[anjelmarie]

Should people be able to kill themselves if they are miserable and feel like their already in hell on earth? I feel like i have to keep living for the people around me and most of them don't even see me or talk to me. My bf is all i feel i have since we live together but even we are having problems. Were not happy, i'm not and feel we should split up. If I were able to move on my own then i probably would end it. He knows that and so does my therapist so they both don't want to see that happen. But i'm only living so they won't feel bad about the way i die. I don't want to hurt anyone but i'm in pain. Physical and mental every day, i hate being awake. I'm getting older and nothing is going to get better for me its going to get worse. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing really to live for. Why should i have to stick around and go through this pain just so other people won't feel badly that i ended my life?

[Hellion]

I imagine it gets better is not what you want to hear...anyways I kind of wonder the same thing at times. However having a few people who are there for me makes it hard to follow through because i don't wan't to cause them pain. I guess I am not quite sure what to say, I mean its about ending the pain...if there is an alternative to suicide its probably better to go that route, though sometimes it can be hard to see any alternative. But keep posting, venting might help some, at least for the moment.

[SoupDragon]

I think for me, it is important to make major life (or death) decisions when one is in a clear, rational state of mind and that any decision is not influenced by negative emotions or thoughts that may be fuelled by an illness such as depresssion.

I know that feeling of waking up and thinking "on no, I am awake again" - it can be such a lonely, painful place to be.

I also know for me it is hard for people to say it will get better - T tells me that all the time, but I tell myself to have faith, because what if he is right and I am wrong.
Soup

[anjelmarie]

Thanks so much for replying, i didn't think anyone would. I feel so alone with my feelings and i do feel guilty even talking about them to my bf or my therapist because they don't know what to say either, my therapist asks me what should she do, should she say go ahead and do it, should she help me, in a sarcastic/joking sort of way. She asked me on my last appointment why i tell her my feelings about wanting to die and how i might do it or how i might just become self destructive and play russian roullette with my life. I don't know why i tell her or my bf, i guess i want them to know the magnitude of my pain. I feel like they don't get it. My bf tries to ignore every problem there is that is how he deals with things he acts like they are not happening. It drives me crazy. I don't think people really get how horrible it is to hate every second that your awake. I have physical illnesses that i'm trying to manage with medications that have their own side effects and they don't always help and i feel i have no reason to be here, no purpose. I'm poor and on disability and i feel stuck in my life. I don't feel able to work, i couldn't focus on anything, i can't focus on anything now. I barely want to take a shower and get dressed. Sometimes i feel to sick to even do that. But i look ok so i know people would be wondering why am i on disability. I don't tell anyone. I've told 2 people besides my bf and therapist. I'm ashamed. Ashamed of myself and my life. I know depression does put you in a negative state and my bf keeps telling me that its my depression that is talking, that is making me feel the way i do. What am i supposed to do about that because the meds are not making me want to wake up and do things, my meds are not making me happy or even content. What am i supposed to do just be miserable. I can't even have peace in my own home because of a problem with the people upstairs i won't even get into because i've already vented about that on this site and i don't even want to bring that up again. But i can't be at peace in my home, i have no car to get out and get away and i don't feel well alot of the time to take public transportation to get away. I don't like the area where i live and i don't get along with or like my bf's family who live nearby and call incessantly, come by unannounced and are always wanting something. Thats why i want to move so that i don't have to worry about being bothered with them. I want to have peace but i don't feel i can afford to move. I am thinking about trying to move to a disability apartment but then i'd be alone with my thoughts and i wouldn't have to worry about my bf finding me. That is what is keeping me from doing anything, the fact he would find me. I know nobody knows what to say and i know alot of you understand where i'm coming from. It does help just to here someone say i understand and i'm sorry or just anything. And this is not a suicide post i am just talking about how i feel. Right now i am not planning on taking my life.

[SoupDragon]

Hi anjelmarie,

thank-you for sharing more of how you are feeling right now. It does sound like you have a lot of tough things to deal with, in terms of your health and accomodation and pressure from family.

I know that feeling of shame and just wanting some peace - I have not read your other posts, but wondered whether you have a therapist? I started seeing mine when I had strong sui thoughts and although I still have them almost daily, I do think it has been helpful to me to see a T.

Please keep posting on here about what is going on for your right now if it helps. I know there are a lot of people on here who really get it and understand just how lonely it can be.

Soup

[sweetandsour]

Hi angelmarie

angels are meant to be light hearted and marie is the example of kindness.

its good to see u express urself so it means u r conscious sbout ur present state. y not try to be out of that state???

have u woke up one day and say today i'll be happy???
to be posting here means me too went through times wer i found everything was sliping out of my grip. i was stressed and unhappy or still am but i'm here on earth granted with a life to live as well as u.soo since i'm unable to take the step to end so y not take the step to start.........

i've done it walked by people head high straight even if inside i'm afraid and unsure but outside always firm and gaze confident.
don't knw hw u'll take my post but i only want u to be u and be positive.

[Leed]

Keep in mind that even tho things seem pretty bad right now, nothing EVER stays the same. Things ALWAYS change.

