No Future

So lately I've reached a new kind of low that is rather unsettling for me. And this low is a result of an "epiphany" I had, which was: I have no future.

Maybe that sounds really dumb and cliche as far as depression goes, but I really do have some--or at least what I believe to be--really strong evidence for that statement.

I guess I'm unsure of what I'm asking. I've done therapy--a lot of therapy--and taken all the medications and studied up on all the modern psychobabble but it has never seemed to work or have any lasting effects (besides weight gain!).

I guess I would just really appreciate a few friendly words, since I don't really have anyone to turn to in real life about my mental illness. I'm tired of being "OK." I'm not OK. I'm actually really, really sad. And I don't know how long I can tough it out before I do something.

Thanks for reading...

I just want to send some of those friendly words wrapped around a big hug...I too know what is like to feel like you have no future, or that any future you might have will be bleak. I guess the way I cope mostly is to not think about the future...just live one day, sometimes one hour at a time. Sometimes that's all we can expect of ourselves. By the way, I like your tag line. Sometimes it does indeed take all the day's energy just to appear normal :-)

I think about this every day. I don't think it's cliche at all. It's a normal thing to want to go out into the world and do something or be something. And it's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you can't do that. I can never talk to the people around me about it because they simply can't handle it. So the only choice seems to be pretending that nothing is wrong...

The only thing that really keeps me going is the hope that I can do something with my life. I don't have any inspirational stories to go on or even proof that it's worth it. Hope is all I have. So I write down my problems to get them organized. This way they don't seem as ominous as when they are just floating around in my head. And I try as best as I can to try and find solutions. It's not easy but it's the only way I know to fix this.

I believe the only way is to replace the sadness and fear with ambition and drive to get out and be something.

I don't really have any answers. I just hope and dream and work everyday until I can get to where I want to be.

I know for me there was a shift between what I wanted out of life when I was younger, and what I have accepted now that Im older. The ordinary, routine, dull and mundane never appealed to me much and I always was a high climber, thought I could get to the top if I just worked at it. My depression and anxiety definately peaked as I felt time slipping away and I hadnt reached my goals, but stress has a funny way of forcing us to open our eyes and evaluate what is going on with us. Now days Im content that my physical health is good, I have a job that pays the bills, I can save some towards retirement. I get pleasure from simple things, flocks of flying geese into the sunset, ordinary acts of simple kindness. God I sound old lol. But really Im feeling the peace Ive always wanted now even if I didnt get to the top rung of the ladder. Being at the top is a lot of stress anyway, I dont like stress a whole lot.

If I may ask, what was going on before and at the time of your epiphany? This is not meant to be a subtle comment on the validity of your evidence. Please feel free to ignore the question.

Aside: Congratulations on the second language, Whoswho!

It's OK. There are a lot of little things I guess. When I graduated high school there were two main things I wanted to do: go to college and travel. Seems pretty straightforward, right? I went to college, two actually: the first was a very prestigious place, and probably one of the best in its field; the second was just my local university. Neither of these worked out like I would have hoped. In the end I had to drop out after a friendly visit from the police at 1 in the morning and a month stay in a psych ward.

So, OK, that was a disaster. So I thought maybe travel would be better. I signed up for a foreign exchange program. Well... it's not really working out either. Another disaster.

And then I think, what else did I ever really want to do? I'm not really interested in the marriage/dating/kids idea at all. Mostly I really wanted to go to school and work and be independent. But if I can't even get a degree then obviously that isn't going to happen.

But the epiphany happened a little later. It's stupid, actually. I use my eating disorder as a crutch during hard times so even though I won't actually accomplish anything significant or important, at least I'll be thin someday. It's something, maybe people would actually be friends with me since, you know, no one wants to be friends with a fat, ugly monster like me. But, haha, I kind of figured out that being bulimic doesn't actually equal being thin, and I've been doing this stupid eating disorder for eight years and have never been thin, so why would this year be any different?

So even my really unhealthy, fake, delusional hope is gone. I can't even do the whole eating disorder thing right. It's pretty sad.

I apologize for the little pity party there, and the length too. I feel like I've seen enough of life and don't really feel like sticking around for more. The problem isn't that I've never experienced the things I wanted to do; the problem is that I'm never happy, no matter what I'm doing. I've kind of run out of things to try at this point...

