Stressed... about to go into hospital

Good for you for giving it a go.

This is probably going to sound silly... But another thing I take for granted is now being 'administered'

I chew nicotine gum, perhaps excessively (and for years)... By the by, but I have to ask a nurse on an hourly basis (no less) if I want another.

Could feel that blood vessel in the brow start to throb. I don't throw my dolls out of my pram or anything... But first instinct was '**** this, discharge yourself'.

Not going to do that... But still annoyed. Probably is a good thing in a round about way. The gum is a stimulant so can't be helping my anxiety and perhaps this will help start to ween me down but yeah... Feel like a child being regulated.

Apparently I am to be on diazepam twice daily (low dose I think 2mgx2)

Hi TJ, really sorry that you've been feeling so bad, but remember this is just the start, and the start to a better way ahead. It may seem really disorientating, depressing, worrying, scary............oh well lots of feeling it can be.......... but just allow yourself time to adjust a bit, and work towards feeling better.
Remember your grounding techniques and use them as much as you need. Although maybe you can get some more while you're there too.
And if you're having trouble with the medication change just tell people (!!), there can be things they can offer/do to help with the transition if it's a problem.
And don't forget to talk to us either!!!! We're here for you.
Hang in there!!!

Alison

Calmed down now (had a good chat with another patient... Will get to that).

Essentially trying to get a piece of nicotine gum (which usually would be in my pocket) turned out to be a case of looking for and then waiting until a nurse would see me. Anxiety just went into overkill mode and I wanted out, essentially said that I couldn't cope with this further infringement on my usual routine (cutting, being alone, not being checked every 15 minutes) and I'd had enough... Was on the phone to the wife telling her I wanted to discharge myself and she was doing her best to calm me down... When like that everything is on full alert, wide eyed and wanting to escape.

Nurse came over with a single sheet of my gum and said I could have it on the proviso I self administered hourly, but if it was a comfort they would relent on this occasion.

I apologised profusely and thanked her.

Guy next door (well curtain seperation, dorm of 4) popped his head round and asked if I wanted to chat... Was in the process of trying to calm down. Had a good chat, gave me the advise that though I was voluntarily in hospital at this time, having anxiety attacks and wanting to discharge 'could' get me sectioned... So be careful.

Wish I could control my anxiety in light of that but I appreciated the tip.

I am calmer now but back to not socialising for a bit.

Best of wishes TJ. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Should ahve posted this earlier but got interupted...

My only drug is music. ^^...you should try it : D I can't see how it would sound silly though. I can become quite desperate for my pills, music, sugar or whatever.... and I ain't considered addicted.
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Good thing you are calm now...and have a possible friend at the hospital. Wish I could visit you and talk to you.

Just wanted to add that discharging early isn't all that wise anyway...I know how frustrating it is being in hospital and having all those things you would normally have taken away from you but you're there to get help. Let them help you. I discharged myself on my first admission and then less than a month later I was admitted again. Maybe if I had stayed the first time I wouldn't have ended up there again...

Thinking of you

Feeling a bit calmer (at the moment) been a mixed day.

Found out that they were unaware of my overall medical issues and that a prior operation (within 3 or 4 years) was causing a complication in my medication... Took to me saying unrelated and unknowing that they didn't know that I was having a physical problem for them to do a double take and change my meds around.

In the mean time I'm in a bit of physical discomfort and what would be a simple fix that I can self administer will not be allowed as I'm at risk.

Waiting for the on call doctor.

I am however sticking with it for now. Had a few anxiety attacks during the day and thoughts of dieing (slightly outside the box but worked out solutions should those thoughts became intent).

Though I've said the above that is not how I feel right now.. Calm(ish) just trying to rest. Looks like I will be having supervised leave, so I can get out for a bit (observed) which should be a welcome relief.

Downside, my mum is coming up from London this Saturday to visit me which is going to be awkward. Love my mum but we just don't really talk and had an uncomfortable chat with her this morning with her quizzing me over things she may have done wrong in the past. Gah.

