Stressed... about to go into hospital

Hi TJ, I know it''s got to be real hard for you in there and maybe a feeling of helplessness, hopelessnes, lack of control over your situation/surroundings............but you know you are taking some control over what's going on and you're just as big a part in things than it maybe feels like.
Now you know you weren't going to walk in there, and they just maybe make it better and better day by day, it's completely understandable how you may feel worse, frustrated, angry, anxious, defensive...........It can take time to work through being there and with the right help "getting back on your feet".
But you have in amongst all of that been taking control of getting help, and reaching towards making things work:
You could have judged them on not knowing your medical issues after the operation;
You could have quite easily ignored the nurses advise on not insisting on going for risk of sectioning;
You've made the decision to stick with it before;
You've opened up a bit to your wife while there;
You've been as understanding as you can about the catheter situation;
You've relented on the calming meds;
Now those things are big!!!
So I know some aspects must seem really tough, hang in there and try your best to make things work for you. And if you're feeling anything in particular isn't helping you just try telling the staff, hey?? There may be some things they can help you with or if you're feeling the meds aren't really helping again just speak out about it. I know it may not be easy but try to put your feelings into words (as you have quite clearly here ).
And definitely tell someone if you're feeling bullied or intimidated by anyone too btw!!
Still I've got to say good on you for sticking with it, for whatever reasons for so long!! Whatever gets you the help you need, right?
And as for this:
"I'll just continue to be left alone and nothing will be done.
I truly feel like I've given up... I don't want to say that.. I don't want to upset others... Just I don't know what else to do... I'm in a safe place and I am not safe"
Don't forget WE haven't given up on you, we're still here for you............and while WE haven't given up on you.............!!!! You might need to speak up a little more where you're at?? But we're behind you!!!
Alison

I hope you can get some sleep. You must be completely spent from the anxiety.

Don't know what to say but I hope you get better. Lot of hugs and my best wishes.

Thank you for the messages and well wishes.

I think one of the meds has kicked in as a bit spaced out right now. They've been very pushy about eating (it's lunch time just gone) as I haven't eaten anything since Thursday. Not in the least bit hungry but got a small sandwich down to hopefully give me some peace.

They've taken my earphones and a few other items off of me

Hmmm... (Asking myself:) I'm sure they have their reasons, but how does taking away earphones make you safer?

I hope it goes well with your mom, I know how difficult that can be.

love and hugs...

In the hospital I was in, one girl couldn't have earphones at night because she could strangle herself with them.

Yeah, I was self harming and without going into detail the earphones were considered a risk.

My anxiety is rising at the moment so trying to write this as fast as I can before it turns to gibberish. Wife and mum have just left, were here for near on 6 hours and during that time I stabilised and actually felt normal, lucid and able to chat at reasonably full capacity.

My mum was obviously upset, she didn't know how bad it had been and when she saw the cuts she had to walk out for a bit. I guess I stayed as calm as I possibly could for her sake (been a few wobbles but for the most part I was putting a brave face on so she wouldn't worry)

They've gone now though and I'm returning back to being sad and scared. Visits are great but the depart is horrible.

Had some bad news today, the isolation room will be out of use come Monday so I'm going to have to return to the main dorms. I think my anxiety this week has flared really badly with the constant bedlum and reminder of where I am when forced with others and it's been counterproductive in so much as anxiety attacks that had eased off over the last year through therapy and cbt have come back full force leading to irrational bouts that in turn have led to excessive self harm.

TJ,
Although good (and important!!) to keep some links with the outside world, I'm guessing it was still pretty tough getting the visit? Where you stayed calm for your mum and put on a brave face, there must have been a lot sill going on inside of you, hey? And maybe some of that, the isolation and your surroundings have caught up with you. But remember this isn't "going to be forever". It may feel like it right now, but..........it's not!!
And you know there is a reason you're there if it's going to help with your safety and stabilizing you. And the stabilizing bit........well............that's the door to getting out and being able to live a much better life than you were before. And to having relationships with those around you (inc. your wife!) that aren't going to be overshadowed by the pain you were going through.
I know you're feeling really bad now, but maybe some of that is due to them trying to find the right/right balance of medications, hey? And a little time for them to manage that.....?
So just try to hold on in there, you know the old script- deep breathes, relaxation/grounding techniques, talking...........- things can get better.
And share with them, share with us, anything/everything that might help just a bit.

