people being cruel

no, don't be sorry! I wanted to say thank you!
right now I am not meeting so many new people at all. so I don't know if I select them. for example I don't know anybody in a wheelchair or someone who has the opposite political opinion. so I can't know if I would act weird with them or not. I hope not. I guess I might fight about politics with them. but then it could be fun to have a discussion. I like that. I don't know. hard to tell if it is all in my imagination. of course I like to imagine myself to be tolerant.

thanks! not at all frowning.
although I don't know how to do that. I think my therapist should teach me. well one weird thing is -and I hope it is not insulting to anybody- that I see it in a way positive that now I am making the experience how it is to have depression. that's odd I know. but I also think it gives me some experience in life. first I understand more what other people with depression go through. and there are pieces of literature and film and so on I can understand much better now which is quite enriching. also I don't feel anymore so much like a naive girl from the countryside that never experienced any real problems or any real pain in life. as crazy as it sounds I think it is something good to understand that now. I think I can be more compassionate. I hope at least. I still hope I get over this soon. right now, I mean in this moment -and it can change any minute- I feel like I need to get better in order to be ready for things I want to do. that's hope, right?
I really want to make it.

Yes, it is a learning situation and you will get out of it and find you are stronger

sounds like your mom might have some psychological issues of her own.
- also - you are 29 now so you don't have to listen to your mom and believe her.
- if you were showing some self-esteem and self-respect - a person who wants to continue to control you will kick even harder when you're down to keep you under their control.
- what would happen to your mom's life if you got up and left her? - are you the only child? - is she needy to you? - are you needy to her? explore your relationship and maybe you will see that she may be scared of losing you (and her control over you).

my therapist has come back from holiday and I talked to her about these issues. (feeling I was inferior and because of that getting rejected or excluded) she suggested working on that. now I am supposed to deal with the exact things that could cause me to slip back into deep depression. other people rejecting me really scares me to death. I cannot deal with it at all. my self-confidence is super fragile. (right now I have moments or times of the day when I am okay but it still can go downhill within minutes. stopped medication again because of strong side effects.)
I really want to try and talk to them anyway. how can I avoid feeling a lot worse when facing these kind of situations? I know I have to go out there and try but I am so scared!

I sort of can see myself lying on the floor crying and wishing to die within two days from now. don't want that.

example:
there is this guy I used to study with and I ran into him yesterday. we were friends at university first and I always had very nice conversations with him and I respected him very much and I think he respected me, too. at some point he started acting very cool and distant towards me and didn't want to have conversations anymore and said things like I was annoying him when I talked. I don't know why. but I was very unhappy about that and still am.
that is more than a year ago now. I had a weird encounter with him at a bar once when we both were drinking and talked just shortly. and he said we were friends. and I was very surprised because he had basically stopped all contact with me. so I really don't get what his problem is.
so yesterday I saw him and of course he didn't say hello to me but only to the other person standing right next to me. and I found that very upsetting but somewhat usual by now. so this time I chose to say a loud HELLO! some seconds after he had already started a conversation with the guy right next to me completely ignoring my existence.

so is that an improvement? it still really upset me because I had to think about it instead of just ignoring his behavior.
these kind of things really make me depressed and feel worthless.

I also wrote some emails to people I felt I wanted to talk to and am waiting for their replies. I have a weird feeling that this was a big mistake.

I was thinking a lot about this. The more I think the more I am convinced that this guy is at least rude, unless you were calling him at 3 am when he said you were annoying. Or he is rude or something is going on with him. When younger I met more than one hysterical men that liked to lure others ( into friendship or more than that) to refuse them later. There are women like that, too. Pretty immature.
About the fact that rejection hurts, it is not only you who are in pain because of rejection. It is very painful for every one. You have said you are timid and that sometimes social situations overwhelm you, but anyway perhaps group therapy would be beneficial to be able to confront your social issues in a controlled environment. I am not sure but it is just an idea I am having.

I think I wouldn't mind a group but I am eager to solve my problems directly in my own life. I am very eager to do that. (and still scared) so no hypothetical practice.

this is the version that makes most sense to me right now:
this guy has his own issues and is insecure. at some point at school he realized I wasn't one of the cool kids and then decided it would be harmful to his image if he was seen with me.

I think I am kind of understanding and forgiving towards other people and I can see that he has his reasons for the behavior. but the thing is none of this knowledge makes the situation any better for me.
it its just as hurtful. or more. maybe I thought I was one of the cool kids and being judged as not good enough to be seen with makes me feel very worthless and abandoned. knowing why people behave badly doesn't make it undone.

My relationship with my mom had deteriorated recently. She does similar stuff but in a passive aggressive way, always puts me down and criticizes my fashion choices. We used to be really close but she started hanging with these superficial women and also with my sister more (who is gorgeous and fashion conscious and superficial) and she's become terrible. I always thought she accepted me for who I was, but people close to me have told me that she has to be jealous. She wasn't where I am at my age and has her own problems at that time. So don't worry, your mom's criticisms probably reflect something that she is going through in her life right now. It doesn't make it easier, but it might help to reconcile the feelings you have.

That was a terrible thing for here to say. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Bullying can have a really harmful, destructive long term effect on someone's self esteem, image and health. Bullies have unresolved hidden issues, who should look at their own faults and admit and take responsibility when they do wrong to others,not blame the victim.

