[Rose76]

Friday, I couldn't leave the house due to pain in my heel. It's better today, and I see the doctor on Thursday to get the result of some x-rays of my heel. The surgery to fix the tendon problem causing this is a miserable ordeal that I'm not interested in having. I'm not even sure what was the point of having the x-rays. The problem is obvious. There is a big lump on my heel. No need for an x-ray to see it.

Last night and today, I've taken some hydrocodone to ease my state of mind. Once in a while I do that, and it sure helps. I'm not having pain, as long as I'm off my feet, but becoming more and more depressed. Lots of things have gone wrong with my life and I think of suicide as something that will eventually be the best option for me, but not for at least a few years. I'm not in any danger any time soon. My S/O's health is going downhill fast, and I'm over at his place a lot helping him. It is dreary because he finds it too hard to leave the house and hardly ever goes anywhere with me anymore. He is pretty content to watch TV all day, everyday. I get everything done for him that he needs and it shows me how important it is to have someone to help when you get older. (He is about 20 years older than me.) I won't have anyone to help me the way I help him, which is why I think a lot about suicide as an escape, if I ever get immobilized.

I'm in a hopeless frame of mind. When I had foot surgery 11 years ago, my S/O was able to help me in every way . . . shopping, cooking etc. Now he isn't able. That's why I don't want the surgery on my heel. But the problem is getting worse, and I see myself as eventually ending up in a bad jam. Money can solve a lot, if you have enough to hire help when you need it. I don't have, so, again, I see myself as someday being stranded.

I've struggled with depression all my life. I functioned fairly okay and depended on no one most of my life. That all changed in 2010 when things got bad after I lost a pretty good job. I ended up on SSDI and I went for all kinds of psych help. It doesn't help, and I've given up on it. I do take this one antidepressant that does make things less awful. I was put on a bunch of other psych meds that did absolutely no good. I just go to the pdoc and get my script for the one med I take and I keep taking it. But I don't discuss anything much with the pdoc because it's pointless. I have zero interest in any further visits to therapists.

They say depression is "treatable," but I'm sick of hearing that. So is cancer, but treatable doesn't mean fixable. Cancer wins in some people, and so does depression. They can't do any more for me. I accept that my life will get much worse, as I get older. I've pushed myself hard a lot in my life, and I managed to keep myself going. Now I just want to stay asleep or get slightly high. I know this shows I have no character, and I'm willing to admit that as 90% of my problem. Other than here at PC, I don't talk about any of this to anyone. There is just no point. I tell myself to just hang in with things for as long as my S/O is alive, which I don't expect to be more than a year of two, if that. He would be stranded without me.

I used to react to a bad episode of depression by going out and partying a bit. I'ld wake up with a hangover, and then I'ld be in pretty good shape till the next bad episode. In between episodes I'ld get a lot done, and my life went along okay. Now I never drink excessively and I keep getting these episodes with little good time in between. I wish I could "tie one on" like I used to and feel better that way. I am going down hill, and I don't see any hope of reversing this.

[gayleggg]

Facing getting older is hard and being depressed doesn't help. My S/O is healthily so far except he has glocomma is his eye sight is getting worse. We are the same age and it is scary wondering if we will be able to take of each other.

Some of your depression may be caused by care taking is a tough job. And you are not get a lot in return. Unfortunately that happens when one person is unable to take care of themselves and leaves it to the other.

Maybe you should get out and socialize some. Be careful depending too much on hydrocodone it can be very addictive. I know it will be hard for you if you have to have surgery. Can your SO help out at all? Or is he totally disabled to the point he couldn't help at all? You sound like a strong woman. But depression plus your foot problem would definitely keep you on the couch. Depression has me on the couch,too. I hope you can find solution that will work for you. Best wishes.

Dear Rose,
Just saw this, I checked to see when you were here last. I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly, you ARE in a tough place. Sorry to hear about your foot. You have to take care of yourself though, I know its hard to when we feel so badly about ourselves. I know you are trying to find a way, I hope that this will work out and you find maybe a new medication that might help?
Why does depression have to steal our joys? I'm sorry it feels like there are no answers. I wish I could give you hope. You have been such an awesome friend. How can we help, I wish I knew. It does feel like we want to escape, and physical pain on top of depression, on top of caring for someone else and not being able to get help from someone, to get your own needs met.. oh, Rose , I do feel for you. Please let us all know how you are doing?

[regretful]

I agree with needarealitycheck. Rose, you've been very helpful to so many. I hope that can find another time when you're in pretty good shape.

do they have a "meals on wheels" program where you live? At least you can have a good meal once a day without having to stand and potentially aggravate your heel.

