So much for staying out of the depression. I'm in pain, I don't know why, maybe it is nothing. I'm so tired, everything that could go wrong is going wrong. One minute I'm hoping and thinking of nothing but the moment and I'm thinking "I'm okay", a bit later my son is kicking me in the store. And he is no small boy. Getting tired of being a mommy. Sounds bad to mothers who read this, but I'm tired. It has been almost 2 and half years, with very and I mean very few breaks where he has seen his dad. Now I'm not feeling well, and I think I'm losing it. Ever feel like you are on the brink of insanity? That's where I am at this moment. Too tired to make supper, but who the h else is going to make it, like for most of my whole life? I know complaints complaints... I am losing it.

[TheOriginalMe]

My mood just plummeted, all I want to do is cry but I haven't the energy for more than a few unsatistfying tears.

The only way out I can think of is to stop eating and waste away, it would be very,very, slow as I'm not skinny. I don't even know if that is just a wish or if I'm serious. Maybe it is like the sui and si thoughts, another torment to make this illness even more cruel.

I would love to run away, but depression would hitch a ride on my shoulders, there is no escape, this is forever.

[Bimmer01]

This is a pretty rough time of the year for everyone. Less sun, cold temps, S.A.D...On top of that, I made a huge a career mis-step last year and went from a satisfying job with a great boss to a boring job with a nasty, stress-inducing boss. A depressed person's worst nightmare. They take your feelings of inadequacy and just ratchet them up even tighter.

I've been trying to force feed myself positive thoughts. Whenever I make a grim prediction of the future or tell myself that I'm worthless or stupid, I try to picture Frau Farbissina from Austin Powers shouting "LIES ALL LIES!"

I've also gotten more in touch with my religion. I realize not everyone believes in that, but FWIW, it helps me. I believe that sometimes bad things happen to us to teach us a lesson. Suffering is inevitable no matter who you are, but if you learn something in the midst of the suffering about life, then it was not in vain.

I still have thoughts about self harm or suicide, but when a suicidal wave of depression hits you, you just have to brace for it and wait for it to pass.

[Ruftin]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I would love to run away, but depression would hitch a ride on my shoulders, there is no escape, this is forever.

Where ever we go, there we'll be....Sad but true.

[herethennow]

------------ trigger warning -------------------

so school upon seeing my very long leave given by the hospital (i asked for special consideration in exams marking) told me it would be better if i defer my exams. so i deferred one, and would have to take it next semester...

while part of me is relieved that i would have more time to study.. the negative part of me is chiding myself. feeling quite bummed about it actually.. like this testifies im a failure, i can never do things right.. i would never be on par with my peers, doing an exam at the same time... and those thoughts just runs in my head with no breaks.

this feels like there's no end to this depression. even when i know people around me is helping, it just feels like no end. trying to hold myself back by si, but seriously wishing i could just end it all.

[herethennow]

... (don't know why it double posted)

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by herethennow

------------ trigger warning -------------------

so school upon seeing my very long leave given by the hospital (i asked for special consideration in exams marking) told me it would be better if i defer my exams. so i deferred one, and would have to take it next semester...

I had to withdraw from college in my last year due to my myriad of issues- so I know how you feel-but I was able after taking time off to go back & finish & graduate with honors-so if I could do it you can too Please don't be so hard on yourself-this is no different than if you missed school because you had pneumonia-take care

Things can change, but it is hard to hang on sometimes. Just remember, (kind of talking to myself, kind of hoping to help), pain isn't forever, good things eventually happen. I'm so thankful for the support here. We all are. If it hadn't been for this forum, to release my feelings and get support, I may not have made it. It is a difficult life, but there has to be some beauty in it. I see it here, this place, even though people are suffering we reach out to each other.

[Bark]

herethennow, I know how you feel. I've had to miss several final exams and write them later. Once I failed a course, redid it, and needed another semester to actually finish it. Every time someone asks me when I'm graduating, I get embarrassed. I shouldn't, but I do. Sometimes I say I'm taking it slow, and they're understanding. Most people my age have graduated. But there's no use in dwelling on it. One foot in front of the other.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by Turtlesoup

I had to withdraw from college in my last year due to my myriad of issues- so I know how you feel-but I was able after taking time off to go back & finish & graduate with honors-so if I could do it you can too Please don't be so hard on yourself-this is no different than if you missed school because you had pneumonia-take care

thanks bark and turtlesoup.. i know there is a part of me that is telling myself that i need this break, that i cant take exams in this state. but the negativity seems to be louder...

really not looking forward to meeting pdoc and telling him this matter. during the time i was in crisis, he pushed for deferment but i keep insisting on taking the exams. and now, this...

even though i am smiling infront of people, inside of me is screaming.. forever chiding myself. things just got worse ever since i got out of the hospital. i don't know whether i need that place again...

si is going on at a worser rate, and the episodes have been worse. and the urges to end it all have been really...

[Espresso]

Crappy morning so far. It's amazing how one little thing can bring me down so far.

Again, as always, I'm not well. I feel bleak about everything, no hope at all. So far the dread has yet to set in, but it's not even noon. There's plenty of time for it to creep up on me, and knowing the way things go, it probably will, with a vengeance. On the (slightly) less dark side I've taken a break from poetry (for now) to try my hand at something I haven't done in a while - gulp- fiction. The last time I wrote fiction was a few years ago, and it was very bad. I hope I can use what I know about writing poetry to help me write this one fiction piece I'm working on. The first sentence of it came to me yesterday and I'm just building on it, hoping it will turn out okay. I think I have a general idea of what it's going to be about. Does a strange, bullied girl who likes odd words feel like a believable character to you?

