[nakitakunai]

I had an absolutely horrible birthday (this past Sunday) and now I can't stop thinking about how I am a friendless loser and how nobody cares about me, and I keep replaying bad memories over and over in my head and I can't stop myself... I just feel completely miserable. And I don't even have enough energy to cry right now...

[mulan]

Ok, resuming, just if you wonder, I just studied one lesson today...I haven't slept to much, I couldn't stop thinking and how almost all my thoughts are conversations with other people I really felt I had to write, but mostly I thought nothing gazing no where. I need reality to hit me. When it does it uses to feel overwhelming and way too stressful, but I need, I need reality and need past and future. No one can live like a shadow. I really have too sleep right now.

[Rose76]

Sorry, naki, that you didn't have a nicer birthday. It's the one day when everyone needs to feel a little special.

[seeminglyreal]

Don't know if I'm going to the pdoc tomorrow. My mom wants me to check my back aches first. Maybe I'll go on both doctors if I have the time. I don't even know anymore...

[mulan]

Originally Posted by seeminglyreal

Don't know if I'm going to the pdoc tomorrow. My mom wants me to check my back aches first. Maybe I'll go on both doctors if I have the time. I don't even know anymore...

I think you should think about what makes you feel worse. Because in my opinion it should be your first health concern.

[nakitakunai]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Sorry, naki, that you didn't have a nicer birthday. It's the one day when everyone needs to feel a little special.

Aw, thank you so much. That's really sweet of you.

I feel kind of silly for even letting it bother me especially days after the fact, but I was completely alone all day and the only attention I got from anyone was just one single text message and then a small handful of "happy birthday"s on facebook (AKA the most insincere method of communication, imo). I've been sick for like half of my birthdays in the past with colds, the flu, strep throat, food poisoning, etc etc (for some reason early February and my immune system just don't get along) but THIS one was by far the worst I've ever had because I felt so horribly unloved. I just worry that I'll never be able to make or keep any true friends... I've been an awkward, unpopular, socially inept loser my entire life and I fear that will just always be the case no matter what I try to change about myself.

But, I just went and bought myself some belated pity cupcakes so I do feel a tiny bit better now.

[Hellion]

Is it wrong to think of myself as a causality of this society....due to the horrid treatment I received from teachers and classmates all through public school..which trains people for 'this' society.

As for the causality part, well not in the sense it killed me....but it certainly contributed to all the lovely mental problems I have to deal with what didn't kill me didn't make me stronger. Its what was on my mind, kind of a rant I guess...but its hard not to be depressed and rather angry about it i can't brush it off because it really did damage me.

[regretful]

I've never been so tentative in my life. The depression is bad enough, and the anxiety on top of it is really killing me...

Can't figure out why I'm so down today. I guess I feel like a loser because I can't figure out what to do with myself, and I compare myself to my husband, who's very happy-go-lucky and seemingly carefree (because he's not in a depression like I am). That just makes me feel worse. I have to quit comparing myself to those who aren't in a depression - - or even to those who are. I just have to be me and be ok with it.

[tokiwartooth]

I cannot wait to see him this weekend. It's been two weeks.

No depression since the weekend. ^_^ Hoping to have a good weekend.

[sunsetsunrise]

gave so much of my heart today. I need to remember that it is better to give than to receive. i got to talk with one of my kids today. That was so good. Still my heart ached for the one that could not even answer my cards. When I give up, she cries foul. When I do not give up she doesnt want me around. Its a no win. the only win here can be to get my heart to stop hurting about it. So that has to be my focus. To not blame myself. Thats the task at hand.

[StarStrike]

I went out shopping for my grandparents. Ate lunch at their house... I was supposed to go to the bank with my dad but I called and cancelled making up the excuse that the weather is too strong for me to handle when in reality I don't care if I get blown into the middle of the road with a strong gust of wind (it has happened before and a car was coming towards me) and I like the cold for some strange reason. It's just... Procrastination strikes again. I'd been procrastinating all week about doing the washing up and today I finally did it. It took me such a long time to wash all of the dirty cups and plates. There were too many to fit in the sink.

