[beautifuldisaster78]

Not really sure where to put this post. So the "general" category seemed like a good idea. Mostly, I just wanted to see if anyone understands this.

I went to therapy today. When I went earlier in the week I was much worse. But today was a little better. However, I have been desparate. In fact, when I went before I fully expected to be admitted somewhere right then and there. Not that I wanted to be- but in all honesty an escape didn't sound like a bad idea.

So I went in today, and although am less in the "fog", I left feeling like I wonder if I actually attempted suicide, I'd get some help. and.. since I haven't been eating due to depression/anxiety I thought maybe when i become skinny and sick...then someone will help.

Fact is, I know my therapist cares and is not holding out on me when it comes to help. I know my family loves me, and they are not holding some magic formula that could help me and refusing to give it to me. Yet I still feel like crying out... BEGGING for help. But there is none. There's got to be something inside of me that changes. That changes my attitude and my thoughts and really... the help that I'm going to get, relies on me.

and that is a very, scary, disheartening thought. An attempt at suicide, starving myself to death, it's not going to change anything... I'm not going to get any more help than I already am, because there is none out there.

And though I am a Christian, I am tired of hearing to rely on God, and surround myself with positive people, etc... etc... I hate being around people. In a way it's a relief- to know that I can stop looking for that person out there who will save me from myself. And in a way it's terrifying. Because I don't think I can save me. So know what do I do.

Hello, beautifuldisaster78. Your thoughts hit home. You need some relief. Please talk to your therapist about the pros and cons of inpatient. Printing a copy of your post for the therapist might be helpful. You need more help than you are getting. Ask your therapist what your options are and choose what is best for you.

[beautifuldisaster78]

Thanks Byzantine. I did talk a little about inpatient options but I just don't think a week or two stabilization place is going to do anything for me and I can't afford to stop working long enough to go anywhere else. I just don't understand why when I know the answers (coping skills, etc..) I can't apply them. Why when people have done everything for me there is to do- when ultamitely it's up to me and I screw it up.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by beautifuldisaster78

Not really sure where to put this post. So the "general" category seemed like a good idea. Mostly, I just wanted to see if anyone understands this.

I went to therapy today. When I went earlier in the week I was much worse. But today was a little better. However, I have been desparate. In fact, when I went before I fully expected to be admitted somewhere right then and there. Not that I wanted to be- but in all honesty an escape didn't sound like a bad idea.

So I went in today, and although am less in the "fog", I left feeling like I wonder if I actually attempted suicide, I'd get some help. and.. since I haven't been eating due to depression/anxiety I thought maybe when i become skinny and sick...then someone will help.

Fact is, I know my therapist cares and is not holding out on me when it comes to help. I know my family loves me, and they are not holding some magic formula that could help me and refusing to give it to me. Yet I still feel like crying out... BEGGING for help. But there is none. There's got to be something inside of me that changes. That changes my attitude and my thoughts and really... the help that I'm going to get, relies on me.

and that is a very, scary, disheartening thought. An attempt at suicide, starving myself to death, it's not going to change anything... I'm not going to get any more help than I already am, because there is none out there.

And though I am a Christian, I am tired of hearing to rely on God, and surround myself with positive people, etc... etc... I hate being around people. In a way it's a relief- to know that I can stop looking for that person out there who will save me from myself. And in a way it's terrifying. Because I don't think I can save me. So know what do I do.

There is also the option of outpatient but intensive therapy, there's different forms, I didn't notice where you are from, but there can sometimes be a few choices between, 3 days a week to 5-6 days a week,CBT, DBT, and others, if inpatient sounds to terrifiing or too anything. By doing this you have some therapist to see you on a consistant bases, and could better inform your therapist if you need more than how many times you see her, and/or if inpatient would be the best. Also this why its my experence you might be taken more seriously if you go inpateint and can get more out it before the insurances start in. You may not feel that you can save you(thats great insight) So you know you need more, but you also know that Suicide and starving yourself is not the answer(again great insight) I'd like to incourage you to consider calling you Therapist for an emergency sesion, and like it was already said above, print out you thoughts/feelings and share them with her. All feeling are real feelings and they deserve valadation, you can learn to change them, but they are your feelings. Isolation only makes some thoughts stronger even when you are aware they are not the answer. Thats why sharing thim is a safeplace is so powerful. Good luck and if you can, let us know you are ok.

[beautifuldisaster78]

Problem is I live in a small town and the only mental health place here (both for inpatient and intensive out patient) I work at. So I'd have to go out of town somewhere which means losing work and I'm a single mom. Ugh! I feel so trapped!! Help is literally elusive. And I'm not sure it would do any good anyway you know? Like I said before I've got to do something about me. I'm just not sure where to start. Thank you for your replies. It's good to just have people listen sometimes. I'm very isolative (is that a word?) and don't talk much to people.

