[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I am new to this site. I have many disorders including Acute Intermittent Porphyria. It causes many physical and emotional symptoms. I have severe depression when an attack is going on.
I also have a heart condition and diabetic. I am 50 years old. I am very depressed and think of death a lot to the point of acting on it. I am depressed because I lost my husband in 2004 when he died at work. It was his heart but it was very sudden. What do you do when depression gets its worse? I try to find something to do but everything seems pointless. I don't have life so bad anymore-I just got out of an abusive relationship in which he abused me mentally and physically. I have my own place now and life seems to be getting better- so why can't I get over this depression. I am on medication which I take morning and night. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone. When my family doctor asks how I am doing on my meds for depression-I say I am doing fine. I tried therapy and even the hospital a few times. I am trying to fight this depression on my own-by reading and trying to deal with it. I can't seem to win. I am to the point I really don't know where to turn now. Why can't I get over this by my self? Life and Depression!

[Briester]

Good morning Cathy. I'm very sorry to hear of your struggles with physical and mental issues, with the ex abusive relationship and with the loss of your husband. I too have these phases when I feel that things are all bad and I just can't take it anymore but then the next day or week arrives and it's not so bad anymore. It affects many if not most of us who post here and I just can't tell you how much support and love everyone on the forum gives. We all understand because we've been through it.

Sometimes it's not just as simple as us being able to get over it by ourselves. There's no reason to be embarrassed when you speak to your doctor as that's what they are there for even if at times it seems they try to rush you through. You might consider speaking with a therapist though as they're better trained to deal with emotional issues and thoughts while family docs are better trained to deal with physical ailments.

I'm happy you turned here to post and wish you a well and peaceful day. Please feel free to PM me if you need/want to chat. I'm here on and off during the day and evenings so if you see a green light under my name, I'm here.

All the best and welcome.

Chris

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( LadyCathy )))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry you are feeling bad, sending you lots of hugs
You said you tried therapy, have you tried any local support groups? Some areas have support groups that work on self help for depression, it would be something worth checking out.

[idontknow13]

(((((LadyCathy)))))
I really feel for you, I was where you are not too long ago, a very deep depression, it took time to heal. I did what my terrific T told me, I rested and tried to change a few things about myself or at least my outlook on things, I also accepted I was sick and needed to take care of myself. I also had to change my meds, the other AD had not been working for quite a while according to my psychiatrist and that is why I got in so deep. Since being on the new meds, my mood has improved greatly. I also came to this forum a lot and it helped quite a bit.
Welcome to this site, keep on posting, you will find a lot of caring and understanding people.

[turquoisesea]

to PC Cathy

First I would say - try not to be embarrased when talking to your doctor. If the meds aren't making things better don't tell him/her they ARE or s/he will assume that things are going well and won't try to fix it for you! Meds are very specific to the person taking them. If it's not helping say so! There's nothing wrong with that =)

Depression is a beast. It's hard to get over with tons of help and even harder alone. It's good that you can see the positive in your life. That's a HUGE first step and I'm so happy for you =) Keep going, taking things a step at a time. Talk to your doctor, keep trying therapy.

Thinking of you, glad to meet you and hoping things will be getting better soon

[ladycathy1]