[bookmadness]

Originally Posted by Hellion

Is it wrong to think of myself as a causality of this society....due to the horrid treatment I received from teachers and classmates all through public school..which trains people for 'this' society.

As for the causality part, well not in the sense it killed me....but it certainly contributed to all the lovely mental problems I have to deal with what didn't kill me didn't make me stronger. Its what was on my mind, kind of a rant I guess...but its hard not to be depressed and rather angry about it i can't brush it off because it really did damage me.

Hi Hellion--

I don't think it's wrong for you to feel that way. We feel how we feel.

Is there something in particular that has come up recently that is making you think more about your educational (well, perhaps educational is not the best word choice here) experiences? Or is it just a constant?

thinking of you--
bookmadness

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by bookmadness

Hi Hellion--

I don't think it's wrong for you to feel that way. We feel how we feel.

Is there something in particular that has come up recently that is making you think more about your educational (well, perhaps educational is not the best word choice here) experiences? Or is it just a constant?

thinking of you--
bookmadness

It was probably triggered by something, just not sure exactly what. Maybe something I read that brought back memories. But yeah sometimes I end up thinking about all that past stuff and it makes me upset and angry.

Trying hard not to make a mistake today by contacting someone. Don't want to erase all the work I've put into not contacting for over a year, but it has been so difficult this past week for some reason.

[tigerlily84]

I'm in a good mood today. I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

[Viuam]

Went to my T today... he is amazing! He put a lot of things into perspective for me. I feel better about a few of the things that I was obsessing over during the past few days. He upped my Lexapro to 15mg a day for the next three weeks. I should have convinced my family that I needed an appointment months ago.

I was told to continue with the 6mg of Lexotanil at night during the next three weeks too. Hopefully the upped Lexapro will help help until my next appointment. The plan is to go down to 3mg of the Lexotanil if I feel better, then taper off until I'm done with it. Will also probably go back to 10mg of lexapro once the crisis is over.

He was pretty positive when I told him I was reading Feeling Good by David Burns. Although he said that it is great to do things to help myself, I shouldnt put all of my hopes on the techniques of one book, mostly to avoid feeling badly if I dont enjoy it. What do you guys think?

Will continue to try and accomplish the "real world" tasks once a day. We'll see how that goes.

We had a good long talk about my break up. We basically concluded that I was not getting what I needed, that I should have ended things earlier, and that I probably freaked out because I was refusing to admit that another realtionship had failed. I called it failure, he called it "reality check". There was a lot more to that conversation but it would take ages to describe, but I'm ok with how it all went.

I spoke with ex via text today, just a basic happy valentines day. Nothing more. I hope that this semi positive attitude merges with the extra meds to pull me out of this. Until then, I was advised not to speak with ex again. My T told me to write an email with all of my feelings towards ex every time I had felt compulsion to text, and instead of senting it to ex, id send it to the T. I thought that was a really cool idea.

I hate having to accept that depression is a part of who I am. I wish I didnt have to take meds, they will probably be a permanent part of my life and it really bothers me. I also hate that I'm so thin skinned, I feel like everyone else is made of stone and I'm more like a marshmallow. Speaking of which, my stomach went on strike today and forced me to eat, but I've lost 5 kilos so far. Hope to actually enjoy food again soon.

Sorry for the long post, a lot happened in my little head today :P

[mulan]

