[PassingThru]

I have reached the point that I do NOT want to die. I do not want to do anything to cause it. But now on top of everything else I was feeling, I feel horrible at how low I have let myself get. I feel I have completely torn down any bit of example I wanted to be for my kids. They have seen me hit a brick wall and just stop. I was NOT a person that did that. I was not a person that doesn't even have energy to brush my teeth, cook dinner, clean my house. But no matter how I try, I cannot do it. I loved getting out and walking, driving to destinations i read or was told about. I have always love springtime and yard work and crafts. I simply have no desire. I rarely get dressed most days. There is not one thing that I am excited or hopeful about. I have always loved the ocean. Just being there watching waves. I thought maybe a trip there would help, of course I am broke and can't afford it now, but the thing is even if money werent an issue, I just don't want to go. I have always been a hopeful, "lets do this" kind of person, now I'm just not. I don't know how to be who I am now but I don't know how to get back to who I was.
Yes, I see a therapist. I have no desire to but I do go.

[bharani1008]

I'm so sorry you have been going through such a difficult time. It must be even more frustrating to remember how you used to be and not be able to get back to that person. From what I understand therapy takes some time to be effective so keep going even if you don't feel like it. Are you getting any kind of medication? It helped me so much. I would never have made it through without it.
Try to be patient with yourself. You are trying hard to get better. You are concerned for your children.
Maybe try to do one thing in a day that you want to do. And one thing that you need to do. It will help you feel better about yourself.
The old you is still there. You can reach her again. You may just need a little help to get there.
Good luck

[Scorpio88]

Hello Passingthru, I am sorry to hear what you are going through i had a depression problem too i was told to visit a psychiatrist and i did at first he gave me Lexapro 10 didnt work so well than 20mg didn't work so well for 3 months than we added wellbutrin and it was my first time taking Wellbutrin it was so strong that i feel like i was going to have a seizure and die.. But when i wake up the next morning i didn't feel any more depression it was completely gone i could get up and go to work on time and figure out what i want to do for the rest of my life...

I hope you get well soon you can try lexapro or wellbutrin but i wouldn't mix both together.. I think every med is different for everyone i hope you get the right one and hope one day you will be you again which you will Stay strong dont let the old beautiful you fool you...

[PassingThru]

Thank you for the replies. I don't take any medication. We lost out insurance in the "Hostess" shut down. 16 years ago I had a traumatic event. My doctor tried to get me to take Buspar, but the way I looked at it, medication wasnt going to change what had happened, I felt the medication would just delay me dealing with, so why not deal with it at the present. That was just how I dealt with things. So strong and sure. Now I am just a mess that people tiptoe around. I keep sunglasses in my car and pocketbook because heaven only knows what may trigger a crying spell. Of course I'm not out that often. At home I keep a headache mask so I can at least pass the cryin off on headaches and cover my puffy eyes in the process.
I don't want to be this person I am. I don't know how to be her. But I do not know how to get away from it. I have reasoned with myself, I have begged, I have prayed. Nothing. I cannot afford dr visits or medications. I just can't. The only way I am able to see a therapist is because I happened upon a pilot program the University here has.
I am on Mirena (birth control implant). I have to be on it. I have a blood issue that basically requires it.
I sit at times and talk myself up and assure myself today is the day to make a change. I promise myself no matter what... I can do it. Only to open my eyes in the morning and feel totally overwhelmed at having to go through another day.
I feel guilty, I have a friend with a 4 yr old that is battling cancer and would love to have the health I have. I try to guilt myself into motivation. NOTHING does it. For the most part I would rather sleep because if I am asleep, I don't feel and I don't think. I'm afraid this is the early stages of losing my mind and it scares me so badly. It scares me to be someone I don't know.

[gracez]

Hi Passingthru

I don't have much advice but wanted to say I've read your post, I care and you've been heard. Please keep posting and make us here your friends. PC has become like a lifeline for me the past 3 mos.

I feel exactly this way
"For the most part I would rather sleep because if I am asleep, I don't feel and I don't think."

but unfortunately I'm not a great sleeper! But I spend a lot of time in bed, in fact I'm in bed right now. Or trying to zone out and not really be a part of "life"

Please do some research into what resources are available for low income / uninsured in your area. Sometimes it's limited, but there is usually something. I am uninsured & unemployed, also cannot afford meds or dr. visits. It's been a real battle. I found something though for meds. If you have energy to look into it, PC also has some links for drug discount programs.

xxx

Gracez

[PassingThru]

Thank you. I'm in bed as well. I tried getting up and going out but just couldn't do it. My husband is mad now. I think he thinks if he proves how mad he is at me then I'll "straighten up". I wish it would work. I wish something would work. I feel this hole getting deeper and darker. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I do wish someone in my life could understand it. I am so afraid of where this is taking me. People think I'm not fighting it but god I swear I am. If they only knew the fight I fight just to make myself open my eyes every morning.