Hello Everyone,
I am in tears right now because I did not expect anyone to answer my letter. I feel like I was all alone with this depression. I don't like to think I have to have help getting through this but I do need to see a psych. doctor. I live in a small town. I saw the doctor-years ago and it took over a month to get in. Depression is not easy to fight. The thoughts that follow these bad bouts are enough to keep me in bed. I only get out of bed because I have an old dog. She is thirteen years old. I know she will die one day.
I feel like I should go to the hospital because of the thoughts I am dealing with. Yet-I am supposed to be the strong one in my family. I had lost my step-son in December-1999. I was very close to him-he was in special education. I helped him stay in school. He always said I was the reason he was able to graduate from high school. His wife was murdered in December-2001. We were also close.
The grandchildren are now grown up. My husband had open heart surgery in 2003. He died 1 day before our aniversary-2004. All their deaths were sudden-I have nightmares everynight-I dream that people are chasing me or someone is stopping me from hurting my self. My dreams don't even give me peace.
I lost my dad in 1996 but I did not morn because he broke my trust with him. There was things done and said that can not be forgotten. He did not commit incest but he broke my trust with touching and peeping in windows at me. I still can not open my curtains or windows-anytime. I saw a therapist to deal with what he had done. Yes-I later learned he had done it to my sisters too. I stood up to him and theatened jail time when I learned that he was doing it to my sisters. My mother did not believe me-even called me names until one of my sisters spoke up. My sister said she had it done to her too. When he was dying-I helped with his care. My mother said if he had done all that to me-how could I help him now. I had to find peace with what he had done to me. I knew that when he died I would not have worry about my neices.
I thought I could deal with this depression on my own because I went to college for a few years. I studied Social Work with Psychology as my minor. I had to leave school before I could graduate. At least I have some school even though I am on disability. I find that I don't have the energy to do anything. I used to paint-read books-go fishing-go swimming when the weather permitted and just be outside. I would rather be locked in my place and never get out. I have a neighbor who is always checking on me. She told me if I did something to my self she would be very mad-at me. She is the only friend I have told of being this depressed. I don't say alot to my family. We grew up hearing the words-"what is said in this house-stays in this house." We were never one to express our feelings until we grew up. We did not hug or say I love you.
I keep saying things to my self about certain dates-only to find another reason to delay. I do have thoughts of death-a lot. Everyday-to the point-I don't know how safe I really am. I don't want to die or I would have gone ahead with my thoughts. I am searching for answers to live-to die. If I exist-what is my purpose? I know we all ask-why are we here. I wish my dreams were not so dark. I am running from people who are stopping me from self harm-yet I am running. Something I can not do because I was born with a heart defect that does not allow me to run now. I am obese. I figure if I am running in my dreams it must mean that I am fighting something. I have trouble going to sleep. Once I am asleep-I don't want to get up. I have trouble talking to anyone about things. I don't feel like my life is bad now-just severe depression. Like many others-I deal with physcial pain. I am not allowed to have pain medication because of trying to end my life-over a year ago. I don't know if the doctor will ever give me pain medication again. I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend who convinced me that life was not worth living. His verbal and physical abuse had me to the point of not thinking right. I was always the one who said Sorry! I took the overdose of pain meds. I am responsible for my actions. He
found me after a bad night of his yelling and throwing plates at me. He took a knife to his throat and was going to cut it. I grabbed his hand and told him cut mine first. He did not threaten with the knife after that but I decided to take the pain meds. I was in a coma for 24 hours on life support. The doctor in the I.C.U. did not insist I go into the psych. hospital. I wish he would have insisted more. I might have been able to get out of the relationship sooner. I was the one who had to leave. I had to get to the point of having enough. I now understand how so many abused people stay with the abusive person. They are made to feel worthless-unable to be on their own. I left because of my sisters and brothers helping me leave. It was not easy at first. I am afraid to be put in the hospital for depression-again. I don't have a bad life-now. I don't know what to do. I am ashamed to admit that I am too weak to go on with this life. I know I need help-but it might take a month to see the psych. doctor. How can I cope until then? Sorry-I wrote so much. I don't talk much to others-I am the one that listens when others have a problem. I just had to tell my thoughts to someone. What can I do until I see a doctor? I keep putting it off about seeing the doctor-I did tell my family doctor I was doing great on my medication for depression. I take Welburitin -200 mg in the morning and 100 mg at night. I don't know if I spelled it right on the medication. Thank you all for replying.

