[paynful]

I know I shouldn’t complain. Today isn’t horrendous… but it really isn’t a good day. That should mean that it’s neutral, right? I feel so conflicted about this.

I mean, my depression doesn’t feel like it’s actively kicking me in the gut. Typically, I am at one end of the spectrum or the other. Today, I can breathe without pain from simply existing, but I’m not zombie-numb either… I’m somewhere in the middle. But there is still an absence... an absence of self?

I’m not sure if this makes sense… but I feel like I’m lacking the ability to feel …anything other than useless.

It’s not like I expected to wake up happy. Usually, I wake up wishing… that I didn’t. I wish that it was still night, that I could go back to sleep.

It’s like there is this invisible barrier that I just can’t break through. It’s keeping me contained.

I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t expect to feel elated. But today is one of those days that I woke up KNOWING that I wouldn’t be able to DO ANYTHING. I won’t be productive. I go through the motions. Let the dog out, take care of the woodstove, make coffee, feed the dog, etc….. It’s not until I start to feel sick that I realize I haven’t fed myself.

I know that sitting, reading, and/or watching TV will not make me feel better or help my problems. But I just can’t get through my own barrier. I needed a distraction to waste away the hours. I found a new book on my kindle. I was hoping to get lost in it. Distract myself long enough… until I could go back to bed. It was the WRONG book to read. It should have had a trigger warning on it. I’m trying to push myself through reading until the end, hoping that the character will overcome and triumph… but I just can’t. And now I feel worse. The book’s character is doing better than I am and dealing with bigger problems than me.

What am I supposed to do with myself when I can’t FORCE myself to do ANYTHING? Sit here and be miserable. Feel sorry for myself like some sort of pathetic being. If I could give my life to some one who deserves it, I would. There are people dying out there from illness or wasting away from injury that would do SO MUCH MORE with their life than me if only given HALF the chance.

Today, I am pathetic. Tomorrow can not come soon enough… it could be different… right? Dear god, I hope so. I have to hope… If I don’t have faith in the POSSIBILITY, then I truly have nothing.

[Curupira]

What you are describing is the worst part of depression for me. The overall blah. I almost prefer the pain to the general suck. I wish I could give sage advice but I don't know how to snap out of it either.

The best I can do is say. Cut yourself some slack. You are making it through the day. You are breathing, hopefully eating and that is ok. Tomorrow is a new day and maube you will have more strength if you don't that is ok as well. Be kind to yourself you are taking on a big enemy and you derve to give yourself some kindness and compassion

[bookmadness]

You are not pathetic. Today you just feel pathetic.

You have a wonderful way with words, paynful. Since you like to read, and watch shows and get involved with characters have you ever written? Or thought about just writing more about how you're feeling? (You explain so much about how I am feeling I want to copy and paste and send to my family

At least for me and my experience with depression the worst of it isn't the days when you feel like you are going to die, but the days of limbo when you are not motivated, feeling stuck, and like you are trapped under a weighted vest. Your head might have these fabulous notions of what you could do, but your body and mind will have no part of it. At that middling level of depression you are all too aware of what you could be doing "only if."

In limbo nothing fits right, feels right, or tastes right. Books are started but never completed. And you're glad is isn't the worst, but where is the better? The best-est?

You deserve to have your life, not give it to someone else. Depression and whatever else might be challenging you (me,too) are not you, even if they feel like they are taking over too much of your life right now. You deserve to live your life just as much, and if all you can do is make 1 phone call, 2 PC posts, and brush your teeth tomorrow: then those are your accomplishments for the day.

I will hope with you, and I bet some other PC folks will too, on days when you need us, too
bookmadness

[paynful]

Thank you for saying these things!

If I could figure out how to quote from 2 different screen names/posts, I would show you specifically. Unfortunately, I'm tired and not very tech savvy.

I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that I am not alone in this. I felt so GUILTY. I felt like I was being ungrateful! Like because my depression wasn't at its worst, that it was supposed to be an improvement... that I should have been able to DO something with myself.

When I'm not at those extremes.. it seems like it SHOULD be an indication of me getting better, but it appears to only be a different variation of my illness. ...Or a sick twist of an illusion, because I still feel helpless while, at the same time, AWARE that I should be doing better.

...I'm just confusing myself now lol, but my point is...

THANK YOU! Your validation has eased me. I can breathe a little easier now.

Dear, sweet Paynful....

I cannot tell you how often I see your lovely, positive posts....but feel the struggle that you hide.

Frequently, I wish I could sleep through the night and the day and the next night. I am not suicidal, rather I am SLEEPicidal......I want to be unconscious in order not to feel the pain of depression and the constant questioning that accompanies it.....

I don't try to DO any of the recommended things...I simply can't.

I watch a funny movie.....I play games online that make the hours pass quicker.....I take a bath (my guilty pleasure)....I try not to cry.

And, like you, I hope that tomorrow is better.

My own personal experience is that, even though I am out of the deep, dark well, my new "normal" is not static....but rather unpredictable and unexpected highs and lows.....If my lows dip beneath a certain point, then I am in a little trouble. But if not, I simply have to handle the down days as well as I can and then be grateful for any that are above average.

And that is a positive that I have found with depression....we all appreciate good days so much more than people "on the outside".

Hugs

[paynful]

I'm stuck again... so F***ING stuck. I feel like I'm screaming but no sound comes out!

My severe depression is debilitating enough so that I cannot help myself. I can barely function. I am in the “in between” stage again… I’m not in horrific, hysterical-crying pain, but I’m not zombie-numb oblivious, either.

