Man...f this day.

[tigerlily84]

Yesterday I went to work, and left again after 2 hours. I really tried, but I couldn't do it because I felt sick. I should have just stayed home. Today I still feel bad, but it's an improvement from yesterday. I decided to stay home today and to try not to feel guilty about it.

I also saw my doctor yesterday. She upped my lexapro dosage to 10 mg. 5mg just wasn't doing anything. We'll see if this makes a difference. I also told her about how my depression seems to worsen on the weekends, and my suicidal thoughts (no plans though). She was not alarmed by it, which I was grateful for. She did ask me to call a therapist, and I haven't done it yet. She seemed annoyed, but I haven't had any motivation lately. I promised to do it by the time I see her for my next followup in 2 weeks. She said that if my mood doesn't improve by then that I should see a psychiatrist.

She also asked me to start a journal and write down things that I'm grateful for. She really is great, especially since her specialty is internal medicine. I said I would try, and I'm going to; it's just hard to see the good right now.

[herethennow]

Is okay. Met pdoc the other day and got ambien for my sleep. Man, im still in a state of confusion. Im not doing okay.. yet i am not too bad either. What?

Sent from my LG-E988 using Tapatalk

[StarStrike]

Had no sleep at all last night. Woke up, feeling nothing. SI'd in the shower and then I knew I was still alive. After college came home to a poop free carpet which means my dog is all better. I've finally been accepted for income support, so now I can help pay the bills, for once. I've finally got my first CBT appointment which will be on Tuesday at 10:00am. And I also diffused a panic attack in the worst of ways. I won't go into details, but I can never wear short sleeves again. I'm a bloody idiot, I know.

[Viuam]

Woke up late, kinda wished I could have slept longer and just skipped the day. Walked the dogs, helped my mom out with the groceries, now sifting through the forums. My chest is still really tight, so I just made myself some chamomile tea. When I'm done I'll take a warm shower. There is such a long list of things that I have to do to get my life moving, but it seems like too much for me. I have to get just one thing done today, just one phone call to make and I won't consider today to be a complete failure.

[seeminglyreal]

After a lot of self pep talk, I finally told my mom about seeing a psychiatrist. I know I've been posting about this a lot, it's just that this is a really big deal for me. I didn't mention depression when I said I wanted to see a doctor, though. I just said it was because of my frequent mood swings and irritability. She took it very well. I might schedule an appointment for friday. Hope everything goes well.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by seeminglyreal

After a lot of self pep talk, I finally told my mom about seeing a psychiatrist. I know I've been posting about this a lot, it's just that this is a really big deal for me. I didn't mention depression when I said I wanted to see a doctor, though. I just said it was because of my frequent mood swings and irritability. She took it very well. I might schedule an appointment for friday. Hope everything goes well.

Hope everything goes well for you too. It's really hard to talk with parents about this kind of issues. I think you handled it pretty well. I hope things get better now for you.

[mulan]

Let's pratice my english a little bit. What about today? It's fine when you don't have to face the real world and you can "hide in your shell". Now I'm feeling that's a lot of rocks in my way that I have to move on. I can't really talk about my day because it is just as it didn't had happened. But it had some times when I thought? What are you doing, please keep rational. I can't. I hope to not ruin things, I hope there aren't bad consequences from it. I deal in the past with some similar issues, ok, not quite similar, but alike and it went out some what not good. I'm still trying to figger out what atitude should I take in order to solve it nicely. I realized the best actitude know is to stay quiet, maybe I should stay quiet more often and don't be drift out by my "imagination", inner world may be better.

[Rose76]

I'm struggling with depression. Can't seem to stay out of bed for long. I feel worthless.

[Ganymede00]

I've made such a mess of my life lately and i just need to vent. I got in a fight with my older sister tonight, big time. She's been having a really hard time at her new job because her social anxiety has been flaring up big time. She's been complaining to me each day for 3 weeks now and its gotten to the point where I honestly don't know what she should do/what to even tell her. She then blows up on me, telling me that at least I know how to deal with my social anxiety. That set me off because she doesn't even know the severity of my problems. So we just started screaming at each other and now we are not talking.

Oh, and I'm trying to set up a phone consultation with one of the therapist that I contacted. I hate talking on the phone. I'm afraid that the emails I sent her made me seem like a more put together person than I am. And now I'm scared and nervous that she will find out how at 24 years old, I'm such a pathetic excuse of an adult (and human).

