[Blegh.]

So lately, when I'm feeling bad, I play this game with myself. I have dubbed it the suicide game, for obvious reasons. When I want to kill myself I think of all the creative ways I can kill myself. I make long lists and keep them hidden so I don't frighten my parents! I know this sounds weird, but sometimes thinking of doing is like doing it and relieves some pressure--other times it does zero for me.
What do you guys think?

[lynn P.]

Glad writing helps you and yes sometimes people have plans. Are you getting professional help?

[Balise]

Originally Posted by Blegh.

So lately, when I'm feeling bad, I play this game with myself. I have dubbed it the suicide game, for obvious reasons. When I want to kill myself I think of all the creative ways I can kill myself. I make long lists and keep them hidden so I don't frighten my parents! I know this sounds weird, but sometimes thinking of doing is like doing it and relieves some pressure--other times it does zero for me.
What do you guys think?

Having felt suicidal so many times myself, I can relate and totally empathize with you. Like you, I also found that writing down how I am feeling helped. And, yes, it did relieve some of the pressure.
Other times, when I could, I listened to music but that didn't always work because sometimes any music irritated me and made me restless.
Nowadays, I try to "do" something to take my mind off how I feel, because it is so easy to just "sit" and curl up and do nothing, and I found that doing nothing only makes me feel worse.
I hope this helps.

[bharani1008]

If you are having those kinds of thoughts then you need to get help NOW! At the very least you need to get a list of helpline numbers and keep them next to your phone. It would be best if you see a dr. now. If you can't see one officially then go to the emergency room of your closest hospital and tell them how you are feeling.
Please see someone immediately. We care about you and want you to stay safe.

[Blegh.]

I went to the emergency room three times for this. My doctor absolutely refuses to give me any sort of support or medication. He doesn't even think I'm depressed. My T is going to write to him so I'll get on some medication for this. I still live at home so I feel embarassed if I have to call a hotline. I never do call. My mom is getting fed up with taking me to emergency because they do nothing at all. My parents have to work, too, so I can't spend all night and early morning waiting for a "crisis team".

[montanan4ever]

Please, call the hotlines. It will help you get through those long nights, at the very least.

[CaptainKirk]

I have all these suicide notes I wrote with no intention of ever killing myself... writing them just made me feel better. It helps to think of all the good things that happen every day that you have to look forward to. Or how the people will react when you're gone. It's not like nobody will miss you, because there will always be someone. I dunno, that's what I think about when I'm depressed.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by Blegh.

So lately, when I'm feeling bad, I play this game with myself. I have dubbed it the suicide game, for obvious reasons. When I want to kill myself I think of all the creative ways I can kill myself. I make long lists and keep them hidden so I don't frighten my parents! I know this sounds weird, but sometimes thinking of doing is like doing it and relieves some pressure--other times it does zero for me.
What do you guys think?

what else happens when you write about creative ways to kill yourself? does it make it closer to reality and so makes it easier to back off from it? does playing it out give you some relief? i understand that. i have to be free to think and if each time i've thought of driving my car off the road got me locked up in hospital it would not be good. also, thinking it thru and the consequences, which i know sounds funny because if we're killing ourselves who cares, but i think of the mess or not wanting to hurt someone else in the process or what if i don't succeed and there are consequences like i can't walk... anyway, that's all very dark. i understand and if writing it helps you, i'm glad. i think it is VERY smart to not let others see it. unless you've been that low, it is hard for others to get it without an intense reaction... what about SAFELY and ritualistically burning the suicide writings? would that be a release of sorts for you? maybe not each time but maybe one day when you feel better even...

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by Blegh.

I went to the emergency room three times for this. My doctor absolutely refuses to give me any sort of support or medication. He doesn't even think I'm depressed. My T is going to write to him so I'll get on some medication for this. I still live at home so I feel embarassed if I have to call a hotline. I never do call. My mom is getting fed up with taking me to emergency because they do nothing at all. My parents have to work, too, so I can't spend all night and early morning waiting for a "crisis team".

can you fire your doctor and get one that listens better to you? when i learned that i could "fire" my therapist, doctor, etc it was very empowering. I fired my psychiatrist when he told me that "HE was the doctor" after i talked about info i learned about some meds. i fired my therapist when i felt put down by her one too many times. now i have been with the most amazing therapist and a psychiatrist who works WITH me for over a decade...