I will however be allowed to go see my T this Monday if my wife accompanies me.

Is weird being in the position where your movement is monitored...

Forgot to say, saw my wife tonight and this has been a strain on her. Told her that I'm very thankful for her being there but that if she needs a break she should take it... Likewise that it's totally fine if she needs to talk to friends.. That I believed there is a charity that is there for giving advice and a listening ear for family of those with MH and I'll try to find out the # for her.

That's a significant finding. This discovery by itself validates the decision to go in, though I do hope you gain far more.

Part of my approach here is personal. My own case has been needlessly complicated by doctors from different specialties and pdocs not talking to one another, making me - the patient - intermediary for them all.

Wishing you some real rest despite the monitoring.

Thanks chap and yeah... Pain in the arse when having to account yourself for miscommunications and incomplete reading of notes.

Slightly mind blowing moment, patient I mentioned above (the one that advised me to be careful) just had a chat with me for 45 minutes and suffers from schizophrenia... and was having an episode (not really sure how it works) Was fine, I think he likes me and he's an alright chap (bit in your face, but I have mastered looking calm on the outside whereas I might be crapping myself). Put a bit of perspective on my issues and I was able to ignore my own for a time and take time to listen, ask questions and give him some food for thought in a passive manner.. To let him mull and evaluate its worth.

Went well... But tiring.

In general I am keeping out of the way of everyone but he's my next door neighbour so keeps walking in :hashface:

I don't mind... Certainly been an experience

TJ, may have kind of heard this one before......(!!) but:
"Forgot to say, saw my wife tonight and this has been a strain on her. Told her that I'm very thankful for her being there but that if she needs a break she should take it... Likewise that it's totally fine if she needs to talk to friends.. That I believed there is a charity that is there for giving advice and a listening ear for family of those with MH and I'll try to find out the # for her"
"I was able to ignore my own for a time and take time to listen, ask questions and give him some food for thought in a passive manner"
SO often, on here and out there, you come across as SO thoughtful, considerate, understanding, caring towards others!!!! Just show a little more of that to yourself, hey??
No question, you've been going through a really hard time, so maybe try to use just a little of that to feel even a little (?) better about yourself and to stick with the getting help/making sure you get help.
It is good that you're feeling calmer overall though and supervised leave (even if observed!!) has to be a good thing.
As for your mum, it's mostly sounding like she cares, yes?? But remember that you don't have to go "anywhere uncomfortable" with her if you're not ready!! For some things you can always say that you'd prefer not to/aren''t ready to discuss them...but maybe another time..........? And maybe just switch the conversations to something else.
And for some other things e.g. being monitored........do you think perhaps try to see them as inconveniences, irritations on the road to feeling better?? The main thing is you're on the road!!
Alison

Thanks Alison.

Had a candid chat with the matron (lead ward nurse) tonight and she advised (very kindly, is an easy person to talk to) that though she and the rest of the staff believe that the consultant would be happy to discharge me next week... Was I to insist on going tomorrow and in light of their observations up to now, I would be sectioned.

Didn't exactly help my anxiety but I thanked her and I guess it summed up my situation. Not saying I won't have an anxiety attack tomorrow ( though the cocktail of anti depressant/anxiety/psychotic( ) + sleeping tablet may help a bit.

Going to try and rest as best I can and stay out of the way.

Ended up having to self administer (was allowed) a catheter so that I could pee (sorry if this makes anyone's toes curl) which I would have prefered to avoid. Ward will be in touch with the urology dept at a different hospital to catch up on my notes and get some advice.

Bit miffed, but I guess better it happened here than at home (kinda)

Oh and had my first experience of some bullying from another patient. Hopefully it was just a tonight thing so won't say much for now.

I'm glad you're able to keep us updated, ToeJam. It sounds like you are coping well given the situation.