I haven't been sleeping or eating very well. And the idea that I may never get better is becoming more apparent each day.

feeling really low and unsure of myself today.

so listening to rock to cover up the fact i'm so lost

[seeminglyreal]

Everything is so confusing today... I feel overwhelmed by all the things I want to do, buy, be but don't have the strength, money or willpower to do/buy/be. It all is making me feel very anxious and bad about myself.

[Webgoji]

The doctor literally doubled my antidepressant dosage yesterday and put me on an extended release version of it.

[mulan]

I really, really have to study. It's been harder than I though. My head is just no worries.
Today I felt an awsome (not) dissociative episode was really freaking. My sister was driving way home and she had never drove on that road. So you are like looking at all the known sites in order to not get lost. And there is a tunnel we have to go through and I was waiting for it because it was one of my referencial places. The tunnel is a bit long and you can see it from far behind. And I don't remember to see or cross that tunnel and we get to some point and my sister was asking me where she had to turn. And I became very confused because you hadn't cross the tunel, but I recognize that place as a place after the tunnel. And my sister was like I crossed it just now, don't remember? You're singing that song on the radio. I do remember the song at least the begining of it, but I can't remember myself singing it. Just weird. That was my morning. Now I'm going to study, hope this afternoon to be a productive one.

Feeling a little lower today for some reason. Didn't sleep the greatest last night, after my pdoc had me cut my saphris dose in half. I will try that one more night, then I'm taking a full one again if my sleep is still poor. I can't STAND not getting a good night's sleep. I also have an interview for a full-time contract specialist job on Tuesday. Wish I knew more what the job would entail. Not as excited about this job as I was about the job I didn't get last week. I should be excited about the potential because I'm sick of staying home and having no life.

[Hellion]

I have a cold and feel depressed, not the greatest thing....

I was going to complain about something, but when I got to this page, I realized I needed to show my appreciation for Hellion's avatar. Without fail, that image always takes my mind briefly off what I was bothered by.

[regretful]

It cannot be as bad as I think it is, but it sure feels that way. Went to an AA meeting last night, and left more depressed than when I arrived.

[seeminglyreal]

****ed things up big time at work. Just waiting for someone to tell me I'm fired.

[Rose76]

sore, tired and depressed.

[Bark]

So far so good. I have motivation, the thoughts aren't unmamageable when they do come... in general I feel better. But... but. I'm scared to tell my psychiatrist that I'm not exactly on what he prescribed me. Was it wrong to play with my meds? I am feeling better, at least for now. I'm not abusing the medication (I could probably trigger mania if I wanted to). I'm just tired of the depression and love feeling... 'normal'. I could have been destructive but I tried to be constructive. I don't know. So there's a little anxiety there.

[StarStrike]

Fell asleep about an hour before my alarm clock went off. Knocked off my alarm clock and dozed off. Woke up at half eight knowing my bus would leave at ten to nine. Did a mad dash to the bus station, on an empty stomach (I didn't have time for breakfast) and forgetting to take my glasses. After paying my bus fair I noticed I was a little short on money and couldn't afford lunch. Tutors aren't supposed to lend people money at college, but since the tutor found 20p on the floor it technically wasn't her money. So I had myself some lunch. Came home feeling really numb. Ate a microwave meal and half a raw onion... And told my boyfriend to stop telling me it all gets better, to stop cheering my up and just let me feel my negative emotions. Because sometimes people need to be sad, numb or angry and it's okay.

[Viuam]

I did it! I made a phone call I had to go through after avoiding it for weeks! Now I actually have to do the follow up errands, as well as everything else. I'm still feeling anxious and tight chested, but I did one thing. Let's see how I handle the rest of the day.

up and down, strange, want to cry, want to feel something other than confusion

[mulan]

I say a lot my memory is terrible, no one in my family really believes me, my doctor just told me too that I have a good memory, my father used to say that my memory was my "legendary skill". But I totaly forget things, it's impressive. I was filling the depression quizzes in the other day for the psicologist, and of course there was there the question, do you think in about suicide. I did ansear the option just a little. An right now I remember that I had been some weeks with this thought in my mind "your lived enough, get real, if a year from now, you were feeling the same or just a slight better you should end up your life, you just give it to many tries (to live, to health)". It was in December...it was like a swer (????). A rational thought about me. And sometimes I enjoy the idea of getting a professional killer to shut me in the head. Sireasly (??????) how I'm I supose to believe in what I think my behaviour is.