Kicked

I feel kicked in my teeth for no reason. i used to tell myself i deserve pain and i want to suffer, so that i'll finally be able to end it all, but maybe it was a way of feeling in control: i was almost choosing pain. better choosing it than getting it for no reason. right?

In fact, when you're doing everything right, with the very best and sincere intentions, and then you still get slapped and punched from everywhere, it hurts, it feels unfair and it is maddening. i didnt ask for this! i dont want this! this makes no sense at all. why? and why now? do i really deserve all this?

its hurting hurting hurting.

and i do have people to blame for this but i cant, because if i let it out, i'll make my life even more miserable and their life too but i love them so i cant. and anyway, blaming doesnt solve anything. like screaming, getting mad, cutting, drinking, holding a grudge.... but then what? im trying venting... i dont know what else to do. im lost.

i am SO SO SO sick of getting kicked and of this sh*tty life. i've had enough. i dont know where to turn myself to anymore...

I understand. Today I felt kicked in the teeth for no reason. It is so frustrating when you try to do your best and you still get bad things dumped at you. You do not deserve to suffer. People say it is the depression telling you that you deserve pain. I believe you deserve to have a good life. I am thinking of you and hoping that something turns around for you. Have you seen a psychiatrist or therapist? That would be something helpful if that kind of service is available where you live. Best of wishes.

Thank you so much for caring and understanding! im sorry you felt the same way yesterday too. i hope today is a better day for you.

there is no way i can solve this situation painlessly. and im sick of it all.

therapy helped and could help but i dont want to go back. it helps but doesnt solve anything.

i guess its destiny reminding me where i belong and what my fate is.
im so sick of living and hoping. im quitting both.

Hi sinking,

So sorry you're feeling like this
That "it feels unfair" bit..........I'd say it is unfair, and you don't deserve it.
But talking to those people about how you're feeling, doesn't need to mean that you're "blaming them", or that you're going to be making them miserable, does it??
I mean you've got a right to put your views across, they're important. And if "those" people don't know how you're feeling/what you're thinking then that kind of stops them/you all from working on resolving those issues.
Afterall maybe they're misinterpreting things or not properly understanding?? And you say you love them, so chance that they love you too?? Even if it's not being shown as much. And if they love you then they'd want to be helping make things a bit better for/with you, if they knew.........maybe???
So perhaps it's about the way you tell them, ask them for support??? Worth thinking about???

But maybe it's worth trying to bring some more understanding/supportive people into your life too?? They will be out there
Because you don't deserve the pain, you know that anyway, right??

Alison

Hey there. I hope you won't quit living. I get needing to quit fighting back sometimes, that's when we can just sit down and stop for a while. If you can put down the drinking and the cutting, then you've got more strength and resiliency than you know.

Don't worry about tomorrow, for now it's just about today. And if today is too much, go for this hour. Survive this hour. This minute. Add 60 minutes and you get to the hour, 24 hours and you get another day.

You're not alone.

((sinking))

I have a similar situation - a group of people I thought were friends hurt me, and I kept trying to sort things out. But it hasn't worked, and I have had to step away - I kept telling myself it was the depression making me feel they didn't want to be near me, but it turned out that they really didn't, it wasn't the depression at all. It isn't fair, you're right.

I do have other friends, but not many I'm close enough to to be able to talk about it. And at the moment I'm feeling very fragile and it's hard to keep going.

So I can sympathise with you, sinking. Please just keep trying, and keep lifting your eyes so you will notice any opportunity for a positive thing. I'm trying to do this, it's not easy but when I find one I keep reminding myself about it and over time it can help a bit.

((Sympathetic, gentle hugs))

Bluegrey

I know what you mean, I think. Sometimes it seems like "no good deed goes unpunished."

Thank you all SOOO much.

i got the strenght to make a last attempt to try to make the best out of the situation. it doesnt look like it will end up well, but im trying. we'll see in the next days.

Frankbtl, thanks, you made me think. "those" people are my family and they are the reason i am alive and at the same time the reason i want to quit. its just so hard.

Phénix, yes breaking time into little pieces is what has saved me many times. sometimes though it just seems things will never change, but thanks for reminding me.

Bluegrey, sometimes i cant understand if what i see and how i perceive things, situations, people's feelings and words is real or not either. but most times im right. i'll try to keep looking for chances to improve things, even if im SO tired and would prefer to just give up.

Brintel, yes! i feel like the more i try to be good and do it right (which in my case means giving in and let them have it their way) the more i am asked to give/do/give up and blamed for others unhappiness. AND the more external negative stuff happens. when will it go right for me too? it is a lifetime im patiently waiting for things to go right and it never happens in spite of all my efforts. why? am i that bad and underserving?

i know happiness is a state of mind, often a conscius decision of being happy in spite of everything else going on, but i cant help but wondering why happiness never "happens" to me...

