Any one with codependency issues?

I'm trying to detach from my ex. Very hard thing to do, and while I know I can never live with him again because of the pain and deceit of what happened between us, I keep learning new things that just keep me reeling.

I learned today his girlfriend was charged with felony drug theft. Not pretty. It bothered me to no end to figure this out and think this is a reason why he's not paying child support or wishing to help me with our home. He's more interested in making sure she's taken care of than me or our kids.

I need to detach and overcome some codependency issues I have with him. He shows a lot of behaviors that tell me he may have an addiction or a serious problem (lies even when there is no need to lie, refuses to admit he was a part of the problem in our marriage, that sort of thing).

I attended a COSA meeting last night. It was somewhat helpful to know I'm not alone in this... that i'm not the only one out there with a spouse/ex spouse who was constant cheater and liar. But, still. I don't know yet how to unwrap my head from around HIM totally and focus on myself.

I'm trying hard, but it's difficult to do. Anyone out there who's gone through this? I feel like crap so much of the time, but in a weird way, there's relief too. I know it wasn't me who was the total blame for why we're divorced, even thoough I filed. But... I'm still cleaning up the messes from our divorce too. And I keep remembering the way he was not all that long ago when he wasn't' this way. When he told the truth and was nice... not a lying mean person.

{{{{{{{{{{geekgirl}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think it is wonderful that you recognize this in you and are taking the steps to change. That is success in itself. It is not going to happen overnight....time is on your side though.

I have a different situation - my ex is dependant on me. He will call sometimes 3 or 4 times a day....I have to be cordial as we do share a son but when the subject turns to something other than our son...I politely say good bye...I have things to do, etc.

You will get through this....you were married for a long time - it is not going to go away with wishful thinking (oh if it was only that easy eh? ) but you will and can do it. Keep going to your support group - that in itself is wonderful knowing that you are not alone. Keep posting to us too....there is so much wisdom here and you will gain such insight into yourself. Have you looked into therapy for yourself to learn ways of coping? Just another thought.

Take care of you ok?


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Thanks Heather.

Yes, I have been going through counseling. I have an appt next week.

Unfortunately, he led me to believe he was only in an affair, and a lot of information came out the year during our separation that led me to believe the problems were deeper than that.

I'm glad the constant anxiety is gone that I had while we were still together. I never knew if he was telling the truth or lying to me again. He never once told me the truth through any of this it now seems like, and it keeps hittiing me like a ton of bricks. I now keep thinking my entire past with this man was a lie... it irritates the crap out of me.

Codependency? I AM codependency. Sigh.

Geek, I want to reply to your email because I was divorced a few years ago for almost the exact same reasons and I think I felt a lot of what you're feeling right now. But I'm too tired right now. I willl reply soon. I'm thinking about you in the meantime... from one geek to another... your friend... LMO

Ian is going to be a-ok!

LMo! Is something is emerging here? Maybe something important.

You came to this site to learn about your boyfriend. Am I off base thinking that perhaps you also have your own issues, too?

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

Well yes, I know that I contribute to the problem. If I didn't support him (voluntarily or not) then one would think that he'd be forced to support himself and get a job, find a place to live, pay his own rent. Etc. He supported himself when I first met him, so it's likely that he could/would do it again if he had to. But since he DOESN'T have to, one could say "well, why would he try, then?". Although I do know that it bothers him immensely to be without a job and depending on me has really hurt his self-esteem. It would hurt ANYONE's self esteem, I'd think.

Not exactly true about codependency as it relates to me. That might have been more true of me 10 years ago in my relationship with my ex-husband. I cared much more about what he thought about me, and his moods directly affected mine. My boyfriend's moods only sort of do... but I'm thinking that if I didn't still have SOME problems with codependency, then I wouldn't bother to walk on eggshells when he's feeling hypersensitive (which is very common for him when he's depressed). I don't take it as personally as I used to, though. In that sense, I'm getting better.

We all have issues. I don't think I'm depressed, at least not in the clinic sense that he is. I'm here for our relationship, not just for him, but since the absolute biggest problem in our relationship right now is that he is so stuck and nonfunctioning because of his depression, this is what I thought I should focus on. But that's a sign of codependency, too.



Ian is going to be a-ok!

LMo, you bring up a good point.

People do want to help those they care about. At what point does it become codependency? It's a healthy idea I think to try to help others when we can.

You are so on target though about moods affecting us. My ex was in a slump for I don't know how long before we split. Anything would either piss him or just make him withdraw. It made me depressed. Nothing I could say or do would give me even a positive reaction from him.