However, I am getting DESPERATE. I feel like I’m about to climb the walls or claw off my own skin, but I’m paralyzed in my stagnancy, darkness and fatigue. That invisible barrier that is holding me captive is getting stronger as I get weaker… or my depression is getting stronger and dominating over my every thought/action (or lack of action, I guess). I don’t know.

From a professional’s point of view, I am functioning enough not to need crisis intervention. I’m not suicidal. I know in the coming days that if this continues, I will have suicidal ideation. I still won’t actually attempt anything, though. (I’m pretty certain.) I know I need to call and make an appointment with a doctor, but I haven’t been to see a doctor or therapist in about 4-5 years. I don’t want to start the invasive process all over again. I don’t want to be on medication again. Based upon my prior history, anti-depressants aren’t even an option to consider. I, also, have some interrelating (physical) health issues. So, I don’t know which kind of doctor to call first.

No one can help me right now, but me… so I’m pretty much screwed.

I scream, but I have to voice. Everything is overwhelming. I’m annoyed and frustrated at the littlest things (this is not typical for me).

I can see the steps I must take, but I can’t move. I have to force myself to eat and sleep, but I can do little of either.

I am well enough that no one will intercede, but I’m sick enough that I can’t help myself.

Where does that leave me? My own personal Limbo…

When I was at my worst, I frequently somehow "felt" as if I was standing in the middle of the street screaming as loud as I could, but still nobody stopped, or looked, or cared.

You may not be suicidal, but you are most definitely in crisis. What about one of the hotlines?

Depression Hotline | Depression Clinics

Contact Crisis Hotline | From Breaking Point to Turning Point

There should be a place for us to go when we're desperate....Just to put ourselves in somebody else's hands....

As always, you can PM me anytime.

[Altered Moment]

I am so sorry for you Paynful. I know how hard it is. All I can say is give yourself permission to be how you are. You can't help it.

That truly is a terrible place to be I'm so sorry. I guess. I mean, this probably won't help right now but this kind of reminds me of the Chinese finger trap. You're struggling against your depression so hard and you feel like you aren't moving forward. I think, at times like this the best thing you can do for yourself is do your best to relax--which is much harder than imagined haha. The answers will come to you but if you try to force it, you'll only stress out more. Zinco is right about the whole permission to be how you are right now. Which is true because it's only temporary. Focus on what you can do for now and get lots of rest. There will always be hope as long as you're here

Stay strong!

[LadyShadow]

I am sorry things are rough right now. Your post strikes a chord with me because I am stuck in neutral too. I am basically high functioning, and they will take my disability away soon. I am stuck in fear of the future and what will happen to me.

Everyday is totally uneventful. Get up, eat, lay down, go on the internet and watch tv. That's my entire day, every day. I wake up at 4pm with the entire day gone, while I stay up till 6am. My sleep is medicated. I am medicated. If I didn't have my pdoc and therapist I would live in fear that my symptoms of bipolar will come back. The past 10 years have been a blur of bipolar, car accidents and 7 years of laying in bed. Literally 7 years of just laying in bed. I have no will to get out of bed or do anything, yet I am considered to be high functioning. I am in a desolate limbo, with no hope, and no dreams. Just stuck. Perpetually stuck.

You are not alone in feeling this way. Not at all. And I hope you do feel better soon

[paynful]

Originally Posted by paynful

From a professional’s point of view, I am functioning enough not to need crisis intervention. I’m not suicidal. I know in the coming days that if this continues, I will have suicidal ideation. I still won’t actually attempt anything, though. (I’m pretty certain.) I know I need to call and make an appointment with a doctor, but I haven’t been to see a doctor or therapist in about 4-5 years. I don’t want to start the invasive process all over again. I don’t want to be on medication again. Based upon my prior history, anti-depressants aren’t even an option to consider. I, also, have some interrelating (physical) health issues. So, I don’t know which kind of doctor to call first.

No one can help me right now, but me… so I’m pretty much screwed.

I am well enough that no one will intercede, but I’m sick enough that I can’t help myself.

Where does that leave me? My own personal Limbo…

I was feeling a little better today. I decided that while I still didn't know the "right" person/place to call, I just had to do something. Time to take action while I still have the drive to do it.

I figured I would call to make appointments at my local mental health services (for my depression and anxiety) and a walk-in clinic for my physical ailments. Those doctors are used to shuffling people back and forth, and they could sort me out. Well... silly me.

Unless I want to work the rest of my life JUST to pay them for an initial visit, I have to sort the insurance first. Obviously. However, I was naive enough to believe that things could be sorted retroactively. Well the process is such that... even if I signed up yesterday, I wouldn't be able to get help until the first of next month. I know this shouldn't be shocking to me, but damn, I feel dumb... and defeated.

I just want to crawl under my covers and stay in the fetal position forever. I'm just so very, very tired. I don't even want to find help now. So what if my swelling organs are doing weird s***. Maybe the aching lower back and sharp pains in my abdomen will do me a favor. Who cares that the depression is dragging me deeper and deeper. Maybe I'll get so lost in my head, no one will be able to find me.

Maybe I'll stop b**ching like a little girl in the morning, and step up. Maybe I just needed to write this out so I can read it in the morning. When I get mad, I end up getting results... it usually starts with, "I'm going to have to speak to your supervisor..." lol

Only time will tell.... until then... fetal position, it is!

Did you make the appointments?
If you did, that was a great achievement in itself.

If not, tell them that you CANNOT wait that long. Call your insurance company and tell them too. Exceptions can always be made.

Until you get it sorted, we need you here.

(plus look on the bright side...at least you don't have parents visiting. If you did, I'm sure they're nice people, though)