Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

So sorry to hear that, Agma. i can very much relate to it. I have many job frustrations, which are mainly related to my line manager, but don't want to leave everything (friends, acquaintances etc) behind me at the moment. Trying to make it better at work is difficult though.
As to the pregnancy thing, I can totally feel your sadness and frustration. I'm much older than you and without a partner so for me it's something I really need to abandon the hope of but haven't been able to so far.
I know it might be not much comfort, but you can at least still get more IVF treatment and then were in a position to bring the child up with someone. Don't give up on it! You are too young for that and want a child too much!

Many hugs,

Shadow-world

Nams, thank you for that. I had a similar reaction when I read the comment by Sewerrats (actually part of it was shocked disbelief) but didn't have the courage to say something (call me cowardly) or wasn't sure whether I should become involved. This was so not helpful and I'm glad you pointed that out, Nams. I'm glad you had the courage to do it. Making another person feel guilty about others and also to some extent a failure because they have 'failed' to kill themselves is unbelievable and outrageous.
I know I might get some hatred now for saying the above, especially from Sewerrats, but I feel I should have spoken out in the first place like you, Nams, and at least had to do so now.

I left message for a potential T today. I am trying to keep my expectations low but am scared of being let down. have tried several Ts in the past and none of them helped. Am scared I am doomed to guilt and self-punishment for the rest of my life...sigh...

YW Shadow hun, like I said at first I walked away because my immediate ANGRY response could have very well sparked a huge issue...I thought about it and still felt it was an inappropriate response in here. I had a friend on a chat group once who mentioned that he wanted to kill himself and I automatically tried to talk privately...a group of people I thot where friends started taunting him and ridiculing him..his sister informed me about a week later he had ended his life (I had been in contact with him offline prior). I honestly think all he wanted was someone to understand and they let him down. I left the group after I left a very nasty post on the site. Sewerrats response brought all that back up so I needed to calm down before I responded.
I too was afraid to respond at first as I didn't want an argument. I do truly believe that Everyone has a right to their opinion no matter what that opinion is, however To gain respect for ones opinions/ideas it is key to show respect for others, period. That's whey the post is so long I didn't want Sewerrat to feel attacked. I do understand that maybe there are reasons there that I do not understand, but the wording was harsh and unforgiving and this is not the right place for that.

Hugz and thanks for the confirmation that I am OK in feeling what I did and in responding in kind....I appreciate that.
Huggies

I have tried to commit suicide, an only failed because i vomited up the 200 effexor capsules, when i drank vodka to wash it down, no letters of goodbye or im sorry letters i ment it . After i was admitted to mental hospital the shrink said to me, if you had killed yourself you would have killed your wife an kids inside for ever, you would leave behind a bigger mess that you have ever been in. Its called shock tactics .HEY IT WORKED ON ME

Now my big sister has gastroenteritis, it's now hard for me to cook things for her. So many DON'Ts, I should just feed her raw meat instead. >:\

Monday I signed up for CBT group 4 times a week in the evening. I won't know for 2 weeks or so. Knuckle down time I guess. That was my alternative to the hospital--didn't realize there would be such a long waiting. Told the nurse to look into ECT while I wait, 2 weeks sound awfully long. I've gotten to the end of what I can take.So to take a page from the AA book its just minute by minute.

((((sewerrats))))) shock therapy is fine for the professional in person but on PC you cannot know whats going on who you are dealing with. SU is much harder than people assume. I've taken care of a kid who tried, he was in a nursing home for life-at 18. People have tried with guns and survived but not with a quality of life. You may have thought it was the right thing to do, by that approach or the others who did the teasing Nam's brought up. But over a PC it just isn't the right way. Don't beat yourself up over it just don't use that way again. If in doubt, ignore or ask or a mediator.

If my current emotional state doesn't improve by tomorrow I seriously question my safety.

Mornings are currently a bit difficult again. My issues are now clearly pursuing me in my dreams. As if they need highlighting...

Sorry that you got to that point in your life. In my opinion that shrink needs to see someone about his/her bedside manner, but that is my opinion. Glad it worked for you, but it so easily could have made you feel even worse which is why I commented at all on your post.
I do appreciate now what you may have been trying to do but it just isn't the right approach for here for most people. I know for myself I signed up here to have someone, anyone who might understand what I feel. My hubby is a wonderful man...but his approach is just smile & it will go away or don't let it get you, it's in the past. Years of abuse, guilt, fear and yes even a death wish don't just go away because I will it to or because I am afraid of what it might do to others. I am still here because I imagined what life would be like for me(after death)looking down and seeing my children and not being able to hold them when they smile, achieve or cry. People here (like you)have gone through all kinds of pain and are still going through it and are here because for some reason what they do get in RL is just not enough to get them through. Some like me can't say some things to my family so I do it here...sometimes I get hugs, responses sometimes I don't but at least it is no longer ringing around my head convincing me of its truth.
Thanks for trying to help.
Hugz
Nams

I saw my Pdoc this morning, and for the first time in a very, very long time I did not check in severely depressed, sick with anxiety, terrified and/or completely miserable.