[Briester]

(((((Cathy))))

Thank you for sharing with us Cathy. You've been through so much and yet are still here which shows how strong a spirit you really have. Just don't forget that fact. I know you're taking the step to see the doctor which is very courageous. In the meantime, there actually is a pretty good book you could read if they had it in the library or I know they sell it on Amazon called "Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David Burns. It's basically CBT in a book form and there are exercises you can do which will help redirect your thinking. I've been through it once and slowly going through it again. I just stopped practicing the exercises after I got overwhelmed.

I hope you have a wonderful day and know that people here have experienced similar things and we're all here to support one another.

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I want to thank you for writing me. I try to be strong but it is not easy when all I want to do is stay in bed. I feel better if I keep my apartment dark. The darker the better. I know it is not the right thing to do. I keep my place clean-most of the time. I have to take showers everyday-just can't stand not to be clean. Some days seem better than other days-I just wish I could fall asleep at a decent hour. I then wake up several times with my nightmares. I get up-walk around and then try to sleep again. I take 5-500 mg of generic tylenol. 2 Benadryl-one melatonin-Requip for restless legs. Nothing works. I have been thinking about drinking wine or some other alcohol at night to get sleep. It is because of porphyria that I don't drink. The pain of an attack can be bad-so can the muscle weakness. Yet-I am getting close to buying something. I don't know what can help with me getting a peacefull nights sleep. Does anyone have a thought on how to get some sleep? I am going to go to the library to find the book. Monday-I also plan on walking into the mental health building here in my town. I am going to try and make an appointment. Thank you, Cathy

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ladycathy1

Does anyone have a thought on how to get some sleep?

Hi, LadyCathy1! Here are a few local and general "sleep hygiene" resources:
PsychCentral Insomnia Section
Nightmare Disorder
Tips for A Good Night's Sleep
A Guide to Sleeping Better
sleep hygiene tips Google search

[Berries]

Originally Posted by ladycathy1

I take Welburitin -200 mg in the morning and 100 mg at night. I don't know if I spelled it right on the medication. Thank you all for replying.

(((((((((((ladycathy)))))))))))

I'm sorry you are so depressed and in such distress. It sounds like you are going through an awfully painful time. I was in an abusive relationship too and even though I am finally free from it, I still struggle when you'd think I should just feel happy to be out of it.

Welbutrin has a stimulate in it. Taking part of your dose at night might be contributing to you not being able to fall asleep.

Please try and get on that waiting list for a psychiatrist. A General Practioner really isn't qualified to prescribe psych meds.

[ladycathy1]

Thank you,
I did not know that my medication for depression may be the cause of sleeplessness. I am have been reading the information on sleep and dreams. The information has been very helpful. Cathy

[shrinkingviolet]

I completely feel your pain. I understand. Where I may not have any effective advice, please know I hear you and my heart goes to you.

