[tigerlily84]

I think my car is no more. $1500 is just too much to spend on a repair for a car with a blue book value of $2500. It's a 9 yr old car, so it just doesn't make sense to do that. I've been wanting to get a newer car for a while now, and where I live it's just about impossible to get around without one. I broke down crying for the millionth time yesterday and I finally decided to call my therapist. Talking it out helped me calm down and helped me to focus on what my options were.

So I'm going to return the rental car today, tow my car home from the mechanic's and then my dad (or someone) will pick me up and give me a ride to the wedding venue, where I'll meet up with my sis in law and the other bridesmaids. We'll spend the night at the hotel and then in the morning we'll get ready together. The wedding is at 6pm tomorrow. I'm excited to see my brother get married. I'm going solo so I hope that my stepmom and other family members don't give me a hard time about it. I love my brother and my sis in law so much and I'm honored that they wanted me to be a part of their wedding.

Monday the search for a new car begins! Blah. And oh yeah I'm moving at the end of the month. Let's hope I survive.

[happy 2 b here]

Listening to song/instrumental -- "Midnight Blue" -- want to cry every time I hear it -- love it just the same -- so sad -- so beautiful

[Grey Matter]

Up. I woke up early. Had fun in chat.

Down. This depressive episode will not god damn end.

[lindammarie]

Will try to talk with my husband today. I'm scared it will upset him.

[PinesofRome]

Hello all,
Well, I did have a good start yesterday including getting up early, breakfast, meditation/prayers, & getting going on time. I had the dogs tied up in the shade, with water to drink, around the back of the library & finally started trying to work on the 3page research paper when a workman went by the dogs, & the dogs were barking, & I had to leave my laptop & other stuff in the library to tend to the dogs; after that, I could not get anymore work done (did not get much done anyhow). Despite the fact that I know I have to write this paper, prepare for the Final Exam, & pass the Final, I am not certain that is going to happen at this point; I just cannot get started. I was bummed out yesterday afternoon, so I took another walk, in the hills this time. This morning, I woke up, found out my knee was hurting from all the walking, so fed the dogs, & went back to sleep until 11am, . Finally up now; I plan on printing out one article about Ardipithecus (the hominid subject of my research paper), washing clothes, buying a new cellphone card for next month & shopping for an improved solution for better cellphone/internet access. I think 90 to 95% of my problem is my own vasillation/meandering thought process.
Sorry to post such a long ? post ?, but it has helped me feel better about everything. Pines of Rome

[PinesofRome]

Hello all,
Well, I did have a good start yesterday including getting up early, breakfast, meditation/prayers, & getting going on time. I had the dogs tied up in the shade, with water to drink, around the back of the library & finally started trying to work on the 3page research paper when a workman went by the dogs, & the dogs were barking, & I had to leave my laptop & other stuff in the library to tend to the dogs; after that, I could not get anymore work done (did not get much done anyhow). Despite the fact that I know I have to write this paper, prepare for the Final Exam, & pass the Final, I am not certain that is going to happen at this point; I just cannot get started. I was bummed out yesterday afternoon, so I took another walk, in the hills this time. This morning, I woke up, found out my knee was hurting from all the walking, so fed the dogs, & went back to sleep until 11am, . Finally up now; I plan on printing out one article about Ardipithecus (the hominid subject of my research paper), washing clothes, buying a new cellphone card for next month & shopping for an improved solution for better cellphone/internet access. I think 90 to 95% of my problem is my own vasillation/meandering thought process.
Sorry to post such a long ? post ?, but it has helped me feel better about everything. Pines of Rome

[Bark]

Today was okay, last night was horrible. The meds really are working, because otherwise I would likely have been seriously depressed today. It was a small thing, you could say, but it cut like a knife. I got caught up in my thoughts, hated myself, felt I didn't deserve to live if all I'm doing is hurting the people I love. I would give my life for the people I love, and I mean it. It just hurt so much... if I was living on my own, I might have done something I'd later regret. I certainly considered it. But today's a better day.

Sorry for all you folks that are hurting; I know how you feel, herethennow. I worry that, like an addiction, you'll need more to get the same relief, and you'd put yourself in danger. If you feel that you're not safe, you'll have to seriously consider inpatient, even if the hospital isn't that great. You'll have to weigh your options.

tigerlily84, I know what you mean by car trouble. We're lucky here in that mechanics charge less, but this darn car keeps breaking down in some way or another. Replacing the tires, replacing the brakes, replacing the battery, replacing the fan belt... just lots of replacing! And there's a problem with the gas tank: we don't fill up the tank usually, and if it's on the low end and you're driving uphill, it sometimes stalls. There's a leak, I think. It's a 2004 car too, I think.

[shortandcute]

[herethennow]

Thank you Bark. Good to hear that your medication is working, and that it's a better day for you today!

Still si-ing... Still feeling so low. Havent felt like this for awhile so I'm unsure of what to do. Should I push T appt early, or should I just.. keep it? I'll be seeing her the week after next so I'm just hoping I'll not do anything rash till then. Still annoyed that I can't seem to cry. It's like this whole thing wanting to explode but there's a huge obstacle.

