[not_an_idealist]

I am not sure that I am posting in the right place since I am feeling more "short tempered" than sad, but my sanity assessment test assessed that I was "depressive".

I am turning 42 this year and it seems that some major underlying anger is coming to a head. I used to be able to control this by comforting myself (meditation, exercise, etc) but now it seems that I am unable to control my explosive reactiveness. I thought by now, I would have figured out a way to deal with my past experiences, but it seems I'm only getting worse.

My father was not fatherly at all when I was growing up. A drunk, angry, emotionally abusive, moderately physical as well as other abuses he delivered on a daily basis. I witnessed his infidelity and it just goes on and on. Somehow, my mother tolerated him and continues to live with him now, complaining about him every single day. She was no angel herself, not very affectionate and highly critical, depressive amongst other things. None of them had a clue that I had been failing in most of my classes since the 7th grade because they were so unavailable as parents.

Now I have a child and my mind cannot handle the affection given to him from my father, in particular. I want my baby to get all the love he can handle, but when it comes from my dad, it feels seedy somehow. My dad loves my son so much, always telling me what he did during the day. I get sick to my stomach when I hear these things or especially when he's holding him. I take it out on my dad in a way that is not a typical, or a "sane" response to any action. The littlest things elevate my annoyance and anger with him. I.e., today he was watching a children's teaching program and argued that they were incorrect in their use of grammar. My dad is from Holland and has a 3rd grade education! I hate this man!!!! He tries in his little ways to please me, making me specific meals or buying me something from the supermarket, etc. He isn't quite the piece of crap he was when I was growing up, but I find myself letting him have it at the drop of a hat. I am telling myself to stop as I'm yelling, but it's not happening. This behavior carries over to my mom and sadly, my baby's father (and every other man that has been in my life). It has to stop and I don't seem to have any inkling how to stop it. The anger is not new, it just seems overwhelming and it makes me feel like an unstable adult. I don't want my child to grow up with this anxiety. I overcompensate with love toward him, but I know that's not going to erase memories of mom being on edge around important people in his life.

[Elana05]

Hi not_an_idealist,

Welcome. I hope you find some help and comfort here.

It sounds like you had a tough time growing up with this man. It's no wonder you're having these feelings now. I can relate to your description of overwhelming anger - as I have had that in my own life (with my family). I have found therapy very helpful. Do you see anyone? Or are you considering it?

E

[not_an_idealist]

Thank you so much Elana05. For a moment there I felt a little alone with no responses I do now feel comfort here - all it takes is the one voice. I'm trying to figure out what I should do. I have been to therapy but it doesn't help me change my behavior (reactivity), just identify why I have it. It may help moderately for a little while but as time passes, I realize that I'm right where I was before. I've spent alot of money on it. I feel like I need something that will help me change as a person and unlearn how I always react - learn new tactics on how to cope. I swear - I'm this close to medicating myself!!!

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Not_an_idealist!

Your post indicates you've already invested much in self-analysis, and your conclusions should be taken seriously. You've identified both long-term and short-term challenges. I believe you are in the right place, and there are several other right places for you at PsychCentral: survivor of abuse/parental absence, adult child of a "drunk" (alcoholic?), depressive, possibly others (anxiety?).

PsychCentral's Online Resources

Anger Management Resources

• Mayo Clinic
• American Psychological Association

Anger, especially my own, frightens me. You're targeting one of the big problems, and the more resources you can bring to the fight the better.

[SophiaG]

Have you considered an anger management class?

Also I think it is a good thing that your father loves your son even though your dad didnt give you what you wanted when you were a young child.

[not_an_idealist]

Thank you so much Rohag and SophiaG. I actually have thought about taking anger management classes. Also thought about just purchasing a punching bag as sometimes that's what I feel like doing, punching something hard

[toniahoward]

I understand your pain because my dad is an alcoholic and was when I was a kid too...The reason that you are doing these things is because you want to know why he couldn't be good to you when you were young, why he couldn't be sober, why did he have to abuse me, What did I do to deserve this and so on you get my point? I really think a theropist would help you move past the abuse and conflict with your father...I hope I have helped

Hello, not_an_idealist. I had a lot of anger, bitterness and resentment for many years. Things changed when I started the process of forgiving. I realize many do not agree. I can only relate what helped me.

http://www.commonsensepsychology.com/forgiveness.php
http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/37768

Be well.

[Elana05]

Maybe meds and punching bag too.

[not_an_idealist]

Yeah, I'll be able to be forgiving with the help of meds and a punching bag! I started off many years ago being the forgiver. I am the one in the family who likes to fix things. My mom told me at age 11 what one of my worst memories was about as a two year old. My dad was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed and blood and tears dripping down his face. I couldn't understand why she was standing angrily on the other side of the room. I was screaming at her to help him and she wouldn't and he rolled to the ground. I didn't know if he was dead or what. I was freaking out and my mom just threw me a towel from across the room to wipe his face with. I was so angry with her for so many years for that. Well, found out that my mom had just come home to find me wandering by myself in the back yard. She knew something was up so she went inside the house to find my dad fooling around with the 13 year old maid that she had brought here from Mexico to try and help. She beat the crap out of him and her.