[Rose76]

I'm not doing so good. I just came back from seeing my doctor. I don't confide in him . . . I don't feel trusting of him. He sent me for more e-rays of my foot and blood work to check for rheumatoid arthritis. I never heard of getting RA in just one foot. So I don't believe that's even possible. He also referred me to the orthopedic clinic. It could be a few months to see what's next. Back when I was working, I would have paid to get appointments right away, even if it all came out of my pocket. Now I just wait and worry.

He says as little as possible and keeps the visit very short. I wish he could have talked with me more about this foot and how scared it makes me feel. I am so disappointed. Then, again, I would be afraid to tell him I am so depressed. I don't want to jeopardize getting my hydrocodone.

I went to my s/o's place, and I started off okay . . . cleaning his place, taking his laundry to the laundromat, shopping for him, a little cooking. Then I got depressed, and I became useless. I don't want to go back there today. He really is getting to where he shouldn't be alone, and I feel bad. I only feel okay when I know I am about to fall asleep. I want to get out of my life, which is nothing but a trap now. I feel so awful.

Thank you, each of you. I don't know what to do about him, and that is a lot of my stress.

[Rose76]

I've been researching the foot ailment I have and the surgery to correct it. Ten years ago, or even 3 years ago, I would have had my boyfriend to take care of me during recovery. He would have shopped and cooked and done anything I would have needed. But now, he can't hardly take care of himself. He is alone tonight and I feel guilty leaving him on his own. Each time I go over, I see that he is more and more dependent.

I am just weeping with awful sadness and feeling so bad. I am awfully depressed. I am telling myself that people have much worse things than this happen. It feels like things are just getting to where there is no good way to cope. And, other than here, I have no one to even talk to about it. One of my sisters would probably let me stay with them, if I needed help, but I can't go anywhere because I can't leave my s/o alone.

I have a brother that lives two miles from me who could have made such a difference, but he doesn't even talk to me. He became so mean to me, even though I got him out of jail and got him out of being homeless and did all I could to help him get settled and be alright. He's mad that I said I would not take care of his orphan cats anymore. He keeps getting arrested and leaves pets behind in the lurch. I did care for one cat, but I can't do it every time he gets arrested. So he cut off contact with me. Maybe that's for the best, as he can be an awful person to be around. I had this pipe dream that we would help each other. He just takes and doesn't give. That if I ever broke my leg, he could bring me a bag of groceries. He's awful wrong to be so mean.

My boyfriend gets mad, if I cry about anything. I kind of wish he would go into a nursing home. But that would make me very sad too. It seems there is no way out of things being just beyond what I know how to take care of. I just want to escape some way. But there isn't any way.

My next door neighbor no longer talks to me, after me putting up with her addict son for years asking me for money and I never reported it to the landlord. I don't deserve people to be as mean to me as they have been. I'm here complaining because there is no where else to go. I'm a failure in life, and it's getting to be too much I have to pay for not being more successful. I just want to go dig a hole and get in.

I'm so sorry Rose. You are worth so much more than what this life is giving you right now, and has. I don't understand why, why so much pain and suffering. I wish I could say something to help. I wish somehow the pain could disappear. Please, keep hanging on. You have given too much of yourself to others that don't return it, or help. It isn't fair. I know you have given your all. You, just being here for others when you could, is the best thing you could have done, and all that you did for your family and s/o. It's so not fair. You are a success, you have pain and heartache and needs to be met. This sux being on the internet instead of in a position to be next door and go get those groceries for you. I sound a little nuts, but seriously, I wish we could all help. Is there any resources for help for you? I know its probably redundant to ask, you are taking care of him, and that's why you won't go get help for you.
You HAVE to find a way for YOU now, somehow.. hugs again

[Rose76]

Thank you. I am not one to fail to see all the faults I have, and there are plenty. But I truly have been real good to some people who have been awful in return, and it does hurt so much at this time in my life.

I do have enough faith in my own resourcefulness to believe that I will find a way to get through whatever I need to get through. I do have that much security in believing that I can find a way. It seems I always get thrown back on my own resources. I'm proud of myself that I've always managed to deal with things on my own. It just hurts to find myself starting to feel frail, which I never really was in my life before. I'm frail and there is no one to pick me up. Even my s/o never has really been there for me when trouble has come into my life.

I did always tell myself that as long as I had my health, I would keep coping no matter how depressed I got. I did always tell myself that I could let go of life, if I got to where, physically, it was too much for me, and I was alone. I suppose I'm not that bad off yet. My fear is more for the future.

[TerryL]

rose, you are not failure. you do nothing but try to help others. you reached out to me when i first joined pc and you were so wonderful and supportive and i will always be grateful to you. life is not always fair when someone who has such a caring soul is not rewarded. it also is upsetting to see how your so's family is not helping him more and putting such a burden on you.