Alison

Thanks Alison

I am trying but I seem to be hamstringing myself by being honest. There have been points today that I have been flat out suicidal. I say that now in the tense of what's been happening.

They have confiscated as much items that they deam risk factors which now include my shoe laces, phone charger and though I still get to keep my gum in a small plastic bag, the plastic and foil sachets are being emptied and kept as I had used them for si.

This has mostly been put in place by my contact nurse who spoke with me for a good while and listened. She gets what I'm saying to this place having flared up my thoughts and actions but in turn has said that due to what I am exhibiting they simply cannot let me go home as they believe I'd be at more risk there without help or observation.

I'm on 10 min observation checks and got a feeling they consider me a flight risk which could put pay to me seeing my t on Monday.

Got very frustrated talking to the nurse and my agitation was not a good bed fellow.

Going to try my hardest to use my grounding exercises.

Wife and mum have both told me that my health comes before work and that I don't need to worry about that. That my recovery is key and should I loose my job, it will probably be a mercy rather the end of the world.

Relented to eating a yoghurt just now and god knows how many tablets to swallow to bring down the agitation.... Punched the wall which I think scared the nurse... I apologised immediately and insisted that should she at any point feel uncomfortable... We can talk elsewhere or she can have someone else in with her... I just didn't know what else to do with the flood of frustration boiling up.

She advised that at this stage and unless I improve, ill be here awhike

:Hugs to ToeJam. Hope it gets better soon. Hang in there.

Wishing you deep, restorative sleep and hoping you don't read this till late morning...

hugs tj. hope it gets better for you...

One day a time. That's all anybody can do. One day, one hour at a time. Best to you.

Pretty tired but lucid right now. Hoping it'll last

Slightly traumatic phone call with the wife. I called for some reassurance as though things are calmer, I'm on edge and almost expecting a trigger to set me off. Called at a bad time as she was in tears and worried about the furry friend(s) we have in the house at the moment (rats). Spent 20 Minutes calming her down but feeling helpless as there is nothing I can physically do

She will be visiting at 3:30. Also told me that last night as she was leaving one of the nurses told her that though yes it is likely I'll be allowed absence to see my councillor... If I don't come back then I would be tracked down and forcibly returned which would be both traumatic and cause further complications.

Just wanted to cry (the thought had crossed my mind) but stayed strong and told her I understood.

Hun, have a cry if you think that will help xox


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Sorry that I haven't added my customary hug, thanks and personal replies on this thread feeling a bit bad about it.

Been a bit of a whirlwind if that's any kind of excuse. With that said I am so very thankful for all of the messages and hugs... Has made this journey that little bit more bearable... To be able to chronicle and know others are listening and tolerating my expressions and I guess pain and confusion.

So please accept this and massive thank you for all that has been posted and for any future posts

Rats...

Some people have external rats.
Other people have internal rats.
Still other people have both.
And others keep them as pets.

Here's to getting all the various rats under control.

I really hate the feeling of not being able to help when close ones need it. I really dislike the fact that all I can do for you is reading your messages and sending these.. ...and hoping it will make a difference.

Thanks moment. Today has been better, irrespective of problems I am currently feeling calmer and at peace with my situation.

Been feeling like a rat in a cage but I guess I am starting to adjust and accept. Incarceration is probably the wrong word to use as I know this will hopefully be short term and it's for my safety rather than a punishment but yeah it's been eye opening and certainly re-enforced how much I value my independence.

Not sure what I am expecting from this stay but I'm trying to embrace what good might come from it and try to establish how I can heal myself.

Made a draft effort of the care plan they wanted me to write out. Sub sections are 'I want to' 'so I need to' 'who will help' 'and when'

Only responded to the first sub section for now as I am struggling with anything beyond that... Will discuss it with my nurse tonight.

Thank you for letting us know that you feel a bit better now, and thank you for all your sharing. Many hugs from a very cold place

Hey TJ, spending time talking to your wife and calming her down is absolutely not nothing!!! That's massive!!!
You didn't call at a bad time, you called at an excellent time.
It had to have meant a lot to her to hear your calming voice when she was so upset/worried, it sounds like you definitely made a big difference to her!! And for you........dig down deep in yourself hey, for that real good feeling that you were able to really (in a meaningful way!!) help her. And you managed to control what you were feeling when you were talking to her (at least a little?), now in that sort of situation........I'd call that a victory!!!!
And it really is good that things are starting to look/feel a bit better for you now......as ever........give yourself loads of credit for that!!!!

Alison