[birdpumpkin]

Hard to live in a house so full of negativity. My son yells at me a lot that I'm "annoying" and to leave him alone. I try to remember his Asperger's, etc., but it still hurts and hear it multiple times a day. Husband always negative toward me, complaining and finding fault in everything I do, threatening to make the cats go outside because the litter box smells, but I don't have any litter at the moment to change it. He knows the cats are that button to push to get me riled up. Never mind that I lost all my 10 in fire in December that he was the same way about. Nothing's changed even after that nightmare. Arguing, telling me to leave, etc. This has gone on my whole married life - 11 years. But I'm too afraid to take that step, and sometimes there are those plateaus where things are okay and you get comfortable for awhile. Still - good things in my life the next 2 days... Seeing my nephew and his girlfriend today. Tomorrow meeting up with friends I hadn't seen in over a decade. Nervous but grateful they included me. That I have people in my life who think of me and care even though we rarely talk anymore and have our own lives. I'm afraid I'll feel very awkward. I cut my hair too short the other day and look terrible. But I hope to enjoy it.

[Nammu]

After IOP yesterday was called in by the administrator, apparently my blankety blank insurance company approved three weeks of PHP and IOP for two weeks at a time now they have retroactively rescinded that. The hospital wants to work with me though and has asked me to call the insurance company and talk to them. I started trauma work and they don't want me to be left with it unfinished like I have done so many times in the past because of insurance issues.

Got home and the relay I need to make phone calls though is on the blink. So I can't make any calls until they get up and running again.

Until this is straightened out no IOP. This has been very hard, I couldn't mention it yesterday, too upset. Then I decided that the insurance company doesn't have the power to make me feel worthless because they refuse to pay, I'm not worthless just poor. But it's hard to believe that.

[healingme4me]

Keep replaying one stinking tape. Oddly, at the time, this was said, I did ask what was meant. Around my divorce, knowing I have a diagnosis of MS, albeit in remission, 'daughter, whatever am i going to do with(or was is about) you?
Seriously? Ugh...just ugh. Sarcastic at this point, same as always? Nothing?
See, better, that in many ways, I was like a pawn.

A dad, would have told me, to put my wallet away, when I paid for the replacement tire.

His wife, wouldn't just out of thin air believed and stated my ex was the best life has to offer me, back then...
Only when it places in a favorable position.
And that drive, three hours north up the coast, kept thinking to myself, i bet his treatment of myself and my mom had much to do with those failed state political attempts. ..like everything to do with it...those were, the non father daughter years...

[JustTvTroping]

So far so good. I'm learning more things outside of school (starting with the skeletal system, artificial intelligence, and digital systems). My mental stamina seems to be improving as well seeing that I usual get exausted abd fall asleep after a while. I'm going to see what else I can learn...

[kelticgirl]

Originally Posted by eggplantlife

I miss my sister dearly. She's not talking to me. I miss her a lot. I hope one day she will forgive me and love me back.

I too miss my sister...she has pretty well cut me off because of my depression..it hurts so much..other people tell me she is horrible to do this but I guess it's more complicated than that..I think my depression scares her because she has it too but not as bad as me and her life has remained more stable...it's almost like she thinks I'm contagious..I don't know your situation but I miss my sister too and it hurts big time

[TheOriginalMe]

Moody. I so want to be over this, but although I've come a long way there is still further to go. I wish I could stop worrying.

[hope156]

Really miss my husband. Next week he will be dead two years. Middle age. I was run down by a car four years ago/hit and rub. Disabled. No kids . I am not really feeling sorry for myself because I know a lot of people have it much worse than I. It is just so hard to be a disabled widow in middle age when all you peers have jobs and families. It is hard to make friends in midlife, especially if you are not mobile. I have been told I'm a nice person. I act in front of people so as not to be a "Debbie Downer". But I am sick of acting. They say fake it till you make it, But faking happiness or cheerfulness makes me feel so much more alone.

[tigerlily84]

I need to get my life together. I am so tired of this.

A pretty dull day today. I woke up feeling very depressed and then I felt worse when my sister called this morning. She was talking about my brother, who had been diagnosed with lung cancer, along with COPD and sleep apnea. And only having six months to live. She was telling me that she feels very sad. So do I, even though he and I were not very close. And then she said that she thinks that my parents (both deceased) will be surprised to see him in Heaven. That upset me because I personally feel that my parents are not in heaven. I thought that they were not good parents and ruined my brother by being abusive to him. But that's all in the past and it's not my call of who goes to Heaven or not. It's God's.

My only friend came over to see me today, so that was the best part of the day. I thought that he wouldn't come. He's pretty old and can't drive. He would have preferred to come and see me to get away from home. But he decided to come and did so by public transportation. At least public transit is pretty good where I am. I have gone to his place, but I'm not crazy about going there and not too crazy about his wife.

It has rained all day where I am and that's very unusual. Right now I feel depressed because I was looking forward to go bike riding. My sister called me back minutes ago and told me that she spoke to my brother and he sounded pretty good. So that was a bit uplifting to me.