Thanks Krmiinj, I'm trying

Hello TJ. Well my friend, TBH I'm very pleased that you are going to be looked after in the best kinda way, but that's NO reflection on your other half in any way (I MEAN THAT). Our nearest ones can't always help us as much as they would dearly like to. Really, going in~patient is nothing to be worried about, infact for me it's always been a positive experienced without doubt, I even made friends with the other patients after a while!! I know that this IS the right direction dear TJ. Now, if you can manage to send out messages, and be ready that you may not be able to in the frist 24 hours for your own safety, please let us know how things are going. As I said, all of my many addmitions over the last 33 years have ended up in a positive way forward and there's no reason why this won't be the case for you! Message us as soon as you can hunny

HUGS and LOVES, as ever. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

@@@@serious trigger warning@@@@

Flipped out and self harmed in a pretty crap attempt of killing myself... Resource at hand just wasn't up to the task.

Feeling so empty right now.

Nurse wanted me to take some calming meds and I initially refused. Seeing everything as pointless... Feel trapped in here, and even more so as I have a semi self imposed exile to my bed area. Some huge Latvian lad has been essentially trying to intimidate nicotine gum off of me... Pretty much became my shadow every time I ventured out to socialise and at one point it could have potentially gone to blows. Yes I have depression, yes I have energy issues... But I somehow can find reserves to square off if some looks like they're about to punch me.

Very exhausting though so even more so staying out of the way. Then the whole catheter situation is continuing... Not been able to pee since last night (15 hours ago) and got it into my head that self administering could damage what work was done that could = me having to wear a catheter long term... Been there before, not thrilled.

Anyway yeah feeling trapped, alone and in pain (bladder is increasing in size).

I guess I have calmed down a little but no doubt ****ed things up... The moments of irrational panic and lashing out on me are being observed.

Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess right now.

My mum was coming up to visit tomorrow with my step dad... Told her it would be a bad idea (by text... Couldn't face talking to her)

I don't know what to say...just hugs!

(((((((TJ))))))

Thanks Secret and sorry, probably shared too much above

Finally received a batch of catheters about an hour ago that I know are the right sort (the only one the had last night was inadequate and very fiddly to use) and it worked which was a relief. Had several panic attacks through out the day.. Worn out and exhausted.

They want me to eat (last meal was last night) but no appetite at all.

Feeling miserable, low and worthless.

Wife is coming in fifteen minutes and I've got an abundance of visible (albeit shallow) cuts and just going to be ashamed. Also don't want her to kick off at the staff. Meh, really crap day

Hope everything is doing well for you. Your in my prayers...

TJ

I'm concerned - among other things - about this huge, intimidating lad. Does the staff know about him and his behaviour?

They should monitor him no less than you...

Weird typing this, so strange to be able to write in notation of what went on while irl if someone came to speak to me I'd either panic or withdraw... Guess different parts of the brain function at different levels.

Wife came and at first I was just frustrated and angry, snapping at anyone (bar the wife who told me to turn round, brisk walk and breathe) who came near

We went into a quiet room and once there I just withdrew... Just wanted to die and told her so, said in matter of fact detail what had happened while turning away from her and staring at the wall.

She saw my cuts pressed me on details 'when did you last eat? Yesterday' how did you do those cuts etc... Meh.

She spoke to one of the nurses after but I doubt anything will change... I'll just continue to be left alone and nothing will be done.

I truly feel like I've given up... I don't want to say that.. I don't want to upset others... Just I don't know what else to do... I'm in a safe place and I am not safe..

A great insight. I believe you are correct.
Twisted.

Thank you for this chronicle.
Much to consider.
I'm still hoping you will ultimately be able to profit from the hospitalisation.

They almost sectioned me 20 mins ago (I backed down, had enough reason despite outright misery to acknowledge that I can't leave either way but a section would set in stone at least 3 days )

They have opened up the isolation room (unlocked so I can come and go) to let me go somewhere that is quiet, safe and out of the way of everyone.

They've also reinforced 10-15 min checks... Which at the moment I'm quite grateful for...

My mum is coming regardless tomorrow but wife has compromised that she'll be there at the same time and my step dad will not be there... I like him, just can't handle him as well right now