[Blegh.]

This is my second doctor. I talked about this with my mom. I have had two older male doctors and they seemed very insensitive about what's going on. I know this sounds sexist, but I think if I had a female doctor I would feel more comfortable with her and she might understand. If my doctor doesn't do anything in a few weeks I won't make any more appointments with him and willbeg my mom to change. I feel two emotions lately; sadness and hatred for my *ssh*l* of a doctor. Improvement, right? haha.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

I think the anger can be empowering. Its making you look at what works and what doesn't.

I think having a female dr makes sense especially when u think you'd be more comfortable. It's not sexist. Sexist would be saying only female drs are good. You're not saying that.

It's your health and you deserve what works for you. I prefer a female for gynecology. I don't want a man all up in my business. And i prefer a female for my mental stuff for the same reason. I'm more comfortable. That's it. And being comfortable with our healthcare provider is very important.

What do u think your mom's objections would be?

Do you have to waif for weeks before you can make a change?

[Blegh.]

Well I'm not sure if there will be any female doctors taking new patients right now. And I kind of need a doctor right now. Everytime I bring it up she says "stop focusing on the negative past stuff" and then she leaves the room. It's like this with everything.

I ask her about if I'm going back to school or changing schools, and she gets angry. All I want is an answer so I can enjoy my summer. If I don't work on what I'm doing for school I feel like I'm doing nothing to help myself. She keeps saying that I need to help myself, but I'm not even allowed to talk out my problems without being yelled at. This is a horrible mess... I don't know if you would 'get' what's going on with my education...

[online user]

Yeah, I did this too. It was kind of my security--if things get too bad, I'll be OK....I'll know what to do. It was NOT a good sign. then I called the suicide helpline and looked at some of the websites and that was more help, made me feel better, and contributed to my improving my overall situation. I'd suggest you try them and avoid your game--it's serious business. We want you to be safe and give yourself time to work through your issues.

Susan

[Perna]

What does your T say about it? I don't know if you are depressed or anxious or why you "enjoy" making the lists and they sometimes help. But that you label it a "game" makes me think it is not so much about suicide as trying to communicate something when you do not have the right words. I would try to figure out for myself just why you gave the game the form you did and what the symbolism is (kind of like looking at dreams you have). I would try substituting other words for "suicide" and see if any of them fit as well ("anxiety", "comfort", "anger", "grounding", etc.)

[Blegh.]

I can't call a suicide hotline while I'm living at home. I don't know if there's any non-verbal sort of suicide helpline thing.

[online user]

Under the sticky resources, there are links to pages you can read with helpful information, to help you see the bigger picture and have hope that things can be better. I've read them and found them helpful.

susan

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by Blegh.

Well I'm not sure if there will be any female doctors taking new patients right now. And I kind of need a doctor right now. Everytime I bring it up she says "stop focusing on the negative past stuff" and then she leaves the room. It's like this with everything.

I ask her about if I'm going back to school or changing schools, and she gets angry. All I want is an answer so I can enjoy my summer. If I don't work on what I'm doing for school I feel like I'm doing nothing to help myself. She keeps saying that I need to help myself, but I'm not even allowed to talk out my problems without being yelled at. This is a horrible mess... I don't know if you would 'get' what's going on with my education...

What's going on with your education?

About your mom, maybe your mom feels at a loss not knowing how to help you and/or maybe she has mood issues too that she has avoided dealing with. Regardless of what's going on with her, it makes a lot of sense that her lack of empathy, patience and support only makes things even harder for you. I hope whichever dr/therapist you go to that they listen and work WITH you. Remember, they are essentially getting hired by YOU to help YOU.

I don't know where you are, but I've found this list of suicide hotlines for people in the USA.

SuicideHotlines.net - Text-Only Hotline Listings For Suicide Prevention & Emotional Crisis

As for the game, I've done it when angry. "I'm so mad, I could..." and then I fill it in with the wildest things I can think of, like "bite the horn off a charging rhinoceros."