Also remember that Suicide is a PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. That has always kept me from even considering the final way 'out.'.

If your medications are not working, then it's time to switch to something else! Many times, an antidepressant will stop working! We become "accustomed" to a particular med, and we have to switch to a different one. That happened to me -- I was on Prozac for quite a long time, and it didn't work anymore. So my doc switched me to Cymbalta,and low and behold I began feeling MUCH better!!! It was great --- no more terrible lows. So talk with your doctor about your meds! I'm sure he can help you!

I hope & pray things improve for you soon. Please keep us informed, will you? Everyone here cares. God bless and take care -- keep posting too. Hugs, Lee

[Towanda]

If your medications are not working, then it's time to switch to something else! Many times, an antidepressant will stop working! We become "accustomed" to a particular med, and we have to switch to a different one. That happened to me -- I was on Prozac for quite a long time, and it didn't work anymore. So my doc switched me to Cymbalta,and low and behold I began feeling MUCH better!!! It was great --- no more terrible lows. So talk with your doctor about your meds! I'm sure he can help you!


I agree with Lee. My pdoc had me on Paxil at one point. For a year I felt like I was walking around in a depressive fog. I kept asking him to discontinue this med but he kept putting me off. Finally in desperation, I stopped on my own (I know BAD, BAD!!!) But what a difference! My mood improved, I was able to focus in school and the depression disappeared. Even he had to admit that I did the right thing, and you'd have to know my pdoc and his ego to realize for him that was huge!!

So definitely talk to your pdoc about your meds - good luck

[anjelmarie]

Thanks you guys i appreciate your support, you have no idea how helpful that is to have someone just acknowledge your pain. I see my T once a week and this week i won't see her because i see her on mondays and its memorial day. I really feel like i need to see her more than once a week but she is booked, she has no other openings unless someone cancels. Plus i'm not sure if my insurance will pay for 2 visits a week if i were to do that. As it is i never pay the 35 dollar copay every week and i'm being billed for them. I really can't afford it. I go to the doctors alot and i have pay them too and they won't bill me. I'm trying to get help paying my copays. I guess i should be glad i can even go. I'm thankful for the disability it really helps because i was really ready to end it when i had no money coming in. However now i feel like i'm going to be on it forever and will never go back to having a normal life so to speak, of going to work and having friends and a car and a life. I withdraw from everyone because i don't want to talk about my life, i don't want them asking me about if i'm working. I am taking pristiq and have been on that for well over a year and the hospital gives me that through a program they have, i get samples. My insurance co pay for it would be $84. Cymbalta would be $84 also because i thought of trying that. I don't know if they have samples of that. I feel like medicine won't work because i'm unhappy in my life. I have to many stressors and too many things to be concerned about. I really need to be on my own and i'm afraid to do that. I don't think i'll make it. I think i would just end it then. I'm not close to my family i don't see or talk to them often, they live in another state just 2 hours away. I don't have children. I worry about getting older. My parents are deceased. I just don't feel i have anything to be happy about. I tried to positive once after reading a book about it and it didn't last long. When i think of my situation and the reality of it i can't help but get discouraged. I know it irritates people. I don't want to irritate people either. I don't know what the answer is, i truly don't i just know i don't want to live like this anymore.

[Suki22]

omigosh, I do that whole "oh, crap, I woke up. I don't want to wake up" thing. thank you for posting that because now I know I'm not alone.

I'm glad you have people around you to make you not make a horrible decision. like Soup said you (and me) are not in a sound state of mind to make such a decision. I know it's trite, but I keep reminding myself that it's a permanent decision to temporary problem(s). truth.

please keep yourself safe. you touch so many lives, you have no idea. stay here. we don't want to have to miss you! xoxo

[SoupDragon]

Just wanted to stop by to say hi and let you know I am thinking of you - Soup

[anjelmarie]

Thanks for responding and for your support, i really appreciate it and need it. I can't talk like this to anyone. I tell my T and my bf and it just upsets them both. My bf feels responsible and i don't want him feeling that way. Its not his fault and i let him know and my T also feels shes not doing her job. So i make people upset but telling them how i feel. I came here because i have to let it out. Its so hard to keep things to yourself all the time and act like your ok when your not. Today i got through another day, i'm hanging in there is all i can say. But thanks for letting me vent and being supportive.

Omg, anjelmarie. I normally don't venture much outside the bipolar forum, but today, yes, and wow. I could have written so much of this. You are not alone. (Initially sectioned out specifics, but that probably does not matter, and got quite lengthy, so... suffice to say, substantial portions.) Also, started to write and realized that even with a trigger icon, I wasn't comfortable with putting even the safer bits out there. Sooo, the gist of it is that I felt the need to respond, so resonant was the ring of your posts. Seriously, It's a sucky place to mentally be.

[dimmingstar]

my brother committed suicide and as much as it hurts me i cant say he had no right bcuz its selfish to think of my pain when he obviously felt enough to hang himself and the irony is its more or less given me the strength to say if he can't get out of his pain what makes me think i can. besides you never know what lies on the other side.

(((((anjelmarie))))) Just wanted you to know that you're not alone here

*Willow*