[PassingThru]

I'm lost. He finally came and asked me to get outside with him. I told him I just couldn't. In my head or heart I really wanted to, I just simply couldn't in which ever other area it was. After an hour or so I talked myself into it and got up, went outside and sat with him. Within 5 minutes of that he said he thought he should mow. (He just cut the grass 5 days ago). After he walked away and didn't come back for 15 mins, I went back in, sat in a chair and fell asleep. When I woke up I heard him back outside where we had been, so I went back out. I sat there not even 5 minutes and he says he is Hungary. I tell him I am not. He says he is going to go fix something. I sit in the swing for about 40 minutes. He never comes back. I finally go inside and he is sitting on front of the tv watching the race. I just don't understand. I really don't. This broke my heart, he either forgot I was out there or simply didn't care..... Are either of those a good choice? I grabbed my keys and left. No bra, the clothes I have laid around in for two days, I just left. I felt if I didn't I would explode. Now I am sitting in the parking lot of a closed store and have no idea what to do next. It's been over two hours and he hasn't even called. Could he truly just not give a damn? Am I honestly having to ask that??
I am sorry to clutter this board I just truly have no one to talk to. Not a soul, and I am too afraid to go to my sons grave and talk right now.

[ocpdapd]

Have you tried vitamins? B12, D3? I take 10,000 of D3 and my dr. recommended that for me. it has helped tremendously. Everyone should be reading about the benefits of D3. More so now, than before, Dr's are seeing the value of this vitamin. Just a suggestion....my therapist highly recommends exercise too. That's something I struggle with.

[TanyaP]

Originally Posted by PassingThru

I have reached the point that I do NOT want to die. I do not want to do anything to cause it. But now on top of everything else I was feeling, I feel horrible at how low I have let myself get. I feel I have completely torn down any bit of example I wanted to be for my kids. They have seen me hit a brick wall and just stop. I was NOT a person that did that. I was not a person that doesn't even have energy to brush my teeth, cook dinner, clean my house. But no matter how I try, I cannot do it. I loved getting out and walking, driving to destinations i read or was told about. I have always love springtime and yard work and crafts. I simply have no desire. I rarely get dressed most days. There is not one thing that I am excited or hopeful about. I have always loved the ocean. Just being there watching waves. I thought maybe a trip there would help, of course I am broke and can't afford it now, but the thing is even if money werent an issue, I just don't want to go. I have always been a hopeful, "lets do this" kind of person, now I'm just not. I don't know how to be who I am now but I don't know how to get back to who I was.
Yes, I see a therapist. I have no desire to but I do go.

Talking to a therapist/ counselor should help eventually. However it all depends on your relationship with your therapist - whether you feel like they are your trusted friend or rather a doctor giving you treatment instructions. If you more feel like they are your doctor and not a friend, it's not going to ease your problems. You should find someone easy to talk to, someone you can confide in so much as to tell them about every and any problem you get. The reason for your loss of interest to doing things is probably somewhere in your past or present life; together with your counselor you just need to find this reason and work on fixing it. But you have to choose the right counselor for that

[PassingThru]

I want to be a part of the living so badly. I just can not make myself get up. Negative thoughts come in and I try my best to push them out, I beg myself to think of other things but nothing is as vivid and as real as the negative.

[PassingThru]

People say suicide is so selfish and that you hurt so many when you do it. My thought is where are all those people when you are hurting?? The people that will send flowers and shake their head and say "I never would have guessed". Where are they when you are screaming from the bottom the darkest hole??? So many sit around and say " in wonder what was so bad in her life?". Yet they never made the effort to find out. That is the people I am suppose to be so concerned about? I am suppose to worry about their pain?? What about the fact I sit here and lose more of my mind everyday? What about the pain I have that I just want to stop?? Can my pain not ever be considered??? Takin care of everyone and being the strong one is what has put me where I am and now I am suppose to continue in this because they wouldn't understand? Please make that make sense to me. It is a holiday weekend and do I really think anyone would give up a lake day or a family BBQ to take a minute to know I simply do not have an ounce of mental strength to get out of bed? Or if I had already ended things, I could imagine the thought, "well we would go to her service, but we had out hearts set on spending time on the lake... Or at the park... It at the picnic... Or family reunion... It whatever place they would rather be. But those are the people I need to think about??? Someone help me understand this please.

