[breemarie]

Hi,

I am new here. I was hoping to get some support from those that know what its like to suffer from depression. My family and friends (and I use that term loosely) do not understand clinical depression and they try to compare things they go through with what I am going through. It doesn't help. I feel alone and hurt by people in my life. I am an introvert and am shy and somewhat to myself. I can have conversation and be outgoing when I want to, but right now I have no interest in talking to people that cannot be supportive. I can't deal with them. I have isolated myself, cut people off. I don't answer the phone and I don't call people, I half answer my emails. Its because when I try to communicate with people and tell them what is going on or what I'm feeling, I don't get the response I'm looking for. Sometimes I don't get a response at all. Nobody knows what to say and they really don't want to hear my problems or know my pain because then they would maybe feel obligated to help in some way. So I am alone. Well, I do live with my longterm BF but that is a dead end relationship. He is not supportive and can't deal with me and my illness, I know he wants me out of his life but I guess he has a conscience and won't kick me out. I am not working due to my depression. I have been in a major depressive episode for over a year and just recently went to seek medicaid so I can get help. I am looking now for a Dr. who will take it. I don't feel like being here but I have tried to keep from taking my life because I know everyone else will have to deal with it for the rest of their lives. But I am miserable, I hate to wake up. Just looking for somebody who understands and won't judge me or think I'm crazy.

Thanks for listening.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome I am glad you have come to this site. I am sorry that you are in such pain. I am happy that you have sought some help and hope that they will be able to find someone the help you need. Please take care of yourself.

[nothemama8]

breemarie, welcome, we don't judge anyone here the pl are very supportive and like you are survivors
Angie

we understand as most of us have struggled just as you are struggling. it is difficult for anyone who hasn't had any kind of mental illness to understand what we go through.

i can feel how much you are wanting to be supported and you will be here. the more you post, the more support you get. you have to speak up to be listened to and replied to.

i hope you can find someone who will take the medicaid........pat

hi breemarie,

I'm sorry you are feeling alone and depressed.

Good for you for taking the beginning steps to feeling better by getting Medicaid and looking for a doctor for help and a referral to a counselor. A counselor can help when you feel stuck, as I imagine you must.

It can be hard for others to understand. Sometimes they talk about things they have gone through as a way to try to relate, which is a kind thing for them to attempt.

No, we don't always get the response from others that we want. It can be because we haven't expressed to them what we need or would like from them. Even if we have, it is up to them whether or not to provide it, rather than an obligation. I am sure they care for you but don't know what to do and don't have the knowledge and skills that a professional will have to offer you.

What kinds of things make you feel better? Can you focus on those things for now until you begin treatment?

Of course, post here and we'll keep you company!

ECHOES

[Bethsway]

breemarie...welcome to Psych central...I know you will find alot of support and caring here...I too suffer from depression...Hope you have better days soon!!

[breemarie]

Thank you for your concern and support, (thanks to all who replied to me). I know people mean well with their attempts to relate to me and I know that my pain is making them uncomfortable. I know they don't know what to do. But some people really don't want to know whats going on because they don't want to help if it has to do with money, or a place to stay which I can understand. Others I think just don't want to know so they don't have to worry. Then I feel that some people just want to be happy in their own lives and don't want to hear anything negative about anyone else. I have a bad habit of being too open with people about what I'm feeling and what I'm dealing with and I think it turns people off. But I only do it with those I feel closest to. You would think they would be more compassionate. I just feel angry at people because I feel like they don't want to be involved with me, I feel like some people have deliberately avoided contacting me. My bf feels like he's stuck with me, I know he wishes my family would take me in. He knew I suffered with depression but didn't experience it until now. Now it is too much for him, he doesn't want to deal with me. I feel totally betrayed by him. Nothing helps me feel better right now. All I want to do is sleep. I feel hopeless. I know that if I do manage to get out of this depressed state, find a job and try to get my head above water, it will be just a matter of time before something happens to make me go down hill again. I recently saw something on depression and they said your chances of having another episode increases with each episode. This would be my 3rd major depressive episode where I am not able to function and saw death as the only way out. With me, if my life is miserable and I'm unhappy, eventually I will start to lose hope and end up with a major depression. So I don't feel very hopeful about ever getting over this.

[sadeyesr4ever]

I am pretty new here as well. A very warm welcome to you breemarie. (((hugs)))

[kimmydawn]

Welcome breemarie. Also, welcome sadeyesr4ever.

I'm so sorry that you've been dealing with this depression for so long now...especially with little support and understanding. That's hell on earth...doubled.

On the other hand, I'm thrilled your taking steps to get the help you need and and want. I wish you more than well there.

We care, and many of us understand depression.

Again, welcome.