I really have zero motivation but the festive season looms near and I really need to clean my room... let's hope it doesn't lead to more worser si "session" *sigh*

UPS
I have had the most wonderful and awesome week with my daughter
DOWNS
This is our last night, she goes back home tomorrow

[Bark]

herethennow, I think you should see your therapist as soon as possible. I recall that you went without hurting yourself for a period of time, but now it's more regular, so that's a bad sign.

I've noticed some of you haven't been able to cry. I remember times when I wanted to but couldn't. Ironically, it was the truly insignificant things that I was able to cry about. As an example: my mom made me salad and I left it for so long that it got soggy and I don't eat soggy salad. So I got so upset at the idea that she went through the trouble of making it and now it was going to be thrown away. Apparently all the major problems in life, like say me feeling depressed all the time and not doing that well in school, among other things, weren't things I could cry about. I still don't really understand it; maybe I was indirectly crying about things I should be crying about? In any case, maybe try and cry about something totally insignificant, see if that works. But make sure you see how insignificant it really is (a bowl of salad? Seriously?). Could be it's just me and my catastrophizing nature.

[tigersassy]

Work is very stressful right now. Wish it was easier. It's the weekend so I'm trying to focus on the here and now which has been kindda easy until this morning but it'll change soon have a birthday party this afternoon for a 4 year old which will be fun. Gotta stay positive.

[Grey Matter]

I feel depressed, but. I have been forcing myself to finally clean my room. And seeing less clutter is calming me down a lot.

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

I feel depressed, but. I have been forcing myself to finally clean my room. And seeing less clutter is calming me down a lot.

I definitely believe that a clutterless life is a happier, calmer life.

UPS
One more day with my daughter
DOWNS
Last day with my daughter

They only live 5 miles away but I see a lot less of her when she is with her mama

[gracez]

just staying alive. it's exhausting

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Bark

herethennow, I think you should see your therapist as soon as possible. I recall that you went without hurting yourself for a period of time, but now it's more regular, so that's a bad sign.

I've noticed some of you haven't been able to cry. I remember times when I wanted to but couldn't. Ironically, it was the truly insignificant things that I was able to cry about. As an example: my mom made me salad and I left it for so long that it got soggy and I don't eat soggy salad. So I got so upset at the idea that she went through the trouble of making it and now it was going to be thrown away. Apparently all the major problems in life, like say me feeling depressed all the time and not doing that well in school, among other things, weren't things I could cry about. I still don't really understand it; maybe I was indirectly crying about things I should be crying about? In any case, maybe try and cry about something totally insignificant, see if that works. But make sure you see how insignificant it really is (a bowl of salad? Seriously?). Could be it's just me and my catastrophizing nature.

Yup I did go without hurting myself, and inside me I know I should go T earlier.. but I don't feel like it. And I don't like this. It's like I want this pain to continue.. but I don't. I don't feel like seeing T.

Hope things are okay for you Bark! Remember to take your medication

Endless pain.. it doesn't seem to stop. I feel like I should vanish away. No amount of T or medication is going to fix me. Nope. Useless.

UPS
I had 7 remarkable days and nights with my daughter. We did so many daddy daughter things...and I even think she trusts me completely again. She has begun to share and open up a little to me...but still shares the girl stuff with her mama...and rightfully so!
DOWNS
Aside from the fact that she is back home with her mama, I have nothing to be down about! The awesomeness of our time together will take days to sink in before something else is able to knockme off track.

[lindammarie]

Talked to husband. It actually went OK. I don't think I upset him more, but at this point I don't know what I can do to make him feel better either. On the other hand, I had a conversation with my daughter. She took her attitude of superiority and I put her down... NOT the right response. Why do I end up feeling guilty over everything?

[shortandcute]

I just feel so tired today. I got a lot done, tho, but I also took a lot of naps.

[Grey Matter]

down; calmed down so much from a clean room that I am now awake at 2:19am because I fell asleep at seven.

[tigersassy]

Doing okay. Won't see therapist until august 9. I do have someone I can call if I need to. Fridays appointment helped a bit. I don't think work is going to go that well but we'll see. Didn't sleep well but ghats par for the course. Might take a nap after work today but don't know.

[angryworld]

Having trouble with mornings, can't seem to get moving. Can't concentrate on what I need to do.

[tokiwartooth]

My jaw hurts again. I hadn't had any TMJ problems for months and now all of a sudden it's back again. It hurts so bad sometimes that I literally can't chew my food.

[notablackbarbie]

Destroyed today
Slept in, late for appointment, late to call in, not working today, another fight in the house, angry at each other, angry angry angry...
...I am a fraud a hypocrite a screwup a waste, I hate me I hate this I hate me
It is all my ****ing fault, all I am is a stupid wretched worthless *****


Can't leave my mom and sis to this anymore...yet its all my fault still and just make everything worse. I am so screwed up, no escape, hate me hate me hate me