[Clara22]

Hi Rose,
This is not good and I think about you every day. I feel deep in my heart that things will accommodate. I do not plenty agree with other comments I think because of my culture which is more community driven. I do not believe generally in situations where it is about either "me" or "them". To me it is about at this moment you cannot take care of your boyfriend as before. He cannot take care of you, either. Perhaps your depression this time is more related to mourning all what is in the past, all the possibilities that did not became a reality. In reality there are solutions. They are tough. Forgive me if I am too stupid this time but somehow I think this in an opportunity for your bf to get finally to the place he needs to be. In the past, you have been wondering about your role in this and that what if you were there living with him, being his 24 hour care giver. Somehow you said this is not your role. I think that that option unconsciously triggers some guilt and melancholia. At the same time triggers legitimate questions about who will take care of you in turn. But to me, this is not even an option of yours. I do not think you could be his 24 hour care giver. But even if you could, you had made up your mind already. You are now in the process of mourning all the other "options" and "possibilities" that will not be. On top of that, you are having this foot problem. There are many difficulties and few solutions. Still even there are just few solutions, there are some, I would concentrate on those. I feel so much reflected on your case. Like you I have such a brother. He is not able to bring a solution to me but more problems. I would not like you to waist your time thinking about how your brother could have helped you back, as I did last year. It is not practical and doesn't bring us anywhere. Your brother or any other person or possibility that could have been but it is not. Like you, I have been punishing myself ( in my mind) about "how much I could have been a better care giver for my mom (she already passed away, as you know) if..." And that was a waste of time and a spiral into a deeper depression of melancholia. And to me ( and I do not know perhaps to you) an exercise I should have replace for another more mindful exercise: "I accept I am a disabled person, I cannot always take care of others, I am weaker now, I may need to go for solutions I do not like. I may need to accept the course of life, I need to accept that my mom made wrong decisions in the past and somehow these decisions affected her conditions in getting old and I cannot mend everything in the present. I am too somebody that needs help. I cannot do better". I know it was very hard for me and guess it is being too hard for you. I wish you the best and please forgive me if I am being imprudent here.

[Rose76]

Clara, everything you say is valid. I am mourning what can never be, that I was always trying to make happen. He was very hard to live with when we did live together. He seemed as happy as me to split up and get his own place, which I helped him find . . . and that is very suited to his needs. Back, when we were splitting up, he never once said that he wanted for us to try harder to make living together work. So - yes, he did a lot to put himself in the situation he is in. I tell myself that. His adult children tell me that they don't know how I put up with him . . . that they think he is a pain in the butt . . . that they don't really enjoy when he comes to visit. I think they are a bit hard-hearted, but they have their grievances, too.

Today, I am much better and feel able to get on with what to do next . . . like go over and cook something that will give him a few dinners that he just has to heat up. My feeling this much better today seems to be from the medication I took. Last night I took a significantly higher does of my antidepressant and a higher dose of my pain med. I woke up feeling so much less sore. But I seem to keep doing this. I spiral down, then I come up and think I'm getting myself together and soon I spiral down again.

The doctor, yesterday, sent me for some blood work to check on my level of inflammation. (SED rate, and C-reactive protein) He asked me, if I had rheumatoid arthritis. I thought that was crazy because he is my doctor and he should know that I've never been diagnosed with that. Besides, I am 61 years old. I never heard of someone getting RA suddenly at that age. I am very sore all over, but not specifically in joints, except for my neck and foot.

The radiologist wrote that my foot x-rays indicate something that they usually only see in people with RA. My doctor didn't discuss what he was looking for with the blood tests, but I researched it, and he could be looking to see if I have Polymyalgia Rheumatica. I had never heard of this before yesterday. I was shocked to see how much it matches with my symptoms. That could be why I have been feeling so unwell, physically. Also, it can be a contributor to depression.

I can not be with my friend 24/7. I am so sorry about that. He may be getting close to going in a nursing home, which makes me feel awfully sad. I worked in nursing homes for years - good ones and bad ones. They can be awful places. I do not want to be the one who tells him that he has to do that. I will not have him blame me, if he has to do that. I feel it's not my decision. But when I leave his place, I feel like I am walking out on the equivalent of a child who should not be left alone.

If I could stay in the state of mind I am in, I could move forward on all that I need to do. I will move forward today. I just never seem to avoid taking these plunges. I've been told I may be on the "bipolar spectrum." All kinds of bipolar meds were tried on me that did not help a bit. I don't really believe in bipolar disorder. I think it lumps together a lot of very different problems.

I better get ready to go. I am thinking about everything in the post above. It does touch on just about every issue involved here. I have to get over my brother being as he is. It won't change, and he could be upsetting me, if he were coming around. It's probably good that he isn't.

[Rose76]

The test that I called SED rate above is actually called ESR.