Same as the usual and it's disappointing that my family doesn't care my freelance job at all.

Not a very good day today. I'm not really sure why. I just woke up in a bad mood.

Day was going ok till School called....A my 8yr old decided he wasn't doing his school work and took off outside. Principal called me "A, left the classroom and I'm just not chasing him." When I got to the school I found him outside on the swings. Called him over talked to him (by the way did this in the parking lot, behind my vehicle - out of view of the outside supervisor and no one stopped me or ? who I was or even if A knew me)
Anyhoo read my son the riot act about what his job is at school and then proceeded into the school, where his teacher, EA and one other Assistant told me that none of them where going to chase him. I told them I was staying in the classroom, A was not impressed but he did his work. I saw a few things with his teacher that I found quite disappointing....there was no control at all in that room, students leaving the room without permission, talking, goofing off and general disorganization on the teachers behalf. He wasn't sure from one minute to the next what he was going to do, they covered one math ? then jumped to Social Studies, A was supposed to be writing down the math to take to the EA's room, which didn't happen as the teacher changed his mind, He told A that he was to forget the Math and do the SS. Even the EA didn't know what was going on when she was in the room. So my opinion is how is my 8yr old ADHD-I son supposed to stay focused and know what is going on when the adults have no clue & with such a busy unorganised mess of a classroom. I called and left a message with the Principal to meet ASAP to discuss this. I am not surprised that my son is having issues in class, this new teacher is Totally Lost.
Anyhoo night all, hope to have a better day tomorrow.
Hugz
Nams

I'm happy to report that I'm no longer in crisis mode

I absolutely HATE my guts. There are things I want to do. The entire world hates me. Absolutely NOTHING is going right. I hate how the world is absolutely FINE the economy strong... of course not affecting us we will die soon from poverty, will be on the streets. My "future" is dark and scary totally hopeless worthless old me. Laugh all you want. My grandpa the realist is dying, my art fails like failure is the name of the game for me, mom got hit in the parking lot, my cards were stolen, my brother now needs to go to a state doctor for SSI and probably will fail and we have this $1200 bill for testing that went nowhere like where I live, my mom's surgery, panic attacks I have been shaking all day long and had to take 2 anti anxiety pills and feel like taking a lot more, I am a heavy burden on the family and the world, I caused many places to close down, nothing I try succeeds and my brother is delusional by thinking "it is what it is" without a care in the world, my family, the doctors, not one person understands me. The hospitals don't even believe a word that is coming out of my mouth thinking I am a lowlife faker that deserves to go to hell... hey what I am the Dark Lord. I destroy worlds. I destroy companies. I am meant to be a failure. There is no light. Just darkness everywhere. Voices hate me. Right now if the government is here let them do what they want to me. No one understands me too much stress no one understands. My art sucks. I have no talent. I am useless. Oh yeah! My brother's car falls apart costing hundreds of dollars.

Update: took 4 more anti anxiety pills.

I feel so hopeless right now...

Stressed cause there so much to do before I live in a couple weeks. Facing some fears and hoping for the best. Hoping that everything will come into place.

Today sucks, even more then the others have. I just got an eviction notice and have 14 days to come up with 337.50 and that's not including all my other bills and I have no money until the end of the month. To top it off my partner is suffering horribly with an eating disorder and is off work for a month, and I don't make enough by myself.
All this on top of a heavy self destructive depression = a really bad mood.
I'm so upset and overwhelmed with everything that I'm numb, I don't even know what to feel... It doesn't even feel like I'm here if that makes any sense...

What ups?... can't seem to find them

aww I'm sorry for the last few people who've posted about feeling really ******. hugs to all!

I am okay. I'm quite discouraged on the job front and am really considering the possibility that my career fizzled out quite early and very possibly permanently so.... plan B? Maybe this is the world telling me I need to focus on being a writer?

I am Done being that good hearted person every one can call/lean on. Footstool no more. From here on out F*k em if they can't be there for me then Y should I put all the effort in.
My In-laws think I am stupid and that Hubby rescued me from poverty, that they are the social elite, that people like them and that they know All. They are clueless and yes this includes hubby at this point.
I have said it before "Don't misunderstand my silence as weakness, I am just the quiet type." Be thankful!
Well my new motto is "Shut-Up, Now its my turn!" God help them.

Some People just suck.......
.......the life right out of you
.......the goodness out
.......at being human
.......at caring
.......at understanding
.......at Getting it
.......at listening
.......at changing

None of this of course is directed at any of you here or at DC, you all are my only understanding ears, shoulders and hearts and I love you all dearly for it.
Just had to write this down to help clear my head, I just blasted hubby with it and walked out of work.......Sooo needed to calm down before/if I go back to work.

Hope everyone is having a better day than me.
Hugz to all
Nams

I've been kicked off Zoloft and put on a sertraline generic (thank you my beloved insurance company). I'm scared it will stop working. I'm scared I'll fall back down into the abyss. And if there is one thing I don't want happening, it's falling back again. I'll do anything and everything to keep that from happening. So you better work, Asentra, or else!

I FINALLY found something I am interested in enough that I actually made a reservation and plan to attend. I am looking forward to it even.