Hi sinking, hey respect for trying and pushing things just that little bit further!!
And I really hope it does go well for you
But sure there is a case for happiness being a state of mind, but IMO sometimes it takes a little (sometimes a lot!!) more. I'd be looking at circumstances, environment, experiences..........all that kind of thing too, sometimes. And for some people, meds are the only thing that's going to cut it, put them more on that road.
And you know sometimes people can "talk themselves into" being happy, but still be in an "environment" they really don't deserve to be in, an "environment" it would be good to change if they had the support/help to do that.
Anyway I'm sure we could write a book on that but depression..........maybe it would be a good start to get a little (more?) help/support with that??
And perhaps throw in a little, putting yourself first?? A little less trying so hard to "please", "satisfy" other people, a little more making your needs known?? That kind of thing??

Alison

Thank you Alison, i really like the way you talk and what you have to say.

i know its wrong to always give in and please others, because i can FEEL it is wrong, and i resent that, but its the only way to live kind of peacefully.

and as for expressing my thoughts, feelings and needs, unortunately this cant be done. they treat me and talk with me as if i was 5. they say they dont understand my way of thinking and feeling, that what i feel and think is wrong, childish and selfish, and one day i'll "understand" they are right.

i admit i see things a little differently from a standard adult, but im not crazy as they think. im just not them. im just me.

i guess finding my own place to live would help, but i cant afford it. im stuck here with them.

anyway, im so sick of this all, they are killing me. im going to protest fast. i have never done this before but i feel its the only way i can show them what they're doing to me. my words mean nothing to them. i guess its better than a sui attempt.

thank you for your support.

I could finally see some efforts on their part to make things better so i gave in again. i let it go.

it would have been bad of me to ruin their positive change just to make them notice how much they're hurting me. wasnt this the right thing to do?

but im sure it will all come back soon. it always happens.

i just hope nothing bad coming from other places will happen now and i really hope that all my efforts wont be vain tomorrow because i dont think i could take it...

Hi sinking, thank you!!!

i admit i see things a little differently from a standard adult, but im not crazy as they think. im just not them. im just me.

I'm not so sure there is such a thing as a "standard adult", everyone will have some different views, perceptions, opinions. Perhaps it's more your family and some people around you telling you "this is the way you should behave/should be".
But if you have a "picture" in your mind then you know that different can be good, right? Very good!! Different can open new experiences, new ways of thinking, spark individuality/seeing things in new and better ways.............IMO the world would be so boring if everyone was in the realm of "standard". So respect!!!
And let's take that "just" out of "im just me". Want you to be saying "I'm ME" and be proud of it!!!

And by the sounds of it there are ways that they hurt you that you can't avoid, but what about the other ways............maybe you/we can make them hurt a little less???
Like if they're blaming you for something that's not your fault/you can't help or saying hurtful comments.............well you know the truth/"the bigger picture" right, even if they aren't listening to you, and that's the most important thing. If they want to believe something else then that's up to them, as long as you know/you hold onto what you know. Let that give you strength, doesn't matter about the rest.
And if they're being dismissive of your thoughts/saying you're wrong..........well maybe see it as their beliefs, maybe they live in a "different world", and everyone will have beliefs based on their own experiences...........but that's alright because you know that there are people who are going to agree with you, right?? It might not change the way they talk to you but at least you know that there are people who do "get it/you" even if "they" don't.
And maybe there are reasons for the way they're treating you e.g. they don't want to recognise how bad things are for you, they don't know what to do to help so they're dismissing things, they feel guilty for not having done more, they're being "over" protective, they're scared that if they don't exert all this control you're not going to "try",
they have their own problems.
Some of those things you might be able to confront them with and resolve issues, some you won't but maybe look for some compromises with them/try to negotiate some things with them, just while you have to be there.
I know it probably sounds unfair, and it probably is, but just to try to get something/s from them, and to make it a little easier on you???
Just don't stop feeling, thinking, being you in all of that though, even if you can't show it all the time, it matters!!!!!

Alison

Alison, you are great!

yes, my parents, especially my mom, usually tell me how i should be and feel. she lets me free to do what i want but she makes me feel judged all the time and thats why i dont really talk with her anymore.

sometimes i think im too confident i know the "truth", (my truth anyway), but honestly and objectively im almost always right, i am good at understanding other people's point of view especially of those close to me like my family.

and yes, of course they have their reasons for being/doing/thinking/saying what they do (you have centered many of them) and i think i totally get it and them, but still, i get tired of being understanding and seeing things from their point of view when they, for their own admission, cant see things from mine. they are not bad, but they cant understand/accept im not like them or like they would like me to be or they think i SHOULD be.

thank you for understanding.
and today things seem a lot brighter.
the effort i made the other day is paying off and i got lucky about another thing today for a chenge and im trying to appreciate it and not fall in the habit of seeing/valuing only the negative.

taking here and feeling supported and understood has helped a lot too, thank you very much!

Hi sinking, great news about today!!!
And try to hold onto whatever's good that comes your way, it can be precious. And when things aren't so good you've still got that, as well as the "If........"s, "Maybe............"s, "Perhaps another day..........."s, "Maybe around the corner............." that can sometimes come along with the memories of...............
Things aren't always going to work out, but sometimes they can
And the feelings of being unfairly judged, if you can't break through them.............well everyone is going to want/need an escape sometimes, to be seen/to be valued for/as themselves, to feel they belong.............and if nowhere else at least you know you've got us to come to for that escape, right?? So don't hesitate!!
Alison