[ChildlikeEmpress]

I was really super tired today. Could barely get myself moving! I am stressed right now about making ends meet so taking a business class to try and help the situation. Hope things turn around soon, it just adds to the stress so much! I feel like nothing I do makes a difference or makes it better. Must get out of this mindset somehow.
In positive news, we now have a working washing machine. It's been weeks of laundry mess so can now catch up on everything. <3

[glok]

Rather down.

[birdpumpkin]

Meet-up with 2 school friends I haven't seen in ages this afternoon. I'm scared!! Plus just feel strange and down. Punished my son before bed last night for hitting, and it's the first time he's gone to bed without giving me a hug. I'm thinking his ADHD medicine is making him more aggressive. He's been talking back and more defiant and hitting at us since he's been on it. I'm afraid to change it, though, because I don't want him to be a zombie like he was on this other medicine we tried. I didn't like that at all. He's on a low dose of Adderall, and it seems to make him more hyper to me than less. And he's not that hyper anyway. It's just for his schooling. Which is another thing. Can't believe he'll be back to school next week. The summer has flown. I normally look forward to fall and him going back to school, but the company has really helped me and not looking forward to being alone all day every day again. We're coming upon some difficult 1-year anniversaries - the last months in our home and the last months of my cats' lives before the fire. And each month til the fire December 3rd I took a cat to the vet for various treatments. August - took Lily because she kept throwing up after drinking water. My little Lily is gone now. September, my James for bladder Stones. Still missing. October - had to get the end of Winston's tail amputated because fleas and itching caused him to dig it down to the bone. November took my Tabitha for ear infection. They're all gone. This is going to be hard.

[BubonicPlague]

I'm really sad that everyone is doing whatever it takes to make me happy and keep me alive.

I can't accept what they offer me, it's just not fair.

I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't think I deserve to be given good things.

I should be starving, all alone by myself, and be left there to waste away into nothing.

I'm crying on the inside now, and it just hurts to hold back the tears.

I'm scared of telling them that I don't want to be helped. I want nature to just do away with me and get it over with.

I want to end this suffering in my physical form and my energy to be freed.

I don't want people to live in misery.

[JustTvTroping]

I'm getting moody and reflective again, but the good news is that it's raining outside (finally, a break from the seemingly endless cycle of dry heat...). The rain alone tends to make my day.

Not much of a day today again for my weekend. Last night I just suddenly felt depressed. It was because, as I was leaving the pool area, a pair of couples came in. There are times when I feel depressed when I see couples because I wish it were me. Then I went to a kiosk to get a movie and there was a couple standing behind me. Fortunately I got a good movie. But later that night, when I went to bed, there was a lot of noise from a party at a house next door. That started around 12:30 AM and lasted about an hour. The noise went off-and-on.

Today I decided to take it easy because it's cloudy outside and threatening to rain. I took a little nap, but after five minutes, I got woke up by someone talking outside and the rain came. I plan on going for a short bike ride later on. I hope that I can do it without any rain. I couldn't go yesterday because of the rain. The bike ride always makes me feel better.

I'm not looking forward to next Saturday. My only friend will be far out of town for the weekend and I have a dental appointment that I dread.

[glok]

No really stressors today.

[Avatar10]

I feel numb and lonely

Second time for me today for Daily Check In. I was able to go on that bike ride today. It was mostly cloudy and it spit a little bit of rain, but it was like nothing. It felt nice to be riding today without the hot sun on me. It made me feel refreshed emotionally.

I went swimming briefly after dinner. Was nice and quiet in the pool area.

[glok]

Seems like a day with some anxiety.

[regretful]

Depression...deep depression that just lingers. Feeling like I have no past, present or future. Existing rather than living...it's no way to live...

[Melodic]

He remembered why he resented me, while I remembered why I felt insecure and why I have to maintain the distance so I don't get hurt again. This sucks, so much. I wish things could be different. But if I'm alone for good I'll just have to accept it.

[tigerlily84]

Spent the majority of yesterday afternoon coming up with a plan to pay off my credit cards. It's not a huge amount of debt, but if I had been responsible and come up with a plan like this a year ago, I would have paid them off already. Oh well.

I'm also continuing to look for a new job and also for volunteer opportunities.

[lizzyjb]

Still anxious for my sister argue on Friday noon. Plenty sick of that. Why she can't grow up? Why can't she stop controlling our lives?

[birdpumpkin]

Meet-up with friends yesterday was really nice and a good time. Hope it won't be another 10 years before I see them again. I suppose we're all at that age where our parents are all having various health issues and are worrying about the future. Came home from the meet-up to my husband working on fixing a water leak we had. Terrified now to see our water bill. Don't know how long the leak has been going on. But - thankful he did notice it and find it!! It could be still going on. It always seems whenever something good happens to me, it's countered by something bad. Husband home early today. We're going to go looking for a truck once my dad comes to get my son to take him fishing. Just money worries as usual. How are we even going to afford a new truck payment?? We're barely scraping by every week with anything left. **sigh**

[tokiwartooth]

Mom had a mild stroke this weekend, so I've been really worried and I am exhausted. But there was no brain damage, she's just dizzy.