New Year....same damn depression

So...2005 has been tossed out w/ the spoiled leftovers.
We all count down 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 Happy New Year...we shout it as if it is a prayer to whatever god you believe in that somehow, some way this "new year" will be better.
I have done that now for the past 13 or 14 years. Same old crap lingers in my head from my past...now I just add more to it with each passing year.
I will sometimes have the power to think my soul can be restored. There are sometimes quiet moments when I think just maybe this will be the day, the hour...that peace will shine inside my deranged mind and my demaged soul.
But even if it sparks...it is just a flicker. And it never ignites lasting healing or peace of mind.
I continue to numb it out in any way possible. I play the game. I play the part. I will be who you want me to be, act how you want me to act, take on the role that best fits the situation I am in...but deep down in the bottom of my soul...and all around twisting in my head I realize I am a spawn of Satan and have nothing good inside of me that is worthwhile or useful.

sj,

I know what you're saying.

One of the things that held me back in the depression was the hope that it would go away. I would constantly look for all sorts of signs that it would lift, any kind of renewal. New Year was one, but there would be things every day, many times a day even.

In the end we just know that we are ill and that's the story for us. But, in a funny way this helped me. Instead of constantly hoping for relief I started to train myself to be able to feel bad, and then see what could achieve while that feeling is still going on. It's not easy, but it works most of the time for me.

Good thoughts, M

Yep {{{{{{sj}}}}} I'm there with you.

I feel like I've gotten to the point that I'm too tired to fight this and instead am "embracing the madness," which for me says basically the same thing as Myzen - I'm sick and although I may have periods of remission - it always comes back.

I took 2 Restorils and an Ativan early in the evening to knock myself out and decided I would wake up in 2006 and miss all the hoopla. I slept for awhile but then people were shooting off firecrackers at 10 pm (which sounded like right under my window) so got up and called my Mother, who had just returned from a week in D.C.

One of the first things she asks is "How are you feeling?" and I hear that disappointment in her voice when I say "Not well." I had been re-reading William Styron's Darkness Visible: Memoirs of Madness - a rather erudite account of this acclaimed author/poet's descent into depression. So, I began reading some excerpts to Mother, still feeling somehow like I have to justify my illness. Then later she said "Well, this year will be better!"

I pray it will be, but as we got off the phone, 2006 had just arrived and I began crying - instead of listing my resolutions, I began mentally thinking of losses to occur:

**I have to find a less-expensive apartment ~immediately~. On 60% of my short-term-disability pay, I can't pay this month's rent without using Chrismas/birthday money.

**To make said move to a smaller place, I need to sell several pieces of furniture and figure out "how" to sell them - ad in newspaper, etc.

**I will be moving out of the part of town I adore.

**I truly doubt if I will be able to return to my current job which was a huge contributory stress factor in this episode.

**In the meantime, I will have no income and no $

** Mourning the loss of talent and experience which the demon of depression is blocking.

Ok, that's enough whining - but those were some of the thoughts simmering in my brain as I heard the merry-making outside.

sj & Myzen, you both mentioned putting on your "game faces" and getting out in the world regardless of how you feel. Maybe I'm just not strong enough but - how do you do that? I feel absolutely frozen and getting out of bed and back in again is a major accomplishment! I've made several plans during Christmas, including a dinner/dance. When the day arrives...I just cannot go.

I'm almost thinking that if I went to the hospital, maybe people would realize I am sick and not just feeing a "little down." But never having been to a psych ward, and reading some other posters' experiences, that kind of scares me too. And what exactly do they do in the hospital other than make sure you take your meds?

Ok, really rambling.

One of the best things in my life in 2005 was finding this website/forum and wonderful, kind, understanding people who actually understand.

{{{{{{sj, Myzel}}}}}}

A..Just to let you know my "game face" consists of being able to dissociate and to numb things out. It is not a recommended way to go through life!

perhaps dissociate and numbing ones self isn't the reccomended but it does help to hide the pain, Susu I wish I just dissociate it's so much easier than DID at least you know who's speaking at all times
Love ya
Angie

Do not be so hard on yourself. You have some worth here, you are helping and supporting others. I'm sure that means a lot to people here. You are also very caring. Your replies to ohers are always with kindness. This is great worth through my eyes.

When I sometime dissociate or numb things inside it is so I can let the positive things get through me, let love get in so I will be more strong to keep going in this life. I have to say that sometime I do dissociate because well with my husband I have too for another reason and at these times I don't rememebr anything but anyway to dissociate for me is a coping skill so to protect myself or to help me to get good things in. One way or another it is to help me out. So I think if you can also do that it could be good if you can see some positive in what you are doing. I'm not saying that you are not trying. What I'm saying is to turn it to your advantage.

You are having a hard time but we are here for you. I just want the best for you. Please do not give up!

((((((((((((((((((sj))))))))))))))))

As I was reading your post, I started to cry. Why you might ask? Because I know all too well what you are saying. I am a master chameleon, myself. It's like you play the part on the outside, being the perfect actor, and yet inside you are screaming and everything at the things you do not want to do yet do do in the process of trying to play the role of whoever or whatever you are on the outside to everyone else.