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I stopped the night time dose of Wellburtin 100 SR. I just want to see if I can sleep. It still took me 3 hours to fall asleep. I walk the floor-I want to be tired when I do go to bed. I have tried drinking warm milk-watched T.V. in the living room. I did not put a T.V. in the bedroom because I would stay awake all night if I did. I do sleep an hour only to get up again. The dreams I have do not help things. I wake with the nightmares. I told my family that I was thinking of seeing a psych. doctor because of my medication. Wow-did I get a reaction. I was told I did not need a psych doctor. My doctor can adjust my medications. I had all types of questions about being depressed. They do not think I need the doctor. I put on a face for everyone because I have lived with depression for so long. I am alive but don't feel like anything is fun now. I am 50 years old and don't really need their input on what I do with my life.
Last week my ex-brother-in-law cut his throat, wrists, and upper arms trying to kill himself. My youngest sister saved his life by wrapping something around his neck. The doctors sewed him up and stated that he only had seconds to live. Three days later they sent him home-no psych. meds. My sister and my ex-brother-in-law still live together. He had meth. in his system. I don't know if that is why they did not send him to the psych. hospital. We were all in shock about what he did. I don't know anything about street drugs-what I don't understand-why the doctors did not place him in a 72 hour hold at the hospital. He is very abusive to my sister-yet she called what he had done-an accident. I told her it was no accident. If she wants to call it an accident to make her feel better that is up to her. I know when I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend-I did not call it an accident but I also did not call it an attempt at suicide. I developed pneumonia from choking on my vomit. I told my family I was in the hospital for pneumonia. They still do not know what I did. I also was not put in the psych. hospital at the time. I did some fast talking about being better-won't do it again-just so I did not have to let anyone know. My ex-boyfriend was the only one who knew. It was just too hard to mention to anyone. I wish the doctor did tell me I had to go into the psych. hospital then. I might have gotten away sooner from the ex-boyfriend.
I deal with depression everyday-yet I get out of bed-don't really want to-go to a friends house-visit family-put on a fake smile-like everything is okay. I think of death so many times it seems like O.C.D. I even look up ways of dying-what is quick-what is not. I do remember a quote a nurse at one of the psych. hospitals had said-many times-"Suicide is not an option. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!"I try to remind my self everyday this quote. Here is another quote that I don't know where I heard it from but it fits my life. "Smile and the world smiles with you-cry and you cry alone." I try to find a reason to wake up each day but it is so hard to go on when the fun is out of my life. Thank you for everyone's help. I have been reading up on sleep and the meds I take. I am going to the library tomorrow to find the book. Take care, Cathy

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I did not take the night dose again. I went right to sleep. Dreams were very few or at least that I can remember. Thank you again for letting me know the antidepressent was the cause. I have had such a battle with sleep ever since I was on the medication. Thank you. Cathy

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I started taking the antidepressent again but at an earlier time. I started going down hill with the depression. I tryed to get in to see the psych. doctor but he is not taking anymore patients. I live in a small town. I was told to see my family doctor. I wanted to do therapy but the first meeting would be $98.00-after that it would cost me $75.00 for therapy. I don't know what to do. I just feel like giving up on everything-I am on Medicare 1st and Medicaid 2nd. I pay a high spenddown of $189.00
I started feeling more depressed since the holidays are getting closer. I miss my family members who are deceased. Anyone have an answer on how to get help?
Thank you, Cathy

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ladycathy1

I started feeling more depressed since the holidays are getting closer. I miss my family members who are deceased. Anyone have an answer on how to get help?

Hi! The first page of this Google search (including the related searches at the bottom of the page) might have a few good ideas to consider while you wait for more personal answers from the community here.

Edit: A recent thread on a similar topic.

[Briester]

(((((Ladycathy1)))))
I feel for you and know how difficult it can be sometimes.

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I started feeling like my depression was leaving. I was feeling great-like life might be worth living-as if I was almost on top of a mountain. Then I dropped to the bottom of the mountain. No warning-just severely down. I don't know what happened. Is this normal for depression? I don't have very good coping skills as it is. I don't feel like I should keep trying anymore. I was trying to get my life back to normal (whatever normal was) and be happy. I can't seem to win. What did I do to get this depressed? I don't know where to turn now. The family doctor is the only one I can even go to. The psych. doctor is not taking any new patients at this time. When I was feeling better-I thought I could help others-this makes me feel even worse not to be helpful. I am thankful for all the caring people on this site-at least I don't feel so alone.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hi LadyCathy

How are you doing? I really do hope that things are settling for you and that you are getting help.

If you are having trouble with sleep, Magnesium (either mega or orotate) is a good mineral to take. It helps with relaxing the body and going into rest mode. It helps with relaxing muscles too.

When I was younger I would take calcium & magnesium orotates for "cramps" they were wonderful and one orotate helps to absorb more of the other into the body.

I really do hope you know that you are most definitely not alone in this Cathy. We've all been there, some are right there now. I was good yesterday but slid this morning when I woke up. So never at one moment are you alone or on your own. There are millions of us looking up at the sky wondering if theres someone out there who understands...