KD

[FaithisAlive]

Welcome to Pc.. I'm sorry you feel so alone and misunderstood.

At PC, people are accepting and have had similar experiences so you will be understood around here....

Just keep posting and sharing... wishing you the best...

Faith

[Boopers]

Hi Breemarie,

I understand where you are coming from as I have fought depression all my life. I guess it's something I will struggle with for the rest of my life.
I'm so sorry that you are also struggling. Are you on any antidepressants? If not, that might help you to cope. I have been on them for many years off and on and I can tell you that they make a big difference in my life. You may have to try several different ones before you find the right one but I bet there is one that will help.
I think you are right, some people don't want to hear about someone who is depressed as they are living happy lives and don't want to think about someone who isn't. I wish you could find one person who would listen and try and help you. Too bad your BF feels the way he does but maybe he just doesn't know what to do. Will he listen to you when you talk to him about it? If so, then sometimes talking things out helps.
I wish you all the luck in finding a doc to help you. Keep coming back and talking all you need to as we have been there and understand.
Take care of yourself,
Linda

[ouch]

Trust me, I know what you're talking about. At this exact moment things are a little bit better for me - so hang in there - you will have better days. Get a good therapist or maybe join a depression group - that could help.
you could google it and see what you find... hang in there!

[breemarie]

Thank you for your support and concern. I am not on meds right now. I just recently received medicaid and am having a hard time finding a doctor that accepts it. I was going to a local hospital (begrudgingly) and I have an appt on 11/29. I should confirm that it is still on as they are not very professional and have screwed up my appts in the past. I am trying to find somewhere else I can go. I was going there when I had no means to pay and that was the only place I could go. I wasn't happy about it because I don't like the hospital, I've had problems with them before. But my BF pretty much made me go. He called and made the appt. They set me up with a counselor to talk to but I cancelled that appt. I don't want to go there. I don't want to go anywhere really because I don't want to bump into people I know. I use to work in the mental health field and I know alot of people. Its embarrassing how far I have fallen. I was taking effexor before when I had insurance but when I lost the insurance I couldn't afford it and the withdrawal was very unpleasant. I don't ever want to go on that again. I'm really afraid of any antidepressants after not having alot of success with them. No medication really changed me and my behavior. And like I said when I would miss a day or so I would start to have withdrawal symptoms. This happened with wellbutrin and another med I was on that I can't remember the name. I don't have luck with meds. If anyone knows of a med that helped them please let me know. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I spent it alone. My family whats left of them spent it together, they wanted me to come but I couldn't deal with being around a bunch of people. My mom passed away suddenly 8 months ago and we are all grieving. I am not dealing with it well at all and it has contributed to my depression. I am not close to my siblings and I have some issues with them. As I said, I feel alone. My bf went to his families house for dinner. I cooked for the two of us but was alone all day. I can't expect him to sit next to me all of the time just because I have nobody else. However he doesn't think about what I deal with and what it is like for me. He leaves me all of the time to go be with his family, his friends. He is home during the week but only to sleep and when the weekend comes he is usually gone. He is going today to spend the rest of the weekend with his family. They only live in the next town over but he goes to help them out with things he says. I don't get along with his family I never have. I have really good reasons for not bothering with them. I don't want to get into the details but I'll just say I would bet if anyone were in my shoes they would understand completely. Sorry to babble on, I am just feeling very down today. I hope everyone else had a good holiday and thanks for your kind words to me, it is very much appreciated.

Bree Marie.

[ouch]

I haven't had much luck with meds either - I am trying to go off effexor - it is hard!!! I am feeling so down today I could scream! plus, i have been having horrible withdrawal symptoms (have spent most of the last few days in the washroom). So, i understand what you're saying about meds. The problem is, I don't know if I can make it without them. Trying though. Hang in there, hopefully life will get better (tomorrow is another day), excuse the cliches. Maybe I can convince myself also of what I'm saying to you...

[ster]

hi breemarie, glad you are here. I know a lot of how you feel I have a problum talking and feel left out. I have posted on here not as much as I would lilke.

[breemarie]