I felt grumpy almost the all day...then I got realy mentaly tired, when I get real tired I feel sick like if I got flue...but is just an head fealing...not aches but almost that.
I have 3 post-its around me saying no distrations, my sister saw it on the last Shameless epidose, don't feel in the mood to watch it even two days ago I was somehow excited with the idea. Post-its don't work at all. In my defense I could say that I read the most boring lesson I have ever read...and I remember some particular boring, until anyoing.
Now I have got here and read some post and get low. I just feel like standing still with no thoughts.
Some minutes ago I had the vision of my future. And it feels realy scaring. I thought for the first time that I realy want to emigrate to some other country. This new laws are just killing me (like seriously?!!!). Once in my life I though that I could have any job I want...but now I feel like leave the ship before it sinks. I realy like to run away from reality, hate to have obligations and face them. The problem is that I probably would become a homeless...terrific. I had a friend somewhere in the past that told me that I would be like a city lunatic because I studied too much I'm thinking on take it seriously. He also said me that I didn't like nothing...so many years ago...and I seem and I though I was happy by then, now I can see I wasn't and by that time I was always frustrated because I couldn't feel sad. The first time I realize my sad feelings were to much volatil ???) I was 7 so...just lovely. Are my meds working somehow? Now I just can eat when I'm hungry and not to much...I feel realy full. I used to ate food as a way to calm me down when I was anxious. I just like don't the fact they make me eat it all...feels so much like when I was a child, very nice times, perhaps yes, perhaps not...maybe they were at the same time the better and the worst times of my life. I don't know what will come next...but I guess I'm imune to all sort of things...
Thinking if therapy would help me any way? (cinical smile...) I just don't know if I can make someone help me. I felt so fake today, why can't I interact with the world without feeling fake. It's like I'm faking even when no body it's watching me... I just said this hundreds of times so it's better not to say it at loud, as anybody can't stand hear me saying this, but I have a bad feeling about the next exam. Some day my preditions have to come true...

[seeminglyreal]

I really, really want to cry but I can't because my mom is still awake. And I don't like to cry until I'm sure I'm alone and no one will hear me.
Will I ever stop hating myself? Will I ever stop wishing I was dead every single day?

[mulan]

Sorry for wasting space on this threath. Is that I remembered one more thing I want to talk about. But you just read if you want.
I'm like "faking" all the time. Sometimes I just say things out of no where, perhaps with my heart, but to the wrong people in the wrong times. It's note like my sould speaks all the time. My male rommie is somehow a needy (???) person. He said me, you don't love me, you don't care about me, but I realy like you, you don't believe in this but I do...anyway I don't even care about me. But sometimes I really try to care about him. And I said this to the wrong person (they all feel the same) and he asked me - and maybe it's true? I digged into my feelings and there was nothing, so I can't lie...and said... Maybe. He get it. I just hope he doesn't ask me the same about him and about all my family, since I can't lie... this thought hits some point in my heart. Tomorrow I won't remember anything.

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by FrightenedRabbit

Trying hard not to make a mistake today by contacting someone. Don't want to erase all the work I've put into not contacting for over a year, but it has been so difficult this past week for some reason.

Hi. If you have chosen not to contact this person because it would hurt you or them in some way, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone else about WHY you feel like you want to in the first place? Sometimes I just turn my phone off and put it in the highest cupboard in the kitchen. I have to get a step stool out to reach it. That helps limit the number of times I reach for the phone.

You could put a description next to that persons contact details saying something like DO NOT CALL, or IF YOU CALL BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN. Something like that. Or erase their details completely.

Do you have that person on social media? Maybe you need a break from certain pages for a bit, at least until you feel better. I turn into a mega cyber stalker when I "need" to know... so the first time I got hit wtih a major episode i got my brother to block a few web pages until I got over it. That one worked wonders.

As you have probably guessed, I have a masters in avoiding people I shouldnt talk to. If you need more ideas, or if you just want to talk, let me know.

[Ganymede00]

I scheduled a phone consultation with a prospective therapist today but she never called. Even though I have trouble sleeping, I woke up extra early and waited all day. I hate talking on the phone so I was anxious all day for nothing. And worst of all, I had the house all to myself (that never happens!) so I would have had all the privacy I needed.

Special day for some. The past is gone but it keeps creeping in, some people we just can't avoid altogether and that sux. Well at least I ate part of a tub of cherry chocolate haagen dazs....shouldn't have, and had a few laughs at the big bang theory. Still, loneliness is overwhelming. I feel more bipolar right now, but this is where I think my baseline is, depressed and so tired of it.

[MotherMarcus]

Not sure about how I'm feeling. Bored ? Tired ? Meh ?