For some reason when I heard this story, it brought to light how horrible my dad was. All the memories of "older-brother" style torture through the years and his bad temper. He would get his face right into mine - his face would be bright red and shaking, mad about something like spilling milk or inappropriate acts with us, his daughters. A big one was (I come from a family of artists) when I would draw or sing or dance, he would make fun and put down and laugh and laugh. Squelched a basic childhood right instantaneously! A flood of memories came to light and I started to hate him. I was uncomfortable with this and I started to look for reasons he might be like this. There were lots. So I kept forgiving him and telling my mom to forgive him. I was his biggest advocate. But for me, it didn't change what challenges in life that I have to face, strictly based on the issues he implanted in my brain that would not have existed if he say, would have died or left when I was a baby (I know that sounds silly).

He went on to be who he is. Me later on witnessing his infidelity AGAIN and embarrassing drunken episodes and his negativity and the dumb ways he thinks - and yet now, he gets to live so comfortably. In his big recliner 24/7 watching TV and eating and eating all the meats he can eat. His nightly bottle. My sister's and I have personality traits that mess with our lives in a bad way. Tho' I know that mine will probably get better, I cannot ignore the fact that I am going to be 42 and still am stifled by my issues while my friends around me have flourished, I have to work 10 times as hard to get through the most basic parts of adulthood. I am an artist for a living now (I had to push through a thick wall to attain that goal), and I still cant have people watch me in the process - I don't take criticism well, the list of roadblocks goes on and on and I don't think forgiving him is going to change that.

[not_an_idealist]

But you're probably right, TheByzantine, I probably need to get to that place again.

[Elana05]

I don't forgive my Dad. Why should I? I know his mom was unfair to him. So? It was up to him to be able to ask for help so that he could be better than that. The best I can do is to say "mistakes were made." I still love him (in many ways) but I don't forgive him. Same goes with my mom.
Just sharing.

E

[not_an_idealist]

I totally agree with you Elana05. At this point in my life, trying to be forgiving just drives me crazy with guilt. I feel guilt when I'm unsuccessful in my forgiveness phase and I slide back into anything that doesn't resemble forgiveness. This is probably why I feel so much discomfort inside right now - because I'm finding it excruciatingly difficult to become the person I'd like to be and be able to put away the person that I actually am altogether. Does that make sense?

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by not_an_idealist

I totally agree with you Elana05. At this point in my life, trying to be forgiving just drives me crazy with guilt. I feel guilt when I'm unsuccessful in my forgiveness phase and I slide back into anything that doesn't resemble forgiveness. This is probably why I feel so much discomfort inside right now - because I'm finding it excruciatingly difficult to become the person I'd like to be and be able to put away the person that I actually am altogether. Does that make sense?

I think you have hit on something... because I spend a lot of time also wanting to "become the person I would like to be" and trying to move away from "the person that I am." But how can we do it? I mean, on the one hand it's important to want to change, but on the other hand there is a lot of goodness to be had by just accepting who you are, you know?
Hmm.
I know that for most of my life it was not possible for me to get angry. I had no room to get angry as a kid. First, my mom's anger always surpassed mine and anyone else's, and then I was basicallly told that my feelings were not important and did not matter. I couldn't tell my dad about them because he had already left once with the divorce and might leave me behind again.
So now (because of therapy etc) I realize that I had every right to be angry. Anger is such an important emotion, I think. And a good one to take to therapy. I think it is possible to be angry at your parents (or family) and love them as well. It's a way of saying "hold on, something was not right with this situation." I'm hoping that over time this emotion will die down and be replaced with acceptance, inner peace. But for now it feels right to feel this emotion that I have been denied (for various reasons) for so long.

E

Forgiving is not condoning nor reconciling. It is a process that allows you to jettison the anger, bitterness and resentment that prevents you from having a more meaningful life.

I will say no more. It is your life and you can choose how to live it.

I wish you well.

[not_an_idealist]

TheByzantine, I respect what you have to say. There is alot to be said about forgiveness. I guess I just really don't know how to do it right now. Like I said before, I feel like forgiveness has already taken place, in that time we have talked and laughed alot with eachother, but anger comes back anyway. Maybe I have to forgive myself for being the person that I am and not worry so much about him. Or, maybe forgiveness will come easier toward him once I forgive myself.

I actually just let him have it today. I told him why exactly I felt resentment toward him, almost every little detail. I let him know he failed and so did mom and it was an insult to me and my sisters to deny the experiences we all shared. I understood that some of those things would be hard hear no less admit to oneself, and though I don't want him to flog himself everyday for what he had put us through, I had to let him know that it would make us feel better if he looked for some sort of path of redemption, not just sit there watching TV on his comfy chair everyday. He agreed, but I know him. Some pursuit will take place for a few days then quickly fart out. But at least I got it off my chest for now. I'm not as angry. Now - onto pursuing my contentedness. Thanks for the words. I really felt help here toward healing, I'm not kidding!

[rawwar]

Forgiveness and healing are two different things. It sounds like you've worked on forgiving but haven't gotten as far as you'd like with healing. The one bit of advice I'd have is don't beat yourself up over what you feel like you ought to do or how you ought to feel. You do what you are able and feel how you feel. Feelings don't go away just because you think you're not supposed to have them. They become manageable and less controlling of you once you are able to accept and deal with them.

As for your dad with your child, I also came from an abusive background and my dad is much the same. He is so kind and patient and loving with my kids when he never was with me. I have tried to deal with my feelings about my father, but also be glad that there is something in him that desires to love my child. Honestly, when I see him gazing lovingly at one of my kids, I feel like for the first time in my life my dad and I are on the same side.

One last thing, the thing which actually lead me to admit I was depessed and get on med this episode was that I had no control over my anger. In my case, it was directed at my kids, which is not cool, but my doc told me that often depression seems to remove the pause/edit button most of us rely on. Meds really helped with that.

Hang in there
!