I may be too needy right now... but he has never really even acknolwedged that he's hurt me or even apologized. I really want some closure, I guess. He pulled a heck of a stunt today that just got to me. A long time ago (maybe last year), I had given him a lot of stuff to keep. I didn't want it any longer. A lot of it were his personal belongings, a few gifts he had given me like jewlery, and I'd given him a wedding album. I just didn't want it. I kept a few momentos, and that was all I wanted.

This morning, I went to get mail. I found the album at my apartment door. Not good for my mental attitude, that's for sure.

Awww {{{{{{{{{{{geekgirl}}}}}}}}}}}

I feel so bad about what happened I have an idea that I will share with you....take the album and put it away. When your children are old enough you can give it to one of them? That is what I did with the one from my wedding and I just put it in the box I keep my son's baby book and other mementos in......just a thought.

I was also thinking...have you ever tried to write down on paper what you are feeling? You could give him the letter (explaining your need for closure) or you could put it away. It may help to get it down on paper your thoughts. There may come a day you could give it to him but sometimes writing things down helps to lift your thoughts a bit.

Take care


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Thats a good idea Heather. I find when I write stuff down whether I give it to the person or not it is a relief. You just write whatever you feel or whatever pops in your head.

Sometimes I find that I realize my own feelings and why I feel that way. Putting it on paper gets it out of my swirling head and then I can look at it more objectively.

Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~ Carl Bard ~

That is a good idea. I think it would be more helpful for me to do it that way rather than sitting down behind a computer and doing it.

I think I will put the album away somewhere. I've given my kids quite a few things already.... the two oldest ones are grown and living on their own. They do like photos though. Perhaps some day when I'm more up to it, I can let them scavange the photo album so that they can use it for scrapbooking (which they all do a lot of but I don't).

Good for you geekgirl

The computer is great of course...but sometimes good ol pen and paper come in much handier and I find the words flow better too. It may be a good outlet for a lot of your feelings too...gosh I have about 5 journals now...I write daily in it...may not be much somedays but even a few lines of thoughts or feelings.

That is also a great idea about giving the wedding album to your children who do scrapbooking.....could turn into something they pass on to their children too.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Geekgirl... So sorry... I'm hurting along with you I read what you wrote... I know that must have been painful.

His "stunt" sounds like closure on his end, though. It was closure for you to give him the personal stuff, and maybe it was closure for him to give it back. Certainly seems like he was trying to make a point and it sounds pretty heartless on his end, but maybe in some very selfish way, it was making him feel better (at your expense, granted).

You might never get the apology. I never got one from my ex-husband and I really think the lack of closure slowed down my ability to heal. But, although after 4.5 years I'm still hurting from it, I now can look back and see that his refusal to let me have a final "closure" conversation and his inability to apologize really showed HIS personal weakness, not mine.

Tell him that LMo said to go suck an egg!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

LMo... I'd love to tell him to suck a lot of things. An egg would probably be the most harmless of all LOL.

I'm such a ***** with him! I know... it was him trying to communicate something to me again.

you're right though. Obssessing about it isn't going to get me to move further ahead anytime soon. I am tired of this rollercoaster ride though. Wish my life would become more serene and fun again and soon!

Well... I feel the need to post here right now.

Tomorrow would have been our 25th wedding anniversary and I'm ok, just blue and feeling mighty down and no real energy to do anything. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow after work.

I feel that I've hit a brick wall. I'll never really be truly happy again. My ex lied to me for a very long time, and using some pretty cruel and unusual methods. I am glad not to be living with him any longer and yet I still miss the person he once was. Is this strange or what? He led a duplicitous life for a few years, so he's not the person he once was.

I'm just getting through each day right now. No real happiness, no real sadness. I just am. I don't feel much right now except emptiness. I'm alone a lot of the time, although I try to make certain I do go out. But that too doesn't work all of the time... I will tend to blow off something if I'm not up to it, or if I do go out, I can't seem to really enjoy myself yet.

I haven't learned yet to really laugh again or to smile again. People tell me I have a "bubbly" personality when they meet me. But I can't maintain that image for long. It's really hard for me to do. I used to be very outgoing and happy with myself. Now, after all of this, I feel as one of the best things I was is long gone.

I can definitely identify with the way you are feeling. I simply exist from moment to moment, hour to hour. I have isolated myself to the point of basically not having any friends anymore, with the exception of one that I see once a week or so.

Hang in there. You're not alone.

Ang