I Feel So Alone

I feel so alone, and I don't think I really care anymore..I have a hard time caring about anything right now. Everytime I take a chance on people I always seem to choose people who will hurt me, whether they mean to or not. So I feel, what's the use? I don't want to bother putting the effort out that it takes to meet new people when I am so subconsciously drawn to those who end up hurting me. And if they don't then I subconsciously sabotage the relationship. I really wanted to change my life and stop my isolation, even if it was just online, but it seems I am simply addicted to being alone. I am too comfortable with it, even as painful as it is. It just isn't worth getting my hopes up for a fullfilling relationship when everytime I think I'm going to have one something ends up killing it. I'm so tired of the heartache and disappointment.

Why do you think you subconsciously feel you should be alone? Don't you feel you deserve friendship?

Do you think it's because of bad self esteem?

I don't subconsciously feel I should be alone. It's that I am so afraid of rejection that I subconsciously seek it out or create it in my relationships. No matter how much counseling (years), or meds I get on, I still do the same things or am attracted to the same kinds of people. It's a self destructive pattern I can't shake. And everytime it happens my self esteem takes another step down.

I'm so sorry. i had that problem as a kid. then relationships with men as an adult, though a trauma cut that. esteem for me. it all about esteem i didn't deserve it. and if they were healthy, I'd sabotaged it. couple different things helped me, though I'm still a pretty private person. one...therapy. now I'm going to say this...but i am NOT a preachy person. my faith was so important. to know someone loved me just for me. that saw all my faults but i was precious in his eyes. so then after a LONG while it started to sink in. someone loved me unconditionally. if it's God or another person that knows you well. and you can't push away. but if you just can't figure it out...therapy is a good start. they can pull out what's buried so deep. sorry i don't have anything else. hope you didn't mind the faith reference.
keep trying

Thanks Nikki, I don't mind the faith reference, but I want someone physically in my life, or at least some online companionship...Someone who wants to spend time with me more than anyone else. And I have had therapy, probably 10 plus years accumative or more. It has taught me what my problem is, but it's me who's been unable to alter my behavior....I end up with the same people, or make bad decisions that sabotage things. I really think I am so use to being alone since my teen years when being alone was much safer for me than being with the bully I put up with through those years. Problem was, it was hard to trust anyone after experiencing that, and it still is, even though I'm over 50 now. I'm still drawn to unsafe people.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lonely. I understand having a strong desire to be in a relationship and seeking out unhealthy relationships. After my last relationship with a very immature guy who raised his low self esteem by putting me down, I decided that I wouldn't get into another relationship unless I was really sure about it. I still experience a lot of loneliness, but I fill it up by spending time with my friends and talking to you guys too now that I've joined this forum. Hope it's helping you to talk about it.

(((((((((((((((horsecab)))))))))))))))
iam sorry you feel so alone , u know you can talk to me well i might not always online but iam here for you

((((( horsecab ))))) I wish I had suggestions for you. But I too am woefully alone. Its excruciatingly painful for me. to the point where I sleep to be out of the pain of it all. I wonder if you would be eligible for any 12th step programs. such as al-anon if you have a family member who drinks ( or used to drink and lt might have effected you ). Its kind of a safe way to be with people who seem to bond. But also a safe arena to talk about the struggle with relationships. I actually was in AlAnon and ACOA when I was in my 30s and I felt safer in the world. I will say that it did help me to safely bond to people there.
safe hugs for you

(((Horsecab))))
May you find strength from you're PC friends

Hi (((horsecab)))! I can really relate to your situation. I am 60 and have had my share of failed relationships over the decades. I grew up in an abusive home - unfortunately, those of us with abusive backgrounds tend to be attracted to abusers throughout our lives because those people and relationships are familiar, and we did not develop healthy boundaries in our formative years. This means that we don't recognize the signs of abuse early on in relationships - no red flags or alarms to warn us that we're with the wrong person until the abuse is so obvious as to be undeniable and the damage is already done. Although I have been married 3 times and had other relationships, I have lived alone most of my life and haven't dated anyone in the past 11 years; but, I'm perfectly okay with it. I have found that it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person, especially an abuser - it just takes too much out of you and, as you said, it's too damaging to your self-esteem and just takes too long to recover.

You said, "but I want someone physically in my life, or at least some online companionship...Someone who wants to spend time with me more than anyone else." There's nothing wrong with wanting such companionship, but I have found that it is necessary to develop that kind of a relationship with yourself first before you can hope to have one with someone else; otherwise, you are going to continue to seek validation of your self-worth from others which is like chum in the water for hungry predator abusers.