Lots of hugs,
Rhiannon

Originally Posted by ladycathy1

I told my family that I was thinking of seeing a psych. doctor because of my medication. Wow-did I get a reaction. I was told I did not need a psych doctor. My doctor can adjust my medications.

Firstly, lots and lots of hugs. I think this is pretty outrageous. To tell you you don't need a P-doc? Wow. While it is true that a GP can prescribe psych meds, doesn't make them an expert. I went through that for almost 3 years and it was very frustrating, because it wasn't working. Turned out she was treating the wrong disorder. She didn't dig deeply enough to really know what was going on. And I didn't know enough at the time to realize the other parts of what was going on. They may have wanted to be helpful, but it just isn't their forte. GPs need to realize when they are out of their depth and refer you.

Originally Posted by ladycathy1

...-as if I was almost on top of a mountain. Then I dropped to the bottom of the mountain. No warning-just severely down. I don't know what happened. Is this normal for depression?
...What did I do to get this depressed?

Well, it's normal for me. It's very frustrating. It's super important to remember that _you didn't do anything_ to get this depressed. It happens. It's not something we do. That's so important to remember-- it can't be stressed enough.
You are in a small town, but are there any other towns or cities within any kind of reasonable distance where you can perhaps find a P-doc? (I've lived in a lot of small towns too, and the lack of resources can be very frustrating, so we have to look further afield than most.) Even a fair drive would be SOOOO worth it. One doesn't tend to see a P-doc --psychiatrist--nearly as often as they might a T-doc -- therapist or psychologist, so you don't need to worry that it would be a ton of trips. Meanwhile, have you asked if you can get on a waiting list for the local one? Have you looked into a therapist or psychologist locally? While they can't prescribe meds, it would be good to have someone to talk to.

Wishing you the very best luck, and let us know how it goes, ok?

[Berries]

How are you doing today ladycathy?

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I need to look to the city for psych. help. The doctor in town is not accepting any more patients. To drive to the city is 20+ miles. I don't drive long distances very well with all my other health issues. We don't have a taxi or bus service here but we do have a van for seniors. I will contact them to see if I can get a ride and go from there.
Since I hit the bottom of the mountain-I don't have the energy to do anything. I feel exhausted but can't sleep very well. Three weeks ago I was put on a beta-blocker for my heart because the rate was fast. (Porphyria related) Walking would cause me to nearly pass out. I was breathless a lot. I thought I would have more energy after being put on the beta-blocker. I did feel better but I don't know how to tell if the medication made my depression worse or it is just me. It is strange how I have trouble with my heart and other medical problems-yet I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. I am glad I can share things with others who also go through many of the same problems. I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories with me. Cathy

[Berries]

(((((((((((Ladycathy)))))))))))

Thank you for letting us know how you are doing now.
Please keep posting and letting us know, ok?

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I just found out my sister-suffers from depression. My sister's family doctor put her on an antidepressent. She told me the holidays are really rough on her. I told her she is not alone that I am on a great site which helps people with depression. I have learned things about depression. We both need to learn not to stress out over things we can not control. She told me it is making her depressed that I don't want a Christmas tree in my apartment. I told her that I don't want it because it was something my deceased step-daughter-in-law always did for me. I just don't want to be reminded. Does depression run in familys? Can depression be chronic? I once had a doctor tell me I will always be depressed. Cathy

[ladycathy1]

Hello,
I thought I was having a major depressive problem again. I went to my family doctor who sent me for tests. I had no energy and could not walk around without being drained. I was very breathless. I had a C.T. done and I have an infection around my heart. The doctor did not know the cause but put me on antibotics. I am to rest more. I learned the importance of getting a medical checkup. The depression might be caused from a physical illness. I am still fighting depression. The holidays make me want to stay inside and never leave the house. I even think of death everyday. Take care, Cathy