*sigh*

Hang in there, from one chameleon to another.

you know, you have to wonder why people put so much faith in a new year, thinking that from one day to the next life will change, better things will come, and a blank slate is before them. I think the reason why is b/c we want to hope, you need something to hold on, something to get you through another day, another week, another month... hopefully through another year until once again, you can hope maybe the new year will be even a little better than this year.

You're right, it does seem like each year just adds on to the list of negatives,... but from getting to know more people on here, I can tell you that positives add to... hope in someone else might light a flicker of hope in you, encouragment might get you through a bad day, and you have gained- your friends here. I know none of that makes up for the past or all the bad things, but to this day I refuse to believe that this is all that life has to offfer. I can't see that light at the end of the tunnel, but that doesn't mean it's not there. I was watching pictures on my friends' camera from one of her trips, and I was close to crying, b/c I realized there is so much out there I haven't see, haven't experienced, and what's holiding me back? I can list so many things but at least it's a goal to work towards. I think the moment life really fails us is when we pretend we're someone we're not, when we live our lives for someone else... I do that every day. And even though I don't see a clear way out, I know if you wouldn't have to put on that mask, you would still have reasons to live, only then would it actually be for yourself and not others. How to live life for oneself though, to its fullest, after years of putting on that mask? I dont' know. Azalysa, it is not a mask anyone wants to put on, I think it keeps you back even more b/c not only are you hiding from everyone else but also yourself.

Hi, backandforth...

You and sj both advised against "masks." I tend to be on the opposite side of the invisible line - I tend to be too open and, especially my good friends, know what my mood is at any given time. I have to work on that.

So, my question was more to the point on how you get by day by day without others knowing the pain you're (generic) in. You're probably right, though, that keeps the pain inside.

I apologize for any confusion my question may have caused, it was not intentional.

A: hey kiddo don't need to apologize.
I knew you were asking on how to kind of muffle your hurts and depression and not wear it on your sleeve.
I was just saying it sucks to go through life having to put the "mask" on rather then really being happy.
You know when people say "Hi, How are ya?" I have come to realize the "how are you" is not something they really would like to know. Because we all seem to want to avoid the deep conversations in life.
Please ask away or wonder away and post your thoughts and questions.
I can also be reached by PM.
Never need to apologize for anything...ok dear?

{{{{{sj}}}}}

Thanks for the affirmation and understanding!!

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You know when people say "Hi, How are ya?" I have come to realize the "how are you" is not something they really would like to know. Because we all seem to want to avoid the deep conversations in life.

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That's really true, but being outgoing and talkative anyway I proceed to tell them "how I am." (Except for rank strangers and cashiers and such.) *Aza marks down another issue to bring up in therapy*

My former husband used to say "Not telling everything you know is NOT lying." (I despise lying!)

It's interesting how each of us deal with our illness in different ways. I isolate and sleep the majority of the day. I don't think my coping method is very good for me - the days all run into one long day and life is whizzing by me.

May we all someday be well enough to enjoy life again.

{{{{{{sj}}}}}}}

Azalysa, I understand that wearing all your emotions on your sleeve every day can be difficult too.. I find that if people know too much though they tend to walk on egg shells, or always want to attribute everything I do to "the problem", where at times it has nothing to do w/ it... I know not all people do this, but I've learned to just keep things in and put on that mask. You're right, it does get you through each day, and you're able to get things done, have people have some kind of faith in you etc, but it makes opening up SO much harder, b/c you know that they have no idea... for all they know, you're just fine, right? And even if I get through my days seeminlgy being 'okay', at the end of the day I know I'm not and who to share that with, who to call and cry with, who to talk with when all you feel like doing is have someone listen to you? there's no one. why? b/c they don't know. it gets lonely... it feels fake. my whole life ends up feeling fake. so as much as they're all coping strageties, I still believe you need a balance btwn opening up and keeping things in... doing either one to the extreme isn't very healthy.

B&F, I agree w/ you on people who know that I struggle cannot every let my depression or issues go and allow me to just have a quiet day or a bad day. They always want to intergrate me being quiet or melacholy with my illness.
It gets very frustrating!

I really understand the "mask" thing. I have used one all my life. I call myself a puppet because, as far back as I can remember, I have been what others wanted me to be. I don't even know who I am. My marriage, children, career were all based on what I SHOULD do, not necessarily what I WANT. Now I have to find me, and I don't even know where to begin looking, or if I have the strength to do it.
I have isolated myself so I have no friends, I have no idea how to make them. And then I wonder, how much do I tell them? If I "pretend" to be "normal", then they won't really know me, they will know the "masked" me. I'm clueless.
At least I know I'm not alone in this, at least not here.
HUGS

How are you all doing? It makes me really sad to read these messages because it feels like there is no end to depression. I am not sure where to go because I feel like I really want to be thinking one thing but my mind is going elsewhere. extremely frustrating.