Thanks everyone for your support. I am really tired of feeling the way that I do. I cannot go through this again next year. It is a struggle to get through every day. I have to literally talk myself out of putting an end to it sometimes. I had to tell this to my BF, not so that he'll feel guilty or pity me but he needs to know what I deal with. I tried to express what I am going through to some of my friends and family but they just have no clue. Some of them just don't even respond to me, like "maybe if I don't say anything she'll start talking and acting normal". Then Oprah has that show on about, "the truth about depression, father kills daughters. Talk about making things worse for anyone suffering with this disease. Now people are afraid that we are dangerous too. I know I am going to stop even talking about it with anyone. I'm sorry I ever confided in people in the first place. They will never look at me the same again or be able to have the same relationship with me again. I admit I played a part in people turning away from me but why can't they see that I'm in pain and that is why I avoid them. Why can't they just continue to try to get through to me. Just keep contacting me to let me know you won't give up on me. NO, people just figure, I'll leave her alone, I'll give her space. Someone did say that to me recently. If you don't know how to act or what to say why can't you find out. There are books, websites all kinds of info on depression. Why can't people that claim to care about you take the time and energy to learn about your illness and how to deal with you? Because they don't feel they should have to. I think most people feel that we are needy and dramatic. People have said to me that they are depressed too, who isn't depressed, I have been told. That's helpful. I'm sorry, I am just angry and hurt and I feel abandoned by people. I feel like people don't care. On another note, I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist hopefully this week and I am hoping he will prescribe an antidepressant. I'm hesitant about it but I know I need to be on something. Does anyone have any suggestions for a good antidepressant that works and doesn't have unpleasant side effects? I am really worried about if I ever have to stop taking them for some reason I will have withdrawal symptoms. But if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. Thank you all.

Bree Marie.

[Boopers]

Hi Bree Marie,

I'm so sorry you are still struggling. It breaks my heart that you spent Thanksgiving alone. I do hope you try anti-depressants again. I don't know what you have tried but I am on Prozac and Wellbutrin. The wellbutirn doesn't help much but the Prozac seems to really help me. It takes awhile when you first start taking it but after a couple of weeks, you should see a difference.
I hope your BF will be more caring and concerned. He just doesn't know what to do, I'm sure. Keep talking to him and keep coming on here and talking to us any time you feel the need. We are here to help.
Take care,
Linda

[breemarie]

Can't deal with anything anymore. I am a complete waste of space. I cannot stand being in my own skin. I have f-----d up my life and the depression hasn't helped. I can't blame it all on that though, I am just irresponsible. Now I have no way out and I can't even get out of this depressed state. I am ruining my bf's life and everyone else has had it with me too. I am draining. I don't know why God allows me to continue living.

[foxynatty]

oh BreeMarie a kindered spirit you have in me.

I went through and am going through some very similar things.

The first man I have ever loved, couldn't handle the depression. He too thought he could, since I'm very upfront about it from the start. Like your BF, he had not experienced an episode, especially a double depression (combo with Dysthymia). It was a fairly new relationship, so as custom goes, we didn't last past the 5 mo. mark. Even I have never felt this way about anyone till I met him. He was the first man I ever made love to, totally different experience from sex, which as all I had known.

I too am discouraged by my friends lack of compassion and care. You send them emails they don't respond. You can only get access to them if you are the one to trek to see them, even though you are the one who's most tight with me, due to being on Employment Insurance and now it's run out.

I see a Counsellor, today she told me that I don't need friends like that. She suggested I email them and say, "listen, either you come and visit me, just for me, and not to see some concert etc, because I won't be coming to see you, due to lack of energy, and money".

But they are all busy with their happy little lives with newborn child and new job, and having parties with their friends in their city. So I've had enough. I joined a self help group, where I met some wonderful ladies, and for once since my break up, I can talk to women who can relate who are not named Mom.

As for people not understanding, we've all been there, espeically at work and with loved ones, and significant others. Is it me or do BF or GF close themselves off to understanding. I used to send my ex-SO (significant other) articles about depression and take books out of the library on how to cope with someone you love is depressed. But he never read them, if only after our relationship ended, if he ever got past the first few pages before being bored.

I wish he would have come with me to support groups or go to Family Information night, but he prefered his work, his pals, and his sports. It's disheartening, but something we all have to deal with at some point, for the most part.

The thing that has kept me a little up, is that fact that a relationship 'failing' is not all your fault. I used to take the whole blame and keep doing so at times, but it takes 2 to tango. Your BF had his fair share in your less than stellar outcome. So let him take responsibility for his own action or more like inaction.

Keep us informed, most of us have been there;, done that, wrote about it. I'm new as well, and I still can't phantom why I haven't come on this site till now, 3 months after the breakup and 5 months after the start of depressive episode. But I"m glad I did.

When you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot.

Nathalie

[DarkMoon69]

I feel like I have been losing it this past week. I just read your postings, BreeMarie, and I was surprised to see someone feeling so much like I feel right now. I feel absolutely helpless. I have shut myself off from the world this past week. I don't want to communicate with anyone and only today when I felt like I was falling off a cliff that I was able to make the effort to type "depression" in Google.

