maybe this is the time time to go

yeah, I guess.
I don't mean forever and without exception. but I don't want this to be out of control. so stop for now and until I am doing better and see how it goes. and talk to my T about it etc.

for me it's a social issue. I drink when I am with people. never at home. it doesn't come to my mind.
I am so afraid to loose touch with people when I stop. but I am also so sick of it. this will be quite a challenge...
I did that before for some time in summer. but I was so depressed at that time I wouldn't even meet people. so I didn't notice mostly.

O nice, … I thought about this and it actually doesn't make sense in my case. if I was choosing people to like who I am simply not getting on well with generally, it could not happen that they change their mind about me in the same moment I change my mind about them -doesn't make sense if we're simply not on the same page.
so I am obviously doing something annoying if I like people.

okay, if I know that maybe I can do something about it. must not forget to tell T.

sorry for putting here every single one of my thoughts. but it really feels better than not doing it.

well... I don't know if anybody is still reading this but anyway...

just back home from that party. sober.
I must say for myself I don't mind being completely sober. it was sort of an interesting experience to be the only one in a room who could talk normally. I did have some conversations though and some of them weren't too bad.

the thing is I got very tired at a point at which everybody else got very euphoric.
so there is a problem. I cannot keep my mood that high up so I still can laugh at the same jokes as the crowd.

also I got asked a lot if I wasn't drinking which annoyed me. I brought something I could drink that looked exactly like what everybody was having but they could still tell. when my bottle was empty I had nothing to refill and I got very awkward having no glass in my hand. everyone started dancing and I decided to leave. I felt really excluded and lonely.
the uncomfortable part is that here I have to face all my social awkwardness unfiltered. in return that might be very helpful for therapy.

it's really though. not the not drinking part. but the being with peers sober when they are not -part.

so now I feel lonely and excluded. and I am home. I even talked to a man I thought was attractive. but only for very short time and he spoke to other women much longer. I didn't have the courage to start another conversation. would it be normal to do that?

Maybe, maybe not in a drinking setting. I don't know. But I think it's great you were able to not drink. So are there recreational places you could go be with people who aren't drinking?

nope. not really. sometimes I meet people for coffee. but rarely. nobody has so much time in the middle of the day.

as I mentioned I don't have really close friends. so I basically rely on some sort of events to meet people at all in my daily life.
I know this isn't great. but I don't know how to change that. I am happy if I can meet people at all. I am 30 and don't know how to find any close friends and how to talk to attractive men. that is how to have any meaningful relationships to other people. I am ashamed. this is really pitiful.
if I haven't learned it by now how am I supposed to do that in the future?

I guess the best I can do is actually drink and hope it'll be over soon.

In NYC for example there are things like classes and the James Joyce society and things like that at night where people don't drink. Granted it's hard to make friends. They also have these things during the day. You just need to check your city's alternative newspaper.

this place isn't quite NYC…

it doesn't really bother me to not drink. my social issues bother me.
a party is probably kind of the hardest place to start practice interacting without getting drunk.
but there is not such a big difference to my problems in the daytime. they are just more obvious.

Right, I get that. Where exactly do you feel you're not doing well in social interaction? Is it what to talk about or what to say...? Or feeling intimidated?

no, rather if I can talk to somebody or if I am annoying.
when there are groups of people I sometimes have difficulty to join because I assume they are all close friends and I am a stranger who is interfering with their private conversation. actually I think this is true in most cases.

I can do smalltalk. but it almost never gets beyond that. like I said, I sometimes don't know if I can talk to someone again. or if I am being annoying.
men I like usually walk away quickly and prefer talking to someone else. other people are simply not becoming my friends. either we don't meet again or only rarely. I do have some friends but they are not close friends. there is nobody I see very often. they all have other things to do. it's all very superficial.

I always feel that way too, unwelcome. I'm always embarrassed to try to join in. It's a false belief though because at a party everyone is mixing. Do you ever talk about philosophical things? That's good for conversations getting deeper. Just a single remark or observation can get a conversation going deeper. It may fail a few times but keep thinking along those lines and you'll draw in people with the same types of thoughts.

Keeping superficial that only draws in more superficiality.

o this is something I am really interested in!
usually people don't seem to like it that much to talk about complicated things. I trained myself a little to break down difficult ideas into funny witty comments that can be ignored if the person listening isn't into it.

I think I am good at this and I enjoy it but nobody else I meet ever does.
or rather not with me. :-(

some people are into complicated literature most of which I haven't read and they are never able to sum up for me. so there the conversation ends.

it makes me feel specifically excluded and lonely if that happens because I am really really interested.