It sounds to me like you are more focused on whether or not you fit into the lives of others, instead of focusing on whether or not they fit into yours. When you give others the power to judge and assign value to you rather than valuing yourself, you are actually inviting them to control how you feel about yourself - giving them control over your self-esteem. You must define and set healthy boundaries to protect yourself, and develop realistic criteria for determining who is allowed to venture beyond it; otherwise, it's like leaving the front door wide open and allowing anyone passing by to walk into your "house."

The fact that you subconsciously self-sabotage your relationships may be a good thing - perhaps it is a defense mechanism you have developed on a subconscious level to get you out of abusive relationships before irreparable damage is done. As for your difficulty with trusting others - we can never know another person well enough to trust them implicitly, so the important thing is to learn to trust yourself - become the type of person you can respect and trust to act in your best interest regardless of the behavior of others or the circumstance. No one else can give you self-esteem because it is not theirs to give; once you have developed your own self-esteem, no one can take it away from you because you won't allow them to take what is not theirs.

Whatever way you want others to treat you, treat yourself that way first - treat yourself with respect, consideration, patience, compassion, and love so that you don't have to beg these things from others and you can be better prepared to participate in an equal relationship with someone who treats themselves and you the same way. Don't give up on what you really want, just start with yourself first. lynn09

(((((((((((((((( horsecab ))))))))))))))))

Thanks so much everyone for your response. It helps my loneliness to see such caring thoughtful replies. It's so hard for me to reach to others too, cause I have avoidant personality disorder. But I have been in group therapy for about a year and a half, and recently I have started connecting with them more, (well, one person at least). It's a good beginning for me to talk to someone outside of the group and do things with them occasionally. It took a year and a half to feel that comfortable, but it's progress. Thanks again...

(((((Horscab)))))) I have "avoidant personality disorder" also. For me, it causes excruciating pain. I am sorry that you have had to grapple with this dx. I am glad though that you are in a therapy group and are now connecting with someone outside the group.

I am in my 50s I have always felt alone even when I was in a relationship it was hard for me. I have low self estime and cannot believe that anyone could possibly like me as my parents always told me how no good and worthless. Some part of me knows this is not true but having been used by people I trusted I found it hard and it still effects me now. I treat people as I'd like to be treated and dont allow anyone to take advantage of me like they used to when I was young. I keep things in which does not help my emotional state. My life is good now but I still have deep dark days that I dont know how to get away from. I went to bed last night saying a mantra to myself and promising myelf that this morning I would wake up and try to be happy. Its helped a bit but I feel so anxious. This year started really badly for me depression wise and although its eased off a bit I would just like to wake up one morning and be able to get throuh the day feeling ok and able to cope and not feel so lonely and unloved. I just have no energy for anything except going to work. sorry for this but I just needed to get this out as I am feeling so bad right now and am fed up of weeping all the time. I feel so lost.

I understand the need for companionship, and about being alone and picking badly. Strangely, I finally found someone really nice, and all I feel is that I am a burden on them when I feel bad or am having issues, and that they should have picked someone better. They tell me I am not a burden, but deep down, I just can't shake that feeling.

Lilleth, and PitchBlack,
Others always tell me that I need to focus on loving myself first. I know it's very hard when you have old patterns entrenched in your mind. It's okay that you got it out Lilleth, I understand. I hope you both have some therapy available to help you work through some of these feelings. It does help. I hope you feel better...

Hi horsecab, i just read what you posted. i too feel alone. And i feel alone here. i know it is just my depression getting the better of me, plus loneliness. The few friends i have live in other states and i have not seen my Pdoc for two weeks now. i no longer have a Tdoc and i am a 24/7 caretaker of my mom. i do not go to movies, or anything much for fun. i play on the computer, i watch movies, and i cook, clean, give medications, go food shopping and drive my mom to doctor appointments. So...I get what i can when i can. i too pick the wrong people to make friends. i am very intimidated by the healthier people. i feel i have to hide so much about the mental illness and the doctors etc. And i am no longer able to go to places where other normal people hang out. But you never know... maybe tomorrow will bring something new for you and me. i really have not provided you with any support. i do apologize. i believe i just wanted to talk. Please excuse me.

Two of the most basic and important forms of support folks at PsychCentral offer one another is acknowledging others' feelings and expressing shared feelings.

Horsecab, Bmeyeho2 -- thank you and Happy New Year!

I am very alone. It is hard to have to hide so much from people as they ask how I am and I say great !!! But inside I am crying and having panic attacks. And I too do not feel worthy. I related to a lot of what you said. I am glad you wrote here.