I have been dealing with depression most my life. Right now I am having another episode. This one was triggerd by a letter in the mail. I'll go back to last year when I got arrested for DUI. Thank goodness I did not hurt anyone! I was discovered stuck on a railroad track. I have been pretty much a wreck since then. The short story is that I spent thousands of dollars, lost my case, paid my fines, served my community hours and had my license suspended. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. I was not an alcoholic. I was, prior to that night, a very responsible social drinker and was usally the designated driver since I rarely drank. The letter was from the State of Florida letting me know about my lost case and suspended license (4 months later. Things seem to take a while to get put in the system here, I guess). I don't have health insurance. I just lost my job last night. My car got totaled from the accident and my car insurance dropped me. My friends don't even know I get this way. Hardly anyone knows I even got arrested. My boyfriend and I have our own issues between us and just started couple counseling. I feel many of the issues are because of me getting so depressed. What bothers me so much is the loss of control. I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend or anyone else WHY I get this way. Most people see me as very socialable and easy-going. No one would believe I got a DUI. I can only ignore the phone and e-mails for a short time before people start questioning my reclusive behavior again. I know I am also to blame for feeling so ashamed to admit I have a depression condition. I literally feel like I can stay shut in my room for weeks without seeing or talking to anyone I know..just my dogs and me. I have done distructive, agoraphobic behaviour before. I don't want to be put on meds. I would be willing to take something natural. I do feel like I need to get alot of stuff out of my head and feel like I might be able to relate with some of you here. I am not into public meetings and I cannot afford additional private therapy sessions...especially since I just lost my job. I have cried all day. Part of my head knows what tasks I need to accomplish today and then the depression fills and I end up crying and can't organize my thoughts or focus to do anything but feel a cloud of misery. I know I've rattled along and I probably typed all this in a scattered fashion but I know I won't be judged by that or feel like I have to have structured paragraphs. Thanks for letting me let some of this out.Thanks, BreeMarie for sharing your thoughts. You were the one that made me feel compelled to post.

[goldmaiden]

I didn't read all of your post. But the title caught me.

I feel SO alone.

[breemarie]

I'm sorry so many people feel as alone and miserable as I do. I know they say misery likes company but I truly don't like to hear of anyone being miserable. But it seems that maybe my posts helped others to have the courage to post also. Right now this is all I have. I am not communicating with anyone. I cry daily. I am indoors everyday unless I go to the store or have an appointment. My apartment is very dark and depressing. It is a horrible mess also since I don't have the energy to clean. I barely want to shower and get dressed. I walk around in sweats, my hair uncombed half the time. I am a complete mess. It is a wonder my BF has not thrown me out. He feels responsible for me I guess. But I know he wishes I had somewhere else to go. I feel bad that I have put him in this position. On the other hand I get angry with him because I know he doesn't want this relationship and I feel I have put my all into it and him. I was doing fine for the past 8 1/2 years. I was working and taking care of everything, making sure the bills were paid and everything. He was unemployed several times over the past 10 years. He wasn't sick either. He feels bad for me at times and will try to comfort me but other times he gets mad at me and says you need to get a job. I feel humiliated at the fact that I feel unable to get and keep a job right now. I don't feel like I can do anything. My self esteem is in the toilet. I just feel like a failure and a loser. I finally spoke to someone the other day. A family member called and I decided to answer the phone. He was questioning me about what was going on with me. He was clearly concerned and trying to be helpful but the fact that he was asking so many questions about my messed up life was just making me more depressed. He wanted to know why I couldn't find work, why am I not married since I have been with my BF for so long, he just kept digging. I was getting very upset and frustrated. I told him this is why I don't usually talk to people. I said I know you mean well and your concerned but lecturing me isn't helpful. So he hung up shortly after that. I did tell him I appreciated him and loved him but I guess he won't be calling again. This is how all of my conversations end up. People wanting to know why my life is in such a mess and why don't I just fix it and me ending up feeling worse. This is the reason why I withdraw and isolate. I don't know what the answer is. I did see a Dr. and she put me on wellbutrin which I was on before once. She claims she will increase it to a higher dose and that it is a very good medication. Whatever! I'll try it. I am supposed to start seeing a therapist next week. I am not sure about whether any of this will help me. I just feel so hopeless about my life. I thought I was going to have a life with my BF and it is clearly not happening. I am just here because I have nowhere else to go. I am not close to anyone else. I just don't know what will happen to me.

I have bipolar & went into a depression despite the meds I was on so my doc added Wellbutrin & it helped me a lot. I was able to get off it in the spring (I have some SAD, apparently).

I hope it will help you &, if not, I hope you will be willing to try other meds. It took a year of experimentation for me to get the right meds for my bipolar. My doc gave me hope that I could get well & feel better. I think the therapy will help as well. Don't give up! Just try working on getting well & don't worry about the bf just yet. You need to concentrate on yourself, IMO. Take care.--Suzy

[breemarie]

I honestly don't know if I can last a year like this.