ShyPoetGirl, I'm so glad you're trying your hand at fiction again. With any luck, it may improve your mood some if you can be satisfied with your work.

Well, my husband just left for an overnight trip. I have this kinda new phobia about being alone in the dark at night and I'm DREADING this and tomorrow evenings (he won't be home until after dark tomorrow). How will I do this (rhetorical question)? Just need to tough it out.

I wasn't doing the best mood-wise before he left anyway. Just feel tired of the same old crap day in, day out. I think the solution is to do more stuff that I enjoy but I don't even know what those are anymore except horseback riding, which I don't know if I can do for a week or so. Even then, I can only afford to do it once every couple weeks. Well, there's jogging but with my fibromyalgia acting up I don't know if I can do that anymore.

Going to the AA meeting, stopping at the bank/grocery store, then will be home alone for the rest of the day. Fortunately tomorrow I have plans to go to a movie and lunch with a friend. Oh! I forgot about the Humane Society orientation in the morning too! That will be fun! Anyway, my friend also has bipolar disorder so I feel comfortable talking about all issues with her.

After some reflection, I'm editing this to say that I think one of the reasons I'm feeling a little glum is because I'm actually worried about my ability to do the volunteering. I haven't had any responsibility like that - - doing a "job" for someone else - - in a long time. I'm sure I'll be just fine, and I have to remind myself of all the times I'm sitting at home bored, wishing I had something to do.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Again, as always, I'm not well. I feel bleak about everything, no hope at all. So far the dread has yet to set in, but it's not even noon. There's plenty of time for it to creep up on me, and knowing the way things go, it probably will, with a vengeance. On the (slightly) less dark side I've taken a break from poetry (for now) to try my hand at something I haven't done in a while - gulp- fiction. The last time I wrote fiction was a few years ago, and it was very bad. I hope I can use what I know about writing poetry to help me write this one fiction piece I'm working on. The first sentence of it came to me yesterday and I'm just building on it, hoping it will turn out okay. I think I have a general idea of what it's going to be about. Does a strange, bullied girl who likes odd words feel like a believable character to you?

What do you think it would take to make you feel better?

My therapist asks me this question sometimes.

Also I think it's cool you're trying to write fiction. I'm glad that little bit of inspiration came to you. Nothing wrong with taking a break from things.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

What do you think it would take to make you feel better?

My therapist asks me this question sometimes.

Also I think it's cool you're trying to write fiction. I'm glad that little bit of inspiration came to you. Nothing wrong with taking a break from things.

Long-term, or for right now?

Right now I think it would make me feel better if I can make this fiction piece work out. It would really improve my mood and make me a little more sure of my writing again.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Long-term, or for right now?

Right now I think it would make me feel better if I can make this fiction piece work out. It would really improve my mood and make me a little more sure of my writing again.

Thanks.

Both, I suppose.

I've been having a hard time writing too. *sighs* It's frustrating. I have faith in you though.

[Angelique67]

Tried an antidepressant but I'll have to wait until I see a doctor possibly to keep up with it. I get terrible shaking when I'm waking up and it worries me. Plus the dizziness will prevent me from being able to take care of basics here. I could barely move my legs. I'm disappointed but I truly hope for happier days ahead. I just don't know if that's realistic at this point. A lot of bad things are in my not so distant future.

just a boring depressing friday

had it worse, but yeah... not been good today

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by disparaissant

So much for staying out of the depression. I'm in pain, I don't know why, maybe it is nothing. I'm so tired, everything that could go wrong is going wrong. One minute I'm hoping and thinking of nothing but the moment and I'm thinking "I'm okay", a bit later my son is kicking me in the store. And he is no small boy. Getting tired of being a mommy. Sounds bad to mothers who read this, but I'm tired. It has been almost 2 and half years, with very and I mean very few breaks where he has seen his dad. Now I'm not feeling well, and I think I'm losing it. Ever feel like you are on the brink of insanity? That's where I am at this moment. Too tired to make supper, but who the h else is going to make it, like for most of my whole life? I know complaints complaints... I am losing it.

It doesn't sound bad, sounds normal. Even healthy parents need suport and breaks. Can't imagine doing parenting while depressed and no breaks.

Don't know if these are possibilities where you live but decades ago when I was going though that I found an organization that would come pick up my daughter take her top pre-approved home with parents but no other kids for 3 days then bring her back. She loved it, it was a bit like having foster grandparents that spoiled her for a few days and gave me a break to deal with my mental issues-- ok mostly I just slept!
There's also an organization called parents anonymous that has groups for overwhelmed parents to learn copping mechanism s. They have child care while you are in group. It's my understanding that all the groups are a bit different. My group was great. Mostly I was worried about being a bad parent becouse of my MI.

Just the fact you think about this issue shows you are not a bad mom.

[Nammu]

I decided Wednesday night that I was staying in bed on Thursday. I've just been so tired since getting home I wanted a day where I didn't have to DO anything other than read and watch Star Trek re-runs. I do feel a bit better today.

Couldn't even get connected yesterday but decided to wait till next week to call. I think it's my wireless doohickey that's on the blink. I double checked all the wires and all the lights are blinking green, red and off...so.... But waiting till next week means to check messages I must get up, dressed and leave my house. That's a goal of mine and maybe using this as a motivator I'll get into the habit.

Any just making these decisions has me feeling more in control of my life. Deciding to spend the day in bed as opposed to just never getting around to it and then feeling bad about it. I'm moving forward little by little.