Anyone else like this?

Hey everyone.
I'm sorry I barely post- it's just easier to not really post than be a burden and fail at supporting anyone.... I was just wondering if I could get your opinion on this...

My depression is not severe- it's just.. chronic. I have good weeks...And good days too! But sometimes, they just change, and I feel depressed.
My sleeping habits aren't really disturbed. On bad days, I eat a lot more than I usually do though. Sometimes, I have problems sleeping though.
I SI.
I don't ever feel like going out... and I feel totally isolated from my friends.
When I go out with them, I just sit completely in silence until someone asks if I'm awake and alive. =\
I guess it's because I always feel like what I say is really unimportant, and no one hears me anyway.
I have times when I really rather not get out of bed.
I'm moody and temperamental. On totally bad days though, I can't focus. And I'm studying in a high stress faculty.
I can still get on with my life... Usually.

Think this warrants antidepressants?

crash&burn,
It is normal to not be able to support others at times. And you aren't burdening those of us who are in a place to support you. Some days I can, some days I can't. That's what PC is all about.
Based upon what you wrote, my suggestion would be to explore taking anti-depressants. They won't cure you; they won't work immediately, but if you find the right one, I've found them to really be helpful. I've been on anti-depressants for many years - still have up and down times, but know taking them keeps me more stable, focused and able to interact in life.

Wow crash and burn - literally could have written this myself - I too am wondering after 14 months of psychotherapy whether I should "give in" and go for meds instead. I would therefore also be interested in any replies you get.

How long have you had these symptoms?

@SoupDragon:
This has been going on, on and off since I was 13 years old. I'm now 21. My school counselor suggested I go for the meds, we tried everything else.... I'm just still so uncertain! I'm just wondering if I haven't been totally honest with my counselor, or maybe I didn't try hard enough or something, I dunno

Thank you Leo! I guess because I CAN interact when I need to, i'm debating.
I'mn a fairly decent public speaker-> but everything just seems so bland. Life just seems too bland... The only reason I do anything is because I have specific goals If I didn't, I wouldn't get up in the morning. I use that as motivation to do anything. It's the only thing I have.

I don't ever feel like going out... and I feel totally isolated from my friends.
When I go out with them, I just sit completely in silence until someone asks if I'm awake and alive.
Life just seems too bland..

Ah, Crash&Burn - but the feelings I've pulled from your posts tell me that you want more than to just interact during the times when you have to, to meet your goals.

I can always put on a happy face and speak to the topic when required at work. But school and work aren't what gives us a complete life. We need/want to interact with our friends and family - and that is where taking the anti-depressants has helped me. It sounds as though you have tried many non-med approaches and it isn't working. The combo of meds and therapy just might help you move forward and have more happiness in your life.

It isn't an easy decision to make I know. But I will never go off meds now that I know how it has helped me. I equate my anti-depressant to the insulin that diabetics use in order to carry on in life, or to the anti-rejection med my hub has to take to keep his transplanted liver functioning.

Just mentioned those things in case you might feel there is a stigma about taking an anti-depressant...

I can't put myself in a position where people could know about this... because in my career, if people lose confidence in me, people WILL die.
I'm doing medicine. And to be honest, I just want to graduate.
If I didn't want this all my life, I'd be done. I'd be in bed, perpetually. I know that.
No one really cares about me. I'm easily forgotten.
If I die, people will mourn for a few days maybe... And then life goes on. I haven't made a lasting impression on anyone, and I never will.
People can NOT hear from me for months on end, and it won't bother them. It bothers me :P but not them.

Hi again C&B - the only place that feels safe to be for me is at work - although I do not feel I am functioning optimally there, it is at least something I can focus on to some extent and as no-one there knows how I feel inside, I can sort of escape things for a while and pretend that things are different. Right now I'd give anything not to have to go to work this week, I am so tired and would love to just spend time in bed, but I know if I give in and do that, it will be so hard to ever get out of bed again and go into work. Also once I have been open with myboss etc. about my struggle, there will no longer be a need to hide it and I think that would given me the excuse to take more time off and lead to a downward spiral. Although it is hard, I do think we need to push on with daily life wherever possible. I too feel I am easliy forgotton, people may be sad for a while, ask themselves why they didn't do more, why they didn't notice, but life does nove on doesn't it? So for me it is not so much others that keep me going, but having a responsibility to my self and faith that things will get better. I bought 5 ducklings 2 weeks ago - they are really cute and at the moment a real reason to get out of bed as I feel responsible for them. Sometimes I wish I hadn't got them, particularly when I am feeling so tired, but I know they are good for me.

You suggest that your symptoms aren't severe - how severe would they need to be for you to re-evaluate this? Also what are the pros and cons for you about taking meds?

Whoa, ducklings! Interesting pet choices
I'm without a pet. I'm pup sitting my aunt and uncle's 16year old jack russell at the moment though.He's too cute. But old, and doesn't play much anymore But I still really like him.

It's the same with me. I'm responsible for myself- so I keep going. If I don't, I feel worse, because I feel more and more like a failure than normally. I need to finish. And I'm petrified of failing. PETRIFIED. I failed already and I went crazy. If I didnt already have plans when I found out, I would've been in bed. However, I ended up on vacation with 12 other people when I found out, and was not allowed to wallow. When I came home though, I wallowed.

To me, seriously, it'd be when I lose functionality. When I CHOOSE bed over anything else.
When I feel like dying more than anything else, and when I lose good days.
At this point, I could still move on, I could still function. I could handle it, for the most part.
There are times when I'm distracted, but my good days outweigh the bad.

