come here and explain things better than we do in person. This may not work for you but it does help me. Hope you get to feeling better soon. Hugs for your day.

[Rohag]

Hello, ThePainNeverDies

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

...walking everywhere with an incredibly sore knee that I keep ignoring.

Your current mood and your sore knee may not be obviously connected, but there could be a subtle, not-so-obvious one. Nurse your knee, and see how that affects your mood. (- An observation from the "Well, it can't hurt" department...)

Originally Posted by DepressedAlaskan

...you might want to print out your post here and share it with your doctor. We sometimes come here and explain things better than we do in person.

Great advice. Your doctor may be one of those people for whom a written document holds greater "reality" than verbal communications.

[lonegael]

I agree with the others. If you can, and I know it might not be realistic, see about getting another Dr. either she's clueless or completely jaded if what you say is accurate. TPND, I agree with depressed Alaskan. You have been at the brunt of so much lousy luck lately, the last thing you need is to start in on yourself. Don't listen to the lies. Maybe you need some adjustment in your meds to get that voice undercontroll. If not, tell it where to go and how to get there
Poor you. If I needed any proof, I now can say that not only is Depression a two-timing shameless liar but he's a bully as well. Stand up to him, and take care of yourself. Please?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks I_T_D, that reply was useful and it gave me a positive vibe. I do feel a little better now, still stressed though and just want to cry

crystalrose, I will try to see a new dr if I can.

Bipolar_Bear thanks for your reply also. I so want to reach out for help and I do see an excellent ED counsellor, but now that voice in my head is telling me to stop seeing her in December. Just stop. Make an excuse. Of course, my reasoning is that I just cannot afford it as I' already getting stressed over bills and shopping and new furniture etc and I just can't afford a lot at the moment. So I'm looking to getting a job in the evenings, like waitressing or something and hopefully volunteering for a local animal rescue where I can go horseriding, everyday or just weekends depending on how my body takes it. This is another reason I have given myself for stopping the counselling. I know the contact with animals will help me immensly, especially the fact that I will be horseriding for at least 2 hours everyday! But I don't know.. I' confused and upset and angry and just don't know what to do at the moment

I'm terrified of showing my posts to my dr because I feel that in my posts I come across as someone desperate, weak, needy, insane or something, I don't know. Maybe hopefully I'll get the courage soon to print it off and show her but I just don't know... Supposed to be having another B12 jab soon, but haven't heard anything and I know that I will have to have more blood tests to see if I have been taking he vitamin and mineral supplements they prescribed me... Ouch. (I haven't, too scared).

Thanks D, honey. I know you're here and I know you love me... I am finding everything really tough at the moment and I just flaming well wish I wasn't! You know how I feel.. I've already ranted to you over the phone about it. Sigh.

Tnank you, lonegael, rohag and depressed alaskan for your advice. I will try to follow this. I have started trying to nurse my knee now. It is causing me all sorts of mobility problems so I have been resting it up as much as possible, but been going walking for at least 10 minutes once a day to just give it some exercise, not to mention the physio exercises I have been given and I have also been taking my painkillers properly, so I think I'm doing something right.

Nowheretorun, you're so kind. When I read the bit about breathe and relax, the first thing I did was to breathe in deeply and sigh heavily. It felt so good! Thanks for the reminder

I'm still feeling very low at the moment and getting extremely aggravated and touchy over the iniest of things. I've already snapped at Connor and cried etc I just wish I didn't constantly have to put on this front. I'm tryin my hardest to just be happy, be me again, do things for me. But I'm struggling so, so much and that's so hard to admit...

[Sannah]

TPND, I am sorry that you are in distress ..............

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you, Sannah. Im feeling a little better today, but my twin's not being helpful at all. She's decided to start *****ing at me. Gahhhh!

Ahh well. Today I'm trying to chill for once..

[lonegael]

It sounds like your starting to do all the right things, TPND. Do you think you can tell the twin to back off for a bit and that you'll get back to her later? I know it doesn't always work, but it might give you some pbreathing room. Keep up the good work, oK?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I apologised for taking one of her comments the wrong way and then said that she's my twin and we shouldn't be getting so *****y towards each other and told her I love her and do care about her etc, and then she didn't answer so I just left it at that.

I'm feeling very sick after smelling Connor cooking a fry up for lunch, which was his Mum's idea... I had to eat it too and now just want to purge my life away I'm sitting here and all I can here is;

"run upstairs to the bathroom, no-one will hear you, go on. It'll help you to lose weight if you get rid of it all.." and I'm so tempted and just ahhhh! don't know what to do

[ThePainNeverDies]

Didn't go upstairs to the bathroom, just stayed chatting to people. And listened to this song, which grounded me:

[Sannah]

Very good TPND!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks, Sannah. I'm feeling a little better now after watching some videos of my trip to Prague last year and watching myself making a fool of myself attempting some stomp dance moves whilst there! Made me laugh lots

Just feeling in pain because Connor caused me to slip over by not cleaning up some water he spilled! I landed flat on my wrist and then my butt because I was holding a mug up in the air trying to stop it from smashing. It didn't smash, thankfully --- it was his younger brother's mug! Sp hurt my back and might possibly have broken one of the tiny bones in my hand! Am getting it looked at tomorrow. For now will suffer in silence!