[Blegh.]

Originally Posted by Lovebird

I don't know where you are, but I've found this list of suicide hotlines for people in the USA.

SuicideHotlines.net - Text-Only Hotline Listings For Suicide Prevention & Emotional Crisis

As for the game, I've done it when angry. "I'm so mad, I could..." and then I fill it in with the wildest things I can think of, like "bite the horn off a charging rhinoceros."

I'm in Canada. I have hotline numbers that my doctor gave me. He gave them to me the third time I went to him about depression.

About my education...
My family doesn't have enough money to pay for an Individual Education Plan (IEP). I have a problem where my writing is nearly illegible. It has a name but I don't know what it is at the moment. I am quite embarrassed about it and is frustrating for teachers. If I want to use a computer to write in school I need a pricey IEP. This is the least of my problems! About 3 years ago I felt really down only sometimes but other times I was happy to the extreme. I had lots of energy, but I felt out of control and unable to stop my impulsive and socially unacceptable actions (yelling, blurting out nonsense, lack of respect for personal space). The rest of the time I felt down and was reserved/quiet. Then at the beginning of this year I was blue all the time. It was too much and I was unable to go to school. I was depressed at this point.
I got a sibling to bring home all of my school work. Being smart and capable, I got it all done. My mom talked to my teachers and principle about what they're going to do to help me. My principal told me to either come back to school like a normal kid with no enrichment/help, do home schooling, or drop out. I was really angry about him wanting to deny me help. I don't think I'm going back to school this September. I still have no idea how I'm learning when school starts.
A month and a half/ two months ago I started seeing my T. I don't feel any better yet. I don't think about suicide as much as I used. It's just... I don't feel the heavy sadness anymore. I feel either numb or angry with my parents or other adults I know(docter, T, principle, teacher, employer). I haven't felt that crazy out of control happy (if you could call it happy) mood since last fall (approximately). I don't know if that's good or bad. I'd like to feel like I used to, but then I don't remember a time when I was just content to talk to friends and happy with the world and myself. I wish this whole fight with the school never happened, I wish my life had one of those "reset from last working point" options like on computers.
In summary, it really was a war with the school. It isn't over but it is on hiatus. I don't have every little detail here, but I have the basics points. I want enrichment (like courses from the next grade up), help for my difficulties, and to be satisfied with my mental health. My principal was told to apologise by the superintendent, but I don't really forgive him for the problems he has caused.

[Blegh.]

when I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely I just stick out my chin and grin and say...
I HATE LIFE.

[growlithing]

I do this. It's comforting to know there is final escape key to life. I also write notes without intention. If I had more intention, I'd never leave a note because I don't want to make it that easy to my parents. I don't want them knowing anything about me. Writing notes actually reminds me why I need to keep holding on to life because I address them to my friends and I can't ever write anything that justifies putting the tears I imagine in their eyes while writing it.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by Blegh.

I'm in Canada. I have hotline numbers that my doctor gave me. He gave them to me the third time I went to him about depression.

About my education...
My family doesn't have enough money to pay for an Individual Education Plan (IEP). I have a problem where my writing is nearly illegible. It has a name but I don't know what it is at the moment. I am quite embarrassed about it and is frustrating for teachers. If I want to use a computer to write in school I need a pricey IEP. This is the least of my problems! About 3 years ago I felt really down only sometimes but other times I was happy to the extreme. I had lots of energy, but I felt out of control and unable to stop my impulsive and socially unacceptable actions (yelling, blurting out nonsense, lack of respect for personal space). The rest of the time I felt down and was reserved/quiet. Then at the beginning of this year I was blue all the time. It was too much and I was unable to go to school. I was depressed at this point.
I got a sibling to bring home all of my school work. Being smart and capable, I got it all done. My mom talked to my teachers and principle about what they're going to do to help me. My principal told me to either come back to school like a normal kid with no enrichment/help, do home schooling, or drop out. I was really angry about him wanting to deny me help. I don't think I'm going back to school this September. I still have no idea how I'm learning when school starts.
A month and a half/ two months ago I started seeing my T. I don't feel any better yet. I don't think about suicide as much as I used. It's just... I don't feel the heavy sadness anymore. I feel either numb or angry with my parents or other adults I know(docter, T, principle, teacher, employer). I haven't felt that crazy out of control happy (if you could call it happy) mood since last fall (approximately). I don't know if that's good or bad. I'd like to feel like I used to, but then I don't remember a time when I was just content to talk to friends and happy with the world and myself. I wish this whole fight with the school never happened, I wish my life had one of those "reset from last working point" options like on computers.
In summary, it really was a war with the school. It isn't over but it is on hiatus. I don't have every little detail here, but I have the basics points. I want enrichment (like courses from the next grade up), help for my difficulties, and to be satisfied with my mental health. My principal was told to apologise by the superintendent, but I don't really forgive him for the problems he has caused.