I keep feeling like I didn't try hard enough in therapy, and if I try hard enough, I could get over this, but I'm just lazy... Or I'm just comfortable with this. This defines me, and it's more comfortable to live with it... And I'm kind of afraid of who I'd be without it.
And what if the meds don't work? I'm not gonna keep fighting. ;\

Thank you so much SoupDragon for your replies.
My friends totally forget that I exist. No one gets in contact with me unless I message or call them first.
My point is, whether or not I'm in their lives or not, their lives would be totally the same... So I should spare myself the effort.

Do you think it boils down to self esteem. We measure ourselves, our self worth by how many friends, how high our marks are, whether we've passed or failed - but do any of those things really define us? In reality would we be nothing without these things? I went on a retreat earlier in the year. I knew no-one there and we spent many hours in silence, quietly working alongside each other. It was an amazing experience, no pressure to achieve, no pressure to be anything for anyone else - such a simple life style of cooking, cleaning, gardening. There was little speaking, yet for the first time in a long time (ever?) I didn't fee alone and I was very sad to leave.

Right now I'm almost too scared to look deep into myself and I so get the "feeling comfortable with this" - to change would mean to look. This is how I know to be, who would I be without it? - currently "it" is defining who I am.

Part of me is contemplating going to my GP this week, to at last announce that I am not coping well and maybe medication may be helpful - still a lot of resistance in my head though.

What happens if we stop fighting so hard and relax a little I wonder?

meds coupled with therapy was what worked for me.
here's a site that may help you sort all this out, CB.
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/

I can't put myself in a position where people could know about this... because in my career, if people lose confidence in me, people WILL die.
I'm doing medicine. And to be honest, I just want to graduate.

Ok, just my humble opinion, but if you're in medicine then you have a wonderful opportunity to be a positive spokesperson for mental health issues. Personally, if you were taking care of me, but weren't taking care of yourself by using all avenues available to you - including meds - I think I would be scared to be under your care.

But in reading your posts, I really get the impression that you want to be in denial and want to battle back against any suggestions that include looking into/exploring the idea/trying/...meds to help you.

So, I will stop commenting and just wish you the best.

@Soup: I AGREE. If I relax, I feel like I'll fall apart.
What about you?

@Leo: I understand completely. I am determined to do something about this. I will probably take the meds. It just means alot of secrecy from my family and friends.
And lying to the one person I REALLY don't want to.

[quote=crash&burn;1893226]@Soup: I AGREE. If I relax, I feel like I'll fall apart.
What about you?

Yes I probably think the same. Although I did a minfulness course last year and that was about relaxing a little and I don't recall faling apart then. I just wish I could get my head in the same space again now. I am really thinking seriously about going to my GP this week, then just when I decide yes that is what I'm going to do - my head gets into a spiral of, What will she ask (couldn't possibly share the SI with her), what will she think, will she think I am an unsafe mum, will she get social servies involved, will she sign me unfit for work, what will she prescribe etc... - and so the anxiety sets in - I am going to try really hard to talk about this with my T tomorrow.

Actually I always make myself smile when I say "try". I went on a course once where we were exploring trying. The course leader asked us to stand up and "try" to lift our arms up - you should "try" doing it - it highlighted that really there is not such thing as "trying", it all boils down to either you can or you can't, will or won't - a bit harsh really as I am really "trying" to get myself out of this - but it is always a point for reflection for me.

Soup, I'm very glad that you're gonna talk to your GP.
I really hope that it works out- it takes amazing bravery and courage to talk to someone about it.
I emailed my therapist recently- turns out she's not in today.
I feel like I've been asking her the same questions and telling her the same things over and over. :\
As far as mindfulness, I'm the type of person that'd say in response to that, "So everything is discrete? If I enter into emergency surgery and the doctors do everything they could to save me, but I die anyway. Does that mean they did not try?"
But that's just me.

I hope it works out.

I feel so much of this myself, except that I cannot sit at home - I HAVE to get out, almost daily. I get bored so easily. Everything else I could have written myself though.

I would think about exploring low dose anti-Ds. One common misconception is that they change your personality and make you feel like a completely different person. They don't. Instead, as some people describe it, it feels like a "fog" or "veil" has been lifted, allowing a person to function better. Hope this helps

I feel much like you describe, too. A few thoughts:

"Doctor, heal thyself." - Can you really be much help to anybody if you don't do what you need to do to take care of yourself? Clinical depression isn't weakness, it's illness. I say this as a Master of Social Work student with Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent, currently moderate) struggling along too.

Meds aren't a big deal. If you hate them you can get off again, but they're worth trying. (Just don't ditch them when you start feeling better!)

Check out the natural influences on mood - exercise, healthy diet, adequate sleep, sun exposure, giving through volunteering, enjoyable activities/fun and self-pampering. Difficult to maintain in balance, but stuff to consider. Might try being accountable to your therapist as to whether you engage in these, try finding groups to do them in - don't know about you, but getting over to work out at any ol' time doesn't happen too often for me. Joining a class with a set schedule is more do-able. And track what you do in those areas - remembering how much you slept or how much healthy food you consumed last week can be tough, but tracking it lets you see patterns and trouble areas.

No relationship advice to offer. I've never had friends, beats me why.

Hey, I'm an adequate medical professional. As in, trying to diagnose? I love it. I forget everything else. But I get what you're saying.
I am gonna try a low dose med, hopefully soon.
Those natural things you're talking about?? I do them all.
I exercise alot. These days, just running. My diet is sublime! I eat healthy enough.
My classes aren't set schedule, so I can't make anything on a set schedule.

@IndiesOK: I wish I could manage. I go out most times, because I think I;m going crazy in my own head- but I do the exact same thing.... Sit and say nothing.