Originally Posted by beautifuldisaster78

So I went in today, and although am less in the "fog", I left feeling like I wonder if I actually attempted suicide, I'd get some help. and.. since I haven't been eating due to depression/anxiety I thought maybe when i become skinny and sick...then someone will help.

This really resonates with me Beautifuldisaster. I've lost count of how many times I think something like this hoping that someone, anyone, will notice me and somehow make my life a little easier...

And I, like you, know that it has to come from within.

Originally Posted by beautifuldisaster78

I don't think I can save me. So know what do I do.

And I also worry about this too. Though atm I couldn't care less about saving myself. I'm sorry that I don't have any real help or suggestions for you. The only thing I can think of is to tell your T exactly what you've posted here. I've told my (old) T so many things that I thought would horrify her and make her stop seeing me or caring about me, and she never ever did (My T was awesome ). I'm sure your T will be the same. In fact I think this need to be saved/rescued is something that Ts commonly see, so it doesn't make you a bad person or anything

All the best,

*Willow*

Hello, beautifuldisaster78. I am sorry you have few options, I go back once more to talking to your therapist. Keep on asking what your options are. What you can do differently that may make a difference. Keep on asking until you know.

If you have tried the options currently available to you where you reside, ask your therapist about the availability of assistance programs you might be eligible for somewhere else.

I do not make that suggestion lightly. Your children can sense how well you are doing. They need a healthier Mom. So do you, Mom.

[kreg]

[quote=beautifuldisaster78;1815090]Not really sure where to put this post. So the "general" category seemed like a good idea. Mostly, I just wanted to see if anyone understands this.

I went to therapy today. When I went earlier in the week I was much worse. But today was a little better. However, I have been desparate. In fact, when I went before I fully expected to be admitted somewhere right then and there. Not that I wanted to be- but in all honesty an escape didn't sound like a bad idea.

Start doing what you can to clear obstacles. Look closely at your attitudes towards and the way you treat others. You have to understand where the other is coming from-his/her reasons for being rude, mean etc. That is over look and forgive. Don't retaliate! With what you give the same is returned to you. Clear your mind of this type of bad habit. Realize your actions reinforce established habits.

[billieJ]

dear beautiful ~ i am so familiar with how U feel that i feel useless in offering advice. I do know how it is to work for the mental health service, all the while needing those same services. The good part of this is that you come much closer to knowing how your patients feel and what to say to them, than do people who have not experienced this level of depression. In that way, you can offer superior service to others. Have U thought of calling hotline #'s for someone to talk to? Also, the above advice of printing out your note for your therapist to read sounds excellent. I know how hard it is to rely on the positive when you are feeling so negative, but i feel that belief in higher power is most important to achieve for peace of mind. Your tendency to self isolate mirrors my own. Again, however, this tends to only make things worse, as we stay alone and ruminate on our own problems. Reaching out to help others takes our minds off ourselves and keeps these negative reflections from becoming habitual. How often I have "hoo-hawed" , with my puny BS degree in psychology, and my diagnosed major depression, the advice of my good father, who has, without benefit of treatment of any kind, saved himself from depression by doing the following: "count your blessings;" and "get out among people." It doesn't sound like it would be that helpful, but if you can do it, i sincerely believe that it is.

[beautifuldisaster78]

Thanks for all the advice. Been off for a couple of days due to being sick. makes things always worse emotionally too I've found out. Anyway I did talk to my T about what I posted above. His response was something like "I'm sorry you don't feel like I'm helping you." Ugh! That wasn't the point at all. So then I felt guilty for making him feel that way *sigh* He does help me. More than he knows I'm sure because I show little emotion in sessions. I tend to back away then comtemplate on one or two points later.
to Byzantine- thanks. my children do feel it. They stress when I am more stressed and it sucks I am trying to get better for them and actually am still alive because of them. I would have ended it long ago if they were not in my life.
Billie- i agree with the empathetic part of working in psych but it's still really hard. I feel hypocritical most days. However- you're right about doing things for other people. When I was young and hospitalized my dad told me this and I took offense to it, I thought he was saying to get over myself and help someone less fortunate. I realize now that he wasn't saying that, he was saying that helping others helps us. and it does. i need to find somewhere to be invovled. the "getting out among people" is the absolute hardest. without the computer screen to seperate- im not much of a people person. i think most the reason is i dont beleive i have anything to bring to a relationship and dont want to be a burden on others.

[roses4me]

So I went in today, and although am less in the "fog", I left feeling like I wonder if I actually attempted suicide, I'd get some help. and.. since I haven't been eating due to depression/anxiety I thought maybe when i become skinny and sick...then someone will help.

First, I absolutely love your name, original.

Everytime I ask for help, I have to meet with a new social worker and I have to spend over an hour telling my story. And they always ask, ' are you suicidal.' I feel like asking , 'if I say yes, will I get help.' Because for all the times that I have said no, I just get put on waiting lists. The last time I was put on a waiting, I was told it would be a year so after a year, I wentback in and was told that I had to reapply in another district and start at the bottom of the wait list again. sigh