… i think I am being too nice.
yesterday I was I guess too nice and too interested in the man I found attractive when I talked to him. I asked about his work and I really loved what he was doing. so I was basically listening to that and explained a little what I found interesting and why.
he really seemed to like talking about himself so I didn't start a monologue about myself in return but got into what he was saying.
I thought about talking about my work too, which is very similar. but he didn't seem patient to listen. then somebody else came and started talking to him and I was out of that conversation.

usually when that happens and the person I was talking to is slightly turning their back towards me I take it as a sign I should go.
I don't really think I get that wrong.

all of this makes me really desperate and depressed. because I think I am not misinterpreting anything. I am not. they just don't want me around. and if I am drunk I can ignore that.

Oh, yes,in general men adore talking about themselves and being admired, this is well know by women that want to "catch" a guy, everywhere in the world. Also, in general, men like to be helpful.

yeah, I sort of know that.

so you don't think I did anything wrong?
it's bothering me because I just don't get it what makes people walk away from me. maybe body language or something…

it gives me this profound idea of myself not being likable or normal.
on the surface everything seems alright. I feel like I am pretending being normal sometimes. although when I am having a conversation I don't fake or act in any way. mostly I am just enjoying the conversation.

I'd rather like it to be something I do than some bad fate because then I could change it.

I think you did not do anything wrong

You're too obliging. Someone wanted you gone (was she his wife, doctor or boss? No? Then why do her bidding regarding him?) and you obligingly left. I'm not criticizing, just making observation.

Eta: are there any adult classes in your area for the topics that interest you?

wow, thanks. this is exactly what I hoped for when I put this here.

yeah I am oversensitive to any signs of possible rejection.

it wasn't the woman though. she was older, married and also had no important position. she looked at me when she talked and was willing to include me. but the man then turned his back on me and stood between me and her and I couldn't hear what she said.
I was rather sensitive to that gesture and it is sort of tricky for me to decide to stay there when I feel someone isn't interested.
anyway, generally you're absolutely right!

the university is there. but I basically just come from there. I think I should stay away at least 6 months after graduation before coming back… also all the students are younger than me now and I'd feel in the wrong place.

But what else is there to do?

I've been wondering, too. I would like something to keep myself busy intellectually but I cannot think of anything except reading alone for myself. I'd prefer something where I can discuss. I love that. I miss university because of that. now I feel like I am getting more stupid every week.

also I like to go to concerts. sometimes I still do that but some places I liked closed and usually there are not so many concerts in this town that are interesting for me. also people there will be much younger than me. and I cannot find anyone to go there with me.
the other day a friend took me to a concert and it was really nice. I think I wrote that here. it was on monday. the band was about my age and they were really nice, too. I think it would have been fun to drink something with them afterwards. but well, I quit that.

it sounds all great when I read what I wrote here about what I do…
partys, concerts, hanging out…

there are many good things. but it's not that simple. I don't want to start listing the bad parts. that may not be helpful for my mood.
just believe me, they exist and they cause me to be depressed despite all these good things. just those two everybody already knows: no regular job, no close relationships. those two weigh heavily and there is more.

I actually make myself go out a lot even if I don't feel like. I don't want to lose touch with people. it happened to me before many times. depressed and not depressed.
it is not something that is easy for me. I want to practice dealing with people. I always have to work for it. depressed it's even harder to get up from the couch and look at somebody's face and say words. it's a big effort for me.
but I am getting there. and I enjoy company if I overcome my inhibition.

Whatever you do, if anyone suggests you take benzos, say no. It's almost better just to keep drinking.

Anyway, I thought you are only going to not drink sometimes, or are you completely quitting? Just keep plugging away. As long as you can identify the issues, that's terrific because you can work on them.

haha, okay.
not taking any meds right now. tried but WEIRD things happened.

sorry, I kept changing my mind about that during the thread.
no alcohol for me now! maybe start again with adequate controlled amounts at some point in the future. T should give me advice on that. will listen to her.

I'm so much worse today.

I think I jumped down an entire storey on the depression scale. just looked in the mirror and was outraged how I could ever think for only one minute I looked acceptable. my proportions are so absurd. no matter how little I eat I will always look fat. my face is weird and my hair is just disgusting.
and I don't even have an interesting job to balance that.

the only reason people might talk to me is because they are drunk.
I cannot see the future. or anything.
the only reason I am in this world is that my parents don't want me dead. at least I assume.

it's hitting me really hard today.

this is all just ****.
I need to go.