I think sometimes society fuels bullying

I feel really bad right now. like nobody wants to be close to me because I am horrible in every way. there is nothing that could make anyone want to be around me. dunno what to say. it is just like that.
don't think any optimistic thinking can change anything. that's delusional.
just took the subway home. and on the platform every single woman that was there was at least one size skinnier than me. feeling like crap. if I were a guy I would also choose them over me.
yeah, I know. this is superficial. but all the other women are just as clever and interesting. they travel to more countries, do their phds. whatever… I have nothing to compete.
I am even too insignificant for anyone to talk to me. I feel like I was not even a human being. just a nuisance.

Been there myself. There is nothing more devastating for me than being criticized by my own mom. It's the only opinion that I completely buy into and then I start becoming the things I was told about myself. I'm so sorry your mom did that. It was very thoughtless and cruel, but I'm guessing her comments say more about her than you.

Yeah bullies need therapy not just victims. Bullies shouldnt get away with harm and suffering they create on others. Problem is there are bullies in all kinds of places at different age and in different position. Its harder when the bullies are people in position of authority. But that's what they like control over others.

I do not like my body as it is right now. This is bringing a lot of issues. One can do many things to improve it, including surgery. But I wonder if 1000 surgeries would be enough for me. It is amazing how having a body we do not like can determine our social life, particularly we are our own source of isolation. We transmit our self dislike to people around us, beyond general public preferences regarding bodies. There are people that just care about the very beautiful. But there are others that acknowledge other characteristics as desirable, such us self confidence. It is a tricky situation because you do not know what goes first, if self confidence or social acceptation.

Bullying erodes self confidence

Bullies make you think you are worthless, stupid, something wrong /weird or weak in you. They often have split contrasting characters.they undermine your sense of self. Some like to isolate, exclude individuals. While others use, exploit.

Its hard when its people close to you or in positions of authority who are like bullies.

For a woman, I think attacking our appearance is quite devastating. I don't know another woman alive who doesn't dislike some aspect of their appearance. The American "ideal" is not even human in a way. At least not without surgery or spending hours in the gym every single day, etc. As we age (I'm 43) it gets even rougher. I agree with Clara22 that we have to find people who accept us as we are. I know I don't judge my different friends appearances, whereas I can be brutal towards myself.

The fact to me is that there is a social order of things that imposes hard criteria particularly to women. Perhaps we need to start just refusing that because it is absurd. I am sorry to offend people but to me men and women that just care about appearances and discriminate others due to weight, big noses, or whatever are useless. I don't like paternalistic people that want to institutionalize me, or discuss my life or what is best for me without my consent, either. I want all of them far from me. I am depressed and my selfesteem is low. I do stupid things because I don't like my body. But I know that my ugliness is mine and it was very costly, I 've paid every Cent of it. So, I claim the right to tell discriminators go to hell. It is an exercise, like learning to bike. You do it and do it until their opinion does not affect you. I promise it works. I have been an "abnormal" since 1981.

When I was a teenager my mom told me the same thing... so I joined a pageant and won just to prove her wrong.... then told her see you were wrong... of course, the scars of what she said stayed with me for years, and deep inside I felt like it was a fluke I won, I kept thinking that it was a mistake, they felt sorry for me etc....

Hang in there, if you felt good about how you looked before your Mom said what she did, then try not to let her poor self esteem take your self esteem down... I know that is hard....
I am so sorry you are going through this pain

There is a book by a women's studies prof, Kjerstin Gruys, called Mirror Mirror Off The Wall. It's her own personal story and how she learned that her appearance wasn't as noticed by others as much as she noticed it. It's an easy read.

Physical attractiveness stereotype - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This is my first time on the site and I'm on my phone and using the speak to type so I hope it works OK. Please pardon any poor typing because of this. My mom said similar things to me growing up. She wanted me to be in a beauty pageant and was disappointed because I refused. She took one of my evening gowns from a prom and gave it to someone who was in a beauty pageant and made the comment that at least my dress was able to be in a beauty pageant even if I couldn't. I was repeatedly told she wished I was like this other person who was in the pageant. I later realized my mother was jealous of me because my friends would ask me how come when you get something new she always has to go out and buy one that's nicer. This was when I was an adult. I have never been beautiful. And and for several years I kept waiting for that to happen but it never did. I have been able to find things I do like about me like my eyes etc. So I hope you can find something that you like about yourself too. Because we are all beautiful in our own way. We are all unique and beauty is different to everyone so to me it makes no sense call one person beautiful and another not. I finally decided that if we were all alike it would be a horrible world. All of my life I have never been good enough in any way shape or form, for my exhusband or my family and even some people who are so called friends. There are bullies everywhere out there. I have had abuse in my life from the day I was conceived because my mom kept trying to get rid of me and did not want to have a child. I seem to attract bullies
and abusers. I believe I have been depressed all my life, but it seems to be affecting me a lot more now. I am alone, getting older and living with chronic pain and unable to work from an accident. I am thankful to find this group and know that I'm not the only one out there going through things. Right now I can barely get out of bed. And I have gotten so far behind on cleaning my house and watering and mowing my yard I don't know where to begin cuz I really need some help but I can't afford it. So I have just given up and let everything go. thank you for sharing so I'm no I'm not alone. hugs to you

sorry I haven't answered for so long. thanks for all of your replies and your support.
it seems so easy to say that I am fine the way I am and in a certain way I think that, too. but then I feel so bad as soon as I think of other people or how they may look at me. my therapist tries to teach me that I don't need to take care of what other people may think or want but it is so hard if I feel like I am isolated because of not being acceptable for some irrational reasons. that feeling is so strong it causes me many problems. and also it gets confirmed by my experiences more the stronger it is. it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know the way out. my rational mind doesn't help me here.