[PassingThru]

This is kind of similar to life. In reality, there is just no one there. Sigh .

[Cheshire Grin]

PassingThru

I'm not much, but I'm here.

PassingThruCheshire Grin

I feel the way you do a lot of the time, too.

My family gets angry with me because they don't understand what it's like to feel this way. Everything takes so much energy that I just don't have...and why bother anyway?

I'm guessing your husband doesn't know what to do for you. He's also probably frustrated by what you're going through and tired from trying to help you, too.

[adam_k]

I think if nothing else you push on for your kids. I don't think they understand what you are going through and would be traumitized for years if you were to give up. I have felt really low before and it is a struggle to even get out of bed somedays. I just know when I don't I feel worse and worse. At least working and trying to seem ok 8 hours a day helps me keep my depression in check.

I hope you find someone in your life to support you and want to know what is going on. Depression is hard to cope with and loved ones can't do a whole lot for you. My advice is to try and find someone who is support and ask them for help. Maybe that is a person to listen to your thoughts, concerns or complaints. Or maybe that is someone to be with you who care and loves you even when you are filled with self loathing and worthlessness. My depression makes me view things from a bleak perspective and I often convience myself that no one cares for me and it doesn't matter if I am here or not. It is distorted thinking and I often have to analyze what makes me feel that way. Do I have specific reason, or are they simply negatives thoughts that go unchallenged.

I hope therapy can begin to make things better for you.

[PassingThru]

I have done my best to hang on for my kids, but to be honest, I feel like a burden to them. They are older now and do their own thing. They have never seen me like this and spend as much time away from home as possible. I don blame them, I want away from me too.

[PassingThru]

I saw my therapist today. She says I have been too busy putting life jackets on everyone else and haven't bothered putting mine on. She doesn't understand that is my problem. That is what I want to get back to. I want to get back to being the one that was strong enough on her own, to put everyone's life jackets on them, without needing one for myself. That is who I have always been. I can't stand being this person that has to have a lIfe jacket just to be capable enough to sit on the shore.

[adam_k]

I don't think you are a burden to your children. You may not be the same mom you used to be, but you are still thier mother. Your children may be growing up and striving for independence, but they will always need you. I lost my father when I was 18 and I don't think I would have made some of the mistakes I did, if he was around to talk to. Depression isn't an incurable illness. It just takes the right treatment that works for you, and people in your life who are supportive and helpful. To me it sounds like you try to take care of everyone's needs before your own and maybe neglect yourself. You deserve some slack and some days to yourself to do things you enjoy and bring you happiness. I know it is hard, when everything you do has little enjoyment, but you won't feel bad forever, and if you work at it things will get better eventually.

[PassingThru]

"but you won't feel bad forever,"
I am hoping for this. Thank you for your insight.

[PassingThru]

I am so scared of what my next step will be. I hate this pain.

[bluewings]

Originally Posted by PassingThru

I am so scared of what my next step will be. I hate this pain.

Hi PassingThru,
I do hope you continue to keep posting, I promise you it wont stay this way, I've been where you are and it has past, there is a lot of support here. and i'd like to know how your doing

[xxhanna]

"People think I'm not fighting it but god I swear I am. If they only knew the fight I fight just to make myself open my eyes every morning. ", i believe you, i know how much energy ittakes to go through the same horrible "grey" day again and again, while you want to change it but you know it wont since you just cant affort even more energy.
People often think "wtf is wrong with her, she's just over sensitive" or stuff like this.
It's not true, your feelings are real..
I guess noone who hasnt sufferd from depression will ever understand this, it's just chemicals in your body which wont allow you to feel happy even if you want to, so badly.
I assume your husband just cant understand it, he loves you and hates seeing you like this.
I guess he's unsure about how to help you, that's why he runs away (saying he wants to fix food, etc) and doesnt come back, and not because he doesnt care, i think he cares a lot and would do anything to help you.
How about you two go to a therapy together? Perhaps he'll undersatand more how you feel or what he should say or do.
I really hope things will go better for you soon, you arent alone