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Thanks, Sannah. I'm feeling a little better now after watching some videos of my trip to Prague last year and watching myself making a fool of myself attempting some stomp dance moves whilst there! Made me laugh lots

Just feeling in pain because Connor caused me to slip over by not cleaning up some water he spilled! I landed flat on my wrist and then my butt because I was holding a mug up in the air trying to stop it from smashing. It didn't smash, thankfully --- it was his younger brother's mug! Sp hurt my back and might possibly have broken one of the tiny bones in my hand! Am getting it looked at tomorrow. For now will suffer in silence!

OUCH! Talk about adding injury to insult and injury. Sorry you're having such a rough time, (((TPND))) - however, you have not turned over control completely to any of your conditions - you've kept fighting all the way through, so be sure to give yourself credit for it. Please get your wrist looked at - maybe taking care of your knee and wrist (and probably your back, too) will help you better care for yourself in all of the other areas, too. I hope you are feeling better every day. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[ThePainNeverDies]

My wrist is much better today, still a little swollen and painful, but less than yesterday, thankfully and I can play my guitar again

I've had a horribly rough ride today, but somehow got through it, although I still feel like just throwing in the cloth and saying "It's over, I give up. Forever." But instead, I have said to Connor that I need this week alone, just to think about things and try to sort them out myself. Of course the plan is: Loads of exercise, clean and tidy my WHOLE flat (as in a full on blitz of the place), let pity and anger and tears pass by and say hello on the way and just stay in bed lots. Food is not included in this plan...

If anything, I'm feeling worse everyday, but I'm getting through somehow. Please don't ask how because I have no idea! I am trying to take care of my knee and back. My knee just keeps getting worse so I think I've done more to it than what others think... Hmm

[Sannah]

[lonegael]

(((((((TPND))))))) slow and steady, friend, and you'll win this race, at least. Good work, even if all is not out of the woods yet. Be rooting for you!

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

My wrist is much better today, still a little swollen and painful, but less than yesterday, thankfully and I can play my guitar again

I've had a horribly rough ride today, but somehow got through it, although I still feel like just throwing in the cloth and saying "It's over, I give up. Forever." But instead, I have said to Connor that I need this week alone, just to think about things and try to sort them out myself. Of course the plan is: Loads of exercise, clean and tidy my WHOLE flat (as in a full on blitz of the place), let pity and anger and tears pass by and say hello on the way and just stay in bed lots. Food is not included in this plan...

If anything, I'm feeling worse everyday, but I'm getting through somehow. Please don't ask how because I have no idea! I am trying to take care of my knee and back. My knee just keeps getting worse so I think I've done more to it than what others think... Hmm

I am constantly amazed at your resiliency (((TPND))) - no matter the external or internal challenges and struggles, at your very core you are a warrior, a survivor of incredibly strong will, even if sometimes that will works against you. You say that "Food is not included in this plan..." I will not pretend to really know much about the mechanics of eating disorders, but can you at least tolerate taking vitamin supplements (fish oil and/or flax seed oil capsules - the omega 3 and 6 fatty acids, B, C, D vitamins, etc.) to give your body and brain what they need to function correctly, and possibly something like Pedialyte to keep your electrolytes balanced? Electrolytes also affect brain function - feeding the brain what it needs would help improve your perception and perspective and help produce more positively directed thought. Just want you to give yourself the best possible chance of winning your war. Please take good care of yourself and let us know how it's going.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks for all your hugs and words of encouragement.

I feel absolutely wretched today. Each sentence is taking me about 5 mins to write, because I'm so weak and have been as sick as a dog. I would type more, butmy visionsgone blurry. I need to go

[Pamela Choi]

No matter what you do or if you try to talk it out with people who do not understand your situation, it hard to feel better. Sometimes, actually most of the time my friends, boyfriend, and family do not understand and when there is no one to understand you find way to vent. Whether it’s purging your food, cutting yourself or overdosing. This is way more than people can understand. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through but I want to help. Before you think about hurting yourself, you need to understand that it is hard to deal with mental issues and there is help! Let me know if the email scattered and feel free to email me prior to doing something harmful.!



Sorry I haven't been around in ages. I wrote a huge reply, got interrupted, had a major blast out on someone, getting really angry and upset and actually very nearly cried in front of someone I've promised never to cry in front of when I've spoken to him about much more difficult stuff.

I'm just finding everyting impossible at the moment and I can't honestly do this anymore. Everything's just getting worse. Arguments with Connor, with friends, with this voice in my stupid skull that won't leave me alone, me being stressed and now making myself very ill. I've started purging a lot recently too which is something I promised myself I'd never do and no matter how much I try to distract myself from it, I can't just not do it

I have cut, I've tried overdosing, but been caught and I just can't stand being in the skin I'm in anymore. Connor keeps complaining that I'm losing weight too rapidly, saying that I'm at a perfectly healthy weight now, a low enough weight and he doesn't want me losing anymore, but I just won't listen which I know is dangerous and stupid.

I tried talking to my dr about it, but she just seemed unfazed, so I'm just hiding away in my new flat doing amounts of sit ups that not even people in the army do, doing weights, walking everywhere with an incredibly sore knee that I keep ignoring.

Gaaaaahhhhh! Just wish I'd go away. [/quote]

[HatingHerReflection]

Kirsten (TPND) asked me to reply for her saying sorry about the short reply yesterday. She has now been diagnosed with Swine Flu So will not be around for a couple of weeks due to having to stay at home. She has been prescribed tamiflu and is a little better today. If anyone wants to contact her then I will PM you her number and will pass on any messages you would like to send her

Thanks
Didi