Wow! Your Principal SUX! So with the superintendent involved will you be able to get the support you want?

Also has any mental health worker suggested that you might have a bipolar diagnosis?

[Blegh.]

Originally Posted by htebsiL radnalaS

Wow! Your Principal SUX! So with the superintendent involved will you be able to get the support you want?

Also has any mental health worker suggested that you might have a bipolar diagnosis?

Yep, if there's one thing I'm still passionate about; it's hating my principal. I hope I can get some happy ending out of this. I'm feeling very negative about it, but them I'm not at my sanest right now.

I have one person that I know of in my family who is bipolar. I haven't felt that crazy mood in so long. By the time I got to see dome doctors about depression I forgot what it was like. But then the other day I got on my laptop which only works when the sky is cloudy and the wind blows North-West (haha). So I got on my unreliable laptop and I remembered the last few times I was playing on it. That's when I remembered. So no, nobody knows that I have ever felt that way or talked to me about the possibility of being bipolar.

And I have one question for anyone who is bipolar or knows lots about it. I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm curious: are all bipolar people artsy/creative or is that just a stereotype? The person in my family I mentioned earlier is AMAZING with a sewing machine and loves making costumes. Arggghh this is a dumb question...

[Blegh.]

I just had a little revelation.
I read some threads in the Bipolar section of the forum after I read you reply, Lisbeth. Someone there mentioned that mania can be triggered by situations of high anxiety. I then just realised I haven't felt that crazy mood since I started doing my school work at home. I would need a doctor to diagnose me and stuff, but it just really made sense to me all of a sudden. I guess now I have to worry about bringing it up with my T and coping with it when school starts up again in September. Oh no, not September...

Sly September sneaks up on sad sisters, she sees school as straining...

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by Blegh.

I have one person that I know of in my family who is bipolar. I haven't felt that crazy mood in so long. By the time I got to see dome doctors about depression I forgot what it was like. But then the other day I got on my laptop which only works when the sky is cloudy and the wind blows North-West (haha). you're funny. ever thought about doing stand-up comedy? there is a fine line between tragedy and comedy...

And I have one question for anyone who is bipolar or knows lots about it. I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm curious: are all bipolar people artsy/creative or is that just a stereotype? The person in my family I mentioned earlier is AMAZING with a sewing machine and loves making costumes. Arggghh this is a dumb question...

yes people who have bipolar become very creative in their highs especially. some people won't take their meds just so they can get on that high. but that's a dangerous game to play. i manage to get high enough on my own and with my meds. i was originally diagnosed with depression and then later with bipolar. some think that where there is depression there is usually the flip side too. makes sense to me because you can't have one extreme without the other it seems... the one time i got manic it was the best time of my life... i was on cloud nine for a few weeks and was super creative... need to find all the poetry i wrote back then... i believe it showed me that inside me there does exist a confidence and strength and courage and lack of worry... that helps me to remember that especially at times when i am stuck in the despair of depression... i find that bipolar is easier to manage than depression. as long as i take my meds and make sure to get a balanced sleep i'm fine with the bipolar not taking over... the depression is trickier but as i type i realize it is probably as manageable. i just have to accept the things that help my depression like physical activity, and not too much sleep and eating salmon and other brain friendly foods, etc. the one thing about bipolar mania is that eventually you crash, either because you start taking meds again or because you think you can fly and when you hit the pavement it really really hurts.