Right decisions??!!??

I keep making the wrong decisions!!!!! Hence my life being a mess. One of the doctors I had while back said his patient got better one day because one good thing lead to another and then she began to feel better. I keep making all the wrong decisions and my body seems to follow it. I'm so tired of this! I'm so tired of all the wrong decisions!

I was so angry for a while, but I decided that I can't stand being angry all the time so I went in search not to be angry. That helped me stop being angry especially to my mom before she passed away. But I think I might have turned the anger inside and cause depression to come back into my life. But I guess, I rather be depressed than be angry all the time. Angry caused me great pains, but depression is better than being angry all the time at every body. But I'm hurting myself!

I'm crying right now because I can't take this.

Called suicide hotline. They gave me info of place I found out before. I don't want to go through the doctors and the waiting and all those drugs again! And it's so far away from me and it's hard for me to get to and it's going to be a long ride on the buses to get there and the waiting and such. I don't want to be a bother to this family and I see how much of a bother I must have been to my parents who have already passed away. My siblings hated me for it so they kicked me out of their lives. Is this what my life have come to???!!! Being homeless with mental illness??!! Suicide hotline can't help me.

Bad night. Just had dream about my sister who hates and don't want me in her life. I miss her a lot. I miss my family a lot! I'm being punished for my behavior. I'm being punished for being depressed and unhappy. I'm being punished! People tell me to forget about them that they are cruel and they don't believe family would do this. I can't take this. I'm not a bad person. People tell me how kind I am and how nice I am. I miss my family. I am so alone without them.

Hello eggplantlife, you sure are hard on yourself. Sounds to me that your depression has a lot to do with loss. Grief is very hard. Anger is good as long as it is not directed at yourself, yes depression is about grief, loss and turned in anger. It is good you have realised this.

Please get the help you need.

I've sort of given up getting mental help. I was getting a lot of help in NY. I know I need help. I really was all about getting the help. Then the Medicaid got cut. It was a shocker. Well, when my doc left the hospital I was okay then, but now, I realized I am not okay because after he left, I was in chaos. I had to wait months for a new one but during that time I went out of their system as I moved and thought to go to a place near by. This was the first doctor who I trusted and believed he had my back. Then he left. Then I had to go through the system all over again. It's not easy when you have to go through the system. It's not like having a doctor that you can just set up an appointment. It's a lot of work getting help. A lot of your time. A lot of time that was taken. I'm just in a lot of pain right now.

I don't know how to get around in Texas! It's overwhelming ! I should of stayed in ny and dealt with the shelter and all that system because I would of known places...and I won't be bothering the family here. Im trying to control myself so it doesn't effect them. I'm so lost out here. I can't go back because I have no money. I spent it all coming here.

Sounds like you have so much on your plate. I can understand why you are angry and depressed. If you need to go to the hospital go. I think in every community there are public hospitals that can't turn you away because of lack of funds. God bless. Hang in there and stay safe.

Called up hotline this morning. Got info that I already got of place. My friend far away called for me too without me knowing. She wanted me to go right away. I got directions on how to get there. Don't know which one to go to. I have to figure out my living situation as I fear this depression is not going away as I feel at this point that I don't have the strength to be positive anymore. I don't have the strength to do all the positive self help anymore. I really don't have it anymore or the willingness as everything seems hopeless. I can't even pray anymore. Will try to get to hospital tomorrow. Will have to figure out if I have to go to shelter as I don't want to bother the family I am with with this illness.

(((((((( eggplantlife ))))))))

I went to one of the hospital but it wasnt a hospital. They just gave me a sheet with phone number. I called but they haven't called me back. It's been a week by now. Will call then back.

Yesterday went to church that is near me. Nice people, but not really what I believe because they aren't as open to other thoughts. They said they are going to do things for me. I'm upset because I feel like I have no choices! I made the choice to go there because I need to socialize and that I am looking for spiritual guidance. I don't like where my life is at. I don't like the state I am living me. I don't like a lot of the things that's happening...hence depression and wanting to end it coming into my mind very often. I guess, I'm suppose to accept everything that is happening to me.

Hello, I wanted to post in response to your share, firstly thank you for sharing this it must be a really sensitive issue. I can find similarities with this post mainly about making the wrong decision. Before i officially realised I was suffering with depression for a prolonged amount of time I thought i'd made excellent decisions and it seemed so. However stepping into the workplace as an intern during uni I began to realise that I was living solely on determination to break through this glass wall preventing me from getting things done. Even the manager asked have I got M.E and I became more aware of my presence although I couldnt change how I felt.
Recently my moods have swung from bad to worse, from not saying a thing all day and then lashing out on my parents and my sister, they think im crazy and are hurt by my actions.
I feel like there is no turning back and im just a horrible person because people have made me think i am- they choose to sweep my issues under the rug and let me suffer instead of denting their pride and understand.

Well, i thought i'd just share because i can relate, adios xxxFEM

I used to make good decisions too... Well, I thought.

Thank you for sharing.



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