But I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words, I cried while reading them all.....

I am feeling like there's no future for me. I am middle aged, or should I say, I'm more like upper middle aged.

For me I feel like I'm in the in-between stage. I feel like my accomplishments have not been stellar. But now I find myself thinking and planning more of what will I do about retirement and eternity. I no longer think of advancing in my career anymore. Also, I have never been married (though I came close a couple of times) and it seems like that possibility is out of reach for me. I've learned to accept it even though it hurts at times. Also, I feel like a relationship is out of reach.

I have lost motivation to just get out there and make something happen for myself. "Been there, done that". Getting out there never did work for me. I don't have the patience anymore and it feels like it's gotten old.

I don't feel i have much future, currently I am waiting on a decision as to whether I can get on SSI or if I have to try and appeal a denial. But that's not really much to look forward to sure it would be a bit of income but its not like it doesn't come with stigma that stresses me out.

I've failed college twice, couldn't even handle a part time job I tried out when I was 17 which made me feel like crap since everyone else my age seemed to have a part time job and money to go out and have fun. Then there was the temporary job I failed at as well a couple years ago. I feel like I get to look forward to more frustration from dealing with mental health services, more psych ward visits though having been to one once now not so sure I'd be able to convince myself to go willingly again even if I was that concerned. But I try not to let the hopelessness of the situation get to me but I don't think I am doing to great of a job.

I don't really have much helpful to say, but I sort of know the feeling and how much it can suck.

At age 30, -Living with parents, been dealing with mental illness past 3 years that led to a job loss, struggling with finishing college, 2 major traumatic relationships that caused me to become emotionally shut off from the idea of a relationship, etc etc.

At age 31, dove deep into a depression after a major psychotic episode that landed me in the hospital, lost my job of 5 years, sometimes I would go a week without even showering. I basically gave up.....

In November I forced myself to a job interview,, somehow managed to get the job. Then a friend offered being roomates, usually I dont accept roomate offers because I would rather live by myself. I dunno what went off in my head but one day I woke up and said F it. I literally threw out a bunch of stuff and even got rid a bunch of clothes, text my friend and said you know what "yes I wanna move the heck outta here and be roomates"

Im sleeping on an air bed, have nothing else really but my clothes and my car, lol.....and for some reason I am wide awake, determined, and get up everyday with a mission.......I have less money than when I lived with my parents, yet I am somehow happier..........I lost the job I got back in November but for some reason I only cried for about 2 minutes then slapped myself back to reality realizing that I have no time to beat myself up because I absolutly refuse to move back in with the parents, I got things to do, places to go, and goals to reach and make......mistakes, trials, and tribulations are merely lessons, tests, and building blocks for a shield that will make you bullet proof..........

Im starting to feel that way...bullet proof....I could wreck my car tomorrow, step out of the car, nod my head and say.....yup...sounds about right....and just keep moving......unless someone dies or ends up in the hospital.....its pretty much all good....Im still breathing demmit! all the other stuff....whatever

I'm at this point where I have no ambition or dreams anymore. It's like I've finished everything I wanted to do... and it's not like anything I have tried so far has turned out even remotely successful... that's the problem, I guess. Not only have I tried these things, they turned out horribly... so really why look for new things to do, since it will likely just end up as a failure anyway?

It's scary not having some kind of goal in mind. Like I said earlier, if I don't have an active goal I'll make one up, even if it's a really unhealthy, destructive one... But this is a new kind of low I guess, or a different kind of low at least. It's a weird mix of depression and panicking over not knowing what to do/not having something to work towards.

Your post doesnt really say how old you are but I think its really hard to be young without the experience of life to really know what you enjoy and want to do with the rest of your life. I could never decide either, wasted time and money in college (havent graduated but might go back). It wasnt until my mid 40's that I found my true interest and its only been a few years that Ive been feeling optimistic enough about living to invest in some kind of future. Is this something you think time can help you solve? I understand the pressure to choose you must feel but it could also be that the pressure is making these choices harder/causing you to push it away and so choose nothing? Im sorry if this isnt